Chapter 3
Night fell, and preparations were being made for Colleen's funeral. Andrew hadn't returned from wherever he'd gone off too, so Michaela and Sully were at the church with the Reverend. Matthew and Brian were watching the children at the homestead. Nobody wanted to be at the clinic right now. It was too painful to stand downstairs knowing that Colleen was upstairs; sleeping for eternity.
Brian had barely spoken one word in the past few hours. Memories of Anthony's death and funeral were weighing heavily on his heart and mind, and Matthew was re-living Ingrid's death in the corner of his own mind. Everyone had lost someone they loved, and losing someone even closer seemed to hurt a million times more. Colleen had touched so many lives and had always been thoughtful and caring. She never would have hurt a living soul, and now she'd never get the chance to make a life of helping people through her own medical profession. That had been something she'd wanted more than anything besides her loving husband and child.
Colleen's baby and little Beth were napping upstairs in Michaela and Sully's bedroom. Katie was sitting in Matthew's lap, and he was trying to keep her entertained and happy. He didn't think a child so young should have to feel the pain of losing a sibling, though it happened more often than anyone could count.
The painful realization that Katie would never remember her big sister struck him. Colleen was never home, and only visited for a week or two out of the year. Katie loved her dearly, but she was too young to truly know her sister or what Colleen meant to everyone else.
Katie would never remember Colleen taking her into her arms and dressing her on her first day of life. She'd never remember Colleen placing her down in the hand-carved cradle and proudly announced that it had been made just for her by their pa.
"She's with Ma now," Brian said softly, speaking for the first time in several hours. Matthew looked over at his brother who stood at the window. Rain was softly pelting down into the dusty soil as the clouds covered the moon, shielding lost souls from the illuminating light that could help them find their ways. Brian was reminded of the time there was an eclipse, and he and Colleen had fought over who got to look through the telescope that their grandmother had sent him all the way from Boston.
Matthew stood and carried Katie over toward the window. He stood behind his little brother.
"Ya probably don't remember this, but when you were 'bout three or so, Ma had to run across town to help a lady have her baby. I was left in charge of ya since we were in town anyway, and Colleen scooped ya up in her arms and promised to protect ya. She insisted on carryin' ya around all night, readin' ya stories and tuckin' ya into bed. She pretended that she was Ma for a little while, and you started callin' her Ma 'fore ya went to bed."
"I did?" Brian asked, his eyes brightening.
"Sure did. We were so scared that Ma was gonna come home and be mad that Colleen went outta her way to make ya mad at her. 'Course she hated doin' it, but when ya saw Ma the next mornin', ya went runnin' into her arms callin' her Ma. She never knew why ya were so happy to see her, but Colleen had the biggest smile on her face, knowin' that ya loved her so much."
"Coween," Katie said with a yawn, resting her head on her big brother's shoulder. Matthew rubbed her little back, soothing her into a deep sleep.
"Let me take her up to bed," Brian suggested, needing to feel helpful. He had silently decided that he was going to act more responsibly than ever. He was going to help his family out in any way that he could, even if that meant putting off his own schooling and work in the Gazette.
"Sure," Matthew said with a yawn. He slowly handed his baby sister over to her other brother. "I'm gonna go out to the barn and see if I can get some sleep." He didn't think that staying in the house would be a good idea. Even though Colleen's room had been turned into his after the old homestead caught fire, it had still been his sister's room before his. He didn't want to intrude. Brian looked at his brother with worry in his eyes. He didn't want to sound like a child, but he'd rather have his brother sleeping inside on that night. "Brian?"
"Ya think you could sleep inside tonight?"
"Brian . . ."
"Please? Just 'cause it was Colleen's room first . . ."
"Brian . . ." Over the past few months, during his frequent visits from school, he had started building his own homestead, and he only stayed with his family on nights that he stayed late after dinner. Other times, he slept at the boarding house in town.
"Matthew, I'm sure Ma and Pa would feel better if ya stayed." That was it. Matthew couldn't turn his brother down on this night. After everything that had just happened, family was more important than ever, and he intended to keep his family together after such a terrible loss.
"Alright, little brother. G'nite."
"Night," Brian replied with a sad smile. He started up the stairs with Katie in his arms, and Matthew moved to keep watch at the window. He looked out at the barn, hearing the horses stomping and neighing with fright from the storm. But he looked past it all, staring into the deep, dark abyss that appeared to be the entrance to the barn. He could still hear Ingrid screaming and Pup snarling. He could still feel Ingrid gasping for breath in his arms. He could still feel the worry he felt after the bite and the pain of losing her.
Ingrid had gone to a better place, Matthew could only hope. And wherever she was, she was with so many loving people. Now Colleen was there with her, and they would spend forever looking down and watching over him and over the family. That's what Matthew wanted to believe more than anything, but he also didn't know how there could be a kingdom where people could spend a blissful eternity after death when it meant that so many happy, loving people had to suffer in order for that place to be created.
Everything had changed in such a short time. Ingrid had died, he'd met Emma, and she'd gone away. He'd given up being sheriff and gone off to law school. Now he was home on a break from his schooling, and he'd decided not to go back. At least not yet anyway. He wanted to spend time with his family, and he was going to do whatever he had to do to make this situation easier on everyone he loved.
He walked over to sit down at the table. One of his law books was lying open to page three hundred and forty five. He sat down, knowing that even though he was wiring his professors in the morning to inform them of his decidedly prolonged stay, he shouldn't neglect his studies completely. So, he settled down at the table, propped his chin upon his fist, and he began to scan the words on the page. But, the words seemed so foreign and unusual to him. They blurred together in an endless stream of confusion. His eyes hurt, and he hated the fact that he couldn't even escape hurting for one moment. As soon as he'd started reading, he'd started thinking about how Colleen had been so studious in school. He felt as if he was disappointing her somehow.
But, when he had started thinking of Colleen, his mind drifted to Andrew, and anger built up inside of him. Where was he? He was supposed to have been going to speak with the Revered about Colleen's arrangements. The only thing anyone knew without a shadow of a doubt was that Colleen wanted to be buried in Colorado Springs. She'd made that clear a while back when she'd witnessed a young woman dying with all of her friends and family around. She had expressed to Andrew and to her parents in a rather morbid letter that if anything were to happen, she wanted to rest in peace in the quiet town of Colorado Springs where she could be near her family. Andrew had understood at the time, but he had never expected her death to be this soon. He'd expected to grow old and gray with her. Now, he was God knows where, and Sully and Michaela had the painful burden of making the arrangements with the Reverend.
Matthew wished he wasn't feeling so weak and exhausted. He wished he could ride out and find Andrew. He wanted to beat some sense into him. Andrew needed to be with his family and his newborn daughter. Mostly happy memories and a newborn baby girl were what was left of Colleen. Those were the two precious things that her family needed to hold on to, but Andrew didn't seem to be doing much of that at the moment.
Lightning struck, lighting up the entire night sky for no more than a second or two. In that short span of time, Matthew could see a wagon barreling down the dirt road, which had turned to soft, gooey mud. Michaela and Sully were returning from their meeting with Reverend Johnson. He watched as the wagon came to a halt. Sully helped his wife down and then moved off to unhitch the wagon and settle the horses for the night.
Michaela came through the door, soaked to the bone from the rain.
"I'm sorry we're late," she said softly. "Are the children sleeping?"
"The babies are sleepin', and Brian just took Katie up." Michaela nodded.
"Thank you for making sure things were taken care of around here while we were out."
"I'm here to help if ya need me."
"Thank you." Michaela kissed her son upon the cheek. Matthew helped her with her wet coat, and he watched her rush up the stairs to tend to the feedings of the youngest members of the family. Matthew brought a chair over toward the hearth and placed Michaela's coat over the back of it. He knew the warmth would eventually dry the coat, and there would be no use of hanging it out to dry on such a rainy evening.
Sully came through the door a few minutes later, his hair soaking wet and clinging to his equally wet coat. Sully peeled the garment off of his body and placed it with Michaela's to dry.
"Kids sleepin'?"
"Yeah," Matthew replied. "Brian probably ain't, but he just took Katie up not long ago." Sully nodded. "How'd everything go?"
"It was hard," Sully replied, swallowing and crouching down at the heart to rub and warm his hands over the flames that seemed to break and shy at the presence of his cold, clammy hands. "But, we got through it. The funeral's gonna be tomorrow morning." Matthew nodded gently.
"Probably ought to tell Andrew."
"He ain't here?"
"No," Matthew replied, watching his father rise.
"We checked the clinic first, but he wasn't there." Sully shook his head. "Must still be out in the rain."
"Want me to go look for him?" Sully shook his head.
"No. I'll go. Let me go check on your Ma first."
"I should go, Sully. Dr. Mike needs ya right now."
"Matthew, I . . ."
"Let me go!" Matthew replied. "Colleen was my baby sister, and the least I can do is go find her husband so he'll know to be here for the funeral tomorrow!" He hadn't meant to lash out, but everything had been happening so quickly. His anger and confusion over Colleen's death was eating at him, and he figured that focusing on finding Andrew would help his spirits a little.
"Alright," Sully said quietly, putting his hand on his son's shoulder. "Be careful."
"I will." Matthew gave his father a hug. Sully was surprised, but he welcomed the hug with open arms, knowing his oldest son was hanging onto his family for dear life. The Sully family was forever changed now, and Sully knew that they'd never take the small things for granted anymore. The events of today had forced everyone to see how fragile life could be and how easily it could be snatched away.
Matthew left a moment later, pulling his hat and coat on. Though it was early June, the rain cooled the night off tremendously, leaving need for something to keep a person warm. Sully moved toward the kitchen cupboard and pulled out what items she used to make chamomile tea. He could hear the rocking chair moving upstairs, and he knew she was taking care of the girls. It was going to be even more difficult on her, because not only did she have her patients to worry about, but she had her own heart to mend and two newborn infants who would need her around the clock.
By the time Sully made it up to the bedroom with the two steaming cups in his hands, Michaela had just finished with the girls and had changed into a dry night gown. She was standing by the bureau and looking down at something in her hands. It was a photo taken of Colleen and Andrew on their wedding day. How beautiful and natural they'd looked together; they looked so loving and sweet with one another. How quickly things had changed. They'd gone from being happily married to being young newlyweds with a baby on the way, which caused tension and stress to build up between the two of them. At least, as Michaela thought back, Colleen's letters had sounded a bit tense. Michaela ran her fingers over the beautiful photo of her daughter and son-in-law.
"Charlotte would have been so proud," she whispered.
"She sure would have," Sully added. Michaela smiled a little and placed the frame back down on the bureau. When Michaela turned to face her husband, she saw him holding a cup out to her. She put up a hand and shook her head.
"No thank you," she whispered.
"Michaela, ya gotta keep your strength up." She felt too tired to argue with him on this one, so she accepted the cup and took a long, relaxing sip. As she felt the liquid warm her body, she smiled gratefully at her husband. He put his arm around her and led her toward the bed. They sat down upon the edge, and Sully's hand gently caressed his wife's arm. Her head leaned on his shoulder as she continued to drink her tea. Sully finished his shortly before his wife, and the comfortable silence they were in was broken by a clap of thunder and lightning.
"Did Matthew come up to bed?" Sully was silent for a moment.
"No. He went out."
"Out? In this weather? What on earth could he possibly be doing right now!" She stood from the bed and moved to put her robe on over her nightgown.
"He's lookin' for Andrew," Sully replied. Michaela started for the door, but Sully stopped her. "I was gonna go, but he wouldn't give up. He wanted to go alone."
"Sully, I don't want him out there during this storm!"
"He'll be fine, Michaela. He's gone through a lot in his lifetime, so I think he can weather one storm."
"Tonight of all nights," she whispered, brushing a tear away. "Sully, I want him home. I can't bear the thought of losing another child." Sully's fingers caressed her tear-stained cheek.
"Matthew's fine."
"So was Colleen," Michaela answered. "In an instant, it all changed, and I need to know that my children are safe!" Sully nodded.
"Want me to go after him?" Michaela didn't want to be alone right now, but she also didn't want her son out there exposed to the elements. She didn't want her husband out there either, but she knew Sully could take care of himself. He'd survived years without much shelter at all.
"Will you be careful?"
"Always," Sully whispered. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she clung to him, not wanting to let go. "I don't wanna leave ya alone."
"I'll be fine," she whispered. "Just come back safely."
"I will. I promise." He kissed his wife softly and went back down to put on his wet coat. A moment later, he was heading out toward the barn to ready a horse for a very rainy adventure.
Andrew had wandered around aimlessly for hours, searching for an answer to his problems, but he'd managed to find his way back to the church. He'd lit a lantern, and he was sitting in the front pew. His hands were clasped together so tightly that the color had practically drained from them. They were white and shaking. He was shivering from the cold, wet clothes that clung to his back. He felt like he was being choked by invisible hands, and he was praying to God to save him from the misery he was feeling at that very moment.
The clock on the far wall ticked away, and to Andrew, it was the loudest sound in the world. To him, it was ticking his life away second by unstoppable second. If he sat there long enough, perhaps he'd be with Colleen sooner than he thought.
Outside, Matthew's horse came to a stop when he tugged gently on the reigns at the sight of light coming from the church.
"C'mon," he urged the horse, rushing him toward the church as the raindrops began to dig into the soil like billions of tiny needles. The horse snorted but complied, and a moment later, Matthew's wet boots sloshed as he stepped up onto the porch under the awning of the church. The doors were pushed open a little, so Matthew pushed them completely open and peered toward the front of the church. He saw Andrew's slumped-over form, and the urge to grab him by the throat and throttle the life out of him subsided. Understanding filled Matthew's heart, and he knew from experience that Andrew was dealing with his grief in his own way. At least he wasn't drowning his sorrows and looking for peace at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Deciding that Andrew was safe from the storm and would most likely spend the rest of the evening at the church, Matthew decided to let him be and head back toward home. Home? Did he truly have a home anymore? After everything that had happened, he wasn't quite sure where home really was. It surely wasn't back at school where he spent all of his time studying law. It wasn't the old homestead, because it was nothing but a pile of ashes now. The only place that truly felt like home anymore was the homestead that Sully had built for his family. When the family had moved into the homestead, Matthew had stayed apart from them at the old homestead, but living with them again felt better than ever. Family was more important now than ever, especially after this incredibly awful tragedy.
Andrew heard Matthew turn, and he looked over his shoulder. He saw his brother-in-law and slowly turned his head back toward the altar.
"If you came to pray, don't mind me," Andrew said softly.
"Didn't come to pray," Matthew replied, facing the double doors at the back of the church. "I was out lookin' for ya. The whole family's worried about ya." Andrew closed his eyes and rested his chin on his knuckles.
"I'm fine."
"Ya sure don't seem like it." Matthew's boots tapped on the wooden floorboards of the church as he made his way to sit down beside Andrew in the front pew. "She loved you a lot, ya know?"
"I know," Andrew replied, swallowing hard. "She loved you and the rest of the family very much. I'd catch her staring at the last photo you had taken of the family shortly before Beth was born. She loved seeing you all together; smiling."
"It wasn't the same without her here. Wasn't the same without you either, Andrew. You're a part of the family too." Matthew paused for a moment. "And now ya got a daughter that needs ya." Andrew nodded.
"I know," he whispered. He gave Matthew a faint smile that filled Matthew with the hope that Andrew would be able to meet his daughter for the first time before they buried Colleen forever. He needed to connect with his daughter, and these first days of her life were very crucial. She needed her father's love.
"Why don't ya come to the homestead tonight?"
"No. The Reverend already offered the church for me to sleep in tonight. I spoke with him not long ago. He told me the funeral is tomorrow morning." Matthew nodded. "I'll be alright."
"Andrew, ya gotta meet your daughter sometime."
"I will. I just need to be alone right now. Please, just let me be."
"Ya can't avoid us forever, Andrew."
"That's not what I'm doing, Matthew. I just lost my wife, and I'd like to remember her in my own way."
"And that's fine. But just remember, a lot of other people lost her too." He swallowed hard. Matthew turned away and left the church, sure that Andrew only needed a little more time to grasp the situation. Perhaps nobody had fully felt the entire impact yet. But, only time would tell how long it would take to heal. Maybe they'd never heal.
Sully had met Matthew halfway on his way into town to look for him. They'd ridden back to the homestead quickly, and Michaela was more than relieved when she heard both horses approaching. When she peered out of the window, she watched the scene below her illuminate from the lightning. There she saw her eldest son and her loving husband rushing toward the homestead to be greeted by a warm, inviting fire.
She pulled her robe around her tightly and started down the stairs in her bare feet. Sully and Matthew were just hanging their coats near the fire to dry when they heard her soft footsteps on the firm oak steps.
"I'm so glad you're both home," she whispered so she wouldn't wake the sleeping children. "You didn't find Andrew?"
"I found him," Matthew announced. "He was at the church, and he said he was gonna stay there for the night. I tried to convince him to come back with me so he can be with the baby, but he didn't wanna leave the church." Michaela and Sully exchanged solemn glances.
"Maybe we all better go try to get some sleep," Sully suggested, patting his son on the back. "We're gonna need to rest up for tomorrow." Michaela's eyes looked toward the floor, and after giving her son a kiss on the cheek, she turned and started up the stairs with Sully following right behind her.
When they were in the comfort of their bedroom, Michaela removed her robe and draped it over the end of the bed. She walked to the window and crossed her bare arms over her chest. Sully slipped out of his wet clothes and dried himself off before turning down the bed and slipping beneath the covers. He knew that walking over to Michaela and reaching out to her wouldn't do much good at the moment. He knew she was merely reflecting on the day's events, so he wanted to give her time.
He turned the oil lamps down and let the simple glow of the fire in the hearth illuminate Michaela's path to the bed. Once she was finished at the window, she turned and brought herself to bed.
Sully had expected her to turn her back, close her eyes and pretend to sleep, but to his surprise, she snuggled under the covers and tucked herself under his arm to lie against his chest. He didn't want to push her away, and having her in his arms made things seem a little better.
"Sully?" she asked, her voice breaking.
"Hmm?" His hand moved to gently stroke her arm.
"I love you. I don't think I tell you enough."
"'Course ya do. Ya tell me every day at least once a day, and ya never give me a reason to think you'll stop." He kissed the top of her head and let out a soft breath. "I love you too." He pulled his arms more snugly around her and felt her heart beating against his chest. He knew she wasn't going to sleep, and he knew he wouldn't sleep either, but they could at least take comfort in one another's arms and know that even in the darkest moments of their lives, they'd always have someone to turn to; to lean on.
