Chapter 4
Michaela pulled herself out of bed before the sun rose when little Beth began to cry. She hadn't slept a moment, and neither had Sully, but they had pretended for the other's sake. Sully sat up in bed, stretching his aching muscles as he watched his wife take Beth to the rocking chair for a feeding. He watched her play with Beth's tiny fingers and toes, and he saw a smile play across her lips as Beth gripped her mother's finger firmly.
The morning was surprisingly bright. As he sat in bed and watched the sunlight filter through the curtains and spread patterns upon the floor, he realized that it was the day of Colleen's funeral. Funerals weren't supposed to be on sunny days. They were supposed to be on cloudy or stormy days. Maybe Colleen would have preferred it like this.
"Mama, Mama, Mama!" Katie exclaimed, her tiny fists barely making noise as they pounded on the door. Michaela glanced at Sully, and without words, Sully hopped out of bed, pulled on his newly dry pants and walked over to open the door. He was greeted by young Katie standing in her nightgown with a doll in one hand. The expression on her face was the same one her mother wore when she was impatient, and she was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"What is it, Katie?" Sully asked, scooping his little girl up into his arms.
"Out!" she exclaimed, her little face turning red. Sully looked over at Michaela. "Hurry! Hurry, Poppy!" Sully knew exactly what his daughter was referring to. She needed to use the outhouse. Her timing was getting better and better, and the accidents were occurring less and less frequently. Her bed sheets hadn't had to be changed in weeks, much to her parents' pride and relief.
"Alright, c'mon kiddo." He rushed down the stairs as if a fire was in progress, and he raced barefoot across the lot toward the outhouse. Michaela smiled a little as she heard Katie hollering all the way, urging him on as if he were a slow horse.
Beth pulled away, not wanting to eat anymore, and Michaela frowned. Her daughter was usually an excellent eater in the mornings. Her medical side told her that it shouldn't be anything to worry about yet, unless it would start to happen more frequently, but her maternal side told her that Beth could sense something was wrong.
"Try to eat a little more, sweetheart," Michaela crooned, gently massing her daughter's cheek. But, the baby turned her mouth away, and Michaela sighed with disappointment. "It's alright. We'll try later." She kissed Beth's forehead and took her back over to the bassinet. She began to dress for the day, pulling on the black dress she wore for sad occasions. But, black would be something she'd be wearing for a long time to come, or at least until her heart told her that mourning wasn't going to make a bit of difference. Colleen was still gone, and there was no changing that.
It wasn't long before Colleen's daughter began to wail, and Michaela paused to nurse her as well. By the time Sully returned with Katie, he was in need of a bath. So, with two hours until the funeral, the Sully family cleaned up and had breakfast in silence. The food tasted better than usual that morning, but thoughts of Colleen and her love of cooking weighed on their minds, making knots sit like lumps of coal in their stomachs.
When it was nearly time to head into town, Brian and Matthew went outside to hitch the wagon. Michaela had gone upstairs to ready the younger children for the trip into town, and Sully knew she was holding back from crying. She'd come close a few times at breakfast.
"Michaela?" He walked into the bedroom to see Katie sitting upon their bed in her dark blue dress with a black shawl and a bonnet. She was holding her favorite doll in her hands and watching Michaela as she swaddled the babies.
"Yes?" came her short and shaky response.
"It's 'bout time to go."
"Alright," Michaela whispered. Sully moved to pick up Katie. She settled on his hip, and he walked over beside Michaela and took Beth into his other arm.
"It ain't gonna be easy to say goodbye."
"How are we supposed to do this, Sully?" Michaela asked, clutching the unnamed infant close to her heart. "I've never lost a child before." A tear trickled down her cheek, and Sully felt his own tears threatening to fall.
"It's always gonna hurt, Michaela," he whispered. "I'm pretty sure 'bout that. It still hurts to think about Hanna." Michaela placed her hand upon Sully's cheek. Today was going to be especially difficult for him. This was the second daughter Sully had lost, but this daughter hadn't been a helpless infant. She'd been a beautiful young woman who was full of life and had so much love to give. Her light had gone out, and the family it had shined upon was lost and confused without their beloved daughter, sister, wife and mother. She'd been all of that at once, and in the blink of an eye she was gone. "We'll get through this somehow. It's gonna take time." Michaela merely nodded, and Sully turned to leave the room with his daughters in his arms. Michaela lingered with the newborn and looked down at her.
"You look so much like your mother and your grandmother. Charlotte was a wonderful woman, and your mother is with her now. They're smiling down on you, little one, and I'll make sure you know about them. You'll know how special your mother and grandmother were. I promise." She kissed the baby's nose, and the little one let out a soft squeak. Michaela took a deep breath and turned to join the rest of her family.
On her way toward the staircase, she passed Colleen's bedroom and stopped in front of the door. She closed her eyes, remembering the time she was helping her pack for her first year of school at the Colorado Seminary College. Colleen had been so excited about going off for further education, but she'd been hesitant about leaving while Katie was so young. Now her room stood empty with the memory of its first occupant still clinging to the bed sheets and the curtains.
A moment later, Michaela placed her hand upon the closed door, almost believing that she felt Colleen's presence in the room. But, the baby began to fuss, causing her to turn away and start down the stairs. It was time to say goodbye forever.
As the wagon rumbled into town, it left a trail of wheel tracks in the soft mud that surrounded the foundations of every building in Colorado Springs. Matthew and Brian were sitting in the back of the wagon with Colleen's daughter, Katie and Beth. They held the girls close, and Sully took the easier roads so the ride would be comfortable for the little ones.
Michaela had suggested stopping by the clinic, because Katie had managed to get something on her dress already, and Michaela wanted to clean it off before the service. So, Sully pulled the wagon up outside of the clinic and helped his wife out of the wagon.
"Matthew, Brian, will ya stay in the wagon?" Sully asked, wanting everything to go smoothly and easily before the dreaded funeral service. Nobody was looking forward to it. Nobody wanted to say goodbye to such a lively young woman.
"Sure, Pa," Brian replied with a responsible nod. Sully took Katie into his arms and followed his wife into the clinic. Sully put their little girl on the examining table so she wouldn't run around, and Michaela silently went about finding water and the supplies to clean off the bit of mud that had dried to Katie's dress. That was when Sully noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Two envelopes were on Michaela's desk, one stacked neatly on top of the other. Sully waited until Michaela came to take care of the mud stain, and he moved toward her desk. As he got closer, he noticed that the top envelope was addressed to Michaela and himself.
"Michaela?"
"Hmm?" Michaela asked softly as she gently rubbed the spot out of Katie's dress. For the most part, she merely wanted to stop and clean Katie up to distract her thoughts from the upcoming funeral. It wasn't working, however, because even the simple task of cleaning a dirty child reminded her of Colleen and how helpful she'd always been.
"There's an envelope with our names on it."
"What?" Michaela looked over to see Sully holding the top envelope in his hands.
"Looks like Andrew's handwritin'." Fear rose in Michaela's heart, and she looked down to see that the stain had pretty much gone away. She scooped Katie up into her arms and held her at her hip. She moved to stand beside Sully.
"What does it say?" Sully's usually calm hands now shook as he fumbled to slip the folded piece of paper from the unsealed envelope. He briefly glanced down at the words and then back up at Michaela. He swallowed hard as her eyes searched his. "Please, Sully. Read it." Sully cleared his throat and focused his eyes on the words that Andrew had scribbled upon the piece of paper:
"Dear Michaela and Sully,
How can I ever thank you enough for taking care of such a wonderful young girl and raising her to be such an incredible woman? Colleen was the one light of my life, and I find myself living in a world of darkness without her. She and I have a daughter together now, and I don't know how to be a father. I was worried enough about us being parents so soon, but now that Colleen's gone, I don't think I have the strength to take my daughter back to Boston and raise her all alone. I can't do it now, and I can't bear to let myself go to Colleen's funeral and say goodbye. I'm on my way to Boston, and I hope that one day I will have the courage to meet my daughter. I know the both of you can give her a good home, and you can tell her all about how wonderful her mother was. You can tell her about Colleen's smile; her laugh. Make sure to tell her how smart her mother was and how much the both of us wanted her to be our little girl. I don't want to leave her, but I have no choice. What kind of a life would she have living with my uncle's and maids and with nannies I may not be able to afford, while I'm off at the hospital? I want to be a full-time father, but until I can stable myself financially, I don't see myself being able to raise her. I know you'll be angry. I'm angry with myself. But, you both have hearts as big as the entire world, and I know Julia will be loved. Colleen never knew it, but I found a list she'd written out, and it was a list of baby names. Julia Michaela Cook was at the top of that list. I've written a separate letter for Julia, and I would like for her to read it someday when she's old enough to understand. Hopefully, I can come back for her soon and explain it all myself.
Andrew."
Sully and Michaela's eyes met, and Michaela was already in tears. Her heart felt absolutely ripped apart, and she didn't want to think about it now. She looked at Katie and then at Sully.
"Michaela, we gotta talk about this."
"Not now," she whispered. "Not until after the service." She adjusted Katie in her arms and left Sully behind in the clinic. Sully took one last look at the letter in his hands, placed it back in the envelope and put it back on Michaela's desk where he'd found it. It was too much to think about, and once the funeral was over and things started to wind down, he knew that he and Michaela would have to have a serious discussion.
The funeral service was probably the hardest thing that the Sully family had had to go through together. Matthew stared at the pile of earth that lay on top of the coffin after the service, and he remembered how he stood by Ingrid's grave, praying that it was all just a dream after her funeral.
Michaela had held Julia in her arms and rocked her back and forth, hoping that she'd wake up and it would all have just been a dream. Not even Andrew was there to mourn Colleen's passing. No, he was on a train back to Boston, mourning in his own way. But it angered Michaela that he didn't show up for his wife's burial. He had never met his daughter or said goodbye. He just left, and Michaela was reminded of Ethan. How would Colleen feel about Andrew running out just like Ethan had done? Those had been far different circumstances, but this child was still left without her father, and her mother was sleeping for eternity.
As the funeral guests left, they all whispered their condolences to the grieving family. Michaela hadn't heard half of them over the screaming sobs that were running through her head. On the outside, however, she contained herself for the sake of the children, and the tears flowed silently.
Sully, Michaela, and the children stood at the grave for an hour after the guests left. Matthew was the first to speak after that hour had passed.
"Why wasn't Andrew here?" he asked, looking up at Sully with teary eyes and a red nose from crying. Brian looked up at Sully, curious as well. Michaela looked at Sully, not wanting to hear that Andrew was gone again. As if he had read her mind, Sully cleared his throat and adjusted Katie on his hip.
"Let's take the girls back to the wagon; give your Ma a minute." Michaela passed Julia over to Matthew and watched as her family walked away. She knew Sully wanted to spare her from hearing it all again, and he wanted to tell Matthew and Brian in his own way. How was he going to break it to his sons that their brother-in-law had gone away without even saying goodbye?
"Colleen," Michaela whispered, touching the wooden plaque that marked Colleen's grave, Perhaps someday they would be able to afford something more permanent. "Andrew is grieving in his own way. I must believe that. I don't like thinking that he abandoned your daughter. I know he loves her. He's scared, but he needs his family; he needs us." Michaela closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "I promise, Colleen, we'll take care of Julia. We'll be good to her, and we'll be sure she always feels loved. I love you, sweetheart." She placed a kiss upon her gloved fingertips and pressed her fingertips upon the wooden marker. A moment later, she turned and left the graveyard. As she stepped out from the shadow of the oak tree, the sun warmed her face and began shining even brighter, it seemed.
Brian and Matthew were sitting in the back of the wagon, and they were holding Beth and Julia. Katie was sitting comfortably between them, and after Sully helped his wife into the wagon, the family started off toward the homestead to have a quiet afternoon together. They'd decided not to have guests after the service, because they wanted the time alone to reflect on the past. They were all pretty sure it was going to be silent around the homestead for a little while.
Nobody spoke a word on the ride home. Matthew was angry about what Andrew had done, and Brian didn't know what to say to ease the pain that everyone, including himself, was feeling. Even a usually noisy Katie was quiet, catching on from the mood of her family that this was not a time to play around and seek attention.
As soon as the wagon pulled up in front of the homestead, Sully helped Michaela down and walked with his family into the homestead. Brian and Matthew immediately took the little ones upstairs, and Sully placed Katie down on a blanket to play. Katie looked up at her parents curiously, but she was distracted a moment later when she found her favorite toy. Sully pulled his arms around his wife, and she willingly went into his long embrace and rested her head on his chest.
"It's over now," Sully said quietly referring to the funeral as he stroked his wife's back. She let out a heavy sigh.
"It's only beginning." She pulled back a bit, looked into his eyes and brought her hand to his cheek to brush away a tear that had escaped. "Our daughter is gone, but her daughter isn't. Julia needs us now."
