Chapter 5
Andrew's forehead pressed against the warm glass of the window in his train car. The fields and hills were rolling past as the train sped on toward Boston. Never in a million years had Andrew thought he'd be taking this trip alone again. He had expected to have his wife and baby at his side, but those plans had changed. He was alone, and he expected he would remain that way for quite some time, forever in fact. He wasn't ready to be a husband without a wife; a father to a motherless child.
Though it was hot on the crowded train, Andrew couldn't help but pull his overcoat even tighter around his shaking body. He couldn't control the pain that his heart was in, and he couldn't get over the grief and guilt he felt for leaving Julia in Colorado Springs.
He wondered what Michaela and Sully thought of him now. Surely they had found the letter he'd left. He knew they wouldn't open the letter he'd written to Julia. He knew that Julia would open it and read it for herself one day, whether it was before or after she and her father were reunited. He couldn't take his daughter back and never tell her about how her grandparents cared for her as a newborn and how he left to make a better life for himself before bringing her home.
The cries of a young boy startled Andrew out of his thoughts, and he looked back a few seats to see a sweet-faced young woman holding a squirming toddler in her lap. The young woman was small-framed with straight, reddish-brown hair that was pulled up in a bun. Her clothes were fair but pretty, and it was obvious that she came from a family of some money, but she was not wealthy by any means.
"James, please!" the young woman whispered, trying not to make the situation worse. They had only been on the train for a few hours, but sitting still that long was dreadfully boring for a child of this young James' age.
"Papa!" the boy cried. "I want Papa!" Andrew shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if his little girl would cry out for him like that someday, and he wouldn't be there to comfort her tears. The young mother's cheeks blushed an obvious shade of crimson as a few grumpy faces scowled in her direction. It wasn't exactly her fault that her child was screaming, but she couldn't help but look as if she felt guilty.
"That's enough, James. You mustn't cry. We'll be home in a few days." Andrew turned his pale face back toward the sunlight that glared painfully through the glass of the window. Why did the sun have to be so bright on the darkest day of his life?
Young James screamed out loud again, and a few huffy old women picked up their money pouches and moved to the front of the car. Andrew closed his eyes and slumped down in his seat, not at all sitting like a gentleman from Boston. He didn't care at that point in time. He just wanted to shrink into the quiet comfort of his oversized coat and possibly catch a few hours of sleep.
His back began to hurt, and he sighed with exhaustion. Andrew sat up in his seat and straightened his coat out. He began to feel warm, so he removed the heavy burden, neatly folded it and placed it beside himself on the seat. As he was doing so, he could hear the young boy's cries beginning to quiet to a squeaky whimper. He looked back to see the young woman rocking her son back and forth slowly and humming a sweet song to him.
"It's alright darling," she crooned to her son. "Just rest your eyes now." Andrew swallowed hard as he watched the mother with her child. Something about the scene was so breathtaking and heartbreaking at the same time.
"Mama," the boy whimpered before falling into a restful sleep. Andrew wished he hadn't heard it. He wished he wasn't even on the train anymore. He wanted to hold his daughter in his arms and forget about the rest of the world, but he couldn't do that now. He couldn't face Colleen's family, and he couldn't take care of Julia on his own. Not now. Not yet.
He turned his attention back toward the window and watched as the sun played Hike-and-Seek behind the clouds. He closed his eyes to a memory that would forever rest in the bottom of his heart.
"Andrew, come feel!" Colleen exclaimed as Andrew brought her breakfast tray into the bedroom. Colleen had been feeling weak for the past few days and was resting up before their trip to Colorado Springs.
"Is it kicking again?" Andrew asked, placing the tray on the bedside table and sitting down at Colleen's side. She nodded eagerly and took her husband's hand. Andrew reveled at the feeling of his son or daughter kicking swiftly in its mother's womb. He could feel the little feet against his palm, and he was amazed that the little being inside of his wife was there partly because of him. He was an incredible feeling to know that a living human being was about to be born because of the love he and his wife had for one another.
"Our baby's strong, Andrew," Colleen said with a smile. "So don't worry anymore."
"I'm not worried," Andrew said, shaking off his wife's comment. Colleen gave him a skeptical glance.
"You don't have to pretend on account of me. I know you're worried. I've been worried too, but I know in my heart that our baby is going to be fine. Trust me, Andrew. Nothin' bad is gonna happen to our baby." Andrew merely nodded and pressed a kiss to his wife's hand.
"Rest now. Our baby needs you to be strong."
A loud screech followed by a violent jolt woke Andrew from his thoughts. He stood and looked around to find the other passengers staring out at the still countryside. The train had stopped, and the conductor was making his way onto the car.
"Nothing to worry about, folks. It's just a little trouble with the engine, but we should be up and running in fifteen minutes or so." The man left as quickly as he'd arrived in order to let the passengers in the other trains know what the problem was. Andrew observed the grumpy ladies at the front of the car sharing disapproving glances and whispering something about how this was the worst trip they'd ever taken by train and how they would rather take their chances with the "savage Indians" than ride for days on end in these despicable conditions.
Andrew ignored the loud whispers of the older women at the front of the car and moved his attention to the back. Young James had started to cry again, and his mother was desperately trying to calm him before the older ladies decided to give her a piece of their mind about her horrid mothering abilities. They'd been casting frowns upon her ever since she'd stepped onto the train two days earlier, and she only wanted to get out and stretch her legs and breathe a breath of fresh air.
"Here James," the young woman said, pulling a toy from her pocket. James' tantrum got the better of him, however, and he tossed it away. The small wooden bear carving landed with a loud clunk at Andrew's feet. The young mother's cheeks began to glow with crimson again, and Andrew slowly picked up the toy. He studied it carefully for a moment, and the toy reminded him of some of those that Sully had made for Katie and Beth. He had even found a few in the Sully barn under piles of dust. They'd most likely been there since Brian was younger and forgotten as he had grown up into a young man. "James! Don't be rude!" Andrew slowly stood and made his way to stand in front of the young woman and her child. The woman stood, and Andrew found that she stood about two inches shorter than him. "I'm so sorry, sir. My little boy is getting fussy. We've been on the train for a few days, and the only chance we had to stretch our legs was shortly before the train pulled out of Colorado Springs. I believe that was when you came aboard."
"That's right," Andrew replied, his mouth dry. "I believe this belongs to your son." He handed her the carving.
"Here you are," she said with a smile, adjusting the boy on her hip and handing him the carving. She tenderly wiped away his tears before extending a hand to the kind gentleman who had assisted her during her son's mild tantrum. "I'm Molly."
"Andrew," Andrew replied with a smile. James began to squirm again, and with great reluctance, Molly left her conversation with the kind gentleman to tend to her fussy child. Andrew turned and sat down in his seat again. He closed his eyes and felt his tears burning to be let out.
Molly watched the troubled man from afar, and she wondered what his story was. She had met many people in her lifetime, and she knew that the happiest and saddest of people had their own stories that told why they were so happy or sad. She knew one thing, however, and that was that for whatever reason he had been leaving Colorado Springs, he had done it in a hurry without looking back at the place he was leaving behind.
Dinner had been very quiet that evening. Nobody felt like eating, but they all needed to keep their strength up to be able to get through the next day and the days to come after that. It was going to take a day at a time to get through the awful mess that was before them, but with time, it would be a week at a time and then a month. Somehow it was going to get easier, but for now, they were dealing with the present and hoping that the next day would bring some comfort to them.
Brian had done the dinner dishes without being asked once, and Matthew was helping him to dry and put them away. Michaela and Sully were upstairs trying to settle the little ones into bed for the night. The task wasn't simple, because though Julia and Beth were already sleeping, snuggled up together in one cradle, Katie wasn't ready to go to sleep just yet, and she continued to climb out of her bed and join her parents in their bedroom.
"Katie," Sully said with exasperation in his voice. "This is the fifth time you've come in here. Ya need to be a big girl, and go sleep in your room."
"Not tired, Poppy!" she insisted. Michaela watched her daughter and husband for a moment before sitting down on the floor beside the cradle. She began to rock it slowly as Sully took Katie down the hall to her room.
Michaela watched her daughter and granddaughter sleeping so snugly together. Neither of them knew what they were to one another. Julia had no idea that this other child, who was only a week older than she, was her aunt. For all they knew, they were sisters, and for the time being, they were cradle mates.
"None of this makes sense," Michaela whispered. "But we'll work things out, little ones. Somehow, we'll work things out." She heard Sully's footsteps coming back down the hall, and she looked toward the doorway. He came into the room and shut the door behind himself.
"I think she's gonna stay in bed now." Michaela nodded slowly.
"Good. She's had a long day."
"We all have." Sully held his hand out to his wife and helped her up. "I think we need to talk."
"We did."
"No, Michaela. We ain't really talked about it at all. We gotta figure out how we're gonna handle this."
"Sully, please," Michaela began, turning to face the hearth so she could spare Sully from seeing the tears in her eyes again. Sully's hands rested upon her shoulders, and he leaned in to rest his cheek against hers.
"This ain't easy for any of us, Michaela." Michaela drew away from her husband and moved the window. Sully felt so cold when she pulled away from him. All he wanted to do was hold her and comfort her, but he knew it wasn't a good time right now. She was tired, and so much pain and pressure was resting in her heart. "We gotta do this together."
"I know that," Michaela whispered. "I just don't want to think about it right now, Sully. It's too soon!"
"It ain't too soon," Sully replied calmly. "There are kids involved, and we can't put off what they need just 'cause we're hurtin' too." Michaela turned to face him, and she looked as if she had been slapped in the face.
"Sully, do you think I'm being selfish?"
"'Course not."
"You obviously think that I'm only thinking of my own feelings and that I'm not thinking about the children. I'm especially thinking of the children! Julia didn't ask to be motherless and abandoned by her father!"
"I didn't say ya wasn't thinkin' 'bout the kids. I'm just sayin' that we gotta talk about this sooner or later, so it might as well be sooner."
"Can we talk about it in the morning?"
"No, 'cause then you'll wanna talk about it the next day and then the next." Michaela knew he had a point. She couldn't put this off no matter how painful it was.
"Alright," she whispered. Sully took her hand and led her out into the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen. Brian and Matthew had obviously gone up to bed, because the downstairs was completely dark and faintly smelled of smoke from the candlewicks after they'd been blown out.
Sully put a few extra logs in the hearth and lit a match. Michaela sat at the table with her hands folded together as she waited for her husband.
Sully sat down beside his wife and took her hands in his. She gave him a weak smile as his thumb tenderly ran along her knuckles. Her beautiful hands were trembling in his.
"First, we gotta talk about the money part." Michaela nodded and blinked a couple of times before clearing her throat.
"Most of my patients have been able to pay me in cash money lately."
"And I'm getting more work 'round here helpin' folks build their homes and fix things they can't fix."
"We've been living more than comfortably lately, and it hasn't changed much since Beth's birth," Michaela noted. "I don't think we have anything to worry about financially." Sully nodded in agreement.
"Alright, let's talk 'bout somethin' else." Michaela waited for him to continue. "Do ya really think we can handle this?"
"Handle? Sully, this isn't something we chose to do. This is something we were brought into doing, because our oldest daughter is dead, and her husband has run off to Boston. It isn't as if we brought this upon ourselves."
"I know," Sully replied softly, not wanting to upset his wife any more than she already was. "But, can we do this?"
"What do you think? Are you willing to take the extra time, Sully?"
"'Course I am. I can stay with the kids whenever ya need me to, and I know Matthew and Brian are gonna help."
"But Matthew will be going back to college soon, and . . ."
"No I won't," came Matthew's voice. Michaela and Sully both looked to the staircase to see their oldest son standing there.
"What?" Michaela asked.
"Ma, I didn't wanna say nothin' too soon, but I don't want ya thinkin' I ain't gonna be here."
"Matthew, what are ya sayin'?" Sully asked quickly.
"I'm sayin' that I ain't goin' back to school. At least not yet. I'll take a few months off. Maybe a year."
"Matthew, no!" Michaela said quickly.
"I already sent a telegram to the school, and there ain't no changin' it now. I'm stayin'. I gotta help look after the kids."
"Ya didn't need to do that, Matthew," Sully said quietly but understanding why Matthew had done what he had. Michaela stood and made her way over to her son.
"Matthew, I would feel better if you were back at school."
"Why? So I can sit there and worry 'bout all of ya? No, I wanna be here for my family. I'll go back, I promise. If I have to, I'll take over bein' sheriff again 'til it's time for me to go back to school." Sully was quite surprised at that point. Daniel had grown tired of the position and had moved on from Colorado Springs to try to make a life for himself, and the position of sheriff was still open.
"Matthew, you quit that job . . ."
"'Cause I didn't like bein' stuck in the middle of my family and the law. But I ain't got no reason to be in the middle, do I?" He looked at Sully who merely looked away. "If that's what it takes, Ma, I'll do it." Michaela was speechless at this point. "I wanna be here for my family now. I ain't been around much, and this is how Colleen woulda wanted it. She woulda wanted the family to be together." He looked to Sully who finally nodded in understanding, and a moment later, he was starting up the stairs to go to sleep for the night. Michaela slowly sat back down and turned to face Sully.
"Do you think he's truly willing to do this?"
"I think he wants to do it. He wants to be here to help, and I think it'll be easier on all of us if he is. I just wish he didn't have to give up his dream, but I'm sure he'll go back to it." Michaela nodded. "We can do this, Michaela. I know we can. Julia's gonna know we love her, and we'll take good care of her and Beth. Katie's gonna wanna help too." Michaela smiled softly.
"She loves them both so much," Michaela whispered. A tear trickled down her cheek at the thought of her little girls growing up with such a loving family, but her granddaughter was already virtually parent-less in her first days of life. Not anymore. They would love this child as if she were their own, and she would tell Julia everyday how she was proud to have such a beautiful granddaughter. Julia would never know the pain of not being loved or wanted. She would always have a safe haven in the Sully home.
Silence filled the train car, and Andrew leaned his head against the window to stare out into the blackness of the prairie he was passing through. A thick coating of clouds covered the moon and the stars, and Andrew silently thanked God that he was in the comfort of the train car and not out alone in the prairie. Though he felt lost and cold on the inside, he didn't have to feel that way on the outside.
The train shuddered for a moment before continuing on as if nothing had happened. Andrew was drifting off into a restless sleep when he heard whimpering coming from the back of the train car. He sat up and turned around to see Molly cradling a fussy James. The cry sounded weaker than before. He grabbed his medical bag on instinct and slowly stood. He walked back to Molly and James, holding onto the backs of seats so he wouldn't fall if the train shuddered again.
"Miss?" Molly looked up at Andrew.
"Mrs. Thomas, but please call me Molly." She turned her attention back to her son. "He isn't feeling well."
"May I take a look at him? I'm a doctor."
"A doctor?"
"Dr. Cook," Andrew replied with a nod. Molly smiled gratefully and passed her son to the doctor. Andrew began to examine the boy, and Molly watched as James squirmed in his arms. Though it was very dim in the train car, Andrew could easily tell what the boy's illness was.
"Mrs. Thomas," Andrew stated tiredly, "I see the culprit. It seems as if your son has chicken pox." Mrs. Thomas sighed and shook her head.
"I was afraid of that. I was visiting my sister, and her boy had chicken pox. I suppose it's best that he has them now?"
"Yes, but I must advise you to make sure he rests."
"We're still days away from Boston," Molly replied worriedly. Andrew swallowed hard.
"That's where I'm going. Just make sure he rests, and I'll personally escort the both of you to the hospital and see that he's properly treated."
"Thank you, Dr. Cook. You're sure he's alright?"
"He'll be just fine," Andrew replied with a nod. He handed the boy back to Molly and returned back to his seat, silently praying that he'd wake up from the nightmare he felt he was living. All he wanted was to wake up with his wife beside him and know that her death had all been a dream. But he knew he would never wake up. He'd never be released from the nightmare that his life had quickly turned into. Someday he would be with her again. Someday.
