Lie In The Sound
Chapter 8: Back Here Again


I felt almost as if I were back on the dock, watching the dolphins play… hating myself for what I'd done and what I could not do. I listened as he told me that he needed me to come back to him. But... I couldn't answer. I was isolated, on that dock, with the world bustling around me, continuing on even though I did not feel as if I was part of it. I was isolated, too, in this hell over which I had no control. I was trapped in my own mind, kept there by some force that I could not see.


He rested his head on my shoulder as we lay there together, waiting for our breathing to slow, holding each other tightly in silence. I loved these times, when the entire world consisted only of us, when our minds and bodies mingled. Our eyes met often, and we could have an entire conversation without saying a word.

He gently caressed the back of my hand, a gesture that told me more than any spoken word could. A crack of thunder shattered my calm as I jumped, pushing him off me as I sat straight up in bed.

"Rikku, it's okay… just some thunder."

"I don't like thunder!" I looked back at him as he attempted to fix the bedclothes, which my sudden flailing had thrown into chaos.

"I know." A bright flash illuminated the room, and another boom went off as I squealed in fright and jumped into his arms. He laughed and smoothed my hair back, kissing my forehead. "I've got you." He held me tightly; I felt safe in his embrace… I never wanted to leave it.


Tidus took the infant from the little crib in the corner of Rikku's room. The nurses and doctors had decided to let the child stay in the same room as her mother. Gippal looked more cheerful than he had in days when he got the news. Cid had wanted to talk to him privately, and the two had left the hospital and hour or so earlier.

It was the first time he'd held the little one, and as he looked down at her slightly bruised face, he was sorely reminded of Rikku as she looked out over the bay. She was sleeping soundly, completely calm. "I want to tell you something," he began, rocking the baby back and forth ever so slightly.

"When your mama came to Besaid and told us all that she was going to have you, she was so excited. All she wanted was for everything to be perfect. She didn't want to let you down, and she felt horrible for hiding you from your daddy. She only wanted the best for you." Tidus looked back to the bed where his best friend lay, motionless.

In truth, the young man had been blaming himself for the entire situation. She'd been crying on the beach. She'd been upset, stressed, scared. What if stress had caused her to go into her early labor? Why had he coaxed her to walk back to the village after those first few pains? He should have gone to get help instead of allowing her to complete the long, hilly walk to the village. He should have known that something was wrong the first time she'd had to stop walking and lean against the cliffside.

"I know… I know that all this is just another trial, you know? I… she only wanted the best for you, for everyone, and look at her!"

So much had happened since he'd met Rikku. In all truth, she was his best friend. He loved Yuna, but in a way, he loved Rikku just as much. His heart was being torn into pieces as he watched the woman who had been squeezing the feeling out of his hand just days ago waste away in a pathetic hospital gurney. He rocked the baby, who had begun to fuss, and stared out the window, his blue eyes flashing with anger and sadness. Who deserves this?


I walked along the little stretch of sand that lined the coast. The ocean breeze blew my already disheveled hair into disarray. With my hands in my pockets, I kicked at the white sand half-heartedly. I watched as the wind blew it back to the ground. As the sand flew through the air, the pattern was unpredictable, but once gravity ended the flight, it all settled once more, blended the miniscule grains back into the smooth blanket of its fellows.

Nearly two days had passed, and nothing had changed. True, her face had regained some color, but it was still much too pale. Her fever had gone down, but it had still existed. She was still unconscious. She wasn't responding to anything I'd tried.

I was too scared to try and talk to her, though. We'd talked during the labor, but it had been awkward. We hadn't really talked since the day she'd tried to tell me about our daughter.

And there came the anger again. The pent up anger that I'd pushed away for the six months she'd been missing from my life, the anger I'd suppressed on the Highroad when I'd arrived, the anger I'd let loose on Yuna. I'd denied that I was mad. But I was mad, at everything.

"Why is this happening?" I yelled out over the bay, waiting for an answer I knew the ocean would not give. "I hate this. I hate everything… I'm mad at myself! I'm mad at the doctors... I'm mad at Cid, and Yuna, Tidus, and Paine and Lulu. I hate to admit it, but I'm mad at the baby, too." I tasted the salt of the ocean spray, and stepped into the water, the cold liquid stinging my skin.

"I don't want to say it… I don't, I can't…" I mumbled, dragging my hands through my hair. I was torn. No one would hear me, I knew. I would hear myself, though, and that is exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want to admit it to myself.

"I'm mad at you, Rikku. I'm so, so mad at you." I realized that the salt I tasted was not the ocean spray, but rather, my own tears. The tears I'd tried so hard to contain, the tears I'd let loose once or twice. I backpedaled through the water, and fell back onto the beach, sobbing uncontrollably for the first time since I'd arrived. And I began to scream out at the water. "How could you do this to me? How could you just leave and never give me a reason? You never told me about my child, and now her well being is my responsibility. I barely had time to get used to the idea of a baby, and I've barely had time to get used to taking care of one! I'm angry… I need you to wake up! I can't raise her alone… and I'll never forgive you if I have to."

And as I cried on the sand, I felt a certain release. Blessed relief filled my soul, and I took momentary comfort in it. For once, I didn't feel guilty about my anger. I let it in. I embraced it. And I let myself cry.


Wakka sat next to his wife in Rikku's room. Tidus and Yuna had gone for a bite to eat, Paine was back at the house with Vidina, and Gippal was still gone. As he looked at the diminished physique of the once lively girl he now considered a sister, he shook his head. "Never thought Rikku would end up like this."

"I didn't think it would take so much out of her. She was always one of the strongest of our group on the road. She's always been determined in everything she does."

He reached out and put a reassuring hand on Lulu's shoulder. "She'll wake up, Lu. Sooner or later."

Lulu shook her head and looked to Wakka with tears in her eyes. "This is my fault, Wakka…" she whispered, almost too quiet to hear.

He was shocked at first, but then he shook his head. "There was nothin' you could do. Things happen, and we have to go with it, ya?" He shrugged. "You gotta have faith, Lu, and you gotta stop lookin' for someone to blame."

When she didn't respond, he crossed his arms and stared at his friend. "I used to have faith in the teachings. They were something solid, with a history, ya? Well… I think it would be better to have faith in Rikku. She's a solid, dependable girl. She's got a history of surprising all of us. I know, deep down, that she'll be alright. We just have to give her time to heal. Who knows? Maybe we all need the time to heal, too."

A soft cry came from the crib in the corner. Wakka didn't hesitate to go to the little girl and pick her up. Lulu watched him as he smiled at her and hummed the old Hymn of the Fayth to soothe her. Maybe he's right… this can only get better…


I'd gone back at suppertime to feed my daughter, but once she had fallen back to sleep, I felt the need to run away again. Lulu was there to watch her, and so I'd gone back out to the beach to watch the sunset. Rikku and I had watched many sunsets together. The colors didn't seem as bright without her there beside me.

I had planned on remaining with my girls all day and all night, but Cid's tale had frightened me. How could I sit in that hospital room, holding the beautiful baby girl whom I couldn't bear to give a name, waiting for her mother's condition to better or worsen? I wasn't strong enough for it. I wanted to be there for my baby, for the woman I loved, but I simply couldn't.

In all honesty, I felt like a coward, like a failure, and like a fool. Even if she wasn't awake or responsive, Rikku was still alive, and I should have been spending every spare moment with her. I should have been strong for my child, and I should have tried to be the good father that I desperately wanted to be. I should not be hiding on a beach, waiting for the city to sleep so that I could return in peace, without having to look at the clueless population of Luca or wondering why I couldn't be one of them.

The moonlight was strong on the water, casting a silver glow over everything the light touched. The air was still warm, but not too warm. The breeze had stilled, and the sands remained in their solitary slumber, beautiful and entrancing at the same time. The night was perfect.

I shook my head, amazed that no matter how hard I tried, everything I saw reminded me of her. I was angrier than I'd ever been with her, yes, but… I still loved her more than I ever had.

My thoughts were harshly interrupted. "Gippal! Gippal, are you out there!" Yuna's voice carried on the calm air. I stood and looked around, barely spotting her on the docks. She saw me, as well, and ran quickly over the sand.

Her face was pale. Something was wrong. "What happened?"

"She went… white, Gippal, white as a gull, and her fever shot up. She almost stopped breathing… the doctors are with her now, they think she might have started to bleed again." Yuna's hands were shaking violently. I was pale. I reached out for her hands and squeezed them reassuringly, though I too was upset.

"Let's go, then."

She and I began to jog back down the beach. "The baby started crying as soon as all the monitors went off. She's been quiet since she was born, you know, but now she won't stop. Lulu and Wakka have been trading off, and Tidus stayed with Rikku. Uncle Cid tried to calm her down, too, but nothing is working. I… I couldn't find you. I thought you might have left or something."

"I would never just leave, Yuna, I'm not as bad of a person as many think I am." I was angered at her comment, but I was much too worried about everything to make a big deal out of it.

"I never said you were, I just couldn't find you. If I were you, I'd try to get away for a little while, too."


"Come on, angel, ssh… it's alright, Daddy's here now… Hey, sweetie, it's okay, calm down…" I'd never heard a more painful sound than the anguished cry of a child. I'd heard the nurses talking about how babies could sense when something was wrong. I was trying my hardest to calm myself in order to calm her, but it was futile. I now knew the difference between a whine and a cry. This cry had tears, and it was much more violent and emotional. A whine was simply a way for the child to demand attention.

I rested her little head on my shoulder and bounced her ever so gently, walking up and down the hall as I waited for the doctors to inform me of Rikku's condition. I rubbed her back softly, and held her tight, tucking her little pink blanket around her. She was gasping for air in between screams, and my heart was tearing at the sight and sound of it. "Baby, it's okay now, I've got you… you can calm down… ssh, everything's going to be okay…"

She hiccupped and sucked in a deep breath, her cries reducing a bit in volume. "That's it… calm, angel, calm down…" I could feel her grab a fistful of my shirt. Her little body was shaking as she slowly but surely stopped squalling. She was still whimpering, but her exhaustion was getting the better of her. I continued to walk her up and down the hall. A doctor that I didn't recognize emerged from Rikku's room and approached me. Other patients and their guests were staring at me from their rooms, and I suddenly realized that I'd probably kept many of them awake by parading my daughter through the hallway. Thankfully, no one seemed to mind.

"Gippal?"

"Yeah, that's me… is Rikku alright?" I stopped walking, but I rocked back and forth, from side to side. Babies liked motion, I knew. If I stopped moving, she would probably begin her squalling again.

"We were able to catch the new hemorrhage in time. She lost a good amount of blood. We're going to give her another transfusion, and we're going to try to bring down her fever."

I hesitantly looked the doctor in the eyes. "Is she going to wake up, ma'am? Honestly. I don't want or need any of your fancy mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if she's going to make it through this."

The woman gave me a soft smile, and understanding smile. "From what I've heard about Miss Rikku, she is capable of pulling through. She has lost a large amount of blood in the past few days, and she's working against statistics at the moment. Personally, I believe that she can make it. But it's up to her. I don't have any way of waking her up or of knowing all the answers, Gippal. No one does." She nodded and walked off down the hall toward another room. I slowly made my way to Rikku's room.

As I relayed the news to those who sat outside, the other doctors gave us the okay to go inside. Rikku was stable once more. I took the seat next to her, with the baby in my arms. The six of us adults took various seats around the room. Cid had tears in his eyes. Lulu and Yuna were both pale. Wakka watched Rikku, a strange expression in his eyes. Tidus looked how I felt… numb.


Thanks for all the reviews! Okay, so this next week and a half, I have finals, and play practice, and color guard auditions, etc, etc, etc. Therefore… there most likely won't be any updates until June 3, 2005. But then summer is coming! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thanks for all your support.

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