Chapter 6
"Oh dear, Tonks. I do believe he has gone into shock."
I was trying so hard not to laugh in Snape's face that I could only nod. I really did kind of feel bad for him. It's not easy for someone who has lived their entire in the shadows being told that "Guess What! Your konk gets to be smacked on every scandal sheet around if you step outside your door. We are also going to throw in careful and full analysis of your wardrobe, facial/hair/body condition and whoever you happen to be in the company of. Enjoy! Be entertaining for us, won't you?"
Needless to say, it's a lot for someone to take in. Getting back to Snape, his eyes had glazed over and his jaw seemed to be working on its own. Only small whimpers came out for at least a minute. I felt the need to snap him out of his pit of despair.
"Oi, Sevy! Don't look so down! You get cleaned up and we'll make a star out of you yet…."
That did it.
"LISTEN, YOU IDIOTIC CHILD! I AM A POTIONS MASTER, NOT AN ACTOR…"
"On the contrary, Severus, you act all the time. You act as a Death Eater. You act as a spy for Voldemort in Hogwarts and you act like you are a "greasy git" the majority of the time. I think that this exercise would be good for you. Get you out amongst the living. Remind you that not all people are like the Death Eaters. Well, I must be getting back to Hogwarts. Severus, if you would accompany me, I'll fill you in on all the particulars…"
Snape, having been cut off by Dumbledore, slumped his shoulders and sighed. When Albus makes up his mind, there is no getting out of it. He shot me a particularly pointed look before following the Headmaster out the door, making sure to slam it just enough to cause our prissy portrait to start screaming. I sighed; this would either kill him or make him stronger, as the old saying goes.
However, I had more important fish to fry. I had to get home and work on paperwork (joy), plus I had to jump onto the computer and get familiar with J-Anth-Lo's wardrobe. Stopping by the kitchen to bid my farewells, I apparated as soon as the front door closed behind me.
A week passed. Nothing happened, and I do mean nothing. Oh sure, the Ministry had some nice scores for us good guys. Kingsley and some others stumbled across an illegal breeding program for Manticores. Wrangling creatures made by dark wizards can be interesting, but Kings and his team had it all wrapped up in a jiffy. Even though I didn't get to participate in the fun stuff, I sure got a chunk of the paper work. Kings had a good laugh at that grumble, grumble.
In Saturday's post (yes, I get Muggle as well as Owl post. I'm kind of a closet E-Bay addict. Don't tell anyone) I received a package from Mr. Lawrence. A large box filled with all the trappings that I would need for my first assignment. The itinerary went as follows. I was to make appearances at Harrods and use the enclosed cash allotment to buy some clothes. There were some stylish and very revealing "sweats" with some nice trainers that I was to wear into the store. Then I was to pick up a car and my "security". Then to lunch and back to the Hotel. After that, I was done for the day. In the care package was a cell phone and a card of a local stylist that was to "help" me "get into character".
"Get into Character". It was at this point that I realized that I had never tried to morph into my charge before. I needed help, and of the female variety, but I couldn't let them in on my plan. I really needed to study Ms. Jenny-from-the-Block and fast. I only had three days until I was required. I grabbed some of the pocket money and headed out to do research. Research in this case meant buying lots of trashy scandal sheets and surfing the web. While I was out, I would owl Ginny and Hermione. Both were very familiar with muggle culture, so they could be my "feminine perspective".
"Tonks, make the waist a little snugger and the skin tone just a bit lighter…" Hermione stated. " I know that you want to look the part for this party that you are going to, but why involve Ginny and I? Its not like many people will know who Jennifer Lopez is."
Blimey, this girl is thinking WAY to hard about this.
Ginny and Hermione had agreed to meet me at Grimmald Place to go over a "costume" for a party. The first hour had me morphing into body shapes that made Hermione gag and Ginny giggle like crazy.
" Honestly, Tonks! Her bum is an ASSET not a DEFORMITY!" Hermione stated.
"You look like the elephant man of ASS!" Ginny cackled.
Hermione shot Ginny a look but then started giggling along with the rest of us. Heh, Ginny was turning into quite the snarky one for her young age. Probably why random blonde Slytherins that I happen to be related to were taking such an interest and why some scar-headed Gryffindors were getting jealous.
After another hour, we agreed that it was as close to J-Lo as we could get. I figured that we should test this out.
"Who is in the house now?" I asked.
"Well, there is an order meeting tonight. Remus, Molly, Arthur and the regular crowd should be here…"
"But who is here now?"
"I'll go down to the kitchen and check." Hermione volunteered, "You two stay up here."
Upon returning, Hermione had an evil twinkle in her eye.
"Heh, this should be good. Remus, Moody, Fred and George are in the kitchen. The prefect test subjects."
"Great, how should I make my entrance."
"Well" Ginny stated " We'll go down first and then you come down a minute later. This should be hilarious."
Ginny and Hermione left and I continued to examine myself in the mirror. Pretty darn spot on, if you ask me. I just hope that no one asks me to DANCE like J-Lo. Well, time to try it out.
I sauntered into the kitchen, making eye contact with no one. Walking to the cooler, I grabbed a butter-beer and positioned myself near the table. The boys were engaged in a game of exploding snap, but I had to do something to get them to notice me.
Hmmmm, lets put this bum into action.
I "accidentally" dropped the cap of the butter beer.
"Sweet Merlin…"
I stood up and turned around. The fellows were sitting at the table wide eyed with their mouths agape. I wasn't expecting a newcomer, who had entered the kitchen. He was more slack jawed and wide eyed than the rest. Never mind the fact that he was stuttering.
Mission Accomplished
" Oi, you lot! Put your peepers back in your skulls! This isn't an anatomy lesson…"
Fred and George struck first.
"Oh if it were. Oh if it were.."
Then Remus
"My god, Tonks. If you want to get noticed by the heterosexual male community, that is sure one way to do it."
Moody just grunted when he found out it was me, and turned back to the board.
But Snape just stood there with his mouth moving but no sounds coming out.
"Blink Severus." Remus quipped.
"Yeah, don't stare at it TO long, Snape. Perfect bums have been known to cause blindness in males." Fred and George are such pervs. No wonder Ginny's on her way to joining them.
That did it.
"Immature, Tonks." Snape said, as he glided over to me. Then he said so only I could hear.
"Immature, but quite the striking resemblance. You should show this to Dumbledore for our little 'mission'.
This made me ponder
"Severus, I didn't think you would know who she was.."
He smiled
"Like Remus said, I am a heterosexual male." Then he left the room.
By the time it was over, I was the one standing there with my eyes wide and mouth agape.
