John Wayne and the Cure For Hiccups

SMILE! You're on candid camera! Yeah so… I was a little tired last night, too tired to do anything on this story so I decided to do something today… hehehe, here in PDC the only "big" city nearby is Cancun… oh how I hate Cancun but it's the only place where I can get fresh milk… so yeah… here's the newest junk from Kiyomi Mizuhara-san and Co!

Special Guest: John Wayne… I love John Wayne… he's like my fave… yeah… hehehe read on…

Caution: The characters in this story may damage your health… as may I, reading this chapter of this messed up story can cause revulsion, starry eyes, glomping, jumping, fishing, hunting Ramen noodles, running away screaming from Ramen noodles, severe head trauma, burns, scratches, that chicken next to you changing into a dog eating creature ((made you look)), you mother to scold you, your father to run away and join the military because of the mini-skirts and lots and lost of laughter. We are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for the following: your dog biting you and giving you rabies ((as if you didn't have them already)), some strange a mysterious girl glomping you, Roy Mustang running through your house in a wedding dress, Riza Hawkeye running after him in a tux, Edo-kitty-kun meowing until your ears fall off, your shower stalling, banana splitting, board walking, the French toasting, the pan caking, fry cooking or John Wayne's ghost walking into your house and stealing your computer…

Thank You.

Yomi Mizuhara-Kun and Co.

Health Warning: Please just don't read this…

Normal Day… sorta… the middle of the night…

Roy let his head fall down and hit the table. He was so hungry. He turned a glazed face towards the sleeping Edo-kitty-kun. His stomach grumbled and he suddenly remembered something, he could walk to the nearest convenience store… because Roy hadn't eaten in almost 4 days, neither had any of them… Roy looked up, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth and stood up, his stomach was slightly concave. Suddenly he realized that he was surrounded by his lieutenants… they all wore glazed expression. He needed food and fast. Fury was foaming at the mouth, he and Eh-Chan were fighting over the couch pillows… he walked down the stairs and down the street. As he came to the corner he groaned. The lights were all green and tons upon tons of cars were going by.

…this was going to take a while…

… after 45 minutes of standing and waiting he suddenly took a chance and dove across the street in a heroic James Bond fashion, dodge rolling all the cars and sliding down the front of one. He dove across to the convenience store and walked in, after regaining his composure. He grabbed a basket or two and ran through the store… grabbing everything he could find (as well as about 50 packages of coffee and every single package of Ramen he could find).

As he arrived at the counter the other cashier closed down for the night so he was now forced to move to the other line, the line that seemed to be over 40 miles long.

…this is taking a while…

Finally after 3 hours of waiting in line Roy dashed out of the store, bags coating his arms and a few in his mouth. He dove across the street again and ran full speed down the street. He ran up the stairs, out of breath he burst in the door.

"FOOD!" Was the unison cry, everyone dogpiled him for the food. Roy just escaped with his life.

Normal Day… sorta… next night…

Ed hung out of the cabinet, he was curled up in a little ball. Suddenly he heard a bang and jumped up, his tail puffed and his back arced. There was another bang and he looked around. What he saw was Roy with a sledge hammer. Ed jumped to another cabinet as Roy slammed the sledge hammer into the cabinet. Ed's head popped back out and again Roy slammed the cabinet just as Ed dodged to another.

"WHACK A MOLE!" Hughes laughed. Ed's head popped back out and again Roy slammed the sledge hammer into the wall.

"COLONEL!" Al ran into the room and saw what he was doing.

"Hi Al!" Roy smiled and waved then lugged the sledge hammer up and again tried to hit Ed. Ed dodged out of the cabent and the game was on again. Roy ran after the terrified cat-boy and snapped his fingers, blasting fire at the scaredy cat. ((hehehe))

"ROY'S LOST IT!" Fury ducked as the Colonel swung a flaming sledge hammer at his head.

Suddenly Roy stopped and hiccupped. The entire room went silent.

"Did he… just…" Ed blinked.

"Hiccup?" Riza finished his sentence.

"I think…" Ross nodded.

"WE MUST FIX IT!" Havoc cried.

Unexpectedly the door swung open and in walked John Wayne, his spurs clinking on the hardwood floor, "I'll fix it." John said to them.

"He-hey… it's you…" Breda said.

"John…" Hughes breathed.

"Wayne…" Falman finished for him.

"I'll sock it to ya." John said and dumped a bucket of water on top of Ed and Alphonse.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"A talking cat?" John knelt down and lifted Ed up by his scruff.

"NO! I'M A HUMAN AND THAT BAKA-TAISA TURNED ME INTO A CAT!"

"Well I can fix that." John clapped his hands and fixed Ed who turned back into a human.

"Alright-hic-y then." Roy said.

"Hiccups! How do we fix them?" Breda asked.

"Drink water?" Armstrong suggested.

"Alright!" Roy ran into the other room and came back a few minutes later with a glass of water and he drank it down.

"Are you cured?" Falman asked the colonel.

"I heard that standing on your head was a good remedy." John told them and they all looked at Roy.

"Hee! We get to stand him on his head!" Excel laughed insanely.

"UP YOU GO!" El Gala pushed him up.

"Are you cured?" Havoc asked him.

"I think… maybe…" Roy said then suddenly –hic-. "No." They stood him back up again.

"I heard holding your breath was supposed to work." Hughes told Roy. Roy nodded and sucked in air then stopped breathing.

"Just don't laugh." Riza said.

"Yeah Roy… I mean you laugh and it's all over."

6 minutes later Roy's face was turning blue then suddenly –hic- he let out all the air.

"Damn… nothing's working…" Falman said.

"Hmmm.. try drinking water while holding your nose." John suggested.

"Okay, anything to get rid –hic-of these th-hic-ngs." Roy said and held his nose, gulping down water.

"Are you cured?" Ed asked. Also getting interested in ridding Mustang of his hiccups.

"Well…" Ross peered at him.

"Are you?" El Gala asked. –Hic-

"Nope." John drummed his fingers on the wall and Riza hung her head. "Let's go straight to the source, hiccups are caused by spasms in the diaphragm…"

"HERE?" Ed slammed his automail fist, just below Roy's chest.

"That's the Solar Plexus…" Falman told him.

"A vital point on the human body." Havoc told the oldest Elric.

"Oops, my bad." Ed said in a sing song voice. –HIC- the hiccups were getting worse.

"Try applying pressure to the eyeballs." John said and Roy looked at him.

"Pressure to the WHA- AH!" Riza suddenly tackled him and press his eyes.

"Sorry sir… but I had to…" –HIC-

"Damn, that didn't work…" Hughes said, hanging his head.

"HORSERADISH! " Al suddenly cried out.

"Oh yeah… Mom use to make us eat horseradish to get rid of hiccups…" Ed smiled.

"H-horseradish?" Roy grimaced along with the rest.

"We have horseradish!" Hyatt said ((making her first appearance since the beginning of this story)).

"Here Roy." John handed Roy a spoon and the bottle of horseradish. Everybody but Roy pulled out gasmasks as he opened it. The stench filled the room and almost made Roy pass out. He gulped and took a spoonful of the godaweful stuff and shoved it into his mouth and gulped again. Then he closed the jar and everyone took off their masks.

"Are you cured?" Armstrong asked.

"I'm not –HIC- NOOOOO!" Roy fell to his knees and someone hit him in the back, then again and again.

"I-thwack-heard that-thwack-you can-thwack, crack, bam-cure the hiccups-thwack-by-thwack-hitting them-thwack-on the-thwack-back," Ed said.

"THAT'S YOUR AUTOMAIL YOU IDIOT! YOU'LL KILL HIM!" Havoc shouted and grabbed Ed's arm.

"Plus that's the way you help someone if they're choking…" Riza said --U

"Oh oops…" Ed chuckled and Roy eyed him evilly.

"I think you broke my back!" Roy groaned, his back cracking.

"I heard that!" Riza told him. –HIC-HIC-

"Try pulling his tonge…" John said suddenly and everyone looked at him.

"Are you serious?" Al asked but before they could say anything Edo-Kun was on Roy, pulling his tongue with all the might of his automail arm.

"AHHHH! GEU II OO EE!"1 Roy shouted. Everyone looked at him.

"STOP!" Hughes told Ed and he let go of the poor colonel.

"How about… let's see…" Lieutenant Ross said thoughtfully… -HIC- "I think my mother once told me that the cure for hiccups was to give it to someone else."

Everyone looked at her. Then thought about this…

"How-do…do you suggest we do that?" Roy asked –HIC-

"Uhhh…" Ross looked around. "I'm not sure."

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?" Ed shouted at Roy who was looking at him mischievously.

"No re-hic-son." Roy told him.

Everyone stared at Roy and thought… what was the cure for this disease? They all pondered –HIC- and pondered some more-HIC-.

"I'VE GOT IT!" John shouted suddenly and Roy jumped.

"What?" Was everyone's reply.

"That was it…" John said. Everyone in the room sighed in frustration. "No, I was trying to scare him." They all stared at Roy again –HIC-HIC-HIC- nothing was working!

"Okay so anymore ideas?" Breda asked.

"Uhh…" Falman shrugged.

"Hmmm…" Fury shook his head.

"Nope." Hughes patted Roy's shoulder reassuringly –HIC-

"I'm fresh out." Havoc sighed.

"Don't look at me." Ross said.

Out of nowhere someone set off a gun, bits of the ceiling fell onto Roy's head and he jumped two feet in the air. –HIC-HIC-HIC-HIC-

"Damn…" Riza scowled.

"Any more ideas…?" Al asked.

"Maybe he's sick…" El Gala suggested.

"Sick?" Riza looked at her.

"Yeah… or perhaps we should as Lord Il Palazzo." Hyatt said.

"YEAH! Lord Il Palazzo knows everything!" Excel said and ran out the door. –HIC- A few minutes later Excel came back in with Il Palazzo.

"I say…" –HIC- Il Palazzo looked at Roy.

"Do you –hic- know a way –hic- to get rid of hiccups?" Roy asked –HIC-

"Hold your ears while you drink a carbonated beverage." Il Palazzo said and Excel ran in with a soda. Roy opened it as Riza plugged his ears. He gulped the can down.

"SO?" Hughes asked as Il Palazzo left.

"Uh…" –HIC-

"Nope…" Ed and the rest sighed and fell back onto the floor.

A few hours and many body jerking hiccups later El Gala looked around at them all. Fury was flicking paper balls at Roy, Hyatt and Ross were talking about something or another, Breda and Falman were sitting across from each other throwing cards into a large wooden bowl, Ed and Al were back to back, their heads together, asleep, Riza was sitting cross legged on the floor cleaning her weapon with John, Roy was lying on his back, his knees bent up with his arms behind his head as a pillow, Hughes and Havoc were playing poker with M&M's and Peanuts, Excel was now attempting to revive Hyatt next to Ross and El Gala was fixing her sweater.

"You know…" El Gala spoke suddenly making everyone jump.

"Know what?" Roy asked. –HIC-

"I was just thinking about the thing I said earlier… maybe he's sick."

"Sick?" Riza asked.

"Yeah… maybe you should get a doctor to look at that…" Havoc said, his cigarette still hanging out of his mouth.

"Huh?" Roy looked scared.

"Just the fact that he doesn't know makes it a symptom already." Falman said.

"Wha-what?"

"We think that there's something wrong with your brain…" Breda told Roy.

"Uhhh hey Roy… Your hiccups are gone…" Hughes pointed out. Everyone stared at Roy.

"Huh? HEY! THEY ARE!" Roy smiled. Everyone in the room let out a cheer until suddenly –HIC-

"Who was it?" Roy looked around. –HIC- the next one came from Edward.

Uh oh… what's gunna happen next… hehehehe… sorry I had to get that out of my system… sorry it was so long lol! READ AND REVIEW!