Chapter 9
"No…..No……NO! You daft old codger I am NOT wearing that nonsensical pile of rags…."
"Oh Severus, with your tendencies towards the dramatic, I thought that you would enjoy this. You get to act…as an actor! A double helping of….
"What? Pure unadulterated shit? Listen, Albus, lets have it out right here. I know I owe you this giant debt and all, but this was not part of the arrangement. Granted, I may have worked for the dark lord, but at least we had outfits that didn't make us look like gothic cabana boys! I have paid my debt to you, ten times over and I continue to do so. Cripes, I continue to do so in some semblance of enjoyment! Teaching the simian offspring of the wizarding world, spying for the order AND playing death eater toadie while at the same time managing to NOT let the dark lord know what is going on and YOU THINK THAT I WOULD ENJOY 'PLAYING' AN ACTOR? FOR GODS SAKE, ALBUS! THAT WHELP OF A MAN DOES DIET COKE COMMERCIALS!"
"Severus…."
"And whats more, I am NOT going to cut my hair like that. Have you seen what he does with it? He spikes it up with some sort of primordial goop and I swear I think he has charmed his hair to give it highlights. Do you expect ME to get HIGHLIGHTS?
"Severus, please…."
"From the research tapes that we have been watching for the past ten minutes, I would have to take my personality, sprinkle it with sugar, Spanish fly and about a gallon of…. (at this point in the conversation Severus's gag reflex kicked in and he about lost his lunch)..Gildery Lockhardt!"
"Well, Gildery was a great showman…"
"No Albus, no! I swear if you mention his name and mine in the same sentence its possible that my poor, old, black heart couldn't take it. You tell me that Mr. Brody is quite the 'ladies man' ? What did that video say '…the ladies are very interested in the big-nosed Boggart?' What in the wide world of Quidditch does that mean? Why would women be interested in that? I'll bet that the only reason that he attacked that poor young actress was that he hadn't had any release with a female present in months!"
This is about where I come in. I had cruised over to Harrods and picked up the packages that had been pre-ordered and purchased for me. I hadn't had the opportunity to check them out yet, as I had some business at Grimmald Place. I had entered through the front door expecting to find the place bustling as it usually does, but everyone seemed to be running late for one reason or another. I walked down the main hallway where I found Fred and George Weasley and Remus Lupin crouched by one of the many doors that lined the walls. Both brothers were turning bright shades of pink from stifling laughter while Remus had stuffed most of the arm of his sweater into his mouth and was trying not to role around on the floor. I thought that some had put a seizure hex on them at first but then I realized that whatever they were listening to in the room had to have been very funny. Fred happened to see me and motioned me over, putting a finger to his purple lips to insist on silence, even though this trio was making tons of noise.
It was here that I joined in on the spying
"Albus it just won't work. You really expect me to learn to dance simply by watching these muggle videos? I have to learn how to walk, talk, stand, smile, dance, eat, and be charming and that will be accomplished all by watching videos? Albus, I simply cannot do this in the amount of time that you have stipulated. It's impossible. I would need 3 months to even break the ice on all this and you give me three hours? It just won't work. I don't have the stamina or the patience…"
"Severus, if I may break in from you downtrodden diatribe for one moment. You won't be doing this alone. Ms. Tonks is going to be watching these research materials right along with you. If I do say so myself, you should really take advantage of all her knowledge and ask her questions. She is a young wizard with her finger on the pulse of what is 'hip' in the wizard and muggle worlds. She will be an invaluable resource. Never mind that I truly think that you will like the changes to your physical appearance, which are going to be very slight. Those long locks are quite unprofessional for a professor at a first class wizarding school to be wearing. A short, styled crop is just what you need, Severus…"
"I DID NOT JOIN THIS FIGHT AGAINST EVIL SO I COULD BE TOLD THAT I NEED A HAIRCUT! I AM A LEGIMENS! I AM A POTIONS MASTER! I AM A WIZARD SKILLED IN STEALTH, CUNNING, AGILITY! THE LIST GOES ON AND ON! HOW CAN YOU CHARGE ME THAT MY HAIR IS UNPROFESSIONAL TO THE STUDENTS? HAVE YOU SEEN GRANGER OR POTTER'S HAIR? THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SLEEP ON GARDEN RAKES.."
"Severus the point is that I am asking you to do something for the Order. I am not going to continue this discussion, even though it is quite amusing to me. I have to collection notes from the other Order members. I believe that Ms. Tonks has arrived. If Remus and the Mr.'s Weasley would remove themselves from the door, you can get started with your research. Ms. Tonks, could you please give me the bags that you picked up from Harrods today? I would like to look over them and add one our two improvements to them. I just collect my things and be on my way."
Albus moved to a circular table in the corner of the room and picked up a pile of clothes that looked dangerously like a pair of dark jeans and a ruby red dress shirt…
"Severus, I'll let you keep the glasses and the boots. You need to get used to walking, talking and dancing in those. Tonks, you as well. Keep the heels, hat and glasses. I want you too watch the videos and do what they tell you. However, don't follow them to the letter. Use them as a guide but you should also you your talents of improvisation. It's very important that I not be able to tell the difference between you and the actors that you will be impersonating. I will return later. Now, get to watching and practicing. Severus, it wouldn't hurt you to take some notes. I know this will only be a refresher course for Tonks, but this is your first experience with this. Severus, don't roll your eyes at me, just do the job that has been given to you. Have fun you two (and then he winked, which made me think that he had more up his sleeve than he was telling) and I'll be back in about an hour and a half. Mr. Weasley's. Remus. Please accompany me to the kitchen. I feel the need for some of your mothers wonderful tea and shortbread."
Then he shut the door.
I looked around the room and saw a small television with a VCR and DVD player attached to them. I walked over to the set and was about to turn it on when Snape let out a groan like a zombie.
"Ms. Tonks, I don't think I have the strength to watch that without my IQ dropping several points. You, being clearly out of danger, should watch them and take notes for me. I have more important things to do.."
He turned on his heals and was about to touch the door handle when giant chains and a huge bolt appeared in front of his outstretched hand. I quickly went into Auror mode as he turned to face me with a burning rage spilling onto his face. I held my wand in front of me.
"Severus, being an Auror, we are going to do this how our superior wants it done. And we are going to do it with little or no arguments.
I could see the vein in his neck jumping, but I jumped first.
"And, we are going to follow his instructions to the letter. So sit down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to make myself a drink and I would be glad to make you one. However, if you are not here when I return, I will personally hunt you down, tie you to a chair and subject you to the worst of what Muggledom has to offer. Now please, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"
He continued to peer at me, but he did so seated on the couch.
"You? Hunt ME down? Nymphadora I know that you a given to flights of fancy but this is ridiculous…"
"Weak sauce, Severus. Now what are you drinking…"
