And, the usual stuff. Read, review, hopefully enjoy. Sorry my chapters
are all pretty short, but they just turn out that way. This is the longest
so far by about three pages. Whee.
Chapter Three
Tears of Blood
Sirius stopped short at the bottom of the stairs and watched his friend. Remus was sitting perfectly still, spread out in an armchair before the fire. The flames had long since died, but the coals glowed orange with inner heat. For a moment, Sirius thought he saw the same heat in his friend: his nostrils flared once and his eyes began to burn with an anger so intense it scared Sirius into looking away. He saw the object of Remus' fury: Jesse was making her way slowly down the spiral staircase into the common room. Moony could probably smell her, as it was the day of the full moon.
Sirius sighed and stepped forward. He gently shook Remus out of his reverie.
"If you want to make it to class on time, you'd better go get changed now," he said quietly. Remus stared at him for a moment as if he didn't understand, then seemed to wake up completely.
"Oh, right," he said suddenly, hopping out of his seat and running upstairs to take a shower and change. Sirius and James watched him go, then exchanged a glance.
"You think he was down here all night?" Sirius asked.
"I don't doubt it." Peter nodded his agreement.
"He does this a lot before the full moon," Peter assured his friend.
"Yeah, and you always worry about him when he does," James added with a grin. Sirius glared at him.
"Well, someone's got to. We all forgot to bring him dinner last night-this means he hasn't eaten hardly anything since day before yesterday. I'm not the one who's gonna keep him off Peter tonight," he pointed out with a meaningful look at the boy. James laid a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"Never fear, my friend. We will fatten up the wolf during the day," he promised, grinning. Peter shot him a look and gestured across the room, where Jesse was making her way over.
"Good morning," she said jovially. The three returned her greeting, then hailed Lily, who was looking for them from the staircase. She made her way through the crowded common room. By the time she was standing among her friends, Remus was running downstairs again, running a hand through his wet hair and straightening his robes.
"Alright, I'm ready," he said distractedly, flashing them a grin. "I feel lots better now, but I'm starv-" He stopped short when he saw Jesse. She was looking up at him hopefully, praying that he wouldn't be rude to her again in front of everyone. Her prayers came true, to some extent. "Good morning," he said coldly, continuing down the last few steps more slowly. Sirius shot James a meaningful look.
"Shall we on to breakfast, then?" James offered quickly. "If we don't get there soon there'll be nowhere to sit." Everyone agreed fervently, glad to break the tension, and the group crawled through the portrait hole and made their way through the crowds destined for the Great Hall.
Breakfast was the usual; Sirius and Remus ate ravenously, James read the newspaper as he munched on toast, Lily chided everyone on their manners, and Peter stayed out of everyone's way, content to listen to the bantering. Jesse found that she was content to be silent, also; whenever she spoke, Remus grew very tense, and she didn't have much worth saying anyway. So she sat, ate, and listened.
They all went to their first class together: Charms. Professor Flitwick was teaching them all the different ways to create light with the wand. Besides the usual lumos charm, there were at least seven others to create different kinds of light. Sirius and James got a kick out of the soft, red light that came from the illuminado charm. Sirius noticed that the brightest light, which came out of the wand in a straight beam, made Remus' eyes light up yellow. He didn't mention it to the others; it creeped him out a bit.
Remus left the others to go to Divination while they went to their own elective classes. He couldn't believe his luck when he saw Jesse Philbin sitting at the table next to his. She was settled uncertainly on a soft pouf. He was glad when he could sit down in an armchair with his back to her.
Divination was boring that day; they read tea leaves with different types of tea, sometimes mixing them. Remus found nothing he didn't already know, and his partner, a Hufflepuff girl, felt the same way. She made a comment that Remus would normally have found funny, but he was in too strange of a mood to laugh. He forced a chuckle to keep from hurting her feelings, but was sure it didn't sound convincing.
At lunch that day, Jesse sat next to Lily and talked quietly with her about her tea leaves. Remus was sitting across the table and three people down, but his sensitive wolf ears picked up every other word. He tried not to listen, but he gathered enough to know that they were talking about him.
That afternoon, all the fifth years congregated in the Great Hall to hear a few lectures on their upcoming O.W.L.s. Remus was annoyed that he couldn't seem to focus on the speeches; he knew this information was important, but he couldn't get his mind to sit still. His eyes kept darting toward Jesse, who was sitting nearby, and when he wasn't angry at her, he was suppressing the wolf's urges in this mass of people. Sirius gave him numerous odd looks, and he knew his eyes were flashing yellow from time to time.
After the lectures, the students had half an hour of free time before dinner. Remus immediately retired to the dorm room. He turned the ivory pocketknife over in his hand and tested the blade against the tips of his fingers. It was sharp as ever; he wondered if it had been charmed to stay that way.
Just as dinner was to be served, Remus stepped into his shoes and made his way downstairs. As much as he wanted to avoid all people at the moment, he knew he couldn't go through the transformation on an empty stomach.
The Great Hall was decorated in orange, brown, yellow, and dark red when Remus walked in. At first he didn't notice anything; then he realized all the students were whispering excitedly, and he looked up from the floor. Streamers of autumn leaves hung across the ceiling, cornucopias the size of small cars adorned the corners, and dried corn lay in bunches in baskets along the walls.
Remus looked around in awe. A memory threatened to surface in his mind, but he pushed it back and made his way to his usual spot at the Gryffindor table. His friends were already there; he squeezed in between Peter and James and stared at the food that had just appeared before him: a large turkey sat in the middle of the table every six feet or so; bowls of different types of cranberry sauce reflected light from the usual floating candles; platters lined with sliced honey ham stood between the turkeys; bowls of bread stuffing and vegetable stuffing sat by the ham; and myriad other foods, some of which were unfamiliar to the students, adorned the tables. Grouped together for dessert were pumpkin pies, whipped cream, cookies of all types and shapes and sizes, and various covered fruit pies. The Marauders gawked at it all, trying to identify the various dishes they'd never seen before.
Suddenly, Jesse was there, sitting between Sirius and Lily.
"Eat up!" she said happily, digging out a large spoonful of stuffing and plopping it onto her plate. She stuck a serving fork into the turkey and watched happily as it carved out a piece for her. She added this to her plate, plus mashed potatoes covered in melted cheese, and smothered it all in thick brown gravy. Green beans, toasted pine nuts, cranberry sauce by the spoonful, all of these joined the growing mound on her plate. She looked around at her confused companions.
"It's not poisonous, I promise," she said warily. Sirius turned to her, the only one willing to voice the question on everyone's mind.
"What is all this for?" he asked bluntly. Jesse stared at him, stuffing loaded onto her fork. She set the fork down and looked around.
"You mean Professor Dumbledore didn't explain it?" They all shook their heads except Remus; he knew exactly what was going on. Jesse laughed heartily. "It's Thanksgiving!" she cried joyously. "We celebrate it in America. It's all about the pilgrims giving thanks to the Indians for their help. It's kind of a hypocritical holiday, because of the truth behind the real first Thanksgiving, but we all love it anyway." The Marauders and Lily exchanged glances; Remus stared glumly at his plate.
"So...why are we celebrating it here?" James asked. Jesse shrugged.
"Dumbledore thought it was a good idea-kind of a cultural thing." She looked around. "You don't have to celebrate it to eat," she said slowly. "Dig in!" Everyone exchanged glances again. All over the Great Hall, people were beginning to ignore the strangeness of the meal and simply eat it. Sirius shrugged and took a huge spoonful of potatoes.
"Hey, I know what these are!" he said loudly after he'd shoveled a large forkful into his mouth. Everyone who heard him laughed, and suddenly the tension was broken. The students realized the food wasn't really very strange, and besides-it tasted great. Jesse relaxed when she saw everyone start to eat; she'd been worried there for a while.
Remus took a small amount of food at first but, upon realizing how hungry he actually was, he threw pride to the wind and took great heaping piles of everything within reach. Jesse watched him out of the corner of her eye, a smile playing around her mouth. She'd hoped the meal would help him think more highly of her; she didn't know why he hated her so, but she hoped that bringing up happy childhood memories would make him feel better-and maybe he'd be more willing to talk to her tonight, after the meal.
At the end of dinner, Dumbledore remembered to tell his students what the occasion had been; they all thought it a bit strange that so much work had been put into an American holiday, but they were too full and sleepy to care a whole lot. The four houses made their separate ways to their dorms and collapsed into bed, full of the rich foods.
Remus passed Madame Pomfrey on the way to the Gryffindor tower. She was obviously very full and looked as if she wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a year. He was in a good mood, so he told her he could make it to the shack on his own. If need be, a friend could escort him. The nurse was too tired to object, so Remus went up to the common room to relax a bit, knowing he wouldn't need to be in the shack for another hour at least.
The common room was filled with a pleasant kind of drone; students were talking quietly as they sat by the fire or made their way up to the dorms. The Marauders and Lily and Jesse spread out on the floor by the fire, talking lazily or simply enjoying the feeling of a comfortable Friday night. One by one, they trickled off to bed until only Remus and Jesse were left by the fire.
Jesse knew it was now or never. If she didn't talk to Remus when he was in a fairly good mood, she'd never get him to listen to her.
"Remus," she began, but stopped when he sat up suddenly. He looked wildly around, but there was no one else in the room.
"Sirius!" he called hoarsely. "James!" He clutched his throat and emitted a low whine. Eyes wide, he stumbled toward the portrait hole, still whining and growling. Jesse watched him, speechless. Finally as he began clawing his way through the portrait hole, she found her voice.
"SIRIUS!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. In seconds, all three boys were at the top of the spiral staircase. Speechless again, Jesse pointed to Remus, who had sprouted claws at the ends of his fingers. Lily came running down just as the Marauders went to help Remus. They shoved hard, trying to get him through the portrait hole, but he dug in with his claws and growled savagely.
"He doesn't understand," James said through gritted teeth. "We've got to stupefy him somehow!" All three boys drew their wands and uttered the spell, but Remus absorbed the beams of light and remained alert.
"Werewolves are like giants that way, I guess," Sirius said grimly as Remus tried to howl. His mouth was changing shape as they watched. His yellow eyes took in everyone in the room, his wolf's nostrils flared as he tried to identify them...
Suddenly, he launched himself at James. The transformation was nearly complete now, and a snarl burst from the throat of the wolf as he realized he was among a group of humans. James watched, frozen stiff, as the wolf hurled itself at him. Then he was on him, tearing and ripping with his teeth and claws. James tried to kick him off, but his legs were trapped under the wolf's large weight.
There was a pop and suddenly a white stag lay under the wolf instead of James. The wolf looked very confused for a moment, then turned to the next closest person: Lily. She gasped and backed away, the wolf fixing his yellow eyes on her face. He tensed for the spring, but never got off the ground.
"SIRIUS, NO!" yelled Peter-but too late. A poker from the fireplace came crashing down on the bridge of the wolf's nose. He yelped loudly and crumpled to the ground, his muzzle a mess of blood and cartilage.
James changed back to human and crouched down by his friend to feel his furry neck. "There's a pulse," he announced. "But we've got to get him to Madame Pomfrey." Sirius, rather pale after what he'd just done to his own friend, nodded and picked up the wolf's hind legs. James grabbed his front legs and Peter led the way out of the portrait hole, wand at the ready should the wolf stir before they made it to the hospital wing.
"Wait!" Lily called as they dragged him through. She ran up to the boys' dorm, then came rocketing down a moment later with James' invisibility cloak in her hand. "In case you run into any students," she explained, throwing the cloak over the unconscious wolf. The boys nodded their thanks and set out for the hospital wing at a run.
Jesse was sitting on the couch by the fire when, two days later, Remus came back from the hospital wing. Sirius had hit him hard enough to knock out the much stronger wolf, and had therefore kept Remus out for a good long time. The bridge of his nose was horribly bruised, the only remnant of the injury.
So, when Remus finally convinced Madame Pomfrey that he was fine enough to get back to his regular life, he wasn't particularly excited that the first person he saw upon returning was Jesse Philbin.
She stood up as he walked in. Not caring about whether she bothered him or not, she stopped him at the portrait hole, pinning him against the wall with her intense glare.
"Why didn't you tell me you were a werewolf?" she asked angrily. Remus took a step back into a solid wall.
"Why didn't I-what?" he repeated, confused.
"You heard what I said! Why have you been keeping this from me?"
"I haven't been keeping anything from you!" he declared, feeling his temper rising. This was not the welcome back he'd hoped for. The bridge of his nose began to throb. Jesse opened her mouth to retort, but Remus wasn't in the mood to listen to her. Not thinking, just acting on his anger, he reared back his hand and punched her full in the mouth.
Jesse stumbled back, holding her hand to her lip, which was swelling and bleeding. Fear clouded her eyes and, before Remus could apologize, she turned and ran to the girls' dormitories.
Feeling absolutely horrible, Remus trudged up the stairs to his own room. It was empty, thankfully, so he closed the curtains around his bed and reached for the ivory pocketknife. There was a small red-brown stain near the blade; Remus frowned upon seeing it and cleaned it with his wand. He performed a charm on the handle that would repel liquids and opened the blade. He lined up the sharp, shiny edge with a line on his palm and gripped the knife tightly. Remus watched the blood drip down his arm and felt a kind of relaxation spread through him. He fell into a light sleep, clutching his comfort object.
Sirius went to the common room instead of lunch on the day Remus was released from the clutches of Madame Pomfrey. He entered the common room about twenty minutes after Jesse and Remus had left it. Expecting Jesse to be at lunch, he went straight to his own dorm to check on Remus.
The boy was enclosed in his curtains again. Seeing that gave Sirius the chills; the last three times he'd opened Remus' curtains, his friend had been holding that damned knife again. Sirius figured he'd be greeted with the same sight.
And he was, sort of. Every other time, he'd see the handle of the knife sticking out of Remus' hand and would wake him up and take the knife. The cuts were rarely bad; once they weren't even bleeding.
This time, however, the blood was dripping down Remus' arm and onto his sheets. He'd tightened his grip on the blade in his sleep and hadn't noticed the increase in pain. Sirius didn't even bother to wake him up before prying his hand open. It wasn't easy to do because Remus' grip was so tight-and his palm was slippery with blood.
Sirius shuddered and shook his friend awake. Remus woke almost immediately, having been stirred by the attempts to open his hand, and looked around for a moment before gathering his surroundings.
"Hey, Padfoot!" he said sleepily. "Good to see you again." He held out his left hand to shake, but Sirius ignored it.
"Remus, open your hand," he commanded firmly, indicating the one clenching the knife. He did so, and the knife slid to the floor. Sirius kicked it angrily under the bed.
"Hey, watch what you're doing with my shit!" Remus yelled, suddenly wide awake and angry. His nose was throbbing again. Sirius gripped his friend's arm tightly and held up his bleeding right hand.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" he hissed, showing Remus his own bleeding palm. Remus stared at it for a moment.
"Because it feels good." The answer was so soft, Sirius wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.
"How can pain ever feel good?!" he yelled. Remus shrugged, staring at his palm. The cut was perfectly lined up on top of on of the lines on his palm. It was straight and clean and red, and leaking ruby tears. Remus thought it was beautiful. Sirius tightened his grip on Remus' wrist, pressing down hard with his fingers. "Does that feel good?"
"No." Sirius released his wrist; there were white marks where his fingers had been. He fished around under the bed until he found the knife. Before Remus knew what was going on, Sirius had opened the window and chucked the ivory-handled pocketknife as far as he could across the grounds.
Remus jumped to his feet, anger plain on his face.
"What in hell was that for?" he yelled, pointing out the window. Sirius set his jaw, determined not to let his friend's fury make him regret the decision.
"You don't deserve to own something if you can't be responsible about how you use it," Sirius said calmly, feeling awful about the words; he felt like an over-protective mother. But the blood dripping from his friend's hand was enough to keep him from backing down.
"That belonged to me," Remus said slowly, jaw clenched. For a moment, his eyes blazed yellow. Sirius, shocked that he would see the wolf's presence this long after the full moon, took a step back. Remus sneered, sensing Sirius' uncertainty. "Don't do something rash if you can't take the punishment," he said quietly. He reared a hand back and aimed a punch at Sirius, but the older boy was quicker. He dodged the blow and swiveled so his back was to the door instead of the bed. Remus approached him, anger blazing in his eyes, and Sirius stepped backwards, closer and closer to the door.
He finally reached it and fumbled behind him for the knob. He swung the door open and slammed it shut behind him just as Remus aimed another punch. There was a crunch and a splintering noise, and Remus' hand suddenly appeared through the wooden door.
Sirius stared, dumbfounded, as the fist withdrew from the splintered wood. Suddenly realizing the strength and anger he was up against, he turned and ran for the Great Hall.
Remus drew his hand out of the door, careful not to injure it worse. He spread out his fingers to inspect them and was more than a little surprised to see that he appeared unharmed. He flexed his fingers and pressed his knuckles against the palm of his other hand, but no bruises or scratches brought attention to themselves. He didn't even have a splinter.
Oddly pleased by this indestructibility, Remus went to the window, which was still wide open, and drew his wand.
"Accio pocketknife," he said clearly. In a few moments, he was again holding the smooth ivory handle of his comfort object. Pleased with how easily he'd defeated Sirius, Remus slipped the knife into his pocket and headed out of the room.
"I swear, he punched right through the door!" Sirius told his friends breathlessly at the lunch table. He had a sandwich in one hand and was waving it around wildly as he spoke. Bits of meat and lettuce flew in all directions.
"Why was he so mad?" James wanted to know.
"'Cause I threw his knife out the window," Sirius informed him, taking a drink of juice.
"You what?!" James yelled, standing up suddenly. Everyone stared at him in shock, but he ignored them. "Have you any idea what that thing means to him?" he hissed. Sirius glared at his friend over his glass of pumpkin juice.
"I don't care what it means-I just care that he's been mutilating himself with it!" Lily put a hand to her mouth and gasped. James looked a bit paler. He sat back down.
"He's...what do you mean by that?"
"I mean he's been cutting up his hand with that bloody knife. It got worse today, so I chucked the knife out the window. Then he went berserk on me!" Peter shook his head.
"Maybe you were right in interfering," he said quietly, "but that still belongs to Remus. You can't just toss out things that aren't yours." James and Lily nodded their agreement.
"You need to apologize to Remus, Padfoot," James said seriously. "You don't want to make an enemy out of him right now-he must be under a lot of stress if he snapped that easily."
"It's all his fault he's stressed!" Sirius countered indignantly. "He's still pissed off at Jesse, I can tell, but he won't talk it out with her. She's tried, but he's just being a stubborn dumbass. There's no reason he couldn't at least talk to her, even if he hates her so much." James nodded.
"You're right about that, too, but again-it doesn't mean you should make him mad at you, too." Sirius took a bite of his almost empty sandwich and considered what his friends were telling him.
The forest was cold, but at least it was sheltered from the wind. Remus wrapped his robe tighter about his frame, wishing he'd remembered a cloak. One hand was in his pocket, curled protectively around the ivory-handled knife.
Remus found a flat rock sheltered on three sides by two large trees and a dense growth of bushes. He settled onto it cross-legged and pulled out the knife. It was warm in his palm; he rolled it back and forth and let his mind wander as he looked around the forest. Everything was rather dark; the day was overcast, the sun blotted out by dark rain clouds. There was a kind of silence, like the quiet that comes with a white-out. Remus leaned his back against a tree and rubbed his thumb up and down the ivory handle. His other fingers ran along the dull, harmless edge of the blade where it was folded into the handle. Thinking only briefly of what Sirius would say, Remus flipped open the knife.
The blade was covered in dried blood. Remus drew his wand and meticulously cleaned it, angry at Sirius again for almost allowing the blade to rust. When the metal was shiny and clean again, Remus put his wand away and began running his finger up and down the flat side of the blade. It was so sharp, so inviting... He turned the knife over in his hand and placed the tip to his palm.
But Sirius' face floated to the front of Remus' mind. He saw again the look in his friend's eyes when he saw blood dripping onto the sheets. He heard his voice chiding him, a note of concern all but hidden behind the anger. The point rested harmlessly against Remus' palm, two centimeters below the cut from earlier that day. He couldn't make the cut.
A sudden noise to Remus' left startled him. His hand slipped and the metal penetrated his skin for the second time that day. A line of ruby red tears welled up on Remus' palm, threatening to spill over. He squeezed his palm into a fist and watched a few drops of blood fall onto the pine needles.
"Does it hurt?" someone asked quietly. Remus spun on the rock to see Alyssa Mant standing next to him. She crouched on the ground near the rock, staring fixedly at his blood-stained hand.
"Yes," he replied, feeling his heart speed up and catch in his throat. He hadn't seen the Ravenclaw in almost a week, and had nearly forgotten how it felt to be around her. She flipped her blonde hair behind her shoulder.
"Why do you do it?" Remus hesitated. The first time, it had been an accident. He hadn't meant to cut himself, he'd just fallen asleep. After that...
"It's relaxing," he told her. "It just...feels good." Alyssa looked perplexed for a moment, then smiled. Remus was amazed at how much prettier she looked when she smiled.
"Could I see your knife? It's a pretty one," she commented, pointing at the ivory-handled pocketknife. Remus hesitated, then shrugged.
"Yeah, okay." He started to wipe the blood off, but she took it from him before he had the chance. Alyssa ran her finger along the edge, seeming to test the sharpness. Her finger came away with a small, thin line of blood on it. She laughed lightly and handed the knife back.
"What do you say we take a walk?" she suggested, standing up and rubbing her cold hands together. Remus looked up at her, bewildered.
"S-seriously?" She shrugged.
"If you don't want to, it's no problem," she said nonchalantly.
"No! No, that sounds good." Remus wiped the blade on his robes, suddenly feeling stupid about his pitiful act of self-mutilation. It hardly compared to what some people did to themselves; he was probably too cowardly to really cut something badly. And now Alyssa Mant knew about his strange habit.
The two walked through the forest, keeping close to the edge of the trees. They made their way out to the lake and wandered onto its shore. Alyssa began skipping stones across the dark water; the monster in its depths stirred, but the girl didn't seem to care. Remus considered mentioning something to her, but that would appear cowardly.
"Y'know, my brother used to cut himself," Alyssa said casually. Remus glanced at her furtively, but she didn't appear to be upset. "He has scars all up his arm from it. I think he likes the scars, 'cause he could've gotten rid of them pretty easily." She laughed lightly. "He was a healer, believe it or not." Remus smiled, but he didn't see what was particularly funny.
The two walked a little farther along the shore, then sat down at the edge of the water. Alyssa trailed her hand in the water, then placed her fingers to her cheek. She repeated the motion but touched Remus' cheek instead. The water was so cold it stung his cheek.
"That's another form of mutilation," she said knowledgeably, taking her fingers away and shaking them dry. "Hot and cold. My brother tried burning once, but he didn't like the smell." Remus turned away, beginning to feel a bit sick. "I don't know anyone who uses ice or cold water, but I know it exists." She smiled. "Salt and ice-that freezes the top layer of skin, from what I've heard. It'd be kind of fun to have frozen skin, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah," Remus said quietly, not looking at her. He couldn't imagine why a girl like this would know about such dreadful things. Alyssa suddenly pulled up her robes, revealing a pale calf. Her shin was covered with scars, some of them spelling things. There was a heart drawn jerkily into the skin just above her ankle bone. Remus felt a wave of shock, as if he'd been knocked backwards into the frigid lake.
"I did this when I was twelve," Alyssa told him, something almost like pride in her voice. "School was really hard that year, and I thought I was gonna fail. I cut myself by accident first, then liked it and did it again." She shrugged. "It became almost an obsession for a while."
She revealed her other calf. There was a series of small, circular burns surrounding her ankle, for all the world like a piece of bizarre jewelry. "This was last year. More for fun than for stress," Alyssa explained. Remus nodded, at a loss for words. Why was she doing this? A sudden thought hit him, made him furious.
"Did Sirius send you here?" Remus asked in a low voice. Alyssa looked up from her burns.
"Who? Oh, Sirius Black. No, I haven't seen him today. Why?" She frowned, inspecting a slightly misshapen burn right on the ankle bone. Remus relaxed a bit. So she had come of her own accord. Had she noticed his cuts and realized what he was doing, then sought him out to have this discussion?
The wind picked up as time wore on. Remus watched the bleak sky, hoping the storm clouds would blow past before they could open up on the school. He sensed Alyssa watching him and turned to meet her eyes. She was staring at him with a strange look on her face. He blushed and turned away.
"I should probably get back to the school," he said quietly, standing up from the shore. Alyssa caught his hand with hers. Her palm was warm and soft.
"You're hands are cold," she observed, turning over the cut hand and inspecting the broken skin.
"I'm...sorry?" Remus said hesitantly when she did not continue. Alyssa laughed.
"No, no. I was just noticing." She winked. "'Cause you know what they say-cold hands, warm heart." Remus blushed furiously. Alyssa pulled him down to sit next to her on the shore. "Don't go back just yet," she implored quietly. "It gets awfully lonely out here sometimes.
"Do-do you come out here a lot?" Remus asked, still conscious of the red rising in his cheeks. Alyssa was still holding his hand in both of hers, staring at the cuts on it as if she could derive some sort of meaning from it.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a nod. "All the time. It's my place to think." She laughed. "Unfortunately, it happens to get very cold most of the year, so I often have to sit in my room and pretend I'm out here instead." She sighed and looked across the lake. Remus followed her gaze, but saw nothing of interest. When he looked back, she was staring at him again. He wasn't sure he liked the strange look in her eyes. Her fingers worked his, rubbing them almost as he rubbed the ivory handle of the knife. Just thinking about it made him want to hold the knife again... He closed his eyes and imagined having it, cool and smooth and heavy, in his palm...
Something warm pressed against his lips. His eyes flew open and he found himself looking at the bridge of Alyssa's nose. She let go of his hand and put her arms around his neck. He would have loved to respond to the action, but he was too surprised to move. Alyssa let him go almost immediately, looking disconsolate.
"Was that wrong?" she asked quietly. "I don't know why I did it-just thought it would be nice I guess." Remus struggled for words as the realization hit him: he'd just been kissed by the girl he'd had a crush on for most of the school year so far. Adrenaline began to pump through his frozen veins. Without thinking, he reached forward and cupped his hands around Alyssa's face. She tilted her head just so and closed her eyes. Remus brought his lips close to hers and closed his eyes, breathing her scent. He brushed his lips against hers briefly, teasing himself and her. Alyssa laughed lightly and put her hands in his hair.
"Enough of that," she whispered before closing the distance between them once and for all.
Sirius sat on the edge of his bed, tapping his leg nervously. James watched him from his own bed, amused; Padfoot had never been good at apologies-it meant he was admitting he was wrong.
"Where is he?" Sirius grumbled for the fifth time as he stood and crossed the room to the door. He peered down into the common room, but Remus wasn't among the students there. Making an exasperated noise low in his throat, he paced to the window and pressed his forehead against the glass. His breath fogged up the pane and he turned away in annoyance. He perched on the edge of his bed again, incessantly shaking his leg. James stared around the room.
"What are you going to say when he gets here?" he asked the nervous teenager. Sirius shrugged.
"It'll come to me," he muttered. He hoped.
The door creaked as it was pushed open. Sirius stood up expectantly, but it was Peter who walked through the door. Sirius glared at him and sat down on the bed again.
"What did I do now?" Peter asked indignantly. James laughed and briefly explained what was going on.
"You'll be waiting here a nice long time, then, Padfoot," he assured his friend as he sat on his own bed.
"Why d'you say that?" Sirius asked with a glare.
"I just saw Remus wandering around the grounds with Alyssa Mant." Sirius' jaw dropped.
"Seriously?"
"Sirius-ly." Sirius shot him a warning look and walked to the window again.
"This is no time to be making jokes. If our Moony has finally got up the guts to talk to girls...this could be huge! We may have a ladies' man on our hands, yet!" He grinned happily and stretched out on his bed again. "And now I don't have to worry about what he's up to-he's not going to be cutting himself while he's on a date!" James cleared his throat.
"That's not necessarily true, in this case," he said slowly. "Alyssa and her brother both have a history of self-mutilation. It's a little more than creepy to see what she's done to herself over the years." Sirius sat straight up in bed.
"What?!" he yelled. He glared at the foggy window. "Well, this just ices the cake," he muttered.
"Hey, don't freak out yet. For all we know, she'll hide her scars from him. Or, he'll see how creepy she looks with her legs all chopped up and will realize the seriousness of what he's doing to himself." Sirius nodded but didn't lie down again.
An hour later, James got changed for bed and crawled under the covers. Peter followed suit, but Sirius remained sitting up, waiting for Remus.
Shortly after midnight, Remus crept into the room, holding his shoes to minimize the noise he made. Sirius allowed him to get dressed and pull back the covers before he spoke.
"You're back late," Sirius commented. Remus jumped a foot in the air and whirled around.
"Don't do that!" he hissed.
"Sorry," he said genuinely. It was no use annoying Moony before he even brought up the apology. Remus gave him a strange look.
"Alright." He crawled under the covers and stared up at the ceiling.
"I owe you an apology," Sirius said quietly. Remus looked at him warily.
"This is new... What for?"
"For losing my temper with you earlier." The result of Remus' lost temper, the hole in the door, had been repaired by James. Sirius thought it best not to mention that. "I had no right to handle your things that way. I'm sorry." There was silence for a moment.
"Okay." Sirius pushed his breath out through his teeth. He knew the apology hadn't been enough. An idea hit him suddenly.
"Hey, how about this?" he offered, standing up and crossing to the window. He opened it a crack, shivering in the chilly winter air. "Accio pocketknife!" he said softly, pointing his wand out the window. Something hit him hard in the back of the head. "Ouch! What the-" He leaned over and picked up the ivory-handled knife. "Why did it come from over there?" he asked, sure he already knew the answer.
"I-I got it as soon as you left," Remus admitted. "I didn't want it to rust." Sirius felt his temper rise, but squelched it immediately. Forcing a smile, he handed back the knife.
"That makes sense I suppose," he acknowledged. "I need to talk to you about that knife, Remus," Sirius added suddenly. Moony turned his head to face the wall. "I don't want you cutting yourself anymore," he continued without waiting for a response. "It scares me-it scares all of us. I want- " He swallowed nervously, knowing what he was about to say could set Remus off again. "I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore."
Moony, to Sirius' relief, didn't blow up. He lay still for a while, then turned to look up and his friend.
"Alright, I promise," he said seriously. Sirius let his breath out in a rush.
"Thanks, Moony. You have no idea what that means to me." He turned and got ready for bed himself. Lying awake in bed, James couldn't suppress a proud smile.
Chapter Three
Tears of Blood
Sirius stopped short at the bottom of the stairs and watched his friend. Remus was sitting perfectly still, spread out in an armchair before the fire. The flames had long since died, but the coals glowed orange with inner heat. For a moment, Sirius thought he saw the same heat in his friend: his nostrils flared once and his eyes began to burn with an anger so intense it scared Sirius into looking away. He saw the object of Remus' fury: Jesse was making her way slowly down the spiral staircase into the common room. Moony could probably smell her, as it was the day of the full moon.
Sirius sighed and stepped forward. He gently shook Remus out of his reverie.
"If you want to make it to class on time, you'd better go get changed now," he said quietly. Remus stared at him for a moment as if he didn't understand, then seemed to wake up completely.
"Oh, right," he said suddenly, hopping out of his seat and running upstairs to take a shower and change. Sirius and James watched him go, then exchanged a glance.
"You think he was down here all night?" Sirius asked.
"I don't doubt it." Peter nodded his agreement.
"He does this a lot before the full moon," Peter assured his friend.
"Yeah, and you always worry about him when he does," James added with a grin. Sirius glared at him.
"Well, someone's got to. We all forgot to bring him dinner last night-this means he hasn't eaten hardly anything since day before yesterday. I'm not the one who's gonna keep him off Peter tonight," he pointed out with a meaningful look at the boy. James laid a hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"Never fear, my friend. We will fatten up the wolf during the day," he promised, grinning. Peter shot him a look and gestured across the room, where Jesse was making her way over.
"Good morning," she said jovially. The three returned her greeting, then hailed Lily, who was looking for them from the staircase. She made her way through the crowded common room. By the time she was standing among her friends, Remus was running downstairs again, running a hand through his wet hair and straightening his robes.
"Alright, I'm ready," he said distractedly, flashing them a grin. "I feel lots better now, but I'm starv-" He stopped short when he saw Jesse. She was looking up at him hopefully, praying that he wouldn't be rude to her again in front of everyone. Her prayers came true, to some extent. "Good morning," he said coldly, continuing down the last few steps more slowly. Sirius shot James a meaningful look.
"Shall we on to breakfast, then?" James offered quickly. "If we don't get there soon there'll be nowhere to sit." Everyone agreed fervently, glad to break the tension, and the group crawled through the portrait hole and made their way through the crowds destined for the Great Hall.
Breakfast was the usual; Sirius and Remus ate ravenously, James read the newspaper as he munched on toast, Lily chided everyone on their manners, and Peter stayed out of everyone's way, content to listen to the bantering. Jesse found that she was content to be silent, also; whenever she spoke, Remus grew very tense, and she didn't have much worth saying anyway. So she sat, ate, and listened.
They all went to their first class together: Charms. Professor Flitwick was teaching them all the different ways to create light with the wand. Besides the usual lumos charm, there were at least seven others to create different kinds of light. Sirius and James got a kick out of the soft, red light that came from the illuminado charm. Sirius noticed that the brightest light, which came out of the wand in a straight beam, made Remus' eyes light up yellow. He didn't mention it to the others; it creeped him out a bit.
Remus left the others to go to Divination while they went to their own elective classes. He couldn't believe his luck when he saw Jesse Philbin sitting at the table next to his. She was settled uncertainly on a soft pouf. He was glad when he could sit down in an armchair with his back to her.
Divination was boring that day; they read tea leaves with different types of tea, sometimes mixing them. Remus found nothing he didn't already know, and his partner, a Hufflepuff girl, felt the same way. She made a comment that Remus would normally have found funny, but he was in too strange of a mood to laugh. He forced a chuckle to keep from hurting her feelings, but was sure it didn't sound convincing.
At lunch that day, Jesse sat next to Lily and talked quietly with her about her tea leaves. Remus was sitting across the table and three people down, but his sensitive wolf ears picked up every other word. He tried not to listen, but he gathered enough to know that they were talking about him.
That afternoon, all the fifth years congregated in the Great Hall to hear a few lectures on their upcoming O.W.L.s. Remus was annoyed that he couldn't seem to focus on the speeches; he knew this information was important, but he couldn't get his mind to sit still. His eyes kept darting toward Jesse, who was sitting nearby, and when he wasn't angry at her, he was suppressing the wolf's urges in this mass of people. Sirius gave him numerous odd looks, and he knew his eyes were flashing yellow from time to time.
After the lectures, the students had half an hour of free time before dinner. Remus immediately retired to the dorm room. He turned the ivory pocketknife over in his hand and tested the blade against the tips of his fingers. It was sharp as ever; he wondered if it had been charmed to stay that way.
Just as dinner was to be served, Remus stepped into his shoes and made his way downstairs. As much as he wanted to avoid all people at the moment, he knew he couldn't go through the transformation on an empty stomach.
The Great Hall was decorated in orange, brown, yellow, and dark red when Remus walked in. At first he didn't notice anything; then he realized all the students were whispering excitedly, and he looked up from the floor. Streamers of autumn leaves hung across the ceiling, cornucopias the size of small cars adorned the corners, and dried corn lay in bunches in baskets along the walls.
Remus looked around in awe. A memory threatened to surface in his mind, but he pushed it back and made his way to his usual spot at the Gryffindor table. His friends were already there; he squeezed in between Peter and James and stared at the food that had just appeared before him: a large turkey sat in the middle of the table every six feet or so; bowls of different types of cranberry sauce reflected light from the usual floating candles; platters lined with sliced honey ham stood between the turkeys; bowls of bread stuffing and vegetable stuffing sat by the ham; and myriad other foods, some of which were unfamiliar to the students, adorned the tables. Grouped together for dessert were pumpkin pies, whipped cream, cookies of all types and shapes and sizes, and various covered fruit pies. The Marauders gawked at it all, trying to identify the various dishes they'd never seen before.
Suddenly, Jesse was there, sitting between Sirius and Lily.
"Eat up!" she said happily, digging out a large spoonful of stuffing and plopping it onto her plate. She stuck a serving fork into the turkey and watched happily as it carved out a piece for her. She added this to her plate, plus mashed potatoes covered in melted cheese, and smothered it all in thick brown gravy. Green beans, toasted pine nuts, cranberry sauce by the spoonful, all of these joined the growing mound on her plate. She looked around at her confused companions.
"It's not poisonous, I promise," she said warily. Sirius turned to her, the only one willing to voice the question on everyone's mind.
"What is all this for?" he asked bluntly. Jesse stared at him, stuffing loaded onto her fork. She set the fork down and looked around.
"You mean Professor Dumbledore didn't explain it?" They all shook their heads except Remus; he knew exactly what was going on. Jesse laughed heartily. "It's Thanksgiving!" she cried joyously. "We celebrate it in America. It's all about the pilgrims giving thanks to the Indians for their help. It's kind of a hypocritical holiday, because of the truth behind the real first Thanksgiving, but we all love it anyway." The Marauders and Lily exchanged glances; Remus stared glumly at his plate.
"So...why are we celebrating it here?" James asked. Jesse shrugged.
"Dumbledore thought it was a good idea-kind of a cultural thing." She looked around. "You don't have to celebrate it to eat," she said slowly. "Dig in!" Everyone exchanged glances again. All over the Great Hall, people were beginning to ignore the strangeness of the meal and simply eat it. Sirius shrugged and took a huge spoonful of potatoes.
"Hey, I know what these are!" he said loudly after he'd shoveled a large forkful into his mouth. Everyone who heard him laughed, and suddenly the tension was broken. The students realized the food wasn't really very strange, and besides-it tasted great. Jesse relaxed when she saw everyone start to eat; she'd been worried there for a while.
Remus took a small amount of food at first but, upon realizing how hungry he actually was, he threw pride to the wind and took great heaping piles of everything within reach. Jesse watched him out of the corner of her eye, a smile playing around her mouth. She'd hoped the meal would help him think more highly of her; she didn't know why he hated her so, but she hoped that bringing up happy childhood memories would make him feel better-and maybe he'd be more willing to talk to her tonight, after the meal.
At the end of dinner, Dumbledore remembered to tell his students what the occasion had been; they all thought it a bit strange that so much work had been put into an American holiday, but they were too full and sleepy to care a whole lot. The four houses made their separate ways to their dorms and collapsed into bed, full of the rich foods.
Remus passed Madame Pomfrey on the way to the Gryffindor tower. She was obviously very full and looked as if she wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a year. He was in a good mood, so he told her he could make it to the shack on his own. If need be, a friend could escort him. The nurse was too tired to object, so Remus went up to the common room to relax a bit, knowing he wouldn't need to be in the shack for another hour at least.
The common room was filled with a pleasant kind of drone; students were talking quietly as they sat by the fire or made their way up to the dorms. The Marauders and Lily and Jesse spread out on the floor by the fire, talking lazily or simply enjoying the feeling of a comfortable Friday night. One by one, they trickled off to bed until only Remus and Jesse were left by the fire.
Jesse knew it was now or never. If she didn't talk to Remus when he was in a fairly good mood, she'd never get him to listen to her.
"Remus," she began, but stopped when he sat up suddenly. He looked wildly around, but there was no one else in the room.
"Sirius!" he called hoarsely. "James!" He clutched his throat and emitted a low whine. Eyes wide, he stumbled toward the portrait hole, still whining and growling. Jesse watched him, speechless. Finally as he began clawing his way through the portrait hole, she found her voice.
"SIRIUS!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. In seconds, all three boys were at the top of the spiral staircase. Speechless again, Jesse pointed to Remus, who had sprouted claws at the ends of his fingers. Lily came running down just as the Marauders went to help Remus. They shoved hard, trying to get him through the portrait hole, but he dug in with his claws and growled savagely.
"He doesn't understand," James said through gritted teeth. "We've got to stupefy him somehow!" All three boys drew their wands and uttered the spell, but Remus absorbed the beams of light and remained alert.
"Werewolves are like giants that way, I guess," Sirius said grimly as Remus tried to howl. His mouth was changing shape as they watched. His yellow eyes took in everyone in the room, his wolf's nostrils flared as he tried to identify them...
Suddenly, he launched himself at James. The transformation was nearly complete now, and a snarl burst from the throat of the wolf as he realized he was among a group of humans. James watched, frozen stiff, as the wolf hurled itself at him. Then he was on him, tearing and ripping with his teeth and claws. James tried to kick him off, but his legs were trapped under the wolf's large weight.
There was a pop and suddenly a white stag lay under the wolf instead of James. The wolf looked very confused for a moment, then turned to the next closest person: Lily. She gasped and backed away, the wolf fixing his yellow eyes on her face. He tensed for the spring, but never got off the ground.
"SIRIUS, NO!" yelled Peter-but too late. A poker from the fireplace came crashing down on the bridge of the wolf's nose. He yelped loudly and crumpled to the ground, his muzzle a mess of blood and cartilage.
James changed back to human and crouched down by his friend to feel his furry neck. "There's a pulse," he announced. "But we've got to get him to Madame Pomfrey." Sirius, rather pale after what he'd just done to his own friend, nodded and picked up the wolf's hind legs. James grabbed his front legs and Peter led the way out of the portrait hole, wand at the ready should the wolf stir before they made it to the hospital wing.
"Wait!" Lily called as they dragged him through. She ran up to the boys' dorm, then came rocketing down a moment later with James' invisibility cloak in her hand. "In case you run into any students," she explained, throwing the cloak over the unconscious wolf. The boys nodded their thanks and set out for the hospital wing at a run.
Jesse was sitting on the couch by the fire when, two days later, Remus came back from the hospital wing. Sirius had hit him hard enough to knock out the much stronger wolf, and had therefore kept Remus out for a good long time. The bridge of his nose was horribly bruised, the only remnant of the injury.
So, when Remus finally convinced Madame Pomfrey that he was fine enough to get back to his regular life, he wasn't particularly excited that the first person he saw upon returning was Jesse Philbin.
She stood up as he walked in. Not caring about whether she bothered him or not, she stopped him at the portrait hole, pinning him against the wall with her intense glare.
"Why didn't you tell me you were a werewolf?" she asked angrily. Remus took a step back into a solid wall.
"Why didn't I-what?" he repeated, confused.
"You heard what I said! Why have you been keeping this from me?"
"I haven't been keeping anything from you!" he declared, feeling his temper rising. This was not the welcome back he'd hoped for. The bridge of his nose began to throb. Jesse opened her mouth to retort, but Remus wasn't in the mood to listen to her. Not thinking, just acting on his anger, he reared back his hand and punched her full in the mouth.
Jesse stumbled back, holding her hand to her lip, which was swelling and bleeding. Fear clouded her eyes and, before Remus could apologize, she turned and ran to the girls' dormitories.
Feeling absolutely horrible, Remus trudged up the stairs to his own room. It was empty, thankfully, so he closed the curtains around his bed and reached for the ivory pocketknife. There was a small red-brown stain near the blade; Remus frowned upon seeing it and cleaned it with his wand. He performed a charm on the handle that would repel liquids and opened the blade. He lined up the sharp, shiny edge with a line on his palm and gripped the knife tightly. Remus watched the blood drip down his arm and felt a kind of relaxation spread through him. He fell into a light sleep, clutching his comfort object.
Sirius went to the common room instead of lunch on the day Remus was released from the clutches of Madame Pomfrey. He entered the common room about twenty minutes after Jesse and Remus had left it. Expecting Jesse to be at lunch, he went straight to his own dorm to check on Remus.
The boy was enclosed in his curtains again. Seeing that gave Sirius the chills; the last three times he'd opened Remus' curtains, his friend had been holding that damned knife again. Sirius figured he'd be greeted with the same sight.
And he was, sort of. Every other time, he'd see the handle of the knife sticking out of Remus' hand and would wake him up and take the knife. The cuts were rarely bad; once they weren't even bleeding.
This time, however, the blood was dripping down Remus' arm and onto his sheets. He'd tightened his grip on the blade in his sleep and hadn't noticed the increase in pain. Sirius didn't even bother to wake him up before prying his hand open. It wasn't easy to do because Remus' grip was so tight-and his palm was slippery with blood.
Sirius shuddered and shook his friend awake. Remus woke almost immediately, having been stirred by the attempts to open his hand, and looked around for a moment before gathering his surroundings.
"Hey, Padfoot!" he said sleepily. "Good to see you again." He held out his left hand to shake, but Sirius ignored it.
"Remus, open your hand," he commanded firmly, indicating the one clenching the knife. He did so, and the knife slid to the floor. Sirius kicked it angrily under the bed.
"Hey, watch what you're doing with my shit!" Remus yelled, suddenly wide awake and angry. His nose was throbbing again. Sirius gripped his friend's arm tightly and held up his bleeding right hand.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" he hissed, showing Remus his own bleeding palm. Remus stared at it for a moment.
"Because it feels good." The answer was so soft, Sirius wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.
"How can pain ever feel good?!" he yelled. Remus shrugged, staring at his palm. The cut was perfectly lined up on top of on of the lines on his palm. It was straight and clean and red, and leaking ruby tears. Remus thought it was beautiful. Sirius tightened his grip on Remus' wrist, pressing down hard with his fingers. "Does that feel good?"
"No." Sirius released his wrist; there were white marks where his fingers had been. He fished around under the bed until he found the knife. Before Remus knew what was going on, Sirius had opened the window and chucked the ivory-handled pocketknife as far as he could across the grounds.
Remus jumped to his feet, anger plain on his face.
"What in hell was that for?" he yelled, pointing out the window. Sirius set his jaw, determined not to let his friend's fury make him regret the decision.
"You don't deserve to own something if you can't be responsible about how you use it," Sirius said calmly, feeling awful about the words; he felt like an over-protective mother. But the blood dripping from his friend's hand was enough to keep him from backing down.
"That belonged to me," Remus said slowly, jaw clenched. For a moment, his eyes blazed yellow. Sirius, shocked that he would see the wolf's presence this long after the full moon, took a step back. Remus sneered, sensing Sirius' uncertainty. "Don't do something rash if you can't take the punishment," he said quietly. He reared a hand back and aimed a punch at Sirius, but the older boy was quicker. He dodged the blow and swiveled so his back was to the door instead of the bed. Remus approached him, anger blazing in his eyes, and Sirius stepped backwards, closer and closer to the door.
He finally reached it and fumbled behind him for the knob. He swung the door open and slammed it shut behind him just as Remus aimed another punch. There was a crunch and a splintering noise, and Remus' hand suddenly appeared through the wooden door.
Sirius stared, dumbfounded, as the fist withdrew from the splintered wood. Suddenly realizing the strength and anger he was up against, he turned and ran for the Great Hall.
Remus drew his hand out of the door, careful not to injure it worse. He spread out his fingers to inspect them and was more than a little surprised to see that he appeared unharmed. He flexed his fingers and pressed his knuckles against the palm of his other hand, but no bruises or scratches brought attention to themselves. He didn't even have a splinter.
Oddly pleased by this indestructibility, Remus went to the window, which was still wide open, and drew his wand.
"Accio pocketknife," he said clearly. In a few moments, he was again holding the smooth ivory handle of his comfort object. Pleased with how easily he'd defeated Sirius, Remus slipped the knife into his pocket and headed out of the room.
"I swear, he punched right through the door!" Sirius told his friends breathlessly at the lunch table. He had a sandwich in one hand and was waving it around wildly as he spoke. Bits of meat and lettuce flew in all directions.
"Why was he so mad?" James wanted to know.
"'Cause I threw his knife out the window," Sirius informed him, taking a drink of juice.
"You what?!" James yelled, standing up suddenly. Everyone stared at him in shock, but he ignored them. "Have you any idea what that thing means to him?" he hissed. Sirius glared at his friend over his glass of pumpkin juice.
"I don't care what it means-I just care that he's been mutilating himself with it!" Lily put a hand to her mouth and gasped. James looked a bit paler. He sat back down.
"He's...what do you mean by that?"
"I mean he's been cutting up his hand with that bloody knife. It got worse today, so I chucked the knife out the window. Then he went berserk on me!" Peter shook his head.
"Maybe you were right in interfering," he said quietly, "but that still belongs to Remus. You can't just toss out things that aren't yours." James and Lily nodded their agreement.
"You need to apologize to Remus, Padfoot," James said seriously. "You don't want to make an enemy out of him right now-he must be under a lot of stress if he snapped that easily."
"It's all his fault he's stressed!" Sirius countered indignantly. "He's still pissed off at Jesse, I can tell, but he won't talk it out with her. She's tried, but he's just being a stubborn dumbass. There's no reason he couldn't at least talk to her, even if he hates her so much." James nodded.
"You're right about that, too, but again-it doesn't mean you should make him mad at you, too." Sirius took a bite of his almost empty sandwich and considered what his friends were telling him.
The forest was cold, but at least it was sheltered from the wind. Remus wrapped his robe tighter about his frame, wishing he'd remembered a cloak. One hand was in his pocket, curled protectively around the ivory-handled knife.
Remus found a flat rock sheltered on three sides by two large trees and a dense growth of bushes. He settled onto it cross-legged and pulled out the knife. It was warm in his palm; he rolled it back and forth and let his mind wander as he looked around the forest. Everything was rather dark; the day was overcast, the sun blotted out by dark rain clouds. There was a kind of silence, like the quiet that comes with a white-out. Remus leaned his back against a tree and rubbed his thumb up and down the ivory handle. His other fingers ran along the dull, harmless edge of the blade where it was folded into the handle. Thinking only briefly of what Sirius would say, Remus flipped open the knife.
The blade was covered in dried blood. Remus drew his wand and meticulously cleaned it, angry at Sirius again for almost allowing the blade to rust. When the metal was shiny and clean again, Remus put his wand away and began running his finger up and down the flat side of the blade. It was so sharp, so inviting... He turned the knife over in his hand and placed the tip to his palm.
But Sirius' face floated to the front of Remus' mind. He saw again the look in his friend's eyes when he saw blood dripping onto the sheets. He heard his voice chiding him, a note of concern all but hidden behind the anger. The point rested harmlessly against Remus' palm, two centimeters below the cut from earlier that day. He couldn't make the cut.
A sudden noise to Remus' left startled him. His hand slipped and the metal penetrated his skin for the second time that day. A line of ruby red tears welled up on Remus' palm, threatening to spill over. He squeezed his palm into a fist and watched a few drops of blood fall onto the pine needles.
"Does it hurt?" someone asked quietly. Remus spun on the rock to see Alyssa Mant standing next to him. She crouched on the ground near the rock, staring fixedly at his blood-stained hand.
"Yes," he replied, feeling his heart speed up and catch in his throat. He hadn't seen the Ravenclaw in almost a week, and had nearly forgotten how it felt to be around her. She flipped her blonde hair behind her shoulder.
"Why do you do it?" Remus hesitated. The first time, it had been an accident. He hadn't meant to cut himself, he'd just fallen asleep. After that...
"It's relaxing," he told her. "It just...feels good." Alyssa looked perplexed for a moment, then smiled. Remus was amazed at how much prettier she looked when she smiled.
"Could I see your knife? It's a pretty one," she commented, pointing at the ivory-handled pocketknife. Remus hesitated, then shrugged.
"Yeah, okay." He started to wipe the blood off, but she took it from him before he had the chance. Alyssa ran her finger along the edge, seeming to test the sharpness. Her finger came away with a small, thin line of blood on it. She laughed lightly and handed the knife back.
"What do you say we take a walk?" she suggested, standing up and rubbing her cold hands together. Remus looked up at her, bewildered.
"S-seriously?" She shrugged.
"If you don't want to, it's no problem," she said nonchalantly.
"No! No, that sounds good." Remus wiped the blade on his robes, suddenly feeling stupid about his pitiful act of self-mutilation. It hardly compared to what some people did to themselves; he was probably too cowardly to really cut something badly. And now Alyssa Mant knew about his strange habit.
The two walked through the forest, keeping close to the edge of the trees. They made their way out to the lake and wandered onto its shore. Alyssa began skipping stones across the dark water; the monster in its depths stirred, but the girl didn't seem to care. Remus considered mentioning something to her, but that would appear cowardly.
"Y'know, my brother used to cut himself," Alyssa said casually. Remus glanced at her furtively, but she didn't appear to be upset. "He has scars all up his arm from it. I think he likes the scars, 'cause he could've gotten rid of them pretty easily." She laughed lightly. "He was a healer, believe it or not." Remus smiled, but he didn't see what was particularly funny.
The two walked a little farther along the shore, then sat down at the edge of the water. Alyssa trailed her hand in the water, then placed her fingers to her cheek. She repeated the motion but touched Remus' cheek instead. The water was so cold it stung his cheek.
"That's another form of mutilation," she said knowledgeably, taking her fingers away and shaking them dry. "Hot and cold. My brother tried burning once, but he didn't like the smell." Remus turned away, beginning to feel a bit sick. "I don't know anyone who uses ice or cold water, but I know it exists." She smiled. "Salt and ice-that freezes the top layer of skin, from what I've heard. It'd be kind of fun to have frozen skin, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah," Remus said quietly, not looking at her. He couldn't imagine why a girl like this would know about such dreadful things. Alyssa suddenly pulled up her robes, revealing a pale calf. Her shin was covered with scars, some of them spelling things. There was a heart drawn jerkily into the skin just above her ankle bone. Remus felt a wave of shock, as if he'd been knocked backwards into the frigid lake.
"I did this when I was twelve," Alyssa told him, something almost like pride in her voice. "School was really hard that year, and I thought I was gonna fail. I cut myself by accident first, then liked it and did it again." She shrugged. "It became almost an obsession for a while."
She revealed her other calf. There was a series of small, circular burns surrounding her ankle, for all the world like a piece of bizarre jewelry. "This was last year. More for fun than for stress," Alyssa explained. Remus nodded, at a loss for words. Why was she doing this? A sudden thought hit him, made him furious.
"Did Sirius send you here?" Remus asked in a low voice. Alyssa looked up from her burns.
"Who? Oh, Sirius Black. No, I haven't seen him today. Why?" She frowned, inspecting a slightly misshapen burn right on the ankle bone. Remus relaxed a bit. So she had come of her own accord. Had she noticed his cuts and realized what he was doing, then sought him out to have this discussion?
The wind picked up as time wore on. Remus watched the bleak sky, hoping the storm clouds would blow past before they could open up on the school. He sensed Alyssa watching him and turned to meet her eyes. She was staring at him with a strange look on her face. He blushed and turned away.
"I should probably get back to the school," he said quietly, standing up from the shore. Alyssa caught his hand with hers. Her palm was warm and soft.
"You're hands are cold," she observed, turning over the cut hand and inspecting the broken skin.
"I'm...sorry?" Remus said hesitantly when she did not continue. Alyssa laughed.
"No, no. I was just noticing." She winked. "'Cause you know what they say-cold hands, warm heart." Remus blushed furiously. Alyssa pulled him down to sit next to her on the shore. "Don't go back just yet," she implored quietly. "It gets awfully lonely out here sometimes.
"Do-do you come out here a lot?" Remus asked, still conscious of the red rising in his cheeks. Alyssa was still holding his hand in both of hers, staring at the cuts on it as if she could derive some sort of meaning from it.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a nod. "All the time. It's my place to think." She laughed. "Unfortunately, it happens to get very cold most of the year, so I often have to sit in my room and pretend I'm out here instead." She sighed and looked across the lake. Remus followed her gaze, but saw nothing of interest. When he looked back, she was staring at him again. He wasn't sure he liked the strange look in her eyes. Her fingers worked his, rubbing them almost as he rubbed the ivory handle of the knife. Just thinking about it made him want to hold the knife again... He closed his eyes and imagined having it, cool and smooth and heavy, in his palm...
Something warm pressed against his lips. His eyes flew open and he found himself looking at the bridge of Alyssa's nose. She let go of his hand and put her arms around his neck. He would have loved to respond to the action, but he was too surprised to move. Alyssa let him go almost immediately, looking disconsolate.
"Was that wrong?" she asked quietly. "I don't know why I did it-just thought it would be nice I guess." Remus struggled for words as the realization hit him: he'd just been kissed by the girl he'd had a crush on for most of the school year so far. Adrenaline began to pump through his frozen veins. Without thinking, he reached forward and cupped his hands around Alyssa's face. She tilted her head just so and closed her eyes. Remus brought his lips close to hers and closed his eyes, breathing her scent. He brushed his lips against hers briefly, teasing himself and her. Alyssa laughed lightly and put her hands in his hair.
"Enough of that," she whispered before closing the distance between them once and for all.
Sirius sat on the edge of his bed, tapping his leg nervously. James watched him from his own bed, amused; Padfoot had never been good at apologies-it meant he was admitting he was wrong.
"Where is he?" Sirius grumbled for the fifth time as he stood and crossed the room to the door. He peered down into the common room, but Remus wasn't among the students there. Making an exasperated noise low in his throat, he paced to the window and pressed his forehead against the glass. His breath fogged up the pane and he turned away in annoyance. He perched on the edge of his bed again, incessantly shaking his leg. James stared around the room.
"What are you going to say when he gets here?" he asked the nervous teenager. Sirius shrugged.
"It'll come to me," he muttered. He hoped.
The door creaked as it was pushed open. Sirius stood up expectantly, but it was Peter who walked through the door. Sirius glared at him and sat down on the bed again.
"What did I do now?" Peter asked indignantly. James laughed and briefly explained what was going on.
"You'll be waiting here a nice long time, then, Padfoot," he assured his friend as he sat on his own bed.
"Why d'you say that?" Sirius asked with a glare.
"I just saw Remus wandering around the grounds with Alyssa Mant." Sirius' jaw dropped.
"Seriously?"
"Sirius-ly." Sirius shot him a warning look and walked to the window again.
"This is no time to be making jokes. If our Moony has finally got up the guts to talk to girls...this could be huge! We may have a ladies' man on our hands, yet!" He grinned happily and stretched out on his bed again. "And now I don't have to worry about what he's up to-he's not going to be cutting himself while he's on a date!" James cleared his throat.
"That's not necessarily true, in this case," he said slowly. "Alyssa and her brother both have a history of self-mutilation. It's a little more than creepy to see what she's done to herself over the years." Sirius sat straight up in bed.
"What?!" he yelled. He glared at the foggy window. "Well, this just ices the cake," he muttered.
"Hey, don't freak out yet. For all we know, she'll hide her scars from him. Or, he'll see how creepy she looks with her legs all chopped up and will realize the seriousness of what he's doing to himself." Sirius nodded but didn't lie down again.
An hour later, James got changed for bed and crawled under the covers. Peter followed suit, but Sirius remained sitting up, waiting for Remus.
Shortly after midnight, Remus crept into the room, holding his shoes to minimize the noise he made. Sirius allowed him to get dressed and pull back the covers before he spoke.
"You're back late," Sirius commented. Remus jumped a foot in the air and whirled around.
"Don't do that!" he hissed.
"Sorry," he said genuinely. It was no use annoying Moony before he even brought up the apology. Remus gave him a strange look.
"Alright." He crawled under the covers and stared up at the ceiling.
"I owe you an apology," Sirius said quietly. Remus looked at him warily.
"This is new... What for?"
"For losing my temper with you earlier." The result of Remus' lost temper, the hole in the door, had been repaired by James. Sirius thought it best not to mention that. "I had no right to handle your things that way. I'm sorry." There was silence for a moment.
"Okay." Sirius pushed his breath out through his teeth. He knew the apology hadn't been enough. An idea hit him suddenly.
"Hey, how about this?" he offered, standing up and crossing to the window. He opened it a crack, shivering in the chilly winter air. "Accio pocketknife!" he said softly, pointing his wand out the window. Something hit him hard in the back of the head. "Ouch! What the-" He leaned over and picked up the ivory-handled knife. "Why did it come from over there?" he asked, sure he already knew the answer.
"I-I got it as soon as you left," Remus admitted. "I didn't want it to rust." Sirius felt his temper rise, but squelched it immediately. Forcing a smile, he handed back the knife.
"That makes sense I suppose," he acknowledged. "I need to talk to you about that knife, Remus," Sirius added suddenly. Moony turned his head to face the wall. "I don't want you cutting yourself anymore," he continued without waiting for a response. "It scares me-it scares all of us. I want- " He swallowed nervously, knowing what he was about to say could set Remus off again. "I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore."
Moony, to Sirius' relief, didn't blow up. He lay still for a while, then turned to look up and his friend.
"Alright, I promise," he said seriously. Sirius let his breath out in a rush.
"Thanks, Moony. You have no idea what that means to me." He turned and got ready for bed himself. Lying awake in bed, James couldn't suppress a proud smile.
