Um, the song isn't mine either, so yeah. Otherwise, nothing else. Read
on!
Chapter Four
Apologies?
Monday morning it rained lightly, just enough to soak anyone who had to cross the grounds to Herbology. Which the Marauders and Lily did.
They paired off as usual, James with Peter and Sirius with Remus. Sirius was doubly glad he'd made up with Moony the night before; Herbology was not his strong suit, as it was Remus'. Lily looked around.
"What's up, Lily? Don't you have a partner?" James asked when he saw her standing idly by her pot.
"Well, no-Jesse's not here. I was hoping I could work with her so I wouldn't get stuck in a group of three with one of you guys again." She flashed them a grin to soften her words. Sirius looked around and saw that Lily was right; Jesse was not in the greenhouse.
"D'you s'pose she knows where the greenhouse is?" he asked. "She's never had an Herbology class here before." James nodded.
"That's probably the thing-in which case she'll be escorted here by Filch, no doubt," he added with a sympathetic shudder. But Peter shook his head.
"No-she wasn't at lunch yesterday, either, remember? In fact, I haven't seen her since Saturday night by the fire." His words sunk in as the others realized they hadn't seen Jesse in a day either.
"Where could she be?" Lily asked, a touch of worry in her voice. "You don't think she wandered into the forest or something?" Sirius laughed lightly.
"Lily, you're always making mountains out of molehills." He grinned at James. "Muggle phrase, picked it up last summer..." No one had to ask who he'd picked it up from. "At any rate, you need to quit worrying so much. As long as someone's at Hogwarts, they're safe."
"Easy for you to say-you have an extra pair of hands working on your mandrake." James chuckled and waved a dirty hand.
"Work with us, then, Lily. No big deal for one more day." The red-head nodded and moved her tools across the table. Remus moved the soil from around his mandrake's head, checking to see if it had reached adolescence yet.
"See any pimples yet, Moony?" Sirius asked, trying to look over his partner's shoulder.
"Yep, he's definitely a teenager now," Remus assured him. They turned to their second mandrake and began inspecting it.
When Herbology was over, Remus halted halfway to Care of Magical Creatures and began rummaging madly through his bag.
"Shit, I forgot my book... Do we need them today?" he asked the group. Lily nodded, eyes wide.
"Ooh, yes, we do! Remember, we're going to have an open-book test on tree- dwelling creatures today. I heard a rumor that she requires quotes from the book!" Remus made a noise low in his throat and took off, yelling that he'd be right back. The others shot him sympathetic glances and took their seats on the sloping lawns, hoping he'd be back before class started.
Remus ran as fast as he could across the grounds, into the school, and up the stairs to the Gryffindor tower. By the time he got to the portrait hole, he didn't have enough breath to speak the password.
"Arrow-" he panted, leaning on his knees. "Arrowhead!" The Fat Lady swung forward without a word and admitted Remus. He crawled through, still catching his breath, and simply left his book bag in the portrait hole. He could get it on the way out and not risk forgetting it in his rush.
As he stumbled through the common room to the spiral staircase up to the boys' dorms, Remus heard a soft voice to his right. He paused at the bottom step and peered around a curtain to see someone sitting in an alcove that sported a window seat and a large window with a lovely view of the grounds. Her features were obscured by a shimmery white curtain, but Remus knew who it was when he heard what she was singing.
"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, That I put down in words... How wonderful life is, now you're in the world..."
Remus closed his eyes, letting the song take him back to his childhood days, the days before the curse... Without realizing it, he walked toward the girl in the alcove and pushed back the curtain. He sat down on the window seat and leaned against the wall, losing himself in the feelings and memories that threatened to overtake him.
The singing stopped before the song was over, and Remus looked up, surprised to see where he was. Jesse was staring back at him, waiting to see his reaction.
"I remember that song," he said softly. She smiled.
"Of course you do, we were obsessed with it. I'd be terribly upset if you'd forgotten that." She stared back out the window, humming the chorus. The CMC class was just visible near the greenhouses on the lawns below.
"Why didn't you come to Herbology today?" Remus asked. "Lily needed a partner," he clarified quickly, not wanting her to think he'd actually cared. Jesse hid a knowing smile by yawning.
"Didn't feel like it. I haven't been feeling well since I got here-I think it's the different food."
"I think it's because you haven't been eating the food," Remus corrected her. She looked at him sharply.
"And how on earth would you know?" He shrugged.
"I'm observant, what can I say?" Jesse turned back to the window, visibly upset. She could tell that Remus wanted to talk to her, but he would never let her start a conversation. She was amazed that they were talking civilly now, and didn't want to ruin that by bringing up what was always on her mind.
"You missed Double Potions the other day, and you're missing CMC right now- so who are you to talk?" Jesse said instead.
"Yeah, but this isn't my first week at a new school. I know what I can miss and what I can't." And CMC is something I can't miss today...so why am I sitting in here talking to someone I hate? he wondered. Jesse was still staring out the window; he took the opportunity to study her face while she wasn't looking. He was surprised at how different she looked from what he remembered; if she hadn't recognized him, he would have wondered if he had the wrong person. Her brown hair was considerably lighter than it had been, her skin was darker and nicely tanned from living in America for so long. But her eyes were the same bright, clear blue that Remus had always loved, even at such a young age.
Remus noted with some dismay that Jesse's shapely bottom lip was split in the middle. It had swollen quite a bit and looked red.
"I'm sorry-" he began, pointing vaguely at her face. "For yesterday, I mean. I was out of control, I had no right to lose my temper like that."
"I accept your apology," she said slowly, "as long as you promise to try to keep your cool around me from here on out." Remus stared at her, incredulous.
"You can't strike a bargain with me! I apologized-I never guaranteed you'd accept it. That was your choice completely. I'm not going to agree to some cock-and-bull agreement to try to keep me from blowing up every time I see you! Simple words aren't enough to stop actions! In the face of emotion, promises mean nothing." Remus spoke the last words in a whisper, his face inches from Jesse's. Then he jumped up from the window seat, tore past the curtains, and stormed upstairs. Jesse sat watching the curtains slow their erratic movements, wondering what she'd done this time to make him so mad.
Remus slammed the dorm room door shut and flopped onto his bed facedown. He didn't bother with the curtains, knowing no one would enter the room until lunch at the earliest, and he had plenty of time until then. Angry tears stung his eyes as he groped around on the shelf for the pocketknife. He found it and held it for a moment, blinking away his unreasonable tears. When he was somewhat more controlled, he flipped open the blade and pressed it against his palm.
In the face of emotion, promises mean nothing. The words had made perfect sense when he'd spoken them to Jesse downstairs, but now he saw they were lies. His promise to Sirius rang in his head, made him feel terrible for even considering what he'd been about to do.
I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore.
And he wouldn't. He'd given his best friend his word, and that had to mean something. Remus let his knife hand relax; the blade slid harmlessly down his wrist and came to rest on the underside of his forearm.
I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore.
He'd made a promise...he couldn't cut his hand. But where did the hand end and the wrist begin? Or the wrist and the arm? Remus stared at the soft flesh under the blade. His other arm, he knew, had a large scar from a particularly bad transformation. Would anyone notice if he scarred this one too?
Suddenly, he needed to cut. Needed to feel his skin give way under the sharp blade, watch the blood run down his pale skin, express his emotional trauma through physical pain. The knife point, almost of its own accord, pressed harder against his flesh. A single bead of blood welled up and dripped down the shiny blade.
The first puncture made, Remus found it much easier to continue with his self-mutilation. He dragged the point down his arm towards the elbow, watching the blood well up like water overflowing a ravine. He stopped after having sliced a three-inch line along the underside of his arm, starting at the wrist. It was a shallow cut and would begin to heal quickly. That was what Remus wanted-to reopen the wound and watch it bleed afresh.
Remus suddenly felt a shock of pain in his arm. He stared at the cut, dumbfounded. It actually hurt this time. The pain came again, and he realized it made him feel much more relaxed. This thin cut worked much better than all the slashes on his palm had done; he immediately felt lighter, more alive. It was an adrenaline rush.
Remus cleaned the blade lovingly and replaced it on his shelf. He left his CMC book sitting on his bedside table where it had been since the night before and opened the dormitory door. He was halfway down the stairs when he heard the song again. Jesse was still there, and singing as before. Instead of feeling angry, Remus was calmed. His release of emotion upstairs had gotten rid of his anger at Jesse, too, and he found he was willing to talk to her again. He made his way down the rest of the steps and joined her by the window for the second time.
"I'm sorry I yelled again," he said calmly. Jesse shrugged. She's stopped singing when he pushed aside the curtain, as though embarrassed that he should hear her. "I don't really know why I always lose my temper with you," he continued. "I'm usually pretty mellow, as far as I know. I don't even get pissed at Sirius that much."
"Thanks, that makes me feel much better," Jesse said shortly. Remus was taken aback. Suddenly, they seemed to have switched places. Now he was trying to make civil conversation, and she was being waspish. He propped his right elbow on his raised knee and let the hand hang down so that he could twiddle with his wand. He felt a trickle along his arm and realized his cut was still bleeding a little. Before he could turn his arm up, a drop of blood fell onto the cushion for the window seat.
Jesse saw the droplet fall out of the corner of her eye.
"You're bleeding!" she cried out, taking Remus' wrist in her hand. He tried to tear it away, but she hung on tenaciously and pulled up his sleeve. "Remus, what on earth happened to you?" she asked, inspecting the cut. He finally managed to tear his arm away from her grasp and recover it.
"That's my business alone," he hissed. As Jesse called for him to come back, Remus turned and strode from the room. He left his book bag in the portrait hole and wandered in the general direction of the library. At least there he wouldn't be punished for being out of class-he could simply say he was doing research for something.
By the time Remus reached the library, the bell signaling the start of lunch had rung anyway. He considered turning and going to the Great Hall, but that would mean facing his friends and Jesse. He didn't feel like explaining where he'd been the whole class period.
The library was empty, as he'd expected and hoped. Remus wandered among the bookshelves, reading a few titles here and there, but found nothing interesting. His hands were in his pockets, and he could still feel blood trickling down his arm.
He turned to start up the next aisle and realized he wasn't alone, after all. None other than Alyssa Mant was sitting in the corner, curled around a large tome in her lap. She looked up and smiled as he approached.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked sweetly, setting the book aside and stretching her legs. Remus caught a glimpse of the heart carved into her ankle.
"Don't really want to be with a lot of people," he said with a shrug. "I'm not really hungry, anyway." Alyssa nodded her agreement and looked around.
"I know just how you feel. Sometimes you just want to be in a place like this, where it's totally silent and it smells like old dust." She laughed lightly. "It's too bad you're not in my house-we have so much in common, but we never get to see each other." Remus nodded and, in a moment of daring, took her hand.
"We should arrange to get together more," he suggested in what he hoped was a casual voice. Alyssa nodded and leaned forward to kiss him lightly.
"You're bleeding," she whispered, holding his gaze with her deep black eyes. He nodded, wondering briefly how she knew. She held up the hand she was holding and pulled back the sleeve of his robe to reveal the shallow cut. "Not much of a cut, for all it's bleeding still," she said casually. She ran a finger along the cut, sending a shiver of pain up Remus' arm, and nonchalantly licked her finger. Remus stared at her, eyes wide, but looked away quickly for fear of seeming rude. He instead focused his attention on his cut, which was, in fact, still bleeding as much as it had been when new.
"Huh, I thought it would have started to close up by now," he commented. Alyssa placed a slender finger under his chin and tilted it up so he was facing her. She kissed him again without any warning. When she pulled back, she licked her lips.
"Taste that?" she asked with a smile. He nodded, feeling a bit strange. "Isn't it lovely?" she said airily, more to herself than to him. He nodded again just to please her, but he was actually beginning to feel sick. He glanced at the clock on the wall.
"I'd better get going if I want to have any lunch before the food all disappears," Remus said casually, standing up.
"Good idea, I'll go with you!" Alyssa said cheerily, hopping up from the floor as well. She took his hand, but he released it to scratch his ear.
"No, don't bother. I've got to get my books out of the common room first. I'll just see you down there, shall I?" He summoned a smile and was rewarded with the same from Alyssa.
"Okay, see you at lunch." She took off ahead of him and waved over her shoulder. As she turned the corner, he thought he saw her lick her lips and laugh.
Remus jogged to the nearest bathroom, which was thankfully nearby, and burst inside. He leaned over the only toilet and emptied his breakfast into the bowl. He sat for a few minutes afterward, kneeling in front of the toilet with his eyes closed and chiding himself for becoming so sick over such a silly thing... So she'd licked some of his blood off her finger. Was it really that bad?
No, it was the realization that came with it...
He shook his head as hard as he dared and scolded himself for thinking such thoughts. With a sigh, Remus stood on shaky knees. He wiped blood that had dripped down his arm off the toilet seat, threw the square of red- stained toilet paper into the toilet, and flushed the lot. He went to the sink and washed his face with cool, clear water. Pulling his sleeve back, he dabbed at some of the blood that still ran down his arm in tiny trickles. The towel soaked up the blood, but didn't stem the flow.
Making sure he didn't look too terrible, Remus left the bathroom and headed for the Great Hall. He wasn't sure he could eat anything at the moment, but he figured his friends would get upset if he skipped the meal entirely.
The hall was almost empty when Remus got there, but all his friends (not Jesse, to his relief) were still sitting at the Gryffindor table. He greeted them as heartily as he could manage, but Sirius was not to be fooled.
"You look sick, Moony," he said immediately.
"And good day to you, too," joked Remus. Sirius would not be swayed.
"What's wrong?" he asked as if Remus had not said anything. Remus shrugged.
"Nothing, I feel fine." He looked around at the food, all of which made him want to throw up again, and picked up a sandwich. He knew Sirius would be on his case all afternoon if he didn't eat something now. But the first bite of the sandwich tasted horribly like blood, and Remus put it down in disgust.
"Remus, you're bleeding again." He snapped his head up to see Lily looking at him, concern shining in her eyes. Her hand shook as she reached across the table to grab Remus' fingers and pull them back to get a better view. He twisted out of her reach and picked up the sandwich again.
"Don't be ridiculous," he told her angrily, angling his arm upward so the blood would drip to his elbow and not his wrist. But this proved to be a mistake: his sleeve fell below his wrist and exposed the top of the cut to everyone. Sirius, who'd been watching him carefully since he'd arrived, grabbed his wrist firmly and pulled it towards him. He pushed Remus' sleeve out of the way and took one glance at the cut before releasing his friend's hand.
"You made me a promise," he said in a low voice as he stood up from the table. Remus found the excuses he'd made for himself sounded flimsy and childish now. He watched Sirius go without saying a word.
Sirius strode from the Great Hall, trying to keep his hands from shaking. He didn't think he'd ever been so furious; that a friend would break a promise, betray him and deceive him... It was unforgivable. He jammed his hands into his pockets to hide them from the Slytherins and tried to look calm and normal as he shoved the door open with his shoulder.
The entrance hall was empty, to Sirius' relief. He slowed his pace and took a few shaky breaths, then began to walk upstairs. Perhaps sitting by the fire in the common room for a while would calm him down. On the way, he passed a couple talking quietly behind a suit of armor. He peered out of the corner of his eye as he walked by and recognized Alyssa Mant and Severus Snape. Alyssa was kissing Snape's neck tenderly and rubbing his shoulders. Sickened, Sirius turned away and quickened his pace.
The Fat Lady glared at him as he approached; he supposed this was because he'd charmed her to have a high, squeaky voice for the entire month of March last school year. He wasn't in the mood to banter with the portrait, so he uttered the password and crawled through the portrait hole, ignoring the book bag that someone had stupidly left in his way.
The first thing he heard upon entering the common room was a soft voice singing a song he didn't recognize. He tiptoed towards the voice and located the singer in an alcove separated from the room by a shimmery white curtain. Sirius pushed back the curtain and was surprised to see Jesse sitting on the window seat. She stopped singing as soon as she saw him and blushed furiously.
"What's up?" he asked casually, sitting next to her on the window seat. Jesse shrugged. After a moment's silence, she turned suddenly and collapsed on Sirius' shoulder, crying her heart out. Sirius wrapped his arms around her instinctively, but was taken quite by surprise. When she'd calmed down some, she sat up again and wiped her puffy eyes.
"Oh, Sirius! I just don't know what to do anymore!" she wailed between sobs. "I missed two classes already today, and it's only my first week of school! Plus, my mother's getting sick again, and Remus is mad at me all the time-and I feel awful about telling you this, but I need to get it off my chest, but I think he's hurting himself!" Jesse collapsed into tears again.
"Quiet, Jesse," Sirius said sternly. He found it was often better to be strict in these situations-it made the other person feel like someone was in control of their problems. "I already knew about Remus, so you don't need to feel guilty. As for school, I have complete faith in your academic abilities. You'll have no problem making up a few missed assignments." He paused. "And your mum, well, if she's been sick before, then I'm sure she'll get over this one like the other times." A ghost of a smile passed over Jesse's lips.
"Thanks for trying, but she's not going to get better. It's a debilitating disease, and she may not live to see Christmas." Sirius looked at her in shock.
"But that's not even a month away!" Jesse nodded.
"It's possible she'll surprise the doctors again-they've been predicting her death for almost a year now. But looking at her..." The girl shrugged. "I'm kind of starting to think they're right." Sirius snapped out of his shock enough to give Jesse a big hug. She leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Thanks for being here, Sirius," she said softly. "You're like the big brother I've always wanted." Sirius was surprised by this at first; he'd never been anything like a brother to girls before-they always either became infatuated with him or hated his arrogant guts. But upon thinking about it, he realized Jesse was more like family than anything else-much like Lily. He sighed contentedly and stretched out along the window seat. Jesse leaned back against the wall facing him and closed her eyes. It was then that Sirius noticed her split lip.
"What happened?" he asked immediately, sitting up to inspect her lip more closely. "I'll bet it was those damned Slytherins." Jesse laughed at the anger in his voice.
"No, it's not the Slytherins."
"Who's been beating you up then?" She opened one eye and looked him up and down.
"I hardly think a split lip shows that I'm being 'beat up,'" she said defensively. "And I can take care of my own problems, thank you very much." Sirius gave her a mock glare.
"Hey, if I'm gonna be your big brother, I can't sit by and watch you get pummeled. Who's the jerk?" Jesse raised an eyebrow.
"Alright then, if you must know, it was Remus." Sirius' jaw dropped.
"Remus? Remus Lupin?" he asked incredulously. "I swear, there's something wrong with that kid lately. He can't just go around losing his temper like this!" Sirius growled. "I'm gonna have to have a talk with him..."
"Please don't make him any more stressed out than he already is," Jesse said suddenly, an odd look in her eyes. "I don't know what I did to make him so angry, but I don't need you going and getting in a fight with him. He needs his friends right now, I think." Sirius was silent for a moment.
"Well," he said slowly, thinking of the event at lunch, "he's not doing a very good job of keeping them." Jesse sighed.
"I just wish he'd talk to me. I know I can fix things! But not unless I know what needs fixing." Sirius nodded.
"Remus is like that," he explained. "Sometimes I think he should be 'Moody,' not Moony." Jesse laughed lightly and stared at her hands.
"Well, I hope he gets over it eventually. At this rate, we're going to go home for the summer still mad at each other!"
James stared blankly at his glass of pumpkin juice, trying to get up the courage to say something. The table had been uncharacteristically quiet since Sirius had walked off. He, and everyone else sitting there in silence, was starting to feel very uncomfortable.
But the words that finally burst from his mouth were not the ones he'd expected-or wanted.
"Aren't you going to eat that?" he asked, indicating the hardly touched sandwich in Remus' hand. The boy made an exasperated noise and tossed it down onto his plate.
"Hell no." He stared up at the ceiling and leaned his chin on his hand.
"You feeling okay?" James asked, again wishing he hadn't said anything at all. Remus hated being mothered.
"No, I'm not, thanks," Remus snapped. There was another long silence. Peter picked at the food on his plate, having lost his appetite. Lily looked very upset at having started the whole thing. James put a comforting hand on hers and was rewarded with a smile and a soft word. Remus stared at their joined hands for a moment, then stood up, thinking of Alyssa. He had said he'd meet her at lunch, and had up until now ignored the promise.
"I think I'm going to go to class now," he lied, looking around for his book bag. Realizing he'd left it in the portrait hole, Remus cursed softly and left without another word. James and Lily looked at each other, alarmed.
"Did we offend him somehow?" Lily asked worriedly. Peter snickered.
"No, of course not," he said as he tore his sandwich in half. "You made him think about Alyssa-he's probably off to find her now." Lily looked blank. "I saw them walking around like a regular couple the other day," Peter explained.
"Alyssa-Alyssa Mant?" she asked carefully.
"Yep," James informed her proudly. "Our boy's finally got up the courage to talk to her, I guess."
"But she already has a boyfriend!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm surprised you didn't know-she's been dating Severus Snape for the past month and a half!" James and Peter stared at her, open-mouthed.
"That would explain why he hasn't been bothering us for a good long time..." James muttered, but Peter shook his head.
"That can't be right," he said firmly. "She must have dumped Sevvie-poo for Moony. There's just no other explanation."
"I'm afraid there is, Peter," Lily said apologetically. "Alyssa's widely known among the girls as a kind of..." She looked around carefully. "Harlot," she whispered. James chuckled at her; no matter who she was talking about, Lily always felt guilty about saying bad things about other people.
"But Remus doesn't like those kinds of people!" Peter claimed indignantly.
"All guys do," James corrected him firmly. Then, at a look from Lily, "Except me, of course. I'm above that." He winked at Peter and got a punch in the arm from Lily. "Don't worry, sweets, I'd never cheat on you," he assured her, running a hand through his hair. Peter groaned and focused on his food when Lily leaned forward to kiss her boyfriend tenderly.
"I know you wouldn't," she whispered lovingly. Her eyes narrowed. "It's that Alyssa girl I'm worried about."
Chapter Four
Apologies?
Monday morning it rained lightly, just enough to soak anyone who had to cross the grounds to Herbology. Which the Marauders and Lily did.
They paired off as usual, James with Peter and Sirius with Remus. Sirius was doubly glad he'd made up with Moony the night before; Herbology was not his strong suit, as it was Remus'. Lily looked around.
"What's up, Lily? Don't you have a partner?" James asked when he saw her standing idly by her pot.
"Well, no-Jesse's not here. I was hoping I could work with her so I wouldn't get stuck in a group of three with one of you guys again." She flashed them a grin to soften her words. Sirius looked around and saw that Lily was right; Jesse was not in the greenhouse.
"D'you s'pose she knows where the greenhouse is?" he asked. "She's never had an Herbology class here before." James nodded.
"That's probably the thing-in which case she'll be escorted here by Filch, no doubt," he added with a sympathetic shudder. But Peter shook his head.
"No-she wasn't at lunch yesterday, either, remember? In fact, I haven't seen her since Saturday night by the fire." His words sunk in as the others realized they hadn't seen Jesse in a day either.
"Where could she be?" Lily asked, a touch of worry in her voice. "You don't think she wandered into the forest or something?" Sirius laughed lightly.
"Lily, you're always making mountains out of molehills." He grinned at James. "Muggle phrase, picked it up last summer..." No one had to ask who he'd picked it up from. "At any rate, you need to quit worrying so much. As long as someone's at Hogwarts, they're safe."
"Easy for you to say-you have an extra pair of hands working on your mandrake." James chuckled and waved a dirty hand.
"Work with us, then, Lily. No big deal for one more day." The red-head nodded and moved her tools across the table. Remus moved the soil from around his mandrake's head, checking to see if it had reached adolescence yet.
"See any pimples yet, Moony?" Sirius asked, trying to look over his partner's shoulder.
"Yep, he's definitely a teenager now," Remus assured him. They turned to their second mandrake and began inspecting it.
When Herbology was over, Remus halted halfway to Care of Magical Creatures and began rummaging madly through his bag.
"Shit, I forgot my book... Do we need them today?" he asked the group. Lily nodded, eyes wide.
"Ooh, yes, we do! Remember, we're going to have an open-book test on tree- dwelling creatures today. I heard a rumor that she requires quotes from the book!" Remus made a noise low in his throat and took off, yelling that he'd be right back. The others shot him sympathetic glances and took their seats on the sloping lawns, hoping he'd be back before class started.
Remus ran as fast as he could across the grounds, into the school, and up the stairs to the Gryffindor tower. By the time he got to the portrait hole, he didn't have enough breath to speak the password.
"Arrow-" he panted, leaning on his knees. "Arrowhead!" The Fat Lady swung forward without a word and admitted Remus. He crawled through, still catching his breath, and simply left his book bag in the portrait hole. He could get it on the way out and not risk forgetting it in his rush.
As he stumbled through the common room to the spiral staircase up to the boys' dorms, Remus heard a soft voice to his right. He paused at the bottom step and peered around a curtain to see someone sitting in an alcove that sported a window seat and a large window with a lovely view of the grounds. Her features were obscured by a shimmery white curtain, but Remus knew who it was when he heard what she was singing.
"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, That I put down in words... How wonderful life is, now you're in the world..."
Remus closed his eyes, letting the song take him back to his childhood days, the days before the curse... Without realizing it, he walked toward the girl in the alcove and pushed back the curtain. He sat down on the window seat and leaned against the wall, losing himself in the feelings and memories that threatened to overtake him.
The singing stopped before the song was over, and Remus looked up, surprised to see where he was. Jesse was staring back at him, waiting to see his reaction.
"I remember that song," he said softly. She smiled.
"Of course you do, we were obsessed with it. I'd be terribly upset if you'd forgotten that." She stared back out the window, humming the chorus. The CMC class was just visible near the greenhouses on the lawns below.
"Why didn't you come to Herbology today?" Remus asked. "Lily needed a partner," he clarified quickly, not wanting her to think he'd actually cared. Jesse hid a knowing smile by yawning.
"Didn't feel like it. I haven't been feeling well since I got here-I think it's the different food."
"I think it's because you haven't been eating the food," Remus corrected her. She looked at him sharply.
"And how on earth would you know?" He shrugged.
"I'm observant, what can I say?" Jesse turned back to the window, visibly upset. She could tell that Remus wanted to talk to her, but he would never let her start a conversation. She was amazed that they were talking civilly now, and didn't want to ruin that by bringing up what was always on her mind.
"You missed Double Potions the other day, and you're missing CMC right now- so who are you to talk?" Jesse said instead.
"Yeah, but this isn't my first week at a new school. I know what I can miss and what I can't." And CMC is something I can't miss today...so why am I sitting in here talking to someone I hate? he wondered. Jesse was still staring out the window; he took the opportunity to study her face while she wasn't looking. He was surprised at how different she looked from what he remembered; if she hadn't recognized him, he would have wondered if he had the wrong person. Her brown hair was considerably lighter than it had been, her skin was darker and nicely tanned from living in America for so long. But her eyes were the same bright, clear blue that Remus had always loved, even at such a young age.
Remus noted with some dismay that Jesse's shapely bottom lip was split in the middle. It had swollen quite a bit and looked red.
"I'm sorry-" he began, pointing vaguely at her face. "For yesterday, I mean. I was out of control, I had no right to lose my temper like that."
"I accept your apology," she said slowly, "as long as you promise to try to keep your cool around me from here on out." Remus stared at her, incredulous.
"You can't strike a bargain with me! I apologized-I never guaranteed you'd accept it. That was your choice completely. I'm not going to agree to some cock-and-bull agreement to try to keep me from blowing up every time I see you! Simple words aren't enough to stop actions! In the face of emotion, promises mean nothing." Remus spoke the last words in a whisper, his face inches from Jesse's. Then he jumped up from the window seat, tore past the curtains, and stormed upstairs. Jesse sat watching the curtains slow their erratic movements, wondering what she'd done this time to make him so mad.
Remus slammed the dorm room door shut and flopped onto his bed facedown. He didn't bother with the curtains, knowing no one would enter the room until lunch at the earliest, and he had plenty of time until then. Angry tears stung his eyes as he groped around on the shelf for the pocketknife. He found it and held it for a moment, blinking away his unreasonable tears. When he was somewhat more controlled, he flipped open the blade and pressed it against his palm.
In the face of emotion, promises mean nothing. The words had made perfect sense when he'd spoken them to Jesse downstairs, but now he saw they were lies. His promise to Sirius rang in his head, made him feel terrible for even considering what he'd been about to do.
I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore.
And he wouldn't. He'd given his best friend his word, and that had to mean something. Remus let his knife hand relax; the blade slid harmlessly down his wrist and came to rest on the underside of his forearm.
I want you to promise you won't cut your hand anymore.
He'd made a promise...he couldn't cut his hand. But where did the hand end and the wrist begin? Or the wrist and the arm? Remus stared at the soft flesh under the blade. His other arm, he knew, had a large scar from a particularly bad transformation. Would anyone notice if he scarred this one too?
Suddenly, he needed to cut. Needed to feel his skin give way under the sharp blade, watch the blood run down his pale skin, express his emotional trauma through physical pain. The knife point, almost of its own accord, pressed harder against his flesh. A single bead of blood welled up and dripped down the shiny blade.
The first puncture made, Remus found it much easier to continue with his self-mutilation. He dragged the point down his arm towards the elbow, watching the blood well up like water overflowing a ravine. He stopped after having sliced a three-inch line along the underside of his arm, starting at the wrist. It was a shallow cut and would begin to heal quickly. That was what Remus wanted-to reopen the wound and watch it bleed afresh.
Remus suddenly felt a shock of pain in his arm. He stared at the cut, dumbfounded. It actually hurt this time. The pain came again, and he realized it made him feel much more relaxed. This thin cut worked much better than all the slashes on his palm had done; he immediately felt lighter, more alive. It was an adrenaline rush.
Remus cleaned the blade lovingly and replaced it on his shelf. He left his CMC book sitting on his bedside table where it had been since the night before and opened the dormitory door. He was halfway down the stairs when he heard the song again. Jesse was still there, and singing as before. Instead of feeling angry, Remus was calmed. His release of emotion upstairs had gotten rid of his anger at Jesse, too, and he found he was willing to talk to her again. He made his way down the rest of the steps and joined her by the window for the second time.
"I'm sorry I yelled again," he said calmly. Jesse shrugged. She's stopped singing when he pushed aside the curtain, as though embarrassed that he should hear her. "I don't really know why I always lose my temper with you," he continued. "I'm usually pretty mellow, as far as I know. I don't even get pissed at Sirius that much."
"Thanks, that makes me feel much better," Jesse said shortly. Remus was taken aback. Suddenly, they seemed to have switched places. Now he was trying to make civil conversation, and she was being waspish. He propped his right elbow on his raised knee and let the hand hang down so that he could twiddle with his wand. He felt a trickle along his arm and realized his cut was still bleeding a little. Before he could turn his arm up, a drop of blood fell onto the cushion for the window seat.
Jesse saw the droplet fall out of the corner of her eye.
"You're bleeding!" she cried out, taking Remus' wrist in her hand. He tried to tear it away, but she hung on tenaciously and pulled up his sleeve. "Remus, what on earth happened to you?" she asked, inspecting the cut. He finally managed to tear his arm away from her grasp and recover it.
"That's my business alone," he hissed. As Jesse called for him to come back, Remus turned and strode from the room. He left his book bag in the portrait hole and wandered in the general direction of the library. At least there he wouldn't be punished for being out of class-he could simply say he was doing research for something.
By the time Remus reached the library, the bell signaling the start of lunch had rung anyway. He considered turning and going to the Great Hall, but that would mean facing his friends and Jesse. He didn't feel like explaining where he'd been the whole class period.
The library was empty, as he'd expected and hoped. Remus wandered among the bookshelves, reading a few titles here and there, but found nothing interesting. His hands were in his pockets, and he could still feel blood trickling down his arm.
He turned to start up the next aisle and realized he wasn't alone, after all. None other than Alyssa Mant was sitting in the corner, curled around a large tome in her lap. She looked up and smiled as he approached.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked sweetly, setting the book aside and stretching her legs. Remus caught a glimpse of the heart carved into her ankle.
"Don't really want to be with a lot of people," he said with a shrug. "I'm not really hungry, anyway." Alyssa nodded her agreement and looked around.
"I know just how you feel. Sometimes you just want to be in a place like this, where it's totally silent and it smells like old dust." She laughed lightly. "It's too bad you're not in my house-we have so much in common, but we never get to see each other." Remus nodded and, in a moment of daring, took her hand.
"We should arrange to get together more," he suggested in what he hoped was a casual voice. Alyssa nodded and leaned forward to kiss him lightly.
"You're bleeding," she whispered, holding his gaze with her deep black eyes. He nodded, wondering briefly how she knew. She held up the hand she was holding and pulled back the sleeve of his robe to reveal the shallow cut. "Not much of a cut, for all it's bleeding still," she said casually. She ran a finger along the cut, sending a shiver of pain up Remus' arm, and nonchalantly licked her finger. Remus stared at her, eyes wide, but looked away quickly for fear of seeming rude. He instead focused his attention on his cut, which was, in fact, still bleeding as much as it had been when new.
"Huh, I thought it would have started to close up by now," he commented. Alyssa placed a slender finger under his chin and tilted it up so he was facing her. She kissed him again without any warning. When she pulled back, she licked her lips.
"Taste that?" she asked with a smile. He nodded, feeling a bit strange. "Isn't it lovely?" she said airily, more to herself than to him. He nodded again just to please her, but he was actually beginning to feel sick. He glanced at the clock on the wall.
"I'd better get going if I want to have any lunch before the food all disappears," Remus said casually, standing up.
"Good idea, I'll go with you!" Alyssa said cheerily, hopping up from the floor as well. She took his hand, but he released it to scratch his ear.
"No, don't bother. I've got to get my books out of the common room first. I'll just see you down there, shall I?" He summoned a smile and was rewarded with the same from Alyssa.
"Okay, see you at lunch." She took off ahead of him and waved over her shoulder. As she turned the corner, he thought he saw her lick her lips and laugh.
Remus jogged to the nearest bathroom, which was thankfully nearby, and burst inside. He leaned over the only toilet and emptied his breakfast into the bowl. He sat for a few minutes afterward, kneeling in front of the toilet with his eyes closed and chiding himself for becoming so sick over such a silly thing... So she'd licked some of his blood off her finger. Was it really that bad?
No, it was the realization that came with it...
He shook his head as hard as he dared and scolded himself for thinking such thoughts. With a sigh, Remus stood on shaky knees. He wiped blood that had dripped down his arm off the toilet seat, threw the square of red- stained toilet paper into the toilet, and flushed the lot. He went to the sink and washed his face with cool, clear water. Pulling his sleeve back, he dabbed at some of the blood that still ran down his arm in tiny trickles. The towel soaked up the blood, but didn't stem the flow.
Making sure he didn't look too terrible, Remus left the bathroom and headed for the Great Hall. He wasn't sure he could eat anything at the moment, but he figured his friends would get upset if he skipped the meal entirely.
The hall was almost empty when Remus got there, but all his friends (not Jesse, to his relief) were still sitting at the Gryffindor table. He greeted them as heartily as he could manage, but Sirius was not to be fooled.
"You look sick, Moony," he said immediately.
"And good day to you, too," joked Remus. Sirius would not be swayed.
"What's wrong?" he asked as if Remus had not said anything. Remus shrugged.
"Nothing, I feel fine." He looked around at the food, all of which made him want to throw up again, and picked up a sandwich. He knew Sirius would be on his case all afternoon if he didn't eat something now. But the first bite of the sandwich tasted horribly like blood, and Remus put it down in disgust.
"Remus, you're bleeding again." He snapped his head up to see Lily looking at him, concern shining in her eyes. Her hand shook as she reached across the table to grab Remus' fingers and pull them back to get a better view. He twisted out of her reach and picked up the sandwich again.
"Don't be ridiculous," he told her angrily, angling his arm upward so the blood would drip to his elbow and not his wrist. But this proved to be a mistake: his sleeve fell below his wrist and exposed the top of the cut to everyone. Sirius, who'd been watching him carefully since he'd arrived, grabbed his wrist firmly and pulled it towards him. He pushed Remus' sleeve out of the way and took one glance at the cut before releasing his friend's hand.
"You made me a promise," he said in a low voice as he stood up from the table. Remus found the excuses he'd made for himself sounded flimsy and childish now. He watched Sirius go without saying a word.
Sirius strode from the Great Hall, trying to keep his hands from shaking. He didn't think he'd ever been so furious; that a friend would break a promise, betray him and deceive him... It was unforgivable. He jammed his hands into his pockets to hide them from the Slytherins and tried to look calm and normal as he shoved the door open with his shoulder.
The entrance hall was empty, to Sirius' relief. He slowed his pace and took a few shaky breaths, then began to walk upstairs. Perhaps sitting by the fire in the common room for a while would calm him down. On the way, he passed a couple talking quietly behind a suit of armor. He peered out of the corner of his eye as he walked by and recognized Alyssa Mant and Severus Snape. Alyssa was kissing Snape's neck tenderly and rubbing his shoulders. Sickened, Sirius turned away and quickened his pace.
The Fat Lady glared at him as he approached; he supposed this was because he'd charmed her to have a high, squeaky voice for the entire month of March last school year. He wasn't in the mood to banter with the portrait, so he uttered the password and crawled through the portrait hole, ignoring the book bag that someone had stupidly left in his way.
The first thing he heard upon entering the common room was a soft voice singing a song he didn't recognize. He tiptoed towards the voice and located the singer in an alcove separated from the room by a shimmery white curtain. Sirius pushed back the curtain and was surprised to see Jesse sitting on the window seat. She stopped singing as soon as she saw him and blushed furiously.
"What's up?" he asked casually, sitting next to her on the window seat. Jesse shrugged. After a moment's silence, she turned suddenly and collapsed on Sirius' shoulder, crying her heart out. Sirius wrapped his arms around her instinctively, but was taken quite by surprise. When she'd calmed down some, she sat up again and wiped her puffy eyes.
"Oh, Sirius! I just don't know what to do anymore!" she wailed between sobs. "I missed two classes already today, and it's only my first week of school! Plus, my mother's getting sick again, and Remus is mad at me all the time-and I feel awful about telling you this, but I need to get it off my chest, but I think he's hurting himself!" Jesse collapsed into tears again.
"Quiet, Jesse," Sirius said sternly. He found it was often better to be strict in these situations-it made the other person feel like someone was in control of their problems. "I already knew about Remus, so you don't need to feel guilty. As for school, I have complete faith in your academic abilities. You'll have no problem making up a few missed assignments." He paused. "And your mum, well, if she's been sick before, then I'm sure she'll get over this one like the other times." A ghost of a smile passed over Jesse's lips.
"Thanks for trying, but she's not going to get better. It's a debilitating disease, and she may not live to see Christmas." Sirius looked at her in shock.
"But that's not even a month away!" Jesse nodded.
"It's possible she'll surprise the doctors again-they've been predicting her death for almost a year now. But looking at her..." The girl shrugged. "I'm kind of starting to think they're right." Sirius snapped out of his shock enough to give Jesse a big hug. She leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Thanks for being here, Sirius," she said softly. "You're like the big brother I've always wanted." Sirius was surprised by this at first; he'd never been anything like a brother to girls before-they always either became infatuated with him or hated his arrogant guts. But upon thinking about it, he realized Jesse was more like family than anything else-much like Lily. He sighed contentedly and stretched out along the window seat. Jesse leaned back against the wall facing him and closed her eyes. It was then that Sirius noticed her split lip.
"What happened?" he asked immediately, sitting up to inspect her lip more closely. "I'll bet it was those damned Slytherins." Jesse laughed at the anger in his voice.
"No, it's not the Slytherins."
"Who's been beating you up then?" She opened one eye and looked him up and down.
"I hardly think a split lip shows that I'm being 'beat up,'" she said defensively. "And I can take care of my own problems, thank you very much." Sirius gave her a mock glare.
"Hey, if I'm gonna be your big brother, I can't sit by and watch you get pummeled. Who's the jerk?" Jesse raised an eyebrow.
"Alright then, if you must know, it was Remus." Sirius' jaw dropped.
"Remus? Remus Lupin?" he asked incredulously. "I swear, there's something wrong with that kid lately. He can't just go around losing his temper like this!" Sirius growled. "I'm gonna have to have a talk with him..."
"Please don't make him any more stressed out than he already is," Jesse said suddenly, an odd look in her eyes. "I don't know what I did to make him so angry, but I don't need you going and getting in a fight with him. He needs his friends right now, I think." Sirius was silent for a moment.
"Well," he said slowly, thinking of the event at lunch, "he's not doing a very good job of keeping them." Jesse sighed.
"I just wish he'd talk to me. I know I can fix things! But not unless I know what needs fixing." Sirius nodded.
"Remus is like that," he explained. "Sometimes I think he should be 'Moody,' not Moony." Jesse laughed lightly and stared at her hands.
"Well, I hope he gets over it eventually. At this rate, we're going to go home for the summer still mad at each other!"
James stared blankly at his glass of pumpkin juice, trying to get up the courage to say something. The table had been uncharacteristically quiet since Sirius had walked off. He, and everyone else sitting there in silence, was starting to feel very uncomfortable.
But the words that finally burst from his mouth were not the ones he'd expected-or wanted.
"Aren't you going to eat that?" he asked, indicating the hardly touched sandwich in Remus' hand. The boy made an exasperated noise and tossed it down onto his plate.
"Hell no." He stared up at the ceiling and leaned his chin on his hand.
"You feeling okay?" James asked, again wishing he hadn't said anything at all. Remus hated being mothered.
"No, I'm not, thanks," Remus snapped. There was another long silence. Peter picked at the food on his plate, having lost his appetite. Lily looked very upset at having started the whole thing. James put a comforting hand on hers and was rewarded with a smile and a soft word. Remus stared at their joined hands for a moment, then stood up, thinking of Alyssa. He had said he'd meet her at lunch, and had up until now ignored the promise.
"I think I'm going to go to class now," he lied, looking around for his book bag. Realizing he'd left it in the portrait hole, Remus cursed softly and left without another word. James and Lily looked at each other, alarmed.
"Did we offend him somehow?" Lily asked worriedly. Peter snickered.
"No, of course not," he said as he tore his sandwich in half. "You made him think about Alyssa-he's probably off to find her now." Lily looked blank. "I saw them walking around like a regular couple the other day," Peter explained.
"Alyssa-Alyssa Mant?" she asked carefully.
"Yep," James informed her proudly. "Our boy's finally got up the courage to talk to her, I guess."
"But she already has a boyfriend!" Lily exclaimed. "I'm surprised you didn't know-she's been dating Severus Snape for the past month and a half!" James and Peter stared at her, open-mouthed.
"That would explain why he hasn't been bothering us for a good long time..." James muttered, but Peter shook his head.
"That can't be right," he said firmly. "She must have dumped Sevvie-poo for Moony. There's just no other explanation."
"I'm afraid there is, Peter," Lily said apologetically. "Alyssa's widely known among the girls as a kind of..." She looked around carefully. "Harlot," she whispered. James chuckled at her; no matter who she was talking about, Lily always felt guilty about saying bad things about other people.
"But Remus doesn't like those kinds of people!" Peter claimed indignantly.
"All guys do," James corrected him firmly. Then, at a look from Lily, "Except me, of course. I'm above that." He winked at Peter and got a punch in the arm from Lily. "Don't worry, sweets, I'd never cheat on you," he assured her, running a hand through his hair. Peter groaned and focused on his food when Lily leaned forward to kiss her boyfriend tenderly.
"I know you wouldn't," she whispered lovingly. Her eyes narrowed. "It's that Alyssa girl I'm worried about."
