Chapter Five
A Sudden Death
Remus crossed the Great Hall, hands deep in his pockets and shoulders hunched. He didn't know why, but the prospect of seeing Alyssa again was not particularly welcoming. There was something about her he didn't like. . .
But that was preposterous! The girl was pretty, charming, and usually cheerful. She was smart, to say the least, and had lots of friends-which proved she was nice, and loyal to some extent. She was excellent in all classes except DADA, which Remus heard she was terrible at and generally hated. Plus, she seemed to like Remus as much as he had liked her. . .
Had liked her? What was that supposed to mean? That he didn't anymore? He shook his head again and looked around the Great Hall one last time, looking for her pretty blonde head, but couldn't spot her at any of the tables. She'd agreed to see him at lunch, and where was he expected to look for her if not in the Great Hall?
Maybe she waited for me so long, she just left without coming to find me, Remus thought. It was certainly a possibility. Not wanting to search all over the school for her and risk being late for History of Magic, he decided to look for her in the library, where he'd last seen her. It was close to the history room anyway.
Walking quickly up the stairs and towards the Gryffindor tower, which was on the way to the library, Remus almost passed the couple behind the suit of armor without noticing them. Then he heard Alyssa's familiar light laugh and turned around in surprise. His jaw dropped when he saw her lean in to kiss Severus Snape, her slender fingers in his greasy hair. Not sure whether he was more angry or disgusted, Remus turned away quickly and half- jogged to the Gryffindor tower. Let them have their moment, he thought bitterly.
"Troll's leg," he muttered. The Fat Lady swung open with a smile. The password had been changed in anticipation of the new month. Strange as it seemed to Remus, December was almost upon them.
Remus crawled through the portrait hole, picking up his bag along the way. He was surprised to hear soft voices and the sound of someone crying; passing the curtained window seat, he realized who it must be and continued on his way. The stairs creaked as he mounted them towards his dorm room, but the occupants of the window seat did not seem to notice. Remus made it upstairs and to his bed without attracting any unwanted attention.
As soon as he was alone, Remus' thoughts drifted to Alyssa Mant and Severus Snape. So he wasn't enough for her? Perhaps she'd been using him to get Snape, as many girls seemed to think it was okay to do. He thought painfully of his first girlfriend, Daisy Parkinson. She'd seemed to really like him last year, and he'd thought that perhaps he could have a normal life after all. . .
But she'd been after Lucius Malfoy, a seventh-year and very popular among the Slytherins. A Slytherin herself, Daisy had been willing to use any means necessary to reach her goal. Her goal had been Lucius, and her means had been Remus.
He shook thoughts of Daisy out of his head. Despite how she'd hurt him, Remus still thought of her as a pretty, smart, funny girl who was usually very kind and unlike a Slytherin. If not for the way she'd used him. . .
Which brought him back to Alyssa. Had she really been following Daisy's example? Remus doubted this suddenly; it was hard to imagine Snape being picky enough to make a girl resort to such methods. It was hard to imagine a girl resorting to any methods for Severus Snape.
So why was she cheating on him?
Or could he even call it cheating? They'd never actually said anything about that. Maybe Alyssa saw him as just a fling. Or maybe she was cheating on Snape with him. That thought made him shudder; he didn't need Snape hating him more than he already did-plus, the idea that the person who liked him, also liked Snape, was just creepy.
Remus realized with a start that he was holding the knife again. Since Sirius' first outburst, it had started to scare him a bit how much he depended on the comfort and relaxation this small weapon offered. He often slept with it curled in his palm, liking how cool and smooth it was even when the blade was folded in. Now he was holding it without even remembering getting it down from the shelf. It was warm from his hand, but when he flipped open the blade, the sharp edge was cool.
Was Alyssa simply not satisfied with him anymore? Perhaps she thought him wimpy for making such small, insignificant cuts. He remembered the large scars she bore from her own obsession with the disturbing practice and wondered if he'd just guessed it. She must think him naïve, a regular neophyte in the way of self-mutilation. She must have thought it was cute at first, like girls seemed to do, but now she was bored with him and his cowardliness.
For surely, only a coward would make such tiny scrapes. Someone with real guts, who really cared about what he was doing, wouldn't be afraid of a bit of pain. A pinprick such as what Remus felt must seem puny when compared to the pain of a real injury.
Remus closed the blade. No. He'd promised Sirius he would stop, and look where breaking that promise had got him. The blade clicked into place when he opened it again.
But Sirius would simply have to get used to this new habit. Remus could do what he wished with his life, and who was Sirius to stop him? The sharp edge grazed Remus' fingers when it slipped into its slot in the handle.
A promise was a promise. Sirius was his friend, and wanted only the best for him. Light glinted off the blade. It was open again, though Remus hadn't remembered forcing it that way.
Think of Alyssa! he told himself. What would she think if she knew he was being such a wimp? He closed the blade with a snap.
Alyssa was cheating on him. He couldn't make his decisions based on her. The blade lay open in his hand again.
If he wanted to win her back, he had to go through with this. He had to prove he was stronger than Snape. Had to prove he really wanted her back.
A small voice in the back of his head chided him: but do you want her back? She grossed you out today, she's cheating on you with the guy you hate most in the school, and there's that feeling about her that you just can't stand. . . Remus ignored the voice and pulled back his sleeve. Of course he wanted her. . . He was startled slightly to note that the shallow cut on his arm was still bleeding as much as it had been when fresh. Ignoring the small worry that crept into his brain, he placed the knife against his skin and pressed down hard, pushing against the resistance and biting his lip against the pain. Blood began to drip heavily down his arm as he dragged the knife down his arm, following the same cut from before. It ran over the blood that had dried over the course of the day and spread onto his sheets. Remus was vaguely surprised at how much there was, but he didn't think about it much-he was too focused on the pain that burned along his arm.
When he pulled the knife out of his wound and wiped it on the sheets, he noticed tears stinging at his eyes. He wiped them away angrily; what did it mean to cut himself if he was going to cry about it? So much for proving himself to be not a wimp. . . But Alyssa didn't need to know about his nearly-shed tears. She would only see the cut, the gaping wound, and would leave Snape in the dust as she turned to embrace Remus. . .but her face changed as she drew nearer to him. Her eyes became dazzling blue, her strikingly pale skin took on a bronze hue-
The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, startling Remus out of his reverie. He jumped up, placed the knife on his shelf, grabbed his books, and ran for the door. He paused in the bathroom long enough to grab a paper towel, then ran for the portrait hole. Sirius and Jesse were about to climb through it when he got there. Sirius glanced at the paper towel clutched in his hand, narrowed his eyes, and crawled through the portrait hole without a word. Jesse shrugged and threw Remus a helpless glance, then followed suit. Ignoring both of them, Remus clambered in after her.
The three barely made it to History of Magic on time. Professor Binns was already there, sitting behind his desk and watching the class file in. He was an old man, tiny and wrinkled like Professor Flitwick, but there the similarities stopped. Binns was quiet and subdued and not at all excited about his subject. He generally lectured the whole class period and assigned dreadfully long essays for homework. All the students disliked his class, but at least he didn't take points from anyone. Nor did he dish them out, but one couldn't have everything.
The professor was uncannily still today as the class took their seats to the sound of the bell. He watched them lazily, not even blinking his half- closed eyes when the bell rang loudly in everyone's ears. When the students had settled down, he stood up.
Or at least, something that looked like him did.
Two girls screamed, Lily gasped and looked like she was going to faint, James raised his eyebrows, and Sirius laughed out loud. The professor looked around angrily.
"What's this commotion?" he asked in his usual drone, focusing his eyes on Sirius, who was shaking silently in his chair. A boy sitting in the front row pointed a shaky finger at the professor, who looked himself up and down, obviously confused. He raised his eyebrows.
"Oh," he said softly, turning around to look behind him. There sat his body, unmoved, in the chair behind his desk. He, a silvery-white ghost, stood facing the class. "I wondered when that was going to happen." Professor Binns' ghost turned back to his class. "Well, no matter," he said lightly, looking almost happy for an instant. "Will everyone get out a piece of parchment and a quill for taking notes, please?" The students looked at each other, horrified. He was still going to teach? "Move along now, please, we've wasted enough time as it is." Sirius had finally calmed down some, but at these words, he burst into peals of laughter again. His chair tipped over backwards and deposited him on the floor, but this only made him laugh harder.
"Mr. Black!" the professor's ghost said sternly. "If you will please control yourself and do as I have said!" Sirius took a few deep breaths, nodded, and got out his note-taking materials. It was the first time he'd been the first student to follow a teacher's directions. The professor looked at the rest of the class menacingly. "Please follow Mr. Black's example." James grinned and winked at Sirius, then burst out laughing, knocked his chair over, and laughed even harder. Binns' ghostly face was contorted with rage. It was the angriest they'd ever seen him-almost as if he was more human now that he was dead.
"Mr. Potter!" he fairly yelled. "You knew exactly what I meant, now please follow my instructions in a less literal way!" James calmed himself down and took out the necessary materials, feeling that the joke had run its course anyway. The rest of the class finally followed suit, slightly afraid of the ghost teacher's anger. Once they were all ready, Professor Binns' ghost attempted to sit down in his chair again-but he fell through his own corpse and the chair, only just managing to catch himself before falling through the floor. Sirius was cracking up again.
"Well, that was an interesting experience," Sirius announced as he left the History of Magic classroom with his friends. "Although I must say-being taught by Professor Binns' ghost is no more interesting than being taught by the good man, himself." Jesse shot him a withering look.
"Of course not," James said. "He's still Professor Binns, even though he's dead."
"James!" Lily exclaimed, appalled. He looked at her innocently.
"What? It's only the truth." She glared at him momentarily.
"It still isn't polite." Sirius chuckled.
"Since when is James ever polite?" he muttered loudly. James whacked him in the back of the head with his history book. "Hey!" Sirius yelled, too late to dodge the blow. "See what I mean?"
Everyone laughed except Remus, who was trailing along behind the group, not sure if he was wanted or not. He'd fastened the paper towel around his arm with a spell at the beginning of class, and he could feel that the absorbent paper was already soaked. When they all turned the corner, headed for Transfiguration, Remus ducked into a nearby bathroom to inspect the damage.
But he found that he couldn't do anything of the sort. Already in the restroom was none other than Severus Snape. Remus had to settle with washing his hands and pretending to check his hair before leaving again, not wishing to be late for McGonagall's class.
The whole class was still talking about Binns' sudden death when the bell rang and Remus slipped into the room. The Gryffindors, who shared history with the Hufflepuffs, were excitedly explaining the events to the Ravenclaws, who mostly seemed amused. Professor McGonagall had quite a time quieting them all down, and that was a first for the strict teacher.
"Now, honestly!" she finally yelled, ending the last of the chatter. "What could possibly be so interesting to all of you?" As if on cue, the whole class started to talk again, most of them Gryffindors yelling explanations to the professor. She held up a hand. "One at a time!" she yelled above the flow of words. "I can't hear you all at once!" Sirius stood up, a grin on his face.
"I'll explain, professor, if you please," he offered. The rest of the class exchanged grins, anticipating some brilliant portrayal of the man's death, but they were disappointed.
"No, Mr. Black, you'll sit down. I'd like someone more reliable to tell me this fascinating story." She looked around the room as Sirius sat down, discouraged. "Ms. Mant," she called out. "Would you please explain to me what is going on?" The blonde looked momentarily perplexed, then admitted,
"I actually don't know, really. I wasn't present at the time-I suggest you ask a Gryffindor if you really want to know." McGonagall nodded and shifted her gaze to the person sitting across the aisle from Alyssa.
"Alright, then, Mr. Lupin, you seem to be somewhat more responsible than your friends-" she shot Sirius a look, "-why don't you fill me in." Remus looked up, startled, and felt his face go red.
"Actually, I don't really know what's going on, either," he mumbled, staring at his hands. He'd heard the conversations and rumors flying around, but hadn't been paying enough attention to comprehend what was being said. And all through History of Magic, he'd been staring at his parchment, doodling various things and occasionally wiping blood off his hand.
McGonagall was looking a bit flustered now-and, despite herself, curious. The Gryffindors were staring at Remus as though he was mad, and Sirius, sitting next to him, hadn't noticed that his mouth was hanging open.
"Well, then!" the professor said, looking around the room. "Ms. Evans! Please explain what everyone is so excited about!" McGonagall looked as if she'd hex her if she didn't do as asked, so Lily cleared her throat.
"We-that is, the other Gryffindors and I-just came from History of Magic with Professor Binns." There were snickers from a few of the Gryffindors.
"I know who my fellow teachers are, Ms. Evans. Please try not to waste class time." Lily got rather red in the face.
"Well, I'm not sure you do know who's teaching that class now, Professor," she said calmly. "Professor Binns died in class today. I'm sure he'll be replaced soon enough." To the students' dismay, McGonagall did not seem at all perturbed by this news.
"Oh, is that all? Honestly, such a fuss. . . Please take out your wands and open your books to page 113. Today we will be studying-"
"Wait a sec, Professor!" a Ravenclaw boy called out. "What about Professor Binns?" McGonagall looked at him blankly for a moment.
"What about him?" she asked impatiently.
"Well, who's gonna replace him?" James elaborated. McGonagall frowned.
"No one, of course. He'll continue teaching as he always has." The students looked at each other in surprise and disappointment.
"But he's dead!" someone whispered. Professor McGonagall heard her.
"Yes, Ms. Fletcher, he is. But his ghost seems perfectly capable of teaching, as none of you blew up his classroom after he died." She looked pointedly at James and Sirius. James grinned and turned to his friend.
"Darn, why didn't we think of that?" he whispered. But Sirius wasn't really listening. He was glaring furiously at his desk, occasionally shooting angry glances at Remus. James looked at him in surprise, but didn't say anything.
"Now, if you will please take out your books!" McGonagall said loudly. Everyone did so, even Remus and Sirius. "We've wasted too much time to actually try out this spell, so you can put your wands away. Open your books to page 113 and read the section!" With that, she sat down in her seat. To James' slight disappointment, she didn't fall through it and onto the floor.
Dinner was a loud event that evening. James was happily telling the rest of the Quidditch team, none of which were fifth-years, what had happened in history. Lily chimed in once in a while and Peter listened with a little grin on his face, but Sirius and Remus were subdued and silent. Remus kept his right hand in his pocket so no one would see his bleeding arm and ate uncomfortably with his non-dominant left. Sirius noticed this, but said nothing. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on. It all fit together quite nicely: Remus had probably left during lunch to perform the sickening ritual, then had run to History of Magic with his arm hurting. This probably wouldn't have kept him from noticing his teacher's death, so there was probably something else on his mind as well.
He'd done a sloppy job in keeping the information from Sirius, though. Usually he at least tried to act normal so as to not attract attention to himself. He was lucky today-Binns' death had kept everyone occupied. Sirius glared at his stew and poked a piece of tender beef. The aromas from the meal made his mouth water, but he felt nauseated just thinking about eating. He played absently with his food and occasionally glared at Remus. The werewolf was eating normally again; in fact, he seemed to be quite hungry.
Yeah, I bet all that cutting really works up your appetite, Sirius thought bitterly, watching Remus spoon more potatoes onto his plate. He felt a light touch on his shoulder and looked up to see Jesse, who was sitting next to him, looking at him knowingly. She looked to Remus and back, and Sirius nodded. Jesse's face fell.
"You have to talk to him," she whispered. "I think it's only going to get worse." Sirius shrugged and looked back to the food in front of him. He took a bite as an excuse not to talk and chewed the savory meat slowly, looking around the Great Hall. He glared at Alyssa Mant when he saw her, disgusted with what he'd seen earlier. James, sitting next to him on the other side, had finished with his tale and now followed his friend's gaze.
"Yeah, she's got some nerve, eh?" he commented before taking a bite of green beans.
"She can go out with Snape if she wants, I guess-it's her hands getting greasy," Sirius said with a shudder.
"So she is going out with him, then?" James asked softly, shooting a glance across the table. Remus was focused on his food and hadn't heard anything; James wanted to keep it that way.
Sirius glanced at him, confused. "Isn't that what you were just talking about?" he asked, staring back at Alyssa's blonde head. James shrugged.
"Not exactly. I don't care who she dates and who she doesn't-but cheating is another story." Sirius raised an eyebrow and met his friend's eyes, his curiosity peaked despite himself.
"Cheating? I wouldn't blame her if she's only got Snape. . ." he said with a sneer. James was looking at him oddly.
"That's right. . ." he muttered. "I guess we forgot to tell you-she's been cheating on Remus with Snape-or, I suppose, the other way around." Sirius stared at James, incredulous.
"What?!" he hissed. James nodded.
"Yeah, and according to Lily, this is normal behavior for her. She's kind of a whore-even Lily admitted it."
"And Peter saw her with Remus. . ." Sirius trailed off, remembering the night he'd apologized to Moony, and what Peter had said. He clenched his fist and banged the table, all earlier anger at Remus forgotten. "Damn her!" he growled, attracting the attention of Peter, who was next to Remus, and Lily from next to James.
"What's he pissy about now?" Peter asked with a smirk. Sirius shot him a warning glare, and Wormtail shrank slightly in his seat. James was quietly explaining to Lily, who gave Peter a meaningful look and nodded almost imperceptibly towards Remus. Peter shrugged. "What's new?" he muttered. Sirius glared at him again; he knew he'd been angry with Remus a lot lately, but this time he was pissed off for his friend, not because of him. Jesse squeezed his shoulder gently; he turned around, having forgotten she was there. She certainly was quieter than she had been when she'd first met them.
"He can handle it himself, Sirius," she assured him in a whisper. "You know he'll only get mad if you try to handle his problems for him." Sirius nodded, glanced at Remus, and took another bite of stew. Sick as he might feel at the moment, he knew he'd be hungry later if he didn't eat something.
After dinner, Remus slipped away from the group to find Alyssa before she could leave the Great Hall. He found her still at the Ravenclaw table, gathering her things as she prepared to leave. Remus didn't notice Snape smirk as he left the room, nor did he see Sirius turn around at the door.
"Where's Moony?" Sirius asked when they were almost at the door. He turned and looked around, then spotted his friend standing by Alyssa Mant at the Ravenclaw table. His fist clenched and a muscle in his face twitched. "That's it, I'm telling him now," he muttered as he strode towards the table. Someone grabbed his wrist with surprising strength. He looked around to see Jesse shaking her head at him.
"You don't know why he's there," she said sternly. "What if he already knows? You'll just offend him by mothering him, and it will have been for no reason, besides." Sirius considered this, then shook his head.
"But what if he doesn't know? It's not worth it to take that chance." Jesse gave him an appraising look.
"Honestly, I thought you were smarter than that. How much is it really going to help for him to be told now, rather than later? How much less will it actually hurt?" She tugged his arm gently. "Come on, let's just go up to the common room. We can wait for him there, if you like."
Remus saw none of the exchange; he was watching Alyssa gather her books and shove them in her bag. She'd been reading a novel while eating, and she was careful to mark the page before sticking it into her book bag. She stood up, swung her bag over her shoulder, and flipped her hair out of her face. She turned to leave, then saw Remus.
"Oh!" she said, surprise evident on her face. "I didn't see you there." Remus smiled faintly. That had been the idea.
"Can we talk?" he asked casually. She hesitated.
"Okay, but let's walk as we do. I've got to get to the library before it closes." Remus agreed and they walked out of the Great Hall. It wasn't until they were halfway up the marble staircase that Remus spoke.
"I skipped most of lunch today," he began, already feeling uncomfortable. Alyssa looked at him sideways.
"That's nice. . ."
"I went up to the Gryffindor tower instead, just to think about things." They walked past the spot Remus had seen her kissing Snape. The mental image made him shudder. "I thought about some pretty upsetting stuff. . ." he trailed off, unconsciously putting a hand to his bleeding arm. Alyssa stopped when she saw the movement and pulled him against the wall, behind that same suit of armor. She pulled up his sleeve and smiled at the blood running down his arm. She pulled his arm up and kissed the bleeding wound lightly. Remus shuddered and turned his head away. He felt a hand on his chin, turning him back to face her. She was right in front of him, as she had been that day by the lake. Before he could stop her or pull away, she kissed him passionately. Her touch was anything but gentle; she put her hands in his hair and pulled him forward, trying to deepen the kiss.
Remus pushed her away, the taste of his own blood on his lips. He stared at her in disgust.
"I saw you kissing Snape today," he blurted out. Alyssa looked mildly surprised.
"Is that so?"
"Y-yes," he stammered, his vision swimming. He felt like he was about to throw up. Controlling himself, he continued. "That's not okay with me," he managed to say with some conviction. "It wouldn't even be okay if it had been someone other than Snape, though it scares me that you can find something to like in both of us. . ." Alyssa laughed.
"If it makes you feel any better, I like him for. . .for him, but I only like you for this." She pressed a slender finger to his bleeding arm, pushing her manicured nail against the cut. Remus felt as if he's just been slapped.
"No, that doesn't make me feel better!" he yelled, pulling his arm away and covering it with his sleeve. "How would that make me feel good at all?!" Alyssa laughed again.
"Don't worry, it doesn't mean you don't mean as much to me as he does. I just want you for different things." She leaned forward and put her arms around his waist, placing her lips against his neck. She kissed a trail from the collar of his shirt to the hollow where his jaw joined his ear. There she paused and inhaled deeply. Remus shuddered and pushed her away.
"I'm sorry you aren't satisfied with just one of us, but you'll just have to settle for what you can get," he muttered, then turned and walked away. When he was sure he was out of sight, he ran the rest of the way to the Gryffindor portrait hole. "Troll's leg!" he gasped. As if sensing his urgency, the Fat Lady swung forward without comment. Remus launched himself through the portrait hole and ran through the room, not even noticing the two people sitting on the couch in front of the fire. He ran up the stairs to the landing between the fifth- and sixth-year dorms and dashed into the bathroom. Almost before he could kneel in front of the toilet, he relaxed his jaw, which he'd had clenched shut, and threw up his dinner as he had his lunch.
Sirius and Jesse said good night to the others, then settled onto the couch to wait for Remus as promised. They watched the fire in silence, expecting a long wait. But after only about five minutes, the portrait hole opened and Remus ran in. Without sparing them a glance, he dashed upstairs and into the bathroom on the landing. There was the unmistakable sound of retching, and Sirius looked at Jesse in alarm. Silence prevailed again, until a few minutes later, when Remus opened the door and stumbled out looking very ill. Sirius jumped to his feet, color rising in his cheeks.
"So is that why you were so hungry at dinner today?!" he yelled accusingly. Remus stared at him in surprise, having not noticed him before. "Have you been throwing up your meals every night?" There was a moment's silence, in which Jesse tried to pull Sirius back onto the couch. He shook her off.
"What? No-I mean, yes, today I did, but-" Remus was cut off by a triumphant "aha!" from Sirius.
"I knew it! Cutting wasn't enough for you, was it? You just had to torture yourself some other way, stress out all your friends even more by starving yourself!"
"Bulimia is generally more common in girls, Sirius," Jesse said, hoping to break the tension with a joke. But Sirius had never heard of the Muggle name for the disease and ignored her.
"I'm not bulimic," Remus told her firmly. "I just threw up today, I felt sick-"
"Yeah, from loss of blood!" Sirius interrupted. Remus glared at him, but felt too sick to get into the fight.
"For Pete's sake, Sirius," he said with a shake of his head. "Can't a guy talk?"
"So now he wants to talk. . ." Jesse murmured, not intending for Remus to hear. But his sensitive ears picked up the comment.
"Don't you start with me, Jess," he scolded. She was relieved that he didn't go any further than that. "Sirius, I'm telling you the truth-or trying to. I only threw up today. I'm feeling sick, and that's what people do when they're sick."
"Shut up, Moody," Sirius scoffed. "I've only thrown up twice in my life." Remus raised his eyebrows.
"'Moody?'" he repeated. Sirius swallowed nervously; he hadn't meant to say that name out loud.
"Moony, I meant Moony," he muttered, but the damage was done.
"So that's how you see me? As a hormonal, moody teenager?" Remus said softly, his anger apparent on his face, though it was absent from his voice.
"No, Remus, of course not," Sirius tried to tell him, but Remus talked over him.
"I'm sorry if I've been a little stressed out lately," he growled sarcastically. "Of course I'm overreacting to everything! Y'know, what with changing in the common room, getting whacked over the head with an iron rod. Then, of course, there's the usual-making up Potions and CMC in my spare time, dreaming constantly about my brother's death, and being cheated on by a vampire." He smiled grimly. "No, my life's pretty simple right now." With that, he stalked off to the dorm room, leaving Sirius and Jesse speechless.
"Oh, my God, I had no idea. . ." Jesse murmured, placing a hand to her mouth and staring unseeing into the fire. Sirius nodded.
"I know. . .who would've guessed that Alyssa was a vampire?" he whispered incredulously, perching on the edge of the couch and leaning his chin on his hands.
"No, I meant-" Jesse stopped, shaking her head.
"What?"
"It's just. . .I didn't know he still thought about his brother. I guess it's unavoidable, but I can see how anyone would be stressed out by that." Sirius looked at her curiously.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked. She looked at him sharply.
"You mean. . .he's never told you?" she whispered. Sirius shrugged.
"Yeah, he's told us that his brother died, but so did my mom. I don't dream about her." Not much, he corrected himself silently. But Jesse didn't need to know that.
"Oh my goodness. . .I thought he'd have told you all by now. I mean, because you're so close and all." She sighed. "I guess he really is kind of quiet about some things, huh?" Sirius nodded.
"Well, yeah. He doesn't like talking about his past much-says it's behind him, and he'd rather not dig it up." Jesse laughed.
"I guess that means he's never mentioned me, either?"
"And why would he have?" Jesse shrugged.
"Well, we were friends as kids. Maybe I'm just weird, but I told all my friends about him." Sirius looked at her sharply.
"You didn't mention his-condition, did you?" he asked warily. Jesse shook her head. "Oh, good. . .'cause that would certainly explain why he's so upset with you."
"No, I actually didn't know about him being a werewolf until I saw him transform right in front of me. When we knew each other, he hadn't been bitten yet." She paused. "When was he bitten, anyways?" It was something she'd wondered since Thanksgiving.
"I don't actually know," Sirius said with a shrug. "Just that he was young at the time-I think four, or maybe five. Again, he doesn't talk about things like that." Jesse resisted the urge to cry out. She carefully hid her surprise; she didn't want to tell Sirius anything until she was sure. . .
"I guess we'd better get to bed," she suggested finally. Sirius nodded.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said with a smile. They went up their separate staircases and joined their sleeping roommates in their respective dorms.
Jesse dressed for bed silently and went to bed immediately, though she stayed awake for a long time to ponder what she'd just learned from Sirius. But Padfoot walked into the room and stood by Remus' bed for a long moment. The curtains were drawn, and he debated whether he should risk Moony's wrath and open them, or just leave things be.
"Remus?" he finally called quietly. There was no response. He carefully drew the curtains aside enough to peek through. Remus was fast asleep, and the knife was safe on the shelf above his bed.
A Sudden Death
Remus crossed the Great Hall, hands deep in his pockets and shoulders hunched. He didn't know why, but the prospect of seeing Alyssa again was not particularly welcoming. There was something about her he didn't like. . .
But that was preposterous! The girl was pretty, charming, and usually cheerful. She was smart, to say the least, and had lots of friends-which proved she was nice, and loyal to some extent. She was excellent in all classes except DADA, which Remus heard she was terrible at and generally hated. Plus, she seemed to like Remus as much as he had liked her. . .
Had liked her? What was that supposed to mean? That he didn't anymore? He shook his head again and looked around the Great Hall one last time, looking for her pretty blonde head, but couldn't spot her at any of the tables. She'd agreed to see him at lunch, and where was he expected to look for her if not in the Great Hall?
Maybe she waited for me so long, she just left without coming to find me, Remus thought. It was certainly a possibility. Not wanting to search all over the school for her and risk being late for History of Magic, he decided to look for her in the library, where he'd last seen her. It was close to the history room anyway.
Walking quickly up the stairs and towards the Gryffindor tower, which was on the way to the library, Remus almost passed the couple behind the suit of armor without noticing them. Then he heard Alyssa's familiar light laugh and turned around in surprise. His jaw dropped when he saw her lean in to kiss Severus Snape, her slender fingers in his greasy hair. Not sure whether he was more angry or disgusted, Remus turned away quickly and half- jogged to the Gryffindor tower. Let them have their moment, he thought bitterly.
"Troll's leg," he muttered. The Fat Lady swung open with a smile. The password had been changed in anticipation of the new month. Strange as it seemed to Remus, December was almost upon them.
Remus crawled through the portrait hole, picking up his bag along the way. He was surprised to hear soft voices and the sound of someone crying; passing the curtained window seat, he realized who it must be and continued on his way. The stairs creaked as he mounted them towards his dorm room, but the occupants of the window seat did not seem to notice. Remus made it upstairs and to his bed without attracting any unwanted attention.
As soon as he was alone, Remus' thoughts drifted to Alyssa Mant and Severus Snape. So he wasn't enough for her? Perhaps she'd been using him to get Snape, as many girls seemed to think it was okay to do. He thought painfully of his first girlfriend, Daisy Parkinson. She'd seemed to really like him last year, and he'd thought that perhaps he could have a normal life after all. . .
But she'd been after Lucius Malfoy, a seventh-year and very popular among the Slytherins. A Slytherin herself, Daisy had been willing to use any means necessary to reach her goal. Her goal had been Lucius, and her means had been Remus.
He shook thoughts of Daisy out of his head. Despite how she'd hurt him, Remus still thought of her as a pretty, smart, funny girl who was usually very kind and unlike a Slytherin. If not for the way she'd used him. . .
Which brought him back to Alyssa. Had she really been following Daisy's example? Remus doubted this suddenly; it was hard to imagine Snape being picky enough to make a girl resort to such methods. It was hard to imagine a girl resorting to any methods for Severus Snape.
So why was she cheating on him?
Or could he even call it cheating? They'd never actually said anything about that. Maybe Alyssa saw him as just a fling. Or maybe she was cheating on Snape with him. That thought made him shudder; he didn't need Snape hating him more than he already did-plus, the idea that the person who liked him, also liked Snape, was just creepy.
Remus realized with a start that he was holding the knife again. Since Sirius' first outburst, it had started to scare him a bit how much he depended on the comfort and relaxation this small weapon offered. He often slept with it curled in his palm, liking how cool and smooth it was even when the blade was folded in. Now he was holding it without even remembering getting it down from the shelf. It was warm from his hand, but when he flipped open the blade, the sharp edge was cool.
Was Alyssa simply not satisfied with him anymore? Perhaps she thought him wimpy for making such small, insignificant cuts. He remembered the large scars she bore from her own obsession with the disturbing practice and wondered if he'd just guessed it. She must think him naïve, a regular neophyte in the way of self-mutilation. She must have thought it was cute at first, like girls seemed to do, but now she was bored with him and his cowardliness.
For surely, only a coward would make such tiny scrapes. Someone with real guts, who really cared about what he was doing, wouldn't be afraid of a bit of pain. A pinprick such as what Remus felt must seem puny when compared to the pain of a real injury.
Remus closed the blade. No. He'd promised Sirius he would stop, and look where breaking that promise had got him. The blade clicked into place when he opened it again.
But Sirius would simply have to get used to this new habit. Remus could do what he wished with his life, and who was Sirius to stop him? The sharp edge grazed Remus' fingers when it slipped into its slot in the handle.
A promise was a promise. Sirius was his friend, and wanted only the best for him. Light glinted off the blade. It was open again, though Remus hadn't remembered forcing it that way.
Think of Alyssa! he told himself. What would she think if she knew he was being such a wimp? He closed the blade with a snap.
Alyssa was cheating on him. He couldn't make his decisions based on her. The blade lay open in his hand again.
If he wanted to win her back, he had to go through with this. He had to prove he was stronger than Snape. Had to prove he really wanted her back.
A small voice in the back of his head chided him: but do you want her back? She grossed you out today, she's cheating on you with the guy you hate most in the school, and there's that feeling about her that you just can't stand. . . Remus ignored the voice and pulled back his sleeve. Of course he wanted her. . . He was startled slightly to note that the shallow cut on his arm was still bleeding as much as it had been when fresh. Ignoring the small worry that crept into his brain, he placed the knife against his skin and pressed down hard, pushing against the resistance and biting his lip against the pain. Blood began to drip heavily down his arm as he dragged the knife down his arm, following the same cut from before. It ran over the blood that had dried over the course of the day and spread onto his sheets. Remus was vaguely surprised at how much there was, but he didn't think about it much-he was too focused on the pain that burned along his arm.
When he pulled the knife out of his wound and wiped it on the sheets, he noticed tears stinging at his eyes. He wiped them away angrily; what did it mean to cut himself if he was going to cry about it? So much for proving himself to be not a wimp. . . But Alyssa didn't need to know about his nearly-shed tears. She would only see the cut, the gaping wound, and would leave Snape in the dust as she turned to embrace Remus. . .but her face changed as she drew nearer to him. Her eyes became dazzling blue, her strikingly pale skin took on a bronze hue-
The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, startling Remus out of his reverie. He jumped up, placed the knife on his shelf, grabbed his books, and ran for the door. He paused in the bathroom long enough to grab a paper towel, then ran for the portrait hole. Sirius and Jesse were about to climb through it when he got there. Sirius glanced at the paper towel clutched in his hand, narrowed his eyes, and crawled through the portrait hole without a word. Jesse shrugged and threw Remus a helpless glance, then followed suit. Ignoring both of them, Remus clambered in after her.
The three barely made it to History of Magic on time. Professor Binns was already there, sitting behind his desk and watching the class file in. He was an old man, tiny and wrinkled like Professor Flitwick, but there the similarities stopped. Binns was quiet and subdued and not at all excited about his subject. He generally lectured the whole class period and assigned dreadfully long essays for homework. All the students disliked his class, but at least he didn't take points from anyone. Nor did he dish them out, but one couldn't have everything.
The professor was uncannily still today as the class took their seats to the sound of the bell. He watched them lazily, not even blinking his half- closed eyes when the bell rang loudly in everyone's ears. When the students had settled down, he stood up.
Or at least, something that looked like him did.
Two girls screamed, Lily gasped and looked like she was going to faint, James raised his eyebrows, and Sirius laughed out loud. The professor looked around angrily.
"What's this commotion?" he asked in his usual drone, focusing his eyes on Sirius, who was shaking silently in his chair. A boy sitting in the front row pointed a shaky finger at the professor, who looked himself up and down, obviously confused. He raised his eyebrows.
"Oh," he said softly, turning around to look behind him. There sat his body, unmoved, in the chair behind his desk. He, a silvery-white ghost, stood facing the class. "I wondered when that was going to happen." Professor Binns' ghost turned back to his class. "Well, no matter," he said lightly, looking almost happy for an instant. "Will everyone get out a piece of parchment and a quill for taking notes, please?" The students looked at each other, horrified. He was still going to teach? "Move along now, please, we've wasted enough time as it is." Sirius had finally calmed down some, but at these words, he burst into peals of laughter again. His chair tipped over backwards and deposited him on the floor, but this only made him laugh harder.
"Mr. Black!" the professor's ghost said sternly. "If you will please control yourself and do as I have said!" Sirius took a few deep breaths, nodded, and got out his note-taking materials. It was the first time he'd been the first student to follow a teacher's directions. The professor looked at the rest of the class menacingly. "Please follow Mr. Black's example." James grinned and winked at Sirius, then burst out laughing, knocked his chair over, and laughed even harder. Binns' ghostly face was contorted with rage. It was the angriest they'd ever seen him-almost as if he was more human now that he was dead.
"Mr. Potter!" he fairly yelled. "You knew exactly what I meant, now please follow my instructions in a less literal way!" James calmed himself down and took out the necessary materials, feeling that the joke had run its course anyway. The rest of the class finally followed suit, slightly afraid of the ghost teacher's anger. Once they were all ready, Professor Binns' ghost attempted to sit down in his chair again-but he fell through his own corpse and the chair, only just managing to catch himself before falling through the floor. Sirius was cracking up again.
"Well, that was an interesting experience," Sirius announced as he left the History of Magic classroom with his friends. "Although I must say-being taught by Professor Binns' ghost is no more interesting than being taught by the good man, himself." Jesse shot him a withering look.
"Of course not," James said. "He's still Professor Binns, even though he's dead."
"James!" Lily exclaimed, appalled. He looked at her innocently.
"What? It's only the truth." She glared at him momentarily.
"It still isn't polite." Sirius chuckled.
"Since when is James ever polite?" he muttered loudly. James whacked him in the back of the head with his history book. "Hey!" Sirius yelled, too late to dodge the blow. "See what I mean?"
Everyone laughed except Remus, who was trailing along behind the group, not sure if he was wanted or not. He'd fastened the paper towel around his arm with a spell at the beginning of class, and he could feel that the absorbent paper was already soaked. When they all turned the corner, headed for Transfiguration, Remus ducked into a nearby bathroom to inspect the damage.
But he found that he couldn't do anything of the sort. Already in the restroom was none other than Severus Snape. Remus had to settle with washing his hands and pretending to check his hair before leaving again, not wishing to be late for McGonagall's class.
The whole class was still talking about Binns' sudden death when the bell rang and Remus slipped into the room. The Gryffindors, who shared history with the Hufflepuffs, were excitedly explaining the events to the Ravenclaws, who mostly seemed amused. Professor McGonagall had quite a time quieting them all down, and that was a first for the strict teacher.
"Now, honestly!" she finally yelled, ending the last of the chatter. "What could possibly be so interesting to all of you?" As if on cue, the whole class started to talk again, most of them Gryffindors yelling explanations to the professor. She held up a hand. "One at a time!" she yelled above the flow of words. "I can't hear you all at once!" Sirius stood up, a grin on his face.
"I'll explain, professor, if you please," he offered. The rest of the class exchanged grins, anticipating some brilliant portrayal of the man's death, but they were disappointed.
"No, Mr. Black, you'll sit down. I'd like someone more reliable to tell me this fascinating story." She looked around the room as Sirius sat down, discouraged. "Ms. Mant," she called out. "Would you please explain to me what is going on?" The blonde looked momentarily perplexed, then admitted,
"I actually don't know, really. I wasn't present at the time-I suggest you ask a Gryffindor if you really want to know." McGonagall nodded and shifted her gaze to the person sitting across the aisle from Alyssa.
"Alright, then, Mr. Lupin, you seem to be somewhat more responsible than your friends-" she shot Sirius a look, "-why don't you fill me in." Remus looked up, startled, and felt his face go red.
"Actually, I don't really know what's going on, either," he mumbled, staring at his hands. He'd heard the conversations and rumors flying around, but hadn't been paying enough attention to comprehend what was being said. And all through History of Magic, he'd been staring at his parchment, doodling various things and occasionally wiping blood off his hand.
McGonagall was looking a bit flustered now-and, despite herself, curious. The Gryffindors were staring at Remus as though he was mad, and Sirius, sitting next to him, hadn't noticed that his mouth was hanging open.
"Well, then!" the professor said, looking around the room. "Ms. Evans! Please explain what everyone is so excited about!" McGonagall looked as if she'd hex her if she didn't do as asked, so Lily cleared her throat.
"We-that is, the other Gryffindors and I-just came from History of Magic with Professor Binns." There were snickers from a few of the Gryffindors.
"I know who my fellow teachers are, Ms. Evans. Please try not to waste class time." Lily got rather red in the face.
"Well, I'm not sure you do know who's teaching that class now, Professor," she said calmly. "Professor Binns died in class today. I'm sure he'll be replaced soon enough." To the students' dismay, McGonagall did not seem at all perturbed by this news.
"Oh, is that all? Honestly, such a fuss. . . Please take out your wands and open your books to page 113. Today we will be studying-"
"Wait a sec, Professor!" a Ravenclaw boy called out. "What about Professor Binns?" McGonagall looked at him blankly for a moment.
"What about him?" she asked impatiently.
"Well, who's gonna replace him?" James elaborated. McGonagall frowned.
"No one, of course. He'll continue teaching as he always has." The students looked at each other in surprise and disappointment.
"But he's dead!" someone whispered. Professor McGonagall heard her.
"Yes, Ms. Fletcher, he is. But his ghost seems perfectly capable of teaching, as none of you blew up his classroom after he died." She looked pointedly at James and Sirius. James grinned and turned to his friend.
"Darn, why didn't we think of that?" he whispered. But Sirius wasn't really listening. He was glaring furiously at his desk, occasionally shooting angry glances at Remus. James looked at him in surprise, but didn't say anything.
"Now, if you will please take out your books!" McGonagall said loudly. Everyone did so, even Remus and Sirius. "We've wasted too much time to actually try out this spell, so you can put your wands away. Open your books to page 113 and read the section!" With that, she sat down in her seat. To James' slight disappointment, she didn't fall through it and onto the floor.
Dinner was a loud event that evening. James was happily telling the rest of the Quidditch team, none of which were fifth-years, what had happened in history. Lily chimed in once in a while and Peter listened with a little grin on his face, but Sirius and Remus were subdued and silent. Remus kept his right hand in his pocket so no one would see his bleeding arm and ate uncomfortably with his non-dominant left. Sirius noticed this, but said nothing. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on. It all fit together quite nicely: Remus had probably left during lunch to perform the sickening ritual, then had run to History of Magic with his arm hurting. This probably wouldn't have kept him from noticing his teacher's death, so there was probably something else on his mind as well.
He'd done a sloppy job in keeping the information from Sirius, though. Usually he at least tried to act normal so as to not attract attention to himself. He was lucky today-Binns' death had kept everyone occupied. Sirius glared at his stew and poked a piece of tender beef. The aromas from the meal made his mouth water, but he felt nauseated just thinking about eating. He played absently with his food and occasionally glared at Remus. The werewolf was eating normally again; in fact, he seemed to be quite hungry.
Yeah, I bet all that cutting really works up your appetite, Sirius thought bitterly, watching Remus spoon more potatoes onto his plate. He felt a light touch on his shoulder and looked up to see Jesse, who was sitting next to him, looking at him knowingly. She looked to Remus and back, and Sirius nodded. Jesse's face fell.
"You have to talk to him," she whispered. "I think it's only going to get worse." Sirius shrugged and looked back to the food in front of him. He took a bite as an excuse not to talk and chewed the savory meat slowly, looking around the Great Hall. He glared at Alyssa Mant when he saw her, disgusted with what he'd seen earlier. James, sitting next to him on the other side, had finished with his tale and now followed his friend's gaze.
"Yeah, she's got some nerve, eh?" he commented before taking a bite of green beans.
"She can go out with Snape if she wants, I guess-it's her hands getting greasy," Sirius said with a shudder.
"So she is going out with him, then?" James asked softly, shooting a glance across the table. Remus was focused on his food and hadn't heard anything; James wanted to keep it that way.
Sirius glanced at him, confused. "Isn't that what you were just talking about?" he asked, staring back at Alyssa's blonde head. James shrugged.
"Not exactly. I don't care who she dates and who she doesn't-but cheating is another story." Sirius raised an eyebrow and met his friend's eyes, his curiosity peaked despite himself.
"Cheating? I wouldn't blame her if she's only got Snape. . ." he said with a sneer. James was looking at him oddly.
"That's right. . ." he muttered. "I guess we forgot to tell you-she's been cheating on Remus with Snape-or, I suppose, the other way around." Sirius stared at James, incredulous.
"What?!" he hissed. James nodded.
"Yeah, and according to Lily, this is normal behavior for her. She's kind of a whore-even Lily admitted it."
"And Peter saw her with Remus. . ." Sirius trailed off, remembering the night he'd apologized to Moony, and what Peter had said. He clenched his fist and banged the table, all earlier anger at Remus forgotten. "Damn her!" he growled, attracting the attention of Peter, who was next to Remus, and Lily from next to James.
"What's he pissy about now?" Peter asked with a smirk. Sirius shot him a warning glare, and Wormtail shrank slightly in his seat. James was quietly explaining to Lily, who gave Peter a meaningful look and nodded almost imperceptibly towards Remus. Peter shrugged. "What's new?" he muttered. Sirius glared at him again; he knew he'd been angry with Remus a lot lately, but this time he was pissed off for his friend, not because of him. Jesse squeezed his shoulder gently; he turned around, having forgotten she was there. She certainly was quieter than she had been when she'd first met them.
"He can handle it himself, Sirius," she assured him in a whisper. "You know he'll only get mad if you try to handle his problems for him." Sirius nodded, glanced at Remus, and took another bite of stew. Sick as he might feel at the moment, he knew he'd be hungry later if he didn't eat something.
After dinner, Remus slipped away from the group to find Alyssa before she could leave the Great Hall. He found her still at the Ravenclaw table, gathering her things as she prepared to leave. Remus didn't notice Snape smirk as he left the room, nor did he see Sirius turn around at the door.
"Where's Moony?" Sirius asked when they were almost at the door. He turned and looked around, then spotted his friend standing by Alyssa Mant at the Ravenclaw table. His fist clenched and a muscle in his face twitched. "That's it, I'm telling him now," he muttered as he strode towards the table. Someone grabbed his wrist with surprising strength. He looked around to see Jesse shaking her head at him.
"You don't know why he's there," she said sternly. "What if he already knows? You'll just offend him by mothering him, and it will have been for no reason, besides." Sirius considered this, then shook his head.
"But what if he doesn't know? It's not worth it to take that chance." Jesse gave him an appraising look.
"Honestly, I thought you were smarter than that. How much is it really going to help for him to be told now, rather than later? How much less will it actually hurt?" She tugged his arm gently. "Come on, let's just go up to the common room. We can wait for him there, if you like."
Remus saw none of the exchange; he was watching Alyssa gather her books and shove them in her bag. She'd been reading a novel while eating, and she was careful to mark the page before sticking it into her book bag. She stood up, swung her bag over her shoulder, and flipped her hair out of her face. She turned to leave, then saw Remus.
"Oh!" she said, surprise evident on her face. "I didn't see you there." Remus smiled faintly. That had been the idea.
"Can we talk?" he asked casually. She hesitated.
"Okay, but let's walk as we do. I've got to get to the library before it closes." Remus agreed and they walked out of the Great Hall. It wasn't until they were halfway up the marble staircase that Remus spoke.
"I skipped most of lunch today," he began, already feeling uncomfortable. Alyssa looked at him sideways.
"That's nice. . ."
"I went up to the Gryffindor tower instead, just to think about things." They walked past the spot Remus had seen her kissing Snape. The mental image made him shudder. "I thought about some pretty upsetting stuff. . ." he trailed off, unconsciously putting a hand to his bleeding arm. Alyssa stopped when she saw the movement and pulled him against the wall, behind that same suit of armor. She pulled up his sleeve and smiled at the blood running down his arm. She pulled his arm up and kissed the bleeding wound lightly. Remus shuddered and turned his head away. He felt a hand on his chin, turning him back to face her. She was right in front of him, as she had been that day by the lake. Before he could stop her or pull away, she kissed him passionately. Her touch was anything but gentle; she put her hands in his hair and pulled him forward, trying to deepen the kiss.
Remus pushed her away, the taste of his own blood on his lips. He stared at her in disgust.
"I saw you kissing Snape today," he blurted out. Alyssa looked mildly surprised.
"Is that so?"
"Y-yes," he stammered, his vision swimming. He felt like he was about to throw up. Controlling himself, he continued. "That's not okay with me," he managed to say with some conviction. "It wouldn't even be okay if it had been someone other than Snape, though it scares me that you can find something to like in both of us. . ." Alyssa laughed.
"If it makes you feel any better, I like him for. . .for him, but I only like you for this." She pressed a slender finger to his bleeding arm, pushing her manicured nail against the cut. Remus felt as if he's just been slapped.
"No, that doesn't make me feel better!" he yelled, pulling his arm away and covering it with his sleeve. "How would that make me feel good at all?!" Alyssa laughed again.
"Don't worry, it doesn't mean you don't mean as much to me as he does. I just want you for different things." She leaned forward and put her arms around his waist, placing her lips against his neck. She kissed a trail from the collar of his shirt to the hollow where his jaw joined his ear. There she paused and inhaled deeply. Remus shuddered and pushed her away.
"I'm sorry you aren't satisfied with just one of us, but you'll just have to settle for what you can get," he muttered, then turned and walked away. When he was sure he was out of sight, he ran the rest of the way to the Gryffindor portrait hole. "Troll's leg!" he gasped. As if sensing his urgency, the Fat Lady swung forward without comment. Remus launched himself through the portrait hole and ran through the room, not even noticing the two people sitting on the couch in front of the fire. He ran up the stairs to the landing between the fifth- and sixth-year dorms and dashed into the bathroom. Almost before he could kneel in front of the toilet, he relaxed his jaw, which he'd had clenched shut, and threw up his dinner as he had his lunch.
Sirius and Jesse said good night to the others, then settled onto the couch to wait for Remus as promised. They watched the fire in silence, expecting a long wait. But after only about five minutes, the portrait hole opened and Remus ran in. Without sparing them a glance, he dashed upstairs and into the bathroom on the landing. There was the unmistakable sound of retching, and Sirius looked at Jesse in alarm. Silence prevailed again, until a few minutes later, when Remus opened the door and stumbled out looking very ill. Sirius jumped to his feet, color rising in his cheeks.
"So is that why you were so hungry at dinner today?!" he yelled accusingly. Remus stared at him in surprise, having not noticed him before. "Have you been throwing up your meals every night?" There was a moment's silence, in which Jesse tried to pull Sirius back onto the couch. He shook her off.
"What? No-I mean, yes, today I did, but-" Remus was cut off by a triumphant "aha!" from Sirius.
"I knew it! Cutting wasn't enough for you, was it? You just had to torture yourself some other way, stress out all your friends even more by starving yourself!"
"Bulimia is generally more common in girls, Sirius," Jesse said, hoping to break the tension with a joke. But Sirius had never heard of the Muggle name for the disease and ignored her.
"I'm not bulimic," Remus told her firmly. "I just threw up today, I felt sick-"
"Yeah, from loss of blood!" Sirius interrupted. Remus glared at him, but felt too sick to get into the fight.
"For Pete's sake, Sirius," he said with a shake of his head. "Can't a guy talk?"
"So now he wants to talk. . ." Jesse murmured, not intending for Remus to hear. But his sensitive ears picked up the comment.
"Don't you start with me, Jess," he scolded. She was relieved that he didn't go any further than that. "Sirius, I'm telling you the truth-or trying to. I only threw up today. I'm feeling sick, and that's what people do when they're sick."
"Shut up, Moody," Sirius scoffed. "I've only thrown up twice in my life." Remus raised his eyebrows.
"'Moody?'" he repeated. Sirius swallowed nervously; he hadn't meant to say that name out loud.
"Moony, I meant Moony," he muttered, but the damage was done.
"So that's how you see me? As a hormonal, moody teenager?" Remus said softly, his anger apparent on his face, though it was absent from his voice.
"No, Remus, of course not," Sirius tried to tell him, but Remus talked over him.
"I'm sorry if I've been a little stressed out lately," he growled sarcastically. "Of course I'm overreacting to everything! Y'know, what with changing in the common room, getting whacked over the head with an iron rod. Then, of course, there's the usual-making up Potions and CMC in my spare time, dreaming constantly about my brother's death, and being cheated on by a vampire." He smiled grimly. "No, my life's pretty simple right now." With that, he stalked off to the dorm room, leaving Sirius and Jesse speechless.
"Oh, my God, I had no idea. . ." Jesse murmured, placing a hand to her mouth and staring unseeing into the fire. Sirius nodded.
"I know. . .who would've guessed that Alyssa was a vampire?" he whispered incredulously, perching on the edge of the couch and leaning his chin on his hands.
"No, I meant-" Jesse stopped, shaking her head.
"What?"
"It's just. . .I didn't know he still thought about his brother. I guess it's unavoidable, but I can see how anyone would be stressed out by that." Sirius looked at her curiously.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked. She looked at him sharply.
"You mean. . .he's never told you?" she whispered. Sirius shrugged.
"Yeah, he's told us that his brother died, but so did my mom. I don't dream about her." Not much, he corrected himself silently. But Jesse didn't need to know that.
"Oh my goodness. . .I thought he'd have told you all by now. I mean, because you're so close and all." She sighed. "I guess he really is kind of quiet about some things, huh?" Sirius nodded.
"Well, yeah. He doesn't like talking about his past much-says it's behind him, and he'd rather not dig it up." Jesse laughed.
"I guess that means he's never mentioned me, either?"
"And why would he have?" Jesse shrugged.
"Well, we were friends as kids. Maybe I'm just weird, but I told all my friends about him." Sirius looked at her sharply.
"You didn't mention his-condition, did you?" he asked warily. Jesse shook her head. "Oh, good. . .'cause that would certainly explain why he's so upset with you."
"No, I actually didn't know about him being a werewolf until I saw him transform right in front of me. When we knew each other, he hadn't been bitten yet." She paused. "When was he bitten, anyways?" It was something she'd wondered since Thanksgiving.
"I don't actually know," Sirius said with a shrug. "Just that he was young at the time-I think four, or maybe five. Again, he doesn't talk about things like that." Jesse resisted the urge to cry out. She carefully hid her surprise; she didn't want to tell Sirius anything until she was sure. . .
"I guess we'd better get to bed," she suggested finally. Sirius nodded.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said with a smile. They went up their separate staircases and joined their sleeping roommates in their respective dorms.
Jesse dressed for bed silently and went to bed immediately, though she stayed awake for a long time to ponder what she'd just learned from Sirius. But Padfoot walked into the room and stood by Remus' bed for a long moment. The curtains were drawn, and he debated whether he should risk Moony's wrath and open them, or just leave things be.
"Remus?" he finally called quietly. There was no response. He carefully drew the curtains aside enough to peek through. Remus was fast asleep, and the knife was safe on the shelf above his bed.
