Grace sat at the edge of her bed, wearing jeans and a large, red sweater.
She looked awful…which was understandable seeming as she hadn't gotten a wink of sleep after Eli left….and early this morning, she stumbled out of bed, and ran to the bathroom to throw up.
Her face was pale and her skin was clammy. Deep red rings had formed under her eyes, and she had to keep swallowing hard every so often to suppress the vomit that was waiting to regurgitate itself every time she thought of what she and Eli did…almost did…..would have done…had he not stopped himself….
GRACE it had never crossed my mind until he started kissing me….. and then….the whole idea seemed perfect and fit so well together…..until….he stopped….and I realized that it wasn't at all perfect….it would have just made things worse….worse than they are now!
The door to the motel opened, and Eli slowly, cautiously entered.
Grace didn't say anything, or turn to look at him, she simply stood up, walked to the television, switched it on, sat back down…and listened as the TV's noise drowned out any conversation Eli might have thought of having with her….
He could smell something rancid coming from the bathroom….it smelt like vomit….but he didn't say or ask anything, just sighed as he watched Grace's eyes fix stubbornly and firmly on the television.
He'd half hoped she wouldn't be here…..he thought, maybe she had packed her things last night and would take up residence with Jessie, or try and tough it out with Zoe again….but she hadn't….she was still here….
ELI I don't know….my heart and my mind weren't communicating with one another….and I kissed her….she kissed me back….we almost…..and then I stopped….because I don't want to hurt her.
Last night he'd asked the receptionist to call him a cab, which drove him a few minutes out of town, to a truck-stop diner where he'd ordered a black coffee, pancakes with syrup and an apple; all of which, he didn't eat….instead he just stared at the food, and thought about Grace…..and for a second or two…about Isabelle aswell.
Grace carefully looked at him from the corner of her eye. He looked as bad as she felt….which made her feel better….and worse at the same time.
GRACE is he that repulsed by what he almost did with me?
He opened his mouth, and a stale moan came out as he tried clearing his throat to speak; "Were you ok last night?" he asked, and instantly regretted asking such a broad question, which he knew Grace would interpret in the wrong way.
He cleared his throat again, "I mean….when I left…nothing happened…you were…ok?"
She nodded and said nothing, just stared at an infomercial on the television.
She didn't mention that she had been sick at around three in the morning…or that she couldn't sleep….tried calling Carol, but no-one answered…..and then watched reruns of Scooby Doo until six when her eyelids slowly closed, and then opened again at seven.
Eli just stood in the doorway of their motel room, looking careless and empty, tired and just plain hopeless…..he shifted his weight, looked at the TV, and then at Grace.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
She said nothing.
"Maybe we should talk?"
Still….nothing.
"Do you think it will help if we talk…about….last night?"
Silence.
"Maybe!"
Grace didn't look at him; she reached for the remote and turned the TV off abruptly, then she stood up, and started heading for the door.
Eli stepped aside to let her out, and as she brushed past him, she murmured a stern "no" and closed the door behind her.
She started trudging down the hallway; cursing herself for not being brave enough to stay and speak to Eli like a civilised person….to sort out their problems and misfortunes without hassle…for some reason…she had to make a big deal out of talking to him…
GRACE I am not a child anymore! I should be able to sort out my own problems maturely and quickly! ….and that's all last night was…. A mistake that turned into a problem, because I let it!
And, just as she was about to turn right back around, walk into their room, sit down on her bed, and talk to him, face to face, like adults…. she felt a hand grab her wrist, and turn her around.
Before she even had a second to stop and calculate what was happening; her lips were meeting Eli's again, soft and moist, as they pressed against hers, passionately and unflinchingly.
GRACE I should be able to sort my problems out in a civilised manner…. This is not a civilised manner!
She opened her eyes, and suddenly it all came rushing into her so quickly that she felt slightly dizzy.
She shoved Eli away, and gave a small gasp for breath.
"I……I am sorry…….." he murmured, now quivering and embarrassed as he stared at Grace, waiting for her to say something.
ELI this is just all so….stupid! Childish and stupid….like we're squabbling teenagers again! …I should know better…
She looked at him, fiercely, angrily….and then….her face softened, she rolled her eyes and turned away from him, running a hand exhaustingly through her hair.
"You seem to be saying that a lot lately….." she murmured, trying to breathe.
"That was…" he scratched the back of his neck, and frowned, confused; "…stupid….very stupid of me…" he finished.
She turned back to him, her head cocked to the side, an eyebrow raised; "ya think?"
They stared at one another for a long while…..holding each other's steady gaze, stony, unrevealing faces.
And then, they both cracked the smallest of smiles and sighed.
"Wow" Eli murmured, scratching his head again.
"Hmmm….wow….." Grace agreed, as she walked to the hallway's railing, leaning against it, staring at him, with a small smile.
Eli looked to her, and shook his head, sticking one hand into his pants pocket, he waited for her to start speaking….because right now….he was just too stunned and embarrassed to string a sentence together…
"Why are we even surprised?" Grace finally asked, and Eli shrugged, unsure of what she meant.
"I mean….of course something was bound to happen….you and I ….ex girlfriend and boyfriend…. It was just a matter of time….."
Eli gave a small nod and avoided looking Grace in the eye.
"I think I was a bit drunk last night aswell…." He murmured.
Grace scoffed, and rolled her eyes; "well thanks!"
He quickly looked to her; relieved to see she was smiling; joking. "Sorry…I didn't mean that….I just meant…it was probably a factor…."
She nodded and smiled, "probably…."
They stood, silently, for a moment or two; and then Eli spoke up.
"So…what now?" he asked, slowly.
She sighed, ran a hand carelessly through her hair again and shrugged.
Eli sighed aswell, and turned away from her, digging both hands into his pockets; "this is also stupid…." He murmured.
Grace looked at him, his back turned to her, the words came pouring out of her so quickly, she didn't even have time to blink; "there was a reason why you kissed me last night…and just now…"
He turned back around, not looking particularly surprised at what she'd just said; "there was," he declared.
Grace nodded, "why?" she asked.
Eli shrugged, "I wanted you" he said simply.
Grace nodded once and then looked away from him, across to the long stretch of black freeway beyond the pine trees with dashing colours travelling along. "That's not good enough, Eli".
He studied the side of her face, pouting red lips, long eyelashes and soft, white cheek. He suddenly had a memory of wiping a tear away for her and felt the sensation of her smooth cheek tingle in his fingers, like electricity, he felt the strong urge to reach out right now…
"You can't just…" Grace shook her head slightly, and turned to face him, catching his eyes in a moment of soft recollection, they looked at her lovingly, and suddenly the words caught in her throat.
"I wanted you" he said again, quieter this time, with a slightly shrug and a small, indefinable smile.
"You can't…" before she had time to finish, Eli had taken a step closer to her, reached out his hand and brushed her cheek. Inadvertently she leaned into his warm touch, his hand cupping her cheek; she closed her eyes and let herself melt with the comfort of this position.
"You can't do this…" she tried again, murmuring the words.
"I still want to" he whispered back, and before she had time to open her eyes, his lips had found hers again.
It felt like a lifetime before they broke apart, panting slightly for air. "Eli" Grace said as she opened her eyes, silently grateful to still see that look of soft love in his eyes as opposed to the horror she found in them last night.
"I want you" Eli said, his voice firm but low, "I want you right now, and I think you feel the same way…"
"But Eli, sex isn't just sex…. It's complicated, especially between us!"
"It doesn't have to be" somewhere deep down Eli knew that his desires were overpowering his better judgement; he knew that Grace was right and he was putting up a weak argument, but he couldn't push his lust aside. He wanted her, it was that simple.
"It doesn't have to be?" She echoed, creasing her brow as she looked into his eyes, and placed her hands flat against his chest, stopping him from leaning in for another long kiss.
"Let's just be together, right now?" he urged, reaching up wrapping his fingers around her wrists, gently bringing them down from where they lay on his chest.
"It means nothing?" Grace queried, accepting his rash, hard kiss. His lips moved down to her neck and she let out a moan, breaking her hands free and running them though his hair, pushing his lips harder against her collarbone.
Eli wrapped his arms around her, picking her up and carrying her back into the room where he reached out with his foot to kick the door closed.
They both feverishly started undressing each other.
"Do you have protection?" Grace asked, in between hard kisses and working Eli's best buckle.
He nodded yes and pulled her sweater off and over her head.
Crashing onto the bed insanity reigned. No more thinking was involved as they started exploring one another's bodies; retracing each other, triggering memories thought buried and fitting together again like jigsaw pieces… both trying to push aside the feeling that this moment felt more natural than anything else, that in each other's embrace, they both felt like they were home… something neither had really felt in 5 long years.
