Chapter III

'If it's a stupid idea that works, it's not so stupid, is it?'
--Harmony

-- --

"Spike! SPIKE! Spiiiikeeeey! Where are you? You're not gonna believe how much that rusty old iron box is worth!"

"Harm, shut the hell up!" mumbled Spike from under the covers.

Harmony yanked the covers off Spike's bed, and was momentarily distracted by his bare ass, but remembered why she was there, "Spike, get up! That iron box thingy we got from the crypt after you lost the Gem of Amara? There's someone who will pay a million dollars for it! A million dollars Spike! We can go to Paris after all!" Harmony does a little dance and tries to sing a song in French. She fails miserably, but it doesn't faze her.

Spike went through a range of emotion, from 'I'm gonna stake you' to 'total greed', then 'caution'. "Where did you hear this, luv?"

Harmony replied, "I went back to our old place to get some of my unicorns, who broke my unicorns anyway? I couldn't believe it, only three were unbroken! Did you do that?"

"Harm," Spike said with great deliberation, "would you please get back to the subject?"

"Oh yeah, well anyway, while I was down there I heard some people coming down the tunnel, stringing up lights and things. So I hid, you know, back in that offshoot that looks like a niche but is actually a good size tunnel that heads toward the campus? You know, right next to where I wanted you to install a closet? It's a perfect place, a nice walk-in would fit there, complete with hanging rods and shelves for my shoes. But you wouldn't, you bastard you …"

"Harm, PLEASE stop haring off on tangents!"

"OK, but what's a tangent again? I never did well in math …"

"Harm, if you don't tell me what you heard I swear by all the demon's that I hold dear that I WILL CUT YER BLEEDIN' HEAD OFF!"

"Well," she said haughtily, "if THAT'S all you want. So anyway, these people came along and went up into the old crypt, and tell me again why we don't just sell all those old jewels and things?" But Spike just motioned at her to go on. "So anyway, they went up there and starting looking for something. They weren't happy with the corpse we left there either, I think they knew him, I mean from when he was alive. Anyway, I was thinking about going up there and eating them when Buffy came down tunnel! I couldn't believe it! I was in such danger! The Slayer! Right there in front of me! So I stayed hidden and was quiet as a mouse, you know how good I can be at not making a sound …"

Spike interrupted, "Yeah babe, you and yer vow of silence. The subject! Come to the point, Harm!"

"OKAY Spikey. Anyway, Buffy went and stood under the hole and listened to them. Can you believe it? The Slayer is an eavesdropper! A peeping Tom! Or is it Peeping Tommie? But jeez, so much for that all holier than thou attitude, huh!" Spike glared some more. "Anyway, I heard them say something about Rambo art, some facts or something – I didn't get that part – but that metal box we have is worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Some guy named Sloane – at least I think that's what he said, would it make more sense if he said Stallone? You know, because of the Rambo thing? – anyway, he'll pay us for it! This Sloane guy, he's got OUR million bucks! We get our money, then we can go to Paris!"

Spike mumbled under his breathe, "YOU can go to Paris, and then maybe I can get some sleep."

-- --

Things aren't always what they appear.
--Anon
.

The next afternoon Buffy joined Willow and Dawn at the Espresso Pump. She was telling them about the CIA connection when, much to her surprise, Sydney and Dixon walked in. She signaled 'hush' to her companions and sipped her cappuccino and shamelessly eavesdropped. Sydney was talking on her cell phone while Dixon was arranging for two café Americanos to go.

Sydney said, "OK Marshall, we're on our way. You keep watch now, let me know if anything changes." She put her phone away and turned to her partner, "There hasn't been any movement of the suspects' phone since sunrise. We're going to the north side of town, there's some kind of abandoned factory there that Marshall says is the current location of the phone. I wish we could call for backup, but Sloane is absolutely firm that we keep this to the two of us."

"He could at least send some more SD-6 Agents, couldn't he?"

"Apparently not, he thinks a whole crowd of us would attract the attention of local law, something he wishes to avoid. This whole thing is starting to feel like it's not entirely on the up and up to me – some kind of off-the-books operation, or at least a little further off the books than usual for us. Still, it's got to be safer than Afghanistan, or any of a dozen other places we've been in the last few years."

Sydney glanced around and noticed Buffy looking at them. Buffy quickly looked away. Sydney noted that, but she felt that they were too far away to be overheard. Still, she nudged Dixon and when she got his attention raised her eyebrows towards Buffy's table. "Isn't that the girl who made that prodigious jump yesterday morning? She should be a track star."

"Yep," said Dixon, "that's her all right. I never forget a face."

"Oh Dix," replied Syd, "you never forget a pretty young woman either."

"Hush up Syd, she's young enough to be my daughter, get your mind out of the gutter! You know very well that Diane is more than enough woman for any man. Come on, let's go to work, I'm obviously not keeping you busy enough."

"Not to worry Dix, I'm just screwing with your head," Sydney frowned as her cell phone rang. She answered it, "Hello, this is Sydney." She sat and signaled Dixon to sit. "Oh hi Francie … yeah I've got a minute, we're taking a coffee break … oh no! Not again! … You've got to stop that … yeah, I'll help. Look, I have to go now, but tomorrow we'll take care of it. Bye Francie."

Sydney noticed Buffy had her head down; she appeared to be trying to keep from laughing at something. But her friends' attention seemed to be on something else entirely, it appeared. Syd couldn't help but wonder if that girl's hearing was as good as her jumping ability. She wouldn't normally entertain such thoughts, but the fight they'd had yesterday seemed tinged with the supernatural. She shook her head as if to clear cobwebs from her brain and said to Dixon, "Come on, we've work to do."

-- --

'Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.'
-–P.J. O'Rourke

-- --

"I've got to go guys," said Buffy, as she watched Sydney and Dixon get into their black Suburban with all the interesting looking goodies in the back, "I think it may be time to introduce ourselves to these people."

"But Buffy, you're gonna have a hard time following them, with you being on foot and all," said Willow.

"Nah, I know where they're going. But I think this may require the services of the Scooby gang, why don't you get Giles and Xander and meet me at the factory? It will help to have Giles along when it comes to the convincing department. And drop off Dawn at home, I don't want Mom worrying unnecessarily."

"Drop me off in what sister dearest? We're all walking, remember?" Dawn sneered.

"Dawnie, please, just go home."

"NO! I am GOING to finish my hot chocolate AND my biscotti while you're off playing with your stupid vampires, THEN I'll go home WHEN I'm good and ready!" Dawn said with a fourteen year olds' stubbornness.

Buffy sighed and turned to leave – she was too angry to say anything. Dawn waved at Willow and sipped from her cup while watching Buffy. As soon as Buffy was out of sight, Dawn slipped off her chair and followed.

-- --

'Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.'
-–Carl Sagan

-- --

"So Dixon, what the hell are we going to do about this? I mean, vampires don't exist, do they?" They were driving though the warehouse district north of town, heading towards the factory, just passing the Bronze.

"Let's just keep telling ourselves that, Sydney, vampires don't exist. That's fictional stuff, Hollywood fantasy, nothing to do with us. Those guys turning to dust? That was … it was just a … some kind of natural pheno… Oh damn it all to hell and back! Who are we kidding Syd?"

Sydney said reflectively, "Well, lets see, we have fang marks, turning to dust on decapitation, horrible growling, fangs, strange facial morphology, unnatural strength, and, unless my powers of observation have completely atrophied, poor Able Montague had been drained of most of his blood. What I can't figure out, what leaves me totally stumped, is why did the one I was fighting turn to dust? I didn't do anything! I was shifting my center around to kick him again, concentrating on getting into the right position, watching my balance, watching for weapons, and – shazam! – he turned to dust! I can tell you that sure threw my balance off. It was so unexpected I nearly broke something when I hit the floor!"

"Well then, here's one more piece of the puzzle," replied Dixon, "I didn't want to say anything because I am not at all certain of what I saw, but I could have sworn I saw something flash by. It was entirely in my peripheral vision, so I can't say I got a good look, but it looked like some kind of weapon, a knife or stake or something, came from somewhere up and behind me – right into the back of your vampire, just before he dusted. God, just saying the word makes me feel foolish! I think, Sydney, that we need to collect more evidence, and perhaps we will have to keep open minds. But you know, it's far more likely that somebody is playing a massive trick on us, I mean vampires, come on! Of course, if I am right about the weapon, that means that somebody around here is following us around and trying to keep us safe. That's a little freaky when you think about it."

"I wonder if it's our track star, the way she keeps turning up. First, I almost ran her down, and then I saw walking past the warehouse when we had the truck parked outside later that same afternoon. Then she showed up at that coffee place a few minutes ago."

"You're really reaching Syd."

"Yeah, I know, but that dusting business has really screwed with my head, the world – at least the world here in Sunnydale – has layers that I never expected outside of the Twilight Zone. Really, I just want to finish this mission and go back to LA where there aren't any vampires!"

Sydney drove to the warehouse at the address Marshall sent them. She didn't see any cars around, or people, so she drove up to the nearest door and parked. "Well Dix, I guess we'll just walk in the front door and see what happens."

"Is that the wisest choice?" Dixon asked as they got out of the car.

"Don't know, I can't think of any reasonable explanation to be here, if we should happen to run into anyone who is here legitimately. And I can't think of a good reason to choose one entrance over another, so – the front door may save time."

Dixon opened the door and motioned Sydney ahead into what appeared to be an abandoned office, albeit on with no ceiling – it was open to the warehouse overhead. As they hesitantly advanced, the inner door suddenly slammed open and Harmony backed in, carrying the Iron Box. She turned around and everybody had an 'Ah-Hah!' moment – then Sydney grabbed for the box. But she was unprepared for Harmony's strength and tenacity: Harmony hung on to the box as if it were glued to her and knocked Sydney to the floor.

Harmony, still holding on to the Rambaldi Artifact – leapt straight up some twenty feet and grabbed on to a catwalk. She jumped over the rail and ran off into the gloom.

The front door slammed open (the doors in this place seemed incapable of operating like a regular doors) and Giles, Xander and Willow rushed in.

"What in the blue blazes of hell is going on here!" shouted Sydney, to everyone in general. Dixon obviously felt the same way, but he was having a hard time saying anything.

"Hi, my name is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And this is Giles, Willow and Xander. And guys, this is Sydney and this is Dixon. They're CIA agents. They wish to recover that iron box that Harmony had, although I don't know why."

Sydney looked a little like a fish, she was opening and closing her mouth in total surprise at Buffy's introductions. "No, no, we're not CIA, really, we're private detectives, we're licensed!" she said, while waving her arms about. She shut up when she realized that it probably wasn't possible to be any less convincing.

"Sure, whatever you say Sydney," Buffy said with a grin, "but I did overhear your conversation in Spike's old crypt. Still, none of us is going to go around blabbing about your business."

Giles added, "By the way, what does the CIA think of vampires? Oh sorry, I meant: your 'detective' agency."

Dixon and Sydney looked at each other with a certain amount of despair. Oh, this had better not get back to Sloane or their asses would be toast, their expressions said to each other.

"Um, we don't actually know what our – clients – want these artifacts for, but we're paid to get them from time to time, so we do. Also, we have an interest in finding out who murdered Mr. Able Montague, whose corpse we found in the surprisingly public crypt that we thought was private. Do you have anything to add Dixon?"

"Our, uh agency, knows nothing of vampires and furthermore, I feel certain that they do not wish to know anything about vampires and would probably treat with deep suspicion anyone who tried to claim, officially or unofficially, that vampires exist."

"Well," said Buffy, "I know who your murderer is, it's a vampire named Spike, AKA William the Bloody. You probably don't want to know how he got either of his names. The trick is gonna to be finding him. The other vampire you've met, the girl with the box – her name is Harmony. She's a ditz, but she could be a dangerous ditz. Although her chief survival skill is the ability to run away when the going gets tough, she'll turn and kill when cornered. I guess, if you want your box, you'd better follow me."

Buffy nonchalantly opened the door (which slammed to the wall) to the warehouse and marched through. Outside the door she stopped by a railing that overlooked a large concrete pit. The others crowded behind her, a look of near-despair on some faces. Below them, standing around in vamp-face, were about twenty vampires, and they looked ready for battle.

"Oh hell," said Sydney, "let's get out of here!"

Buffy smiled at her, "Watch me, I'm going to show you what a Slayer is!"

"Buffy no!" exclaimed Giles, "there's too many! Even you can't fight that many at once!"

"Stakes all around Giles." Buffy opened her bag, grabbed a couple of stakes, tossed the remainder to Giles, and jumped to the top of the railing and stylishly somersaulted over the heads of the vampires and landed in the middle. As she landed, she whipped around in a circle with stakes in both hands and three vampires dusted right then. Two others ducked and then hit her simultaneously, she flew several yards horizontally and knocked down two more, one of whom dusted as she rolled to her feet. She kicked out at another and spun around kicking three – she flipped up into the air and came down upside down with her hands around another neck. She twisted her body while still in the air and twisted that vamps head right off, dusted.

In the meantime, the rest of the Scoobies grabbed weapons, Giles and Xander fired crossbows into the crowd, and Willow tried out a new weapon (new to her, it was probably 40,000 years old in concept) – she grabbed her new spear thrower (AKA the atlatl) and several short spears, or long skinny stakes depending on your point of view, and started flinging spears into the vampires. In short order five more were dust. By now the crowd had thinned out enough that the vamps were able to dodge incoming spears and arrows, so the gang grabbed stakes and jumped into battle. Sydney and Dixon looked at each other, smiled slightly, grabbed stakes and also entered the field of action.

Buffy had gotten two more in the meantime; it wasn't long before the battle was one-to-one. Another minute of intense fighting and three more were gone. At two people per vamp, it took only seconds to end it.

Everyone except Buffy was trying to catch their breath, looking around a little wildly, happy to have been successful. Buffy was calm and collected, looking for the escape hatch for the vamps that got away – Harmony and possibly Spike, even though he hadn't been in evidence.

"Well," said Giles, "that was bracing. Does anyone have any clue as to what might be next?"

Buffy replied, "Well, it's really up to our quote detectives unquote, are you guys still determined to find your Artifact?"

"Yes," said Sydney, "that's our mission. But it's time for me to earn my salary, I'll call in and see if there is a new location for Able's cell phone." She dug out her cell phone and called Marshall.

"Marshall? This is Syd. Yes, hi, look Marshall, we lost em. They had quite a few, uh, confederates in the warehouse and we had to fight our way out. They all scattered to the winds," Buffy rolled her eyes at that phrase, "and the main bad guys took off during the fight. If you could locate that phone again it would really be helpful." She paused to listen. After a few moments she said, "Mmmm, OK, thanks," and she hung up. She looked around, climbed up a convenient ladder out of the pit and found a red cell phone lying on a shelf. She picked it up, displayed it to the rest, and said, "Well, anyone have any new ideas?"

Willow frowned and asked, "How the heck does your guy track a cell phone that's turned off?"

"You know Willow, I asked that very same question. And I am sorry to say that I couldn't begin to understand the answer. All I can say is it has something to do with satellites, capacitors and batteries. Beyond that, I really don't know."

-- --

After dark Sydney and Buffy walked into Willy's to see if there were any notes from the underground, while Dixon was with Willow, Giles, and Dawn, having a research party back at the Magic Box.

Willy looked up when the front door slammed open and said loudly, "Hey, it's the Slayer. Look guys, the Slayer's come round to our little neck of the woods!"

Buffy smiled grimly at Willy as patrons cleared the back doors. "So Willy, what's new in town?"

"Ah, this wouldn't be another Slayer would it?" Willy asked nervously while checking out Sydney, "cause if she is its cool, but how many of you chicks are there?"

"No Willy," said Sydney, "I am a private detective, not a Slayer. But I can make trouble for you." She glanced at Buffy, tossing the ball so to speak. Sydney really felt out of place. She was having trouble just taking in the various weird people and demons and such that were still slinking out of the bar.

"Willy, have you seen Harmony or Spike today?" asked Buffy with a smile that made Willy shiver in his shoes, "and would you happen to have any suggestions as to where we might find them now?"

"Well Slayer, it's like this, if I tell you what you want to know, Spike might decide to kill me, or Harmony might kill me by accident. You know how it is, I can't just blurt out what little I know, and besides, I don't know nothin' bout anythin'!"

WHAM!

"OW! OW! What ja go an do that for!" exclaimed Willy, as he experimentally moved his jaw back and forth to see if it was broken.

"Willy, Willy, Willy. You know you're going to tell me everything I need to know, or I start whaling on you. Even worse, I'll get Faith down here and you just know that she'll take a great deal of pleasure in spattering your blood all over the place."

"Wait, Faith is still in a coma at the hospital…"

"So Willy, you don't know 'nothin' bout anythin' do you?" said Buffy, with a little smile at Sydney.

"Well Slayer, that's common knowledge, but as far as Spike and Harmony, well, that could be dangerous to me."

"What would be dangerous to you," said Sydney, "is if you don't start talking immediately. I have friends who can make you very uncomfortable, so much pain over hours, even days, that you'll talk and talk and talk, until…"

Willy looked a little shook up at that. "OK, OK! Look, I don't know a whole lot about their business, but Harmony said something about going back for her unicorns. I didn't think unicorns really existed, but when you see some of my clientele maybe it's not so far fetched. Anyway, that's about all I know."

Buffy said, "Drat, I should have looked there first!"

"Unicorns?" asked Sydney with raised eyebrows, "surely not!"

"Oh, they're cheap ceramics, back at the crypt where you guys found poor Able's corpse. The bedroom area you saw to get there."

"Oh yeah, I remember now."

-- --

As Sydney and Buffy walked out of Willy's, Buffy turned and asked, "You weren't serious about torturing Willy, were you?"

"No, no, of course not. The CIA doesn't do that sort of thing, you know, what with the Constitution and all those tedious rules and regulations."

"Oh, good. I was worried there for a moment."

"No, we just turn prisoners over to our friends in Afghanistan – they take care of our all our torturing needs." At Buffy's look of horror, Sydney laughed and added, "Just kidding!"

A few moments later Buffy borrowed Syd's cell phone. "Hi mom! I just thought I'd check in to let you know I'll be in a little late tonight." (Listens to phone.) "What do mean? I'm sure I call you all the time, no mom, of course everything is fine, no, really." (Listens) "No, Dawn isn't with me, why should she be? I sent her home around three this afternoon!" (Listens) "I'll look for her, I'll get Giles and the CIA looking for if I have to! No, I'm sure she's fine, no, that was just a joke! Look, I think I know where to look, I've got to go, don't worry so much, bye mom!"

"Trouble?" asked Syd, with a frown.

"Yeah, my sister's missing. The trouble is, I really have no idea where to look."

"Was that the younger girl that I saw with you at the coffee bar?"

"Yes, that was Dawn, a right pain in the ass, but she's my sister so I have to find her, and get her out of a jam, again."

"Could she have followed you to the factory?"

"Probably," replied Buffy, "so that's where we'll start. And besides, it's on the way to Harmony's lair. May I make a couple more calls on your phone?"

"Sure, go ahead, but only if you promise not to make any more CIA references."

"Spoilsport!"

-- --