Continuing on from the last chapter.
There was a thoughtful silence in the car. Katie was driving, and Jessie was in the passenger seat, both were throwing small smiles to each other.
Eli and Grace were in the back, both staring out the window, to the dark streets they passed.
ELI how much longer can I keep my past a secret?
Eli turned to Grace, hoping she'd look at him….but she didn't…she continued to stare out the window, ignoring him, her anger probably building….
ELI…I suppose I could never tell her….or anybody for that matter….
He cleared his throat and looked to the front, "so…looking forward to tomorrow….?" He asked lamely.
Katie and Jessie shared a quick glance, and a wide smile; "yes!" Jessie beamed, without turning to her brother.
ELI so why do I get this feeling like…. I should tell her….as though I have to…to lift a weight….?
Grace looked to the front, ignoring Eli as he stared at her, "does the evening have to end like this?" she asked slowly, trying so hard not to turn and look Eli in the eye….afraid she might glare at him….
ELI is it because I want her to know me? To see me?
Jessie turned around to Grace, an eyebrow raised; "why?….what do you have in mind?…"
Grace gave a devious smile, "La La!" she replied, mischievously.
All at once, Katie and Jessie squealed, and Grace laughed; leaving Eli in the dark as to why they'd suddenly become hysterical.
"What's La La?" he asked, confused, feeling left out.
Grace ignored him, Katie looked in the rear-view mirror to answer him, "this great little club the three of us found last Christmas holidays….when Grace came down for a few weeks…." She said.
Eli nodded, "and…you want to go there…now?" he asked, clearly opposed to the idea.
"Eli…it's only 10:00!" Jessie replied with a smile and roll of her eyes.
Grace smiled aswell, "you're not done for the evening, are you?" she asked.
ELI but who's to say that once she knows….about what happened….she wont like what she sees?
Eli didn't want to be the party-pooper, so he smiled and shook his head, "of course not! Lets go to La La! It sounds like….err….fun!". He didn't mention that 10:00 was the time of night when he'd already been sound asleep for close to 3 hours….
"Good!" Grace said, glaring at him slightly, "I'm glad you're not too worn out….yet!"
"2 more shots, thanks!" Grace smiled at the bartender who handed her two small shots, and then made her way back to the table where Eli sat, slowly sipping his warm beer, looking out at the crowded dance floor….he was looking painfully out of place in the dimly lit, bursting club atmosphere. A loud Sean Paul song was playing, half naked bodies were crushing together….it wasn't very Eli…who sat perfectly still by the table, in his chord pants and blue shirt….not to mention the shoes.
Grace felt a bit more involved in the scene; she wore her favourite jeans, black books and a cute little white top with a black swirly print on it. Her hair was tied in a loose bun, and she'd put on a bit of Katie's red lipstick, and some of Jessie's eye shadow.
"Here!" she said, handing Eli a shot.
"Oh…no thanks…" he said, waving it aside.
Grace shrugged and placed it on the table, taking up a seat, "whatever…" she murmured, looking out to the dance floor. She spotted Jessie and Katie amidst the people, dancing closely together, the beat of the song pulsating through them. They looked great out there.
Eli took another sip from his drink and scanned the rest of the stuffy club. He spotted a group of women, who looked to be on a hens night, ogling some men at a near-by table who showed no interest…. probably because they were half the women's age….and the women were all quite drunk and loud.
He looked back to Grace, who was staring out at the dance floor. She'd quickly put on some makeup and looked gorgeous…. He wanted to talk to her….wanted to discuss the argument they'd had…but the music was so loud and she didn't seem to mind the silence between them….so he remained quiet, sipping his warm beer, and looked back to the dance floor.
That was when Eli spotted a guy, about his age, eyeing Grace. He didn't think she'd noticed the dusty blonde haired college student, but she must have, because when he turned back to her, she was smiling in his direction….and next thing Eli knew…the dusty blonde was walking to their table.
"HELLO!" the guy yelled above the music…Eli winced.
"HEY!" Grace replied with a smile.
The guy motioned towards the two shot glasses that were sitting on the table, Grace nodded, and the guy picked one up, knocking it back quickly and smiling when he placed it on the table again.
"DANCE WITH ME?" he yelled, and Grace laughed….
ELI she finds this funny?
"HOW DO YOU KNOW IM NOT WITH HIM?" she asked, yelling, and motioning towards Eli.
The guy looked at Eli, and gave an annoyingly sexy smile, and then he leaned in close to Grace; "CAUSE IF HE WAS WITH YOU….HE'D BE DANCING WITH YOU…I KNOW I WOULD!"
Eli rolled his eyes and sniggered, "GRACE…" Eli started, but Grace just gave him a look from the corner of her eye, and then nodded to the guy.
"NAME?" she asked.
"ERIC!" he replied, "YOU?"
"GRACE!"
"THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL…."
Eli rolled his eyes again and watched as 'Eric' led her down to the dance floor, "DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD?" he tried yelling out, but Grace ignored him, throwing a disinterested glance over her shoulder.
Eli sighed and watched them, as Eric placed his hands on Grace's hips and watched them move to the rhythm. Grace laughed…and Eli frowned….
"That's really beautiful…" he mimicked in a mutter.
He looked away, to the table of drunken hens….one of them, a woman in her 40's, wearing a bright, floral shirt, winked at Eli and waved for him to come over. He turned away, feeling blood rush to his cheeks.
"HEY! SEXY!" the woman called out, and Eli's blush increased. He stood up abruptly, heading towards the bar, he ordered another beer and a bloody Mary for Grace; hoping to tempt her with the drink, to get her away from Eric.
He sat back down, but the drunken 40-year-old hen was still giving him the eye; so he caught Grace's attention, by yelling out to her as loud as he could, and then held the drink up for her to see.
She nodded towards him, whispered something in Eric's ear, and headed back to Eli's table, leaving Eric dancing.
"Thanks" she murmured, taking the drink from him and sipping it.
They said nothing; Grace looked around the room, and noticed the old woman waving frantically at Eli.
"Go on…" Grace started, "…. dance with her…!"
Eli looked up to her, "I want to dance with you!" he yelled.
Grace pretended not to hear him; instead, she sculled the rest of the drink and ran away to find Eric again. Eli sighed, and shielded his face from the drunk.
"This is just great…" he murmured, under his breath.
Grace's moves were sluggish and clumsy. She knew she wasn't dancing sexily anymore….she knew how stupid she looked…trying to keep her footing. She came close to falling on her ass a few times, when her dance moves were too quick for her head to keep up with….luckily Eric had caught her everytime and propped her body up against his.
They'd been at the club for two hours now. Katie and Jessie had been dancing the whole time, and every once in a while heading outside for some air. And Eli still sat at the table…
"I need water…" Grace murmured.
"C'mon honey…keep dancing…." Eric replied loudly.
"No…I want to stop dancing…." She murmured again.
Eric didn't say anything, just kept her body propped up against his chest.
"I said…stop!" Grace suddenly yelled, finding some energy and co-ordination to shove him away.
"Fine! Stupid bitch!" Eric said, and stormed off across the dance floor to find a new girl to prop up.
Grace had to stand still for a moment, which was hard to do with so many bodies jumping around, shoving her here and there.
Eventually, Eli spotted her stumbling through the crowd. He leapt up from his seat and ran to her, taking her by the hand and trying to lead her out.
"Just…let me stop for a second…." She murmured, brining a hand to her head.
Eli sighed, "Come on!" he said, bending down, tucking one hand behind her legs and another against her back, cradling her in his arms and standing up again, adjusting her arms to rest around his neck, he took her out of the dance floor….and headed towards the front exit for some air.
He lowered her to her feet; she leaned against a wall and caught her breath.
"I only had a few drinks,…" she mumbled.
"Did Eric buy you some?" Eli asked, a little angrily.
She nodded and sighed, trying to control her breathing, "where is Eric anyway?" she asked lamely.
Eli rolled his eyes and laid a hand on her shoulder, trying to get a look at her face, "just….relax…breathe…you'll be ok!"
"I know I will!" she said, nodding slowly.
Eli leaned against the wall aswell, crossing his arms; he waited until Grace could stand without support.
"See….I'm ok…" she mumbled groggily.
Eli looked to her, trying so hard to stand on her own two feet…he felt embarrassed for her…
"Jesus Grace….did you have to do this tonight…of all nights?" he muttered.
"Do what!" Grace asked harshly, squinting up at him.
Eli rolled his eyes and sighed, turning his head away from her, "forget it!" he hissed, not wanting to explain anything to her in this drunken state.
"NO!" she demanded, "tell me! What did I do that was such a goddam inconvenience!"
Eli sighed again, angry this time, "what did you do?" he muttered to himself under his breath, and then he built up enough courage and anger to look her in the eye, "what did you do? You wanna know what you did?" he raised an eyebrow and she nodded pathetically.
"You walked right back into my life and I can't handle it! I can't handle you!"
She was stunned for a moment. Even in her drunken state, she knew what he was saying….she just couldn't really comprehend it….was that because she'd had way too much to drink? Or was Eli really not making sense?
"Wh….what?" she asked.
He sighed again and folded his arms tighter against the cold, "nothing…forget it…just….just….stop talking, ok?"
"No! Tell me exactly what the hell that meant!" she hissed, trying hard not to projectile-vomit.
He remained tight lipped for a moment…until Grace shoved him in the arm….and he was forced to turn back to her and frown…. "It means I was ok! I was getting over the whole Isabelle thing…I was right where I wanted to be in my career…and then you come in….and everything is….is…"
"Is what?" she demanded.
"Is…. mixed up…confused…. off-balance…..!"
"Well sorry!" she mumbled.
"Don't be!" Eli suddenly yelled back.
Grace huffed, steadied herself, and gave him an evil eye; "Jesus Eli!" she hissed angrily, "…. you cant handle me?….what the hell does that mean? It sounds like you want me to be sorry for stepping back into you're life…and then you turn around and tell me not to be!….what in the hell does all that mean!"
"Nothing!" He yelled back, throwing his hands on the air, "it means…maybe I had too much to drink….and I don't know what I'm saying!"
"Too much to drink? HA! You use that excuse all the time!…like when you slept with me….you blamed that mistake on 'too much to drink' aswell!"
Eli was quiet for a moment, dead still, he stared at Grace's frowning face; "mistake?" he asked, slowly and huskily.
Grace turned away, clumsily tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, "Yes….I'm beginning to think you and I ever rekindling what we once had was a mistake….a mistake we should have seen coming a mile away….!"
"A mistake?" he repeated, quietly again.
She looked him straight in the eye, a frown etched so deeply into her face; "YES! A mistake!" she yelled, and turned, heading for the entrance.
Eli looked to the ground. It was 12:30, and so dark out. There was a cool breeze and a large moon burning the night sky…but not a star in sight….
He didn't really take Grace's comments seriously….she was drunk after all, and probably wouldn't remember a word of what she'd said in the next couple of hours when she'd sobered up!
But still…. He felt like he needed to hold onto her…give her something back in order to make her stay with him…tell her something she was dying to know….?
ELI (looks up into camera with a stern face)
It was 1:00 as Katie pulled into the motel car park.
"You sure you can manage?" she asked, turning around to look at Eli in the back seat.
He glanced over at Grace, who was doubled over with a sour face…beginning to sober up…
"Yeah….I'll be fine…" he murmured, stepping out of the car and walking around to Grace's side to help her out.
"Thanks for a great evening guys!" Jessie smiled.
As the car pulled out, Jessie wound her window down, stuck her head out and yelled; "today is my wedding day!" as the car sped off.
Grace tried hard not to smile, afraid she might vomit, and Eli waved them goodbye.
"You want some help?" he asked, turning to her.
She looked up at the massive motel building before her, their room on the top floor…. "err….yah….maybe…." she grumbled.
Eli held her hand as she made her way up every gruelling step, moaning as her legs made the up and down motions seem unbearable, and she struggled to keep her balance….which wasn't easy….since she had a pounding at the side of her temples.
"Here we are…." Eli said, swinging their door open.
"Sleep…." Grace moaned, stumbling over to the bed, lowering herself down and curling up as tight as she could go.
Eli lifted the blanket from his own bed, and draped it over her. Then he took off her shoes, poured her a glass of water, and sat down on the side of her bed, neither saying anything for a while.
"You've never seen my dunk before…." She finally murmured from beneath the blanket.
"Sure I have…." He replied, slipping off his own shoes.
"Have you?" she asked, and then moaned, "god…I cant remember…. I can't even remember what day it is…."
"Jessie and Katie's wedding day…."
Grace moaned again, louder this time, and deeper.
Eli gave a small smile, "you'll be right…just sleep it off…"
"I feel awful"
He turned around, and looked at her small body, she was shielding her face with the blanket, "not much of a partier, hmmm?"
Grace was silent for a moment, "…not really…. I only drink like that when I'm really upset…"
"Really upset?"
Grace was quiet again, and then she cleared her sore throat; "look Eli…I am way too hung over to have a deep, profound conversation with you about the angst we are both feeling…. So let me just say that, yes, I am upset…. about you….about how you wont share anything with me…." She gave a small sigh and continued, "but I am pretty sure that I said some horrible things to you this evening…..and I am sorry for that…. I was upset and would just like to clear it up now by saying that I didn't mean anything and you shouldn't take it to heart….ok?"
He smiled, "ok…."
He reached a hand beneath the covers, tucking it down to reveal her face. Grace closed her eyes, and Eli ran a hand through her hair.
"I missed being with you…." He murmured.
"Hmmmm?" Grace replied groggily.
"For all those 5 years…I'm just realizing now how much I missed you…." He creased his brow as he studied her sleeping face.
"Oh…." Grace murmured.
"…I can see now what she meant…"
"What who meant?" Grace asked, sloppily, not really understanding what he was talking about…she drifted into a drunken sleep…
"Isabelle…." Eli replied, still touching her hair, running his fingers gently through it; "….she always told me something was missing with me….with us…..and now I understand what that meant…."
He still studied Grace's face, as he thought back….it wasn't so long ago another woman had been in his life….he'd been in love….or so he thought….and suddenly, all his memories of Isabelle came flooding back….and he couldn't help but tell them to the sleeping Grace….
"She was a writer….a children's book writer….she and her agent came in to discuss the book signing she was going to have at our store. Her agent had been running late, so she and I were left alone in my office for nearly half an hour…making idle chat…." Eli brought his hand away from Grace's face, running it through his own hair, he sighed and continued, half sure that Grace was still awake to hear all this.
"….Isabelle had this mass of red curls….and amazing blue eyes…..she had beautiful eyes…" he gave a sad laugh, it was the first time he'd ever laughed when recounting Isabelle….since they broke up.
"She was funny….we talked about this and that….and I found myself asking her out to dinner…..actually…." he laughed again, and sighed, "…. I was more begging her to come out to dinner with me! I was so sure she was married…or at least seeing someone!"
He turned back to Grace, feeling a bit guilty for speaking so highly of another woman in front of her, even though now, he knew for sure that she was asleep…soft, humming breaths escaping her lips as she slept soundly….but he still continued….and he didn't know why….maybe he just had to talk to someone about this….even if that someone wasn't listening.
"It was my second year in Philadelphia….I'd met woman….gone on dates….but nothing ever stuck…until Isabelle. We went out the following week…and she just blew me away…she was funny, intelligent, witty….she reminded me a lot of you…always keeping me on my feet. I ended up making another date with her….and from there….it just grew" he paused for a moment, looking down at his hands, "….I was happy with her, and I thought she was with me too….but she'd always say little things that kept me questioning. She always told me I didn't let her in….even when I thought I was….she mentioned a few times that she thought I was missing someone…. I told her I missed Jessie….because we were so close" he looked to Grace again, "but now I think it was you I was missing…."
"I loved Isabelle….even though our relationship was nothing what you and I had….it was very different…we didn't laugh as much….or at least I didn't" he sighed, heavily, "I wasn't fair to her, Grace. I didn't give her all of me, I kept her at a distance….even though she loved me….and I knew she did…very much…I feel guilty about it now…always keeping her at arms length"
Eli bit his bottom lip, and saw that his hands were shaking slightly; "after 12 months I could feel that we were coming to an end….but she loved me so much….I think that's why….why…." he started to choke up, but continued anyway, taking a small breath, "….why she became pregnant….I think she wanted to hold onto me and that was the only way that she could see how…"
He sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his hair. So glad that Grace wasn't awake to hear this.
"…When she told me…she could see in my face that I didn't want it. She asked me if I loved her, and I said that I did….but I know she didn't believe me….and I felt so bad…so I stupidly asked her to marry me…..you know what she said?" he turned to Grace and waited a moment, "…she ran into the bathroom and locked herself in there for an hour….I had to propose to her 10 times through the bathroom door…convince her that I did still love her and that I wanted the baby….and then she finally came out and accepted…."
"….We waited a few weeks before telling anyone….we announced the wedding…but not the baby… I told her to keep that a secret for a while. But you know….even with all that… a wedding and a kid….I still wanted to end it….I still felt like chucking it in with her and walking away…and she knew it….she started accusing me of not loving her, and pulling away from her…and the thing is…. I was…. I didn't want her or the baby. And that's what was so hard and terrible about it….when I got a phone call saying she was in the hospital…."
Eli was really trembling now, he felt hot tears in his eyes…but still kept speaking.
"….she'd had a miscarriage…started bleeding a few hours after I'd left for work that morning….I walked into that white room and saw her lying there. She'd been crying….and when she saw me….her face sort of…lit up"
he swiped at the tears, and kept going….
"She told me she'd lost the baby…and then she grabbed at me…held me close and cried into my shirt….but when she pulled away and looked up at me….she saw….she saw that slight relief….and that was it….she yelled and screamed at me….had a fit…told me to get out…..and I did…. I walked away….and….hard as it is to admit…. I was relieved…."
He looked to Grace, his eyes so watery . "I'm sorry now….I really am…I'd give anything to change it…." He whispered, swiping at the tears again.
ELI (crying into his hands) she loved me….and I didn't want her….
"I didn't want to hurt her the way I did….and I am so sorry….because I did love her….in the beginning…. I did….a part of me still does…."
He cried, even though Grace couldn't hear him…hadn't heard anything of his confessions.
He knew he'd have to tell her all later….he knew that she had to know….and he wondered if he'd be able to find the courage to re-tell his story.
He wondered if Grace would still feel the same way about him….once she found out what he had done….he didn't even want to live with himself….would she?
