Tale 5. It takes a thief to catch a thief

Bound hand and foot, I was led into the presence of the Pharaoh and his court.

"Ku, ku, ku! Sending you entire army just to overpower me? Fight me like a man! This is hardly your style, Pharaoh."

"On you knees! Thief!" The captain of the guards ordered.

"No, stop, Jouno-san," The Pharaoh said.

"But Pharaoh-sama!"

"Jouno!"

"Well! What do you want from me?"

"I didn't send my army to capture you just so I could kill you… oh, no! I have a job for you… King-of-Thieves-Nahkti…"

I ate with the Pharaoh that evening. They had untied me but I was still chained to a guard. They were afraid I would be too dangerous… and they were right!

"Well… umph… what is… yum… this job… gulp… you have for me?" I asked, between bites. The Pharaoh gritted his teeth uncomfortably at my horrible manners while his courtiers regarded me with a look of horror. It made me giggle quietly.

"I need you to steal something for me."

"Hahahahah! You need to steal something? Well, you've come to the right person what exactly is it you need me to steal?"

"My queen, erm, has been stolen… erm, kidnapped."

"He he, fallen in love with someone else has she? Well I'll…"

The Pharaoh coughed loudly, cutting off my little joke. "She's been kidnapped by the king of an enemy nation and I need you to help me get her back."

"Well, feh!" I replied, "Why can't someone else go rescue her? Better yet, why don't you, Pharaoh Atemu, go and play hero and save her yourself? Or are you just trying to humiliate me by making me play your games before you kill me?"

"It's not quite so simple as that. The enemy has a thief."

"The enemy king… owns… a thief? Well that's a pretty pathetic thief! No good thief abides to rules of any kind!" I retorted.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain but you see, some kings have these royal thieves. They go steal stuff for them from enemies. Like good weapons, magic…etc. This thief has hidden Queen Teanna somewhere and I need you to go steal her back for me. If you do, I'll give you a lot of gold and 6 months off to not have to take the full punishment if you get caught. Good deal, ne?"

I sniffed, "And if I don't do this… little task… for you. What will you do to me?"

He sipped his wine. "I'll kill you."

"Humph! And what good will that do you? If I'm gone who'll get your precious shari?"

"What good will it do me? Well let's see… I'll be rid of a dangerous thief who's terrorizing my people, oh, yeah, and you're out to kill me so that's one less person who's trying to assassinate me… need I say more?"

I was irritated. The Pharaoh was playing his courtly word games with me. It wasn't fair. I wasn't some high-bred lord.

He waited, "Deal?" he asked.

"Deal!" I replied. We shook on it. He looked rather uncomfortable I "think" I "accidentally" grabbed his hand to hard.

I rode along… with Jouno attached to me.

"Now remember, the Pharaoh said no other thieves and no funny stuff… got it?"

"Whatever…"

People stared at us strangely, wondering why I was riding with Captain Jouno. When we reached the city gate, I saw Ryoo waiting there for us.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, y'see news travels fast on the streets of Egypt. You're going to help rescue the Queen! That's so nice of you!" He smiled sweetly at me.

So sweet in fact it made me want to retch…"Nice? I had my life threatened!" I yelled so vigorously that I almost fell off the horse.

"C'mon!" Jouno shouted, "We don't have all day!"

Ryoo jumped onto the back of my horse and grabbed onto me. "I'm going to! Maadrath sent me to keep you out of trouble!" he explained.

"Hey, I said no other thieves!" Jouno yelled, waving his hand threateningly at my Ryoo.

"I'm not a thief!" Ryoo shouted defensively.

"Then what are you?" He glared hard at him.

I quickly covered, "He's my um, slave, yeah…"

"Well, he'd better not murder me in my sleep!"

"I swear by Maat! I would never do such an awful thing!" Ryoo replied, horrified at the thought of killing someone. I don't know why, though, he'd seen me kill people dozens of times.

"Alright… but one false move and you're dead meat!"

Then we kept moving.

Later that evening…

Jouno and I sat glaring bloody daggers at each other by a fire Ryoo had made. We scooted as far away from each other as the chain binding our wrists together would allow. I was sure Jouno shared my thoughts of unchaining us but only the Pharaoh had the key and that was back at Memphis.

"Awww…. C'mon guys, can't you get along," Ryoo whimpered unconvincingly at us. We both just snorted at each other.

From clues picked up from town to town, I pieced together the information and figured out the approximate place where the thief could be hiding. There was a group of small mountains and I figured that's where they were… but Jouno had ideas of his own. He figured the thief had gone right back to his master and the queen was now in the dungeon of the enemy. At the point where we'd either go East or West Jouno and I had a big argument.

"What do you know about this sort of stuff? Thief!" Jouno yelled self-importantly at me.

"I'm a thief! Idiot! I know he wouldn't just go to the first place everyone would look!"

"Thieves? Smart? This has everything to do with politics!"

"Politics? What do you and your fat head know about politics?"

"I've lived with the Pharaoh all my life! I know these sort of things!"

"Well, then, for your fat head's information, this has nothing to do with politics!"

"Of course it does! That's why this happened in the first place! And address me as Jouno-san, thief! Or should I say Jouno-sama!"

"Heh! Omae's more like it! You should be the one showing more respect! And my name's Nahkti! Not thief!"

"I'll call you what ever I want! You…"

"Um… guys… isn't this sort of straying from the point?" Ryoo asked, breaking into the heated fight. He cleared his throat. "Shouldn't we go with Nahkti's plan? I mean, isn't he the one the Pharaoh hired. You're just here to make sure he doesn't just run away or something right?"

"The little guy puts up a pretty good point. Okay, thief XD ,lead on!"

"Heh…"

"I'm not a little guy!"

"Fuwahahahahaha!"

"No taking my evil laugh!"

"… Buwaha…ha…"

We walked into the valley. The mountains on each side were like walls covered in caves. The thief could be in any one.

"Let's try that one!" Jouno pointed.

"No, you fool! That's to close to when we first started looking here. Any smart thief would be hiding farther in!"

"Feh!"

"Don't you 'feh' me! You self-righteous dog!"

"Who are you calling a dog? Dog!"

"If we're going to find the queen, you guys have got to stop it! You're lucky Maadrath sent me or you'd both probably be dead by now!"

We both looked down at Ryoo who was glaring angrily at us. "Now come on!" he grabbed the chain between Jouno and me and began marching the way the thief was most likely hiding.

Just then, I saw something move.

"Ryoo!" I hissed.

"Huh?"

"Look!" I pointed. The silhouette of a man was hiding behind a rock. Ryoo quietly dropped the chain. His eyeballs wandering in the man's direction as he kept walking slowly. I smiled. I had trained him well. Any fool would have noisily let go and jerk his head toward where I indicated. Ryoo had kept the man from noticing we had noticed him. As the man moved Ryoo slowly circled around and followed him from a distance.

"I think we have our thief!" I grinned at him.

"What's going on?" Jouno asked.

"Shhh!" Ryoo and I both shushed him simultaneously.

"Hey, we're back where we started," Jouno stated the obvious. Just then he finally noticed the thief. "There he is!" He shouted, blowing our cover. The man made a run for it toward the first cave Jouno had suggested. Once inside, Jouno began his rejoicing, "See! I told you it was this one! He was just tired and stopped here!"

"I think that's hardly the case! He probably suspected we would suspect him and so hid in the last place he thought a smart person would look."

"Bah! You think too much… oh wait… hey! Are you suggesting I'm a stupid person!"

When we finally reached the man, he fearfully backed against a wall. "No, don't kill me! I'll give you all my money!"

"Feh! This is no thief!" I said. "Just a traveler!"

"Oh," Jouno replied, embarrassed.

"Don't kill me! In the name of Osiris don't hurt me!"

"Coward! I should kill you right now!… but I won't. Tell me what I need to know and no one gets hurt…"

It turned out the man had only been avoiding us and happily showed us which way he had seen the thief take queen Teanna. Ryoo thanked him and we went on our way.

"I guess I was right, huh? Huh?" I asked Jouno playfully.

Jouno just growled.

We searched the caves in the area the man had lost the thief. We found fresh footprints in one of them and a bracelet with the symbol of the Pharaoh on it. Either this thief was as bad as I thought, or the queen was purposely leaving clues for us to follow. That would make the thief stupid either way. He should be able to keep his victims from doing stuff like that. Just then, we heard a sound. I spun around… just barely dodging a dagger that sped toward me. Jouno landed beside me with a thump just as I remembered we were still chained together.

"What was that for?" he demanded.

"Curse you! I just saved our life! Look," I indicated the dagger. I rolled aside grabbing Jouno in the process as another sped toward us. Just then I heard a strangled cry from Ryoo.

"Ryoo-chan!" I shouted.

Jouno stood up dazedly. A man dressed in a black robe walked out of the shadows holding Ryoo. Ryoo was struggling furiously trying to bite him.

"Let go of my Ryoo!" I ordered. "I am the thief king Nahkti and if you are a true thief, you will bow before me!"

The man simply laughed. "I am a thief but not one like you, filthy eta! yeah, this is a Japanese term it is what samurai called the lowest class peasants."

I growled at the insult. Just then, Jouno decided for some reason the man would listen to him even though he already ignored me, "In the name of the Pharaoh, turn over the queen!"

"Who are you?" The man laughed.

"I am the captain of the guard Jouno and if you don't release the queen now… em, you don't want to know…"

"That's right… you don't want to know what I'll do to you if you don't leave now!" The man lunged at us with a large saber. Jouno and I leapt in opposite directions. We were doomed. The saber came down… and chopped the chain keeping us together in half. I smiled despite of myself. I allowed myself the quick luxury of sticking my tongue out at Jouno then tackled the man, knocking Ryoo out of his arms. Jouno caught him.

"Uh… hi?" Ryoo said as he landed.

I jerked a knife out of my belt and soon the thief and I were in a death-lock.

"Give up! I am the king of thieves! There are no thieves better than me in the whole world!"

"Guess again!" He laughed as he kicked me in the groin.

I grunted in pain as I hit the cave wall.

"Nahkti-sama!" Ryoo yelled running toward me.

"No! Get away Ryoo! You! Jouno get Ryoo out of here! I get the queen if it's the last thing I do!"

Ryoo sniffled as Jouno dragged him out the cave, "Isn't that just so noble of him…"

"Noble? Darn you! I'm just trying to prove a point to this pathetic excuse for a thief!" I yelled after them, as I tackled him again.

We kept fighting. It was together and then apart struggle and then a push and we'd look for each other's weak spots. Suddenly, he was gone.

"Show yourself!" I yelled nervously.

"Huwahahahahahah!"

He had been clinging to the ceiling. I quickly whirled around as he jumped and when he was in midair I thrust two daggers upward, impaling him. I winced as his blood flowed down my hands and onto my sleeves.

Then it occurred to me, I had forgotten to ask where he had hidden the queen. That was stupid of me. Oh well, now he was dead. I dropped his body and went farther into the cave where he had probably hidden her.

The queen was tied up in the back of the cave… and she was smoking mad. Her dress was torn and her hair was a mess.

"Lert merph go dern yr!" She yelled from behind the gag.

It took all I had to keep from laughing. "H-here, let me help you," I said nearly bursting out laughing. I quickly untied her.

"Thanks," she said, spitting and spluttering. "Aaaaaauuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhh," she screamed when she saw who I was. She looked around and grabbed a rock. "Don't, touch, me!" she yelled. Holding the rock up.

"Hahahahahahaha!" I laughed, " I'm not going to hurt you. I wasn't sent your husband the Pharaoh to steal you back from that other man. "Isn't that nice of me?" I winked sarcastically.

Later back with Jouno and Ryoo….

We all sat by a fire eating the food we had brought. Ryoo sat behind the queen, brushing her hair painstakingly.

Since we didn't have a hairbrush, Ryoo had volunteered to make her hair not look like a bush.

"Off!"

"Uhg!"

"Ouch!"

"Hold still!"

"Is it gone yet?"

"Did that guy put excretement in you hair or something?"

"What the heck?"

Yes, painstakingly… emphasis on the pain.

The next morning…

I hid behind the makeshift tent just as the queen woke up and came out. She yawned.

"Hahahaha!" I exclaimed, pushing her against a post. "I stole you so that makes you mine, right?" I grinned suggestively at her.

"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" She screemed.

"Hehe, just kidding scared you didn't I? Huh? Huh?" I laughed and walked away just as Jouno who was still half asleep came to investigate.

"Ots Woing gon?" he asked and passed out.

I snickered.

"You wouldn't dare do that in the presence of my husband," she snapped at me. "Joking, or not!"

"Well," I smiled charmingly, "I'm not…"

"Lowlife!" She shouted.

Oh, so she wanted a name-calling contest did she? That was my specialty.

"Highbred!"

"Eta!"

"Arrogant!"

"You're the one who's arrogant!"

"Well at least I've got a reason!"

"What are you suggesting?"

"I don't suggest you and the queen argue too much. We're going back to Memphis now and if the Pharaoh finds out, you're in big trouble." Jouno. He had come back to his senses. We loaded the tent, the remains of our food, the queen, and Ryoo on the horses and started back to Memphis.

"Why am I loaded on a horse anyway?"

"Yeah! Me to! As the Pharaoh's wife…"

"As the Pharaoh's wife it isn't proper for a lady like you to be walking."

"Jouno! You know I'm not one of those wimpy courtier ladies!"

"Why am I loaded on a horse, Nahkti-sama! Tell me !"

"Heheheheheh…. Cuz you're cargo…"

"Whose?"

"Mine."

"Darn you…"

"No darning me."

"…"
"Jouno-san! Let me off this horse! I know how to walk!"

Back at Kuru Eruna…

"So, how'd it go, Nahkti?" Maadrath asked.

"It was alright."

"Nothing too horrible I suppose."

"No, quite the opposite! I get cash, a horse, and six months of free pass without being executed if I get caught! Yeah!"

"Don't get too reckless."

"Nahkti I'm not cargo!"