"I'll pick you up from the airport at seven…." Carol murmured into the phone.
Grace hurriedly stuffed a white blouse into her bulging suitcase, she struggled to hold the phone between her cheek and shoulder, "thanks, Carol" she replied, walking to the small closet she and Eli had shared for a week. She took the phone, holding it against her ear, she heard Carol sigh heavily.
"…This is all so screwed up….are you sure you're ok?" she asked.
Grace swallowed back tears, and gave a small nod, "I will be…once I get home…"
She ran her hands along the row of several shirts that were hanging on Eli's side of the closet…she picked up the sleeve of a dark blue one, and brought it to her face. It smelt like Eli, the undeniable fragrance of soap, laundry and a sweet, heavy cologne he wore….
"…Yeah…the sooner the better, right?" Carol asked, and Grace blinked, allowing the sleeve she held to drop from her hand.
"…Yeah…"
"Does he know yet?" Carol asked.
Grace blinked again; she stared at the dark blue shirt for a moment longer.
GRACE Eli…
She reached out, and grabbed the shirt off it's hook, walking briskly back to her suitcase, she stuffed it into the bottom of her pile.
"No…I don't think so…."
"He isn't there yet though?"
"No, not yet….but once he wakes up from his coma, mum will no doubt tell him…"
Carol sighed again, "are you sure there wasn't an earlier flight?"
Grace nodded, "sure, I called and double checked 20 times already!"
Carol sighed again, and Grace bit her bottom lip as she balanced the phone on her shoulder again while zipping her case up.
"Are you really ok?" Carol asked again, a sternness in her voice that Grace couldn't lie to.
"…No…no I'm not…."
"Grace! I hate that I cant be there to take care of you…I mean…you cant talk to anyone about this…not even Jessie!"
"No! Especially not Jessie!" Grace's voice quivered now, and she felt her eyes water.
"She cant know what Eli did…nobody can…" she sighed, "Christ! I didn't even want to know!"
GRACE I said I wanted to know him….know his secrets…. I didn't think knowing would come at such a price.
"…That…that…jerk!" Carol said, bitterly into the phone.
Grace sniffed, and rubbed her eyes, as the zipper finally pulled to the back of her case; "….Carol…" she stammered, wiping at her eyes again.
"What is it Gracie?"
She tried breathing evenly, in an attempt to get her words out…but she couldn't breath…she was choking…
"I...I have to go…see you at seven…" she blurted quickly, and turned her mobile off, tossing it onto the bed, she ran a hand through her hair, and rubbed her eyes again.
She felt her head spin suddenly. Eli's words came flooding back to her, and she quickly sat herself down before she collapsed.
"Grace!" Came a loud call from the hall, and then the door flung open, and Eli appeared.
Grace moved quickly. She stood up and grabbed her suitcase. It was heavy, but she lifted it regardless, and headed for the door, which Eli was blocking.
His hair was in a tatted mass; his eyes were still glazed and blotchy. His smart tux was creased, his shirt hanging out, tie undone. He looked horrible…
"Your leaving?" he exclaimed, standing before her when she tried to move around him.
She pursed her lips and avoided his eyes. "Yes! I'm leaving!" she murmured, struggling to keep a hold on the heavy case.
"You…you cant…you cant just….leave!"
She dropped the bag, it was clear he wasn't going to let her go anywhere without an explanation of some sort.
"I have to!" she explained, eventually looking up to him, her eyes connecting with his.
"Why? Why?" he demanded, "because of what I said….what I said last night?"
She gave a small nod, and he grabbed her shoulders. She tried looking away, but his own stare was so strong and firm, she finally gave up and stared right back at him. Unflinching.
"You wanted to know me!" he started, his voice deep and gruff, "…you wanted to know about my past…about her!" his eyes were stinging, Grace could see as they welled up…but he didn't stop, not for a second.
"I didn't want you to know! Because I am ashamed of what I did…I regret it every day…I think about it every day…every minute….and I hate myself!"
GRACE so you should
Grace felt a tear slide down her cheek, but she couldn't brush it away, Eli was holding onto her arms too tightly.
"…But I told you anyway!"
Grace continued to look into his eyes. His brow was creased, tears wanted to fall…but he just stared right back at her, and finally she spoke…whispered.
"…I wish you hadn't…" and with that, she shrugged him off. Broke free from his grasp…and he let her.
They stood for a moment, perfectly still, in silence.
"…. Do you hate me?" he finally asked, in a low murmur.
GRACE don't make me….
She said nothing, and Eli held his breath.
"…Do you?" he asked again.
Grace released a shaky sigh; "…I….I don't know….I honestly don't know…"
Eli ran a shaking hand through his hair. He let out a small whimper, but he didn't think Grace heard, as she reached again for her suitcase.
"All I know is…." Grace started, and Eli looked up. "…I was starting to fall in love with you again…"
ELI I love you already…
She sniffed back tears, and ran a hand through her hair as she took a step towards the door; "…God! I think I had fallen in love with you again!"
"Grace…" he whispered, in a pathetic attempt at stopping her.
"…That just makes this all the more harder…" she said, turning back to him quickly, "…. because I still have to walk away…"
"But…I love you!"
Grace took two more steps, and then flung her head back in a throaty, mocking laugh. She shook her head slowly, dropping her suitcase by her side again, she slowly turned around. Tears streamed her cheeks…black from her mascara, but she still smiled a sarcastic, sad smile.
"Stop it!" she ordered.
Eli shook his head, and stepped towards her, reaching out with a hand he brushed her right arm but she slapped him away and took a step back; the mocking smile now gone from her face.
"Stop it, Eli!" she yelled, again.
"This…." She started, flinging her arms in the air, "…is killing me!"
"What…?…What?" Eli stammered, his own voice now rising in volume, "Grace! I love you!" he yelled, staring right at her…daring her to turn away.
She didn't, she just stared at him and shook her head. "Don't!" was all she whispered.
"I have to!" he yelled, eyes welling with hot tears. "….You don't know what happened to me! You don't know! You think you can turn and run away from me….because you think you know? You think you understand the pain I had to suffer…the pain that comes from hating yourself?"
"Stop it, Eli….just stop…" she tried, but he walked towards her, still yelling, still trying to explain.
"…I am sorry!" he yelled so loudly, Grace was sure everyone in the motel heard him, but she didn't care, not really…she just wanted him to say what he needed, so that she could leave.
He turned around, and then quickly turned back to her, flinging his arms in the air; "God! I am so sorry!" he yelled, voice shaking.
"But you don't know!….You don't know what I was back there…." He looked out, across the balcony at the city that stared back at him. The sun was still out, giving off a dim light. It was going to be dark soon….and soon….Grace would be leaving.
ELI again. Can I let her leave me again? Let her slip away…again!
"…Back in Philadelphia I tried so hard! So hard to be something that I'm….that I'm just not…" his last words wandered into quiet, and he struggled to control the pitch of his quivering voice.
"…And I tried to love her!…Isabelle…I tried so hard to be what she needed me to be! But….but I just couldn't…and I couldn't love her the way she needed me to!….because I hated myself, Grace…I hated the man I was becoming in Philadelphia! I was living a life I never wanted….and every single day I lived through…I kept thinking about the life I left behind back here….back here with you..!"
She slowly brought a hand to her mouth, catching a small gasp in her palm, she remained perfectly still as he crept forward, and reached out, taking back the hand she had just raised…he stared so pointedly into her eyes…
"…I came back here with no intention of letting you get close to me…because I was so afraid that I would let myself take back what I missed….I was so terrified that I would fall back in love with you…and that..." with his other, shaking, unsure hand; Eli reached up and brushed Grace's cheek ever so lightly. She flinched, and he pulled back.
"…I was so terrified that you would see the man I had become over those 5 years….I was afraid you would see the man I am now…and hate him…just as much as I do….because, Grace….I do…I hate myself so much…for being so weak as to leave you when I did…for letting Isabelle down….for being relieved that she lost my child….but most of all…" he gulped back tears, and exhaled a small breath, "…I hate myself for not being the man you loved 5 years ago…"
GRACE (exhales)
Grace's eyes were flooded now. She looked into Eli's perfect face. His green eyes with the speck of brown in them. His pink, sweet lips quivered as they awaited her voice….but she could say nothing…even with all he'd said….she still wanted to leave. Because he wasn't the Eli she'd loved 5 years ago.
He had changed, she saw that now. When she'd met him again, 2 weeks ago, she thought she could still see in him, somebody that resembled her past…but she had been wrong, so wrong.
Even with his confessions…the unflinching truth that had poured out of him….she just couldn't bring herself to stay.
She slipped her hand out of his, without breaking their gaze; she reached up and kissed his forehead.
The whole time she was moving in slow motion. Eli could feel that his words had done nothing. And as she made these small gestures of goodbye….it was as though she was moving in slow motion….to allow Eli to savour his last moments with her….because he knew, he wouldn't see her again.
"…Please…" he murmured in a pitiful whisper.
She gave a small shake of her head as she looked into his face for the last time. "…No…" she replied.
He tried grabbing her hand again, but she moved it away from him.
"…I just can't,…" she whispered slowly, "…but I'm not going to say goodbye…. it's too hard saying goodbye to you, Eli…I cant do it again…." She gave a sad smile, and a small nod. Eli just looked into her face, helplessly.
She blinked, bent down and picked her suitcase up, and started walking away, but before she got to the end of the hall, she turned on her heel and looked on at the only man that had ever known her heart. …then….she was gone.
Eli let out a few small breaths. Trying to calm his pounding head and aching heart. And then…his feet started moving…he ran down to the end of the hall…and leaned across the balcony, she was there, in the driveway, a cab pulling up to where she stood.
"Grace!" he yelled.
She hesitated, and then looked up.
"Just tell me one thing…." He started, "…how many?"
She didn't know what he meant…and then, it clicked, and she gave a sad half smile. He had told her of his past…now it was her turn.
"…Just you, Eli!….there came times….but nobody ever compared to you!" she yelled back.
He gave a small nod, not believing her for a second.
He watched as she slid into the backseat of the taxi. The driver walking around to his door, and getting in…the cab slowly started to pull away…and Grace wound her window down, sticking her head out and looking up at him…
"…I'm not a liar, Eli! ….You were the only man I have ever slept with….nobody ever compared…" she yelled finally…but he couldn't smile…not as he watched her cab pull away….out of sight.
ELI There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.
Watching the days burning out like a cigarette,
just a few drags to go.
You built me up and you broke me down,
somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to
know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How
can you say, that its too late
To save us now
And I would
wait for you, if you would wait for me
And I will Wait for you, if
you will wait for me
Intoxicated, the edge is serrated, so
easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you
blushed the last time my eyes hit your mind
Regenerated these
feelings of hatred, I long for your love ever more
You built me up
and you broke me down this time
And I would wait for you, if
you would wait for me
And I will Wait for you, if you will wait
for me
How can you say that its too late, to save us now
How
can you say
AUTHORS NOTE:
Song was Yellowcard; 'cigarette'. Love that band.
I only realized after I posted chapter 108, that Eli had spilled a lot of secrets while drunk…. I totally forgot…it's a bit tacky writing having both Eli and Grace drunk all the time. Sorry, my mistake….but I cant be bothered re-writing.
I hope you liked this chapter (don't worry, its not the last)…although….it may be the last one that includes Eli and Grace together!
…also… I know it's a bit far-fetched to say that Grace had only slept with one guy in 5 years. But, just for the hell of it, lets say that the girl has stamina!
