Disclaimer: hi, I'm Dagger-kitty, this is Shenron-puppy, and we don't own a damn thing.

Summary: John tells a whole new version of the tale.

Author's notes: First off, this isn't based off the movie. However, I do occasionally steal lines from the movie. Second, we kind of torture John, Balthazar, Angela, and Papa Midnight so dun eat us. Third, we do kind of take liberties with John's character. Now, ON WITH THE FIC! (Hack hack cough cough)

Hey, I'm John Constantine. I save the world from impending doom. Yeah, I know, it sounds lame, and it can be a pain in certain parts of my anatomy other than my ass, but anyways, this is my story. The movie you've seen, the comics you've read, forget them. They tend to stretch the truth a bit, if they ever tell the truth at all. This is the real story…

Chapter 1

John Constantine awoke suddenly to the ringing of his phone. He dragged himself out of bed and looked skeptically at the clock. 6:00 p.m. He sighed then picked up the phone.

"Yeah?" he asked groggily.

"Is this John Constantine?" The voice on the other side of the phone asked. John sighed heavily.

"Yeah. What do you need?"

"I am Akoko, a priestess at Mercy Church. A small boy in our congregation has been possessed by a demon and neither I nor any of the others possesses the skill to exorcise it."

"What's the address?" John asked warily.

"1910 Cherry."

"I'll be there." He hung up then looked to the ceiling. "What the hell does it take?" He questioned to his wall. The white plaster gave no answer.

-Somewhere else in the ever going city-

Pandora "Dagger" Jones sighed as her phone rang. She looked up at the drywall ceiling pissily.

"Can't a girl drink in peace?" She demanded. When her ceiling didn't answer (a/n man our characters like to talk to inanimate objects) she sighed, reached over, and hit the talk button. "Yeah?"

"Hey Dagger!" A chipper, very familiar voice said through the phone.

"What the hell do you need this time Ace?"

"The usual. Demon exorcism"

"Fine but you owe me."

"How much?"

"A bottle of tequila."

"Done! Just get down here." She said about to hang up the phone.

"Yo, Ace, I need the address first."
"Oh yeah…1910 Cherry."

"Dammit. Ace, you're a priestess. What does God have against me?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing. Just bad memories."

"Oh." The word was simple, but heavy in its meaning.

"I'll be there in five" Dagger hung up without saying good-bye.

-Sometime in the not so distant past-

Dagger sobbed quietly in the small confessional. She stopped suddenly, and looked out the window. She felt an overwhelming urge to break the simple pane of glass. She struck out suddenly, breaking the window. The glass fell to the floor. Dagger reached over, grabbing a broken piece of glass, studying it in the light. Then, in one swift motion, she slit her wrists.

Time slowed, and suddenly she saw hell. After what seemed like an eternity, she came back to Earth. A man stood swearing at her as he carried her from the small confessional.

"Dammit! Are you a total moron? Or are you just bent on going to hell?" The man demanded. He carried her out to the reception area then set her down and applied pressure to her already bandaged wounds. She passed out not much later.

-End of the flash of the back-

Dagger shook herself out of the memory. She could never remember the face of the man who had saved her, but she could remember his voice as if he had just spoken to her the day before. She sighed as she turned to leave the apartment. Dagger looked down at her arms to see the fresh scars. She shook herself one last time before she left.

John glared as he entered the church. He hated churches, always had. After all, what had they ever done for him?

'I really have to quit thinking like that.' He thought to himself. 'It certainly won't help to get me into heaven.' He was shaken out of his thinking by a petite woman about his age. She was wearing a leather duster, black cotton pants, and a plain black shirt. Her short hair had been dyed black with red tips, her skin a pale white.

"I need to see Ace.""I need to see Akoko." They announced at the same time.

The girl spun around to look at him. "Need to see Ace huh? Sorry, first come, first serve."

Akoko heard voices in the foyer and came out to greet her two guests. "Dagger, Mr. Constantine, thank you both for coming. If you'll just follow me…" She motioned to the hallway.She began walking, making sure to stay ahead of both John and Dagger. Dagger caught up with Akoko.

"Please, oh please, tell me you don't expect me to work with him." Dagger pleaded.

"Fine, I won't tell you." Akoko answered with a smirk.

"Dammit Ace! You know I don't play well with others."

"Too bad." John said, unable to resist putting in his two cents. Dagger turned to glare at him, then smirked.

"So you're the big and bad Constantine. I've heard of you of course, but I'd expected you to be a bit more, I dunno, impressive."

"You'll just have to make do. Besides, there's more to me then meets the eye." Dagger just couldn't help herself, she let out with a derisive snort.

"Where have I heard that line before?" Akoko, unable to take much more of this mindless bantering, whirled around.

"Knock it off, both of you! A small boy is inside this room, in grave danger of dying, and you two are out here fighting like an old married couple! Now behave yourselves or I will make you." Dagger took an extra step towards Akoko.

"C'mon Ace! Let me do this."

"I don't trust you!" Akoko snapped. "Last time I let you take on a demon by yourself, you showed up so drunk you accidentally helped the demon get out, then tried to kill it with your bare hands!"

"You what?" John asked, hoping to god that his ears were deceiving him. Dagger continued arguing as if John hadn't spoken.

"Is it my fault you called me at three o' fucking clock in the morning? I had to wake up somehow!"

"It's called coffee!"

"Fuck you!" Dagger promptly punched Akoko and walked past her, pushing open the doors to the small room. John stepped over Akoko gingerly; as if afraid he would hurt her worse. He pushed open the doors then crossed the dark room towards the bed. He instantly recognized the demon.

"It's a-"

"Soldier demon." Dagger said, cutting him off.

John thought over his options and decided to go with the easiest, a mirror. "I'll need a mirror about-" He stopped, pausing to watch Dagger drag in a mirror about 4x3.

"Is this big enough?" She asked in a smart aleck tone.

"Can you actually hold that?" He asked as he climbed onto the bed, more than a little worried that she'd drop the mirror on him.

"No prob." She hefted the mirror onto her shoulders, stalked across the room, and stood behind him.

"Close your eyes." He commanded moodily.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Dagger muttered, but did as she was told.

Without thinking John said, "Keep them closed, I don't want to have to save your ass again."

"WHAT?!" Daggers eyes shot open. She jumped off the bed, dropping the mirror on his back before she ran off. John grimaced as he became pinned between the demon and the frame of the mirror.

"Akoko! Help!" He yelled, cursing himself for his stupidity.

-Three Hours later-

Dagger yanked open the door to her apartment, slamming it after her roommate, Shenron, came in. A demon with a black and white swishing dog tail, and ears strolled into the kitchen, removing two bottles of tequila from the fridge. She tossed Dagger a bottle as the pair slumped onto the living room couch. Dagger took a swig then began talking.

"I met the damndest man today."

"What's his name?" the demon asked, slightly worried. She quickly began praying. 'Please not John Constantine, please not John Constantine, Please not-'

"John Constantine. He gives a whole new meaning to the word asshole!" She continued talking but the demon wasn't really paying attention. She was focusing, instead, on possible ways to get Dagger drunk before she put the name with the face and the voice.

-8 hours and seven six packs later-

Kia, Dagger's friend and landlord was listening to a drunk Dagger describe Constantine. "He's about your height." She said, pointing at the demon, who still had yet to leave. "He has brown hair and he wears a suit." She paused looking for words. "He is an arrogant fuck." She announced.

"And he's right behind you." The demon said with a light air, hoping to dear god she didn't know who he was. John glared at the drunken woman before him.

"An 'arrogant fuck' am I? Is that why you dropped a mirror on me?" He demanded, continuing to rant at a, now, unconscious Dagger. "Or is it because you realized that exactly one year ago, in the same damn church, you slit your wrists and I saved you?"

He had bent down to pick up Dagger when the demon came at him out of nowhere, sending him flying into a wall. She reached over, grabbed him by the shoulders, and slammed him against the wall again.

"You dumb fuck." She hissed. "She doesn't know you saved her, and it's a damn good thing, too! She's wanted to kill the jackass who brought her back to life for the longest time. She came home today and told me about you and I just knew it was you back there in that church. I'd remembered you of course. I was there; I could have saved her, but no! You had to hit me; you had to make me go away! You had to save her just so that you could take all the 'glory and honor'."

John's eyes opened wide with recognition and understanding. He opened his mouth to speak but Shenron kept ranting.

"I wouldn't have been hated! She would have understood me, but you! I knew she wouldn't understand, and she didn't! In her mind you had taken the one thing she'd thought she'd had control over-death." Through the last part of the rant, Shenron had been slamming him into the wall repeatedly. She'd broken two ribs and effectively bloodied up the back of his head. John finally passed out from the pain, falling in a crumpled heap on the floor. Shenron immediately knelt down, healing the wounds with magic, despite her claims that he wasn't worth the effort. She stood up and continued her verbal assault on the unconscious man. "I should drown your sorry ass!"

Kia, forgotten until then, came up behind the pair.

"Why don't we?"

She grabbed his wrist and began dragging him into the bathroom, filling the tub with water. When the antique bathtub was full, Shenron pushed John under, while Kia carried Dagger into the other room. John awoke quickly, and, upon noticing he was underwater, began struggling. He stopped to look up at his "captor", and suddenly noticed that she had a pair of pointed ears atop her head. (A/n dog-ears, for all of you out there who won't pick that up.) He tried to look at the hand that held him down. It was furred and clawed. John shook himself and continued struggling, believing it to be his only possible chance of survival. That is, until he saw Dagger crawling across the floor with a hammer. He saw her swing it upwards, heard the 'thunk' as it connected with the bathtub, but was still surprised when it broke and he discovered he could breathe again. He took a quick look around him and saw shattered pieces of porcelain and puddles of water. Kia rushed in and began sobbing hysterically.

"My bathtub!" She cried.

Dagger glared at Kia, then took a deep breath and stood up cautiously. She took a few seconds to steady herself, then motioned to John to follow her. He got up and left, deciding anything Dagger had to say would be better then watching Kia sob and Shenron glare. The two entered the bedroom next door and Dagger closed the door behind them. Neither spoke for the longest time. Finally John spoke.

"What's with the homicidal werewolf?"

"She's not a werewolf!" Dagger snapped.

"No? Then what is she?"

"She's...complicated." She said, managing to avoid answering the question. They looked at each other, the tension in the room thick enough to cut with a knife.

"Why did you drop the mirror on me?" John blurted out suddenly.

"I…" Dagger broke off, leaving the sentence unfinished. John spoke up, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"Is it because I-"

Dagger cut him off by dropping the hammer on his foot. "Who had to save who, asshole?" She questioned before stalking off, slamming the door behind her.

Well, waddya think? Good, bad, dog slobber?
Oh! About the scene with the tub, with some antique bathtubs, if you hit them in just the right place, they'll break. Shenron is a demon for those of you who are wondering. Okay, done explaining, r and r. (flame, don't flame, I dun really care.)