Disclaimer: Shenron-puppy and Dagger-kitty pull out gold coins on strings and begin hypnotizing lawyers
this isn't the fic you're looking for
Lawyers in mindless tone-this isn't the fic we're looking for.
Shenron-puppy and Dagger-kitty-everything is perfectly legal.
Lawyers-everything is perfectly legal
Dagger-kitty-I own John Constantine
Lawyers snap out of it-THE HELL YOU DO!
Dagger-kitty' s ears droop-damn, okay fine, I own nothing, happy?
lawyers-very.

Chapter 2
John winced as the hammer connected with his foot, barely noticing Dagger's absence. He waited for a moment, making sure nothing was broken, before he turned to leave. He had almost crossed the room when the door opened and Shenron entered, forcing him to move backwards.
He felt the stiff wall behind him as Shenron grabbed his shoulders, presumably to hit him some more. She pinned him to the wall, his feet dangling inches off the ground.
"If you ever even think about hurting my friend again, I will beat you until you are deader then the proverbial doornail and neither hell nor high water will stop me." She hissed in a low tone.
John brought his face close to hers.
"I wouldn't make threats you can't back up, demon, lest you give me a reason to deport your sorry ass."
Shenron released him as she backed up, an impish grin on her face.
"It's not a threat if you intend to carry it out, Constantine, it's a promise. And if I were you, I wouldn't make threats you can't back up."
With those words of "infinite wisdom" she promptly turned on her heel and left, only to be replaced by Kia.
"You broke my bathtub!" She screamed at him.
John sighed heavily, rubbing his temples in an attempt to ward off the inevitable migraine.
"Technically it was your little friend Dagger."
"She broke my bathtub to save your pathetic life. So therefore I think it only fair that you pay to repair it."
"How much?" He asked, referring to the cost of the repairs.
"16,000." She quoted, like it was a small number.
"Lady, I've had a mirror dropped on my back, been slammed into five walls, broken two ribs, received three concussions, almost been drowned, and had a hammer dropped on my foot. Fuck you!" John said, making the appropriate hand signal to go with what he'd just said.
Kia grabbed John's shoulders and slammed him against another wall.
"Six walls." He gasped as he felt the wind rush out of his lungs.
"That bathtub is an irreplaceable antiquity!" She screeched.
"What' s so special about it?" He gasped again, still incapable of breathing, and unable to believe he was having this conversation, let alone that he had to pay for the damn tub.
"It was a gift from Nicholas II."
"Great," He muttered, "Just great. Please tell me it was a gift to your grandmother." "Honey, my grandmother was born when Feodor I was a kid"
John came up with some very inventive curses after that bit.
"Look," He half said, half sighed, "I'll pay for the tub if I get-"
Kia dropped him abruptly and pushed the item he'd wanted into his hands before he'd even gotten the words out.
"A key." He finished in amazement.
"Now, on the issue of my money..."
John looked at her irritably.
"I don't have it."
"Get it."
"How?"
Kia paused for a moment, looking for a possible solution. She came up with an answer quickly.
"Are you a gambling man, Mr. Constantine?"
"Only with my life, never with my money." He replied.
Kia shook her head.
"Damn shame."
"Why?" John asked, slightly confused.
"Dagger's discovered that if she wears the right combo of jewelry, she can cheat at damn near anything and get away with it. That's my advice, really. Take Dagger gambling." "How?" John asked again, feeling a little redundant. "She hates me, and she doesn't even know why."
"I know, you know, Shenron knows, and deep, deep down, Dagger knows, too. She just doesn't want to remember. Now go home, John. Get some sleep."
She slapped him on the back, never noticing the grimace that crossed his face when she did so.
John pocketed the key and limped his way out of the room and past the unconscious bodies of Shenron and Dagger.
As he walked by, he couldn't help himself.
"Goodnight demon. Goodnight..." He trailed off, looking for an insult that he could pass off as a term of endearment. He smiled suddenly.
"Goodnight my little hell cat"
As turned to leave he heard, "Goodnight Jackass." He smiled as he left, locking the door behind him, and heading to his apartment to, hopefully, get some sleep.

Noon the next day
John was still sleeping peacefully in his cozy bed when he got the odd sensation that he was slipping off the frame. He opened his eyes just before his back came in contact with the hardwood floor.
'Thunk.'
"Ow!" John yelped, fully awake and ready to kill someone.
He looked upward and caught sight of Shenron as she dragged him across the floor.
"Shenron?"
"The one and only." She replied off handedly as she pulled him to his feet.
He looked around and noticed he was in the bathroom. In one swift motion, Shenron removed his clothes.
"Now into the shower with ye, ye filthy thing!" She shouted as she threw him into the tub. He cried out as he landed on the porcelain. He righted himself then turned on the water. Just as he was beginning to enjoy the feel of the warm water beating on his back, Shenron poked her head in.
"Do you ever wear anything other than suits?"
"Not usually." John confessed.
Shenron made a sound of disgust before closing the door.
John shook his head, sighed, then looked up at the ceiling and whispered, "Get rid of Dagger, Shenron, and Kia and I swear I'll-"
Shenron interrupted his prayer by sticking her head in the steamy bathroom.
"Are you talking to yourself? Cause that really doesn't say much for your mental health." She informed him while she inspected the clawed foot bathtub. John considered telling her where to go, but thought better of it and settled for moving the curtain aside and flipping her off.
Shenron grinned lecherously and responded, "When, where, and how hard?"
John shuddered as he moved the curtain back into place. He bathed for a couple more minutes, then turned off the shower and slipped out, coming face to face with Shenron. She thrust a towel at him and marched out of the room, John trailing along behind her. His jaw dropped at the state of his room. Suits lay everywhere, tossed in random directions.
Shenron disgustedly held out the one remaining suit and said, "We have to take you shopping."
"Oh my God, you are the fashion police!" John choked out, laughing.
Shenron made an attempt to scowl but smiled instead.
"C'mon, get dressed already! I don' t want your girlfriend, Dagger, (a/n a bit of sarcasm from Shenron for those of you who couldn't tell. Dagger's not really dating John.) thinking I molested you or something"
"What?"
Shenron laughed at the look on his face. Soon she'd fallen to the floor, tears of mirth pouring from her eyes. John was on the verge of beating the laughter out of Shenron when he heard his front door open. He stepped over a, now silent, Shenron, and crossed the apartment to the front door, slamming face first into Kia. John growled, frustrated with the two demons in his apartment.
"Ever heard of knocking?" He snapped angrily. Shenron picked herself up from the floor, prepared to keep John from deporting her friend if need be. Kia's eyes sparkled as she assessed him quietly.
"I'm sorry, but it's not my fault that you can't even get Shenron to fuck you." She said, completely off topic. The comment had the desired effect though. John grabbed a small vial of holy water off the counter and was preparing to throw it at her when Shenron grabbed his wrist, dragging him back into the bedroom.
"You are going to get dressed. After that we are going shopping for suitable clothes. And finally, ARE YOU TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BLIND? SHE WANTED YOU TO DO THAT SO SHE COULD KILL YOU! YOU-YOU-YOU IDGIT!" She shouted the last part.
'Idgit?' John thought. He would have laughed if he wasn't so certain Shenron would kill him. The afore mentioned demon marched from the room, slamming the door shut behind her.
John glared at the closed door and was preparing to dress when he heard Shenron ask about Dagger.
"Yo, Kia, where' s Dagger? I thought she was supposed to come with you."
"Naw, she said something about needing to sleep. She also said if we need her we can find her at Papa Midnights around 6."
About this time, John tuned out the conversation, focusing on getting dressed. He emerged fifteen minutes later, fully clothed, but still pissed. Shenron shook her head in disgust at the sight of the suit.
"You. Car. Now." She commanded, pointing stiff-armed towards the front door. John glared, but crossed the room and exited the small apartment. Shenron untangled herself and moved to follow the pissy psychic. She turned to Kia, giving her a serious look.
"No theft, larsony, arson, or destruction of property, unless you' re positive you can get away with it."
Kia nodded, assuring Shenron she wouldn't do anything "Unlawful, illegal, or otherwise, immoral." Shenron gave a small chuckle as she left,certain something would be missing when she returned. As soon as Kia was sure everyone was gone, she went to a nearby cupboard and removed a small black duffle bag. She carried it to the bathroom and, upon entering, kneeled down and removed the item inside. Minutes later, the sound of a chainsaw filled the small residence.

So, good, bad, horse shit? R and R please.