Targ Souffle

"Guess what I found yesterday!" Jadzia Dax exclaimed to her friend. Kira Nerys, seated on the couch in Jadzia's quarters, implored,

"What?" Jadzia approached Kira from the bedroom with an old thing in her hands.

"An old Klingon cookbook. Curzon gave it to me. I forgot I had it."

"That's a cookbook?" Kira asked, pointing to the thing Dax was holding. Dax sat down next to Kira and blew dust off it.

"It's an old-fashioned book," Jadzia explained. "It has real pages bound together with string."

"Primitive," Kira commented. "The only writings I've seen that weren't on a padd were on scrolls."

"So, anyway," Dax continued, "I have this great idea. Worf's birthday is coming up and I thought we could cook him something."

"But you don't have a stove or anything," Kira pointed out.

"That's why I asked Benjamin if I could borrow his while he was on vacation." Kira mulled through the pages of the book, pictures of disgusting dishes and instructions in a strange language filling the pages.

"But I don't know how to read Klingon," Kira reminded her.

"But I do. How do you think Curzon understood it?" Dax smiled. "Sounds fun, right?"

"I guess so," Kira answered slowly. "But I'm not much of a cook. In fact, I can't remember ever cooking anything in my life."

"That's okay, you'll learn. Besides, my other hosts have cooked one time or another."

"Right." Sometimes Kira forgot about the Dax part of Jadzia.

"Come on, let's go to Benjamin's."

They walked into Captain Benjamin Sisko's deserted quarters.

"Are you sure this is alright?" Kira asked as they entered the kitchen-area.

"Positive," Dax assured her. "Okay...what should we make?" She set the book down on the counter and began thumbing through the time-worn pages. She stopped on a page that had a picture of worms covered in noodle-like strands of something. "How about Gagh nach?" Kira's nose acquired a few more wrinkles.

"No thanks. I don't enjoy worms."

"It would have to be served live anyway," Dax informed her with a disappointed tone. "Never mind." She flipped through the entire gagh section. "This looks interesting," she commented.

"What?" Kira inquired, looking at the indecipherable words that lacked pictures.

"Targ souffle. Doesn't look too hard. No gagh, I promise."

"Okay," Kira agreed, moving toward the replicator. "What do we need?"

"Alright, I think we have everything," Dax confirmed, checking all the ingredients and supplies they had replicated and spread out on the counter top. "The first step is to mix all the dry ingredients except the targ meat in a large bowl."

"Easy enough," Kira commented as they began dumping the measured dry ingredients into the large blue bowl. Dax grabbed a large spoon and began stirring it all together, the concoction ending in a tan color. She examined the result and Kira questioned,

"Is that right?" Dax reread a part of the instructions.

"I guess so," she answered with a shrug. She turned back to the book and translated out loud for them both, "Preheat the oven to 400 degrees." Kira glanced at Sisko's stove.

"I'm no engineer," she pointed out. "How do you work this thing?" Jadzia looked at it for a minute and pressed some buttons.

"There, that should do it."

"What's next?"

"We have to grind up the targ meat," the Trill answered.

"How do we do that?"

"I'm not sure." Jadzia thought for a minute.

"We could just put it back into the replicator and ask for ground targ meat," Kira suggested. Dax hit her forehead with her open palm.

"Why didn't I think of that?" She walked the targ meat back to the replicator and did as Kira suggested.

"Next we have to add the ground targ meat and the liquid ingredients at the same time while stirring it," Dax read from the old book.

"All of it at one time?" Kira asked, unsure what she meant exactly. Jadzia reread it, her signature guessing face on.

"I guess so," she concluded.

"Okay, you stir and I'll throw it all in," Kira directed. She began picking up the containers of measured ingredients. "This is one of those times when I wish I had more hands," she commented. She finally balanced all the containers in her two arms.

"Ready?" Dax asked her.

"Yep. Start stirring." As soon as Dax started, Kira dumped all the ingredients (plus one rogue container) into the mix. Some of it splashed onto their faces, leaving runny tan streaks on their cheeks. Kira quickly fished out the one container after she had set the others on the now messy counter. The mix in the bowl began mysteriously bubbling.

"Is it supposed to do that?" Kira asked, a tint of concern in her tone. Dax handed Kira the spoon to keep mixing as she consulted the cookbook.

"It doesn't say anything about it bubbling but I guess it's okay."

"It doesn't look natural to me," Kira commented.

"Klingon food never does," Jadzia pointed out.

"That's true." Kira suddenly realized that the mixture was becoming harder to stir. It had stopped bubbling and its texture was that of wet cement. "Are you sure we're still supposed to be stirring it?"

"We're supposed to stir it for five minutes. It's only been about four." Kira nodded, straining against the mixture. After a moment of struggle, she let go, announcing,

"Okay, we're done with that."

"Now we have to bake it. Take the spoon out," Dax instructed. Kira pulled on the spoon but it was stuck upright in the mix.

"It's not coming out."

"Let me try," Dax suggested. She pulled to no avail. "I guess it's staying that way."

"But can we bake it in that bowl?" Kira asked.

"I'm not sure what it's made of. Just to be safe, we should put it in an oven-safe one." Kira replicated an oven-resistant bowl as Dax picked up the mix.

"Whoa, this is heavy!" Jadzia added as she staggered momentarily from the weight. "It's like a bucket of titanium alloy."

"Sure looks like it," Kira agreed, returning from the replicator. "Especially with the spoon sticking out of it." Jadzia giggled as she tipped the bowl of souffle over to put it into the newly replicated one. The souffle wouldn't budge.

"Looks like we're going to have to bake it in here," Jadzia conceded with a sigh. She opened the oven and put it in. "Okay, twelve minutes."

"I hope we can get the spoon out when it's done cooking," Kira said. It was then that they looked at each other. The Klingon souffle pasted on their faces and the image of the spoon stuck upright in the bowl sent them simultaneously into a fit of hysterical laughing. Kira tried to wipe the tan cement-like mixture off Jadzia's face but she only made it more messy for her hands were also covered in the paste. They laughed even harder.

Suddenly, a large POP filled the room. Kira opened the oven door to look at their creation and Dax read the last, neglected, part of the instructions.

"Warning: Refrain from creating loud noises while baking the souffle for it will cause the air bubble to burst, ruining the dish." They both peered into the oven.

"We killed it." They looked at each other and the giggling started all over again. The giggle fest continued, even as they put all the dirty dishes into the replicator and wiped up the messy counter.

When the time was up, Dax took the targ souffle out of the oven. She placed it on the counter and they examined it. It looked basically the same except it was puffy on top. It resembled a deflated balloon. Dax tried to pry the spoon free but her attempts were for naught.

"It's like a rock," Dax said. "Maybe Klingons like breaking their teeth on their food."

"I wouldn't doubt it." Jadzia sighed.

"I don't think there's any hope of getting this out of the bowl. They're nearly melted together," Dax concluded. "Even though it was a total failure, it was fun. Right?"

"Right," Kira replied.

"So, what should we do with it?" Dax asked with a mischievous smile.

On his birthday, Worf opened his door to find a strange object outside his quarters. It smelled suspiciously of targ. A spoon was stuck in it and on its handle was a note. It read,

"Happy Birthday! Enjoy your targ souffle." The note wasn't signed. Worf sighed and took the thing inside. Stranger things had happened.