(A/N: No one reads this story, do they? xD Oh well. I'll keep on writing it anyway. Well, just for fun, I'll try threatening people to review at the end. Mhm. So yoohd better, bitches.)

The Legend of Cojiro:

The Alliance

"First," said Chickenling, "We need to round up our team of poultry sages, and-"

I cut in. "Wait. Can't we just, like, wait for Cojiro to lay an egg?"

The three stared at me like I was crazy.

"Um, Zelda..." Chickenling began. "Do you even know what this mission is about? And roosters don't lay eggs."

"...Cojiro's a ROOSTER? ...Wait, what? I thought we were getting eggs!" she was really confusing the crap out of me now.

"We ARE getting eggs," said Chickenling. "But not eggs for YOU. We're trying to find the Three Eggs of Pure Hope."

"...What...the...hell...?"

"Well, we can get you normal eggs too, that's not a problem. We'll just go to Lon Lon Ranch and ask for some. In fact, the first poultry sage lives there."

I collapsed anime-style.

"YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE TIME ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GO TO SOME RANCH?" I screamed at her. Then I paused. "...Wait, there's a ranch here? I was never told about it."

"Yeah, Zelda, its like, right down the road from the castle town." said Turkelina.

Just then, I remembered that life DID exist outside the castle town. In fact, I had wandered all around it, pretending to be this hot Sheikah guy for YEARS! It was just so long ago...

Link interrupted my memories. "Is Malon the poultry sage?"

We all stared at him.

"Yes, yes she is." replied Chickenling. "How do you know her?"

He blushed. "Um, lets just say..."

Before he could finish his sentence, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards me.

"WHO'S MALON? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING FROM ME?" I started to foam at the mouth.

Link somehow remained perfectly calm. He put his hand on his heart and looked at the sky (well, they were inside, so the ceiling, more like.). "At one time, my heart had felt for her, but this was oh so long ago. Since then, my heart has grown much more fond of a much more wonderful woman."

A huge grin broke out on Turkelina's face, and she ran over and hugged Link around the neck, nearly choking him. "You're so good to me, Link!"

He coughed and sputtered. "I was talking...about...Zelda..." he managed.

"Oh." she hung her head and lowered her arms. "Well, I almost got him." she walked back and hid behind Ducklet.

I rolled my eyes. "That's some lame crap. I'd better keep my eyes on you while we're there."

"Oh, crap." he knew what was coming.

Later that afternoon, the five of us entered Lon Lon Ranch. Chickenling entered first, as always, followed by Ducklet and Turkelina. After that came Impa, and then me. Followed by Link, who was wearing a spiky dog collar, attached to a leash, led by me.

He sighed. "I don't know why you have to resort to this, Zelda. You know my heart belongs to you. There's no other woman I have any interest in whatso-HEY, BABE!" he started foaming at the mouth as soon as he saw Malon, and started running toward her. But I gave a huge tug on the leash, pulling him back and knocking him over.

"Oh my," Malon said, looking down at him. I remembered her, then. She used to go to school at the castle. But...she looked nothing like she usually did.

Her long red hair, which was normally left down, was put up, spiking up at the top. Along with that, she had these bright pink highlights. She was also wearing a vinyl corset, a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high-heeled boots.

"Um, Malon..." I wasn't quite sure what to say. "Why...are you dressed...like a prostitute?"

"Why is Link dressed like a sex slave?" she replied simply.

I hated it so much when people answered a question with a question. I decided to ignore her. "Link, why haven't you gotten up yet?" I answered my own question when I looked down at him. He was looking up Malon's skirt.

"LINK, YOU WHORE!" I pulled a whip out of my back pocket. "YOU MAKE ME SICK!" I whipped him.

He sighed and got up. "This story's starting to sound too much like a porno. Who's writing this crap, anyway?"

"That would be me." replied a heavenly voice from the skies above.

We all looked up.

"It's the voice of God!" cried Impa.

"Indeed." said the voice. "I am the god of this story. I am the creator of all of you. ...Well, other than the ones created by Shigeru Myamato. Which is pretty much everyone besides the poultry goddesses. But I created the plot, and all that other crap...and yeah. ...Know what? I'll shut up now. And I'll make the story less kinky, if you REALLY want."

"NO!" cried everyone, then realizing they said it out loud, said, "Whatever, man."

All of a sudden, Link was wearing a tie-dye shirt and biker shorts, I was wearing bellbottoms and a "Save the Trees" shirt, Impa was wearing multi-colored armor and had red hair, and Chickenling and Ducklet were dressed like Turkelina. Oh, and Malon was wearing a tie-dye shirt and bellbottoms.

"Hey, man." said Chickenling. "We need people to come with us to protest, like, y'know...killing chickens? You wanna?"

"Yeah, dude. 'Course I wanna come. Know why?" Malon replied.

"Why?"

"Cause I love you, man. And all the rest of you. And I love chickens, and all animals, man. Animals make the world go round, you know?"

"True dat." replied everyone.

Impa raised an eyebrow. "Wait a second. Hippies don't say 'true dat'!"

The heavenly voice sighed. "I was ABOUT to change the theme."

This time, Link donned a baseball cap, turned backwards, a baggy baseball jersey and baggy shorts. Malon and I wore white tank tops that revealed half of our stomachs, beanies, sunglasses, and low-rise jeans. Impa was dressed similarly without the hat and sunglasses, and Chickenling, Ducklet, and Turkelina were dressed like Jennifer Lopez.

"Hey! Chik-dawg! Y'all forget to mention my eggs! 'Sup wit that?" I complained.

"Y'all don't need damn eggs cause yer already weighin' over sixty damn pounds!"

"I know how to throw up eggs, ho! Dont be tellin' me I ain't smart enough to do that!"

"SHUT UP AND GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, HOS!" Link yelled at us, pulling out a gun.

"I'M IN THE HOUSE!" Talon yelled, walking over to us. He was wearing a large jersey and baggy pants.

"Shizzle mah nizzle!" Link pointed the gun at him.

Then, suddenly, everyone was wearing their normal clothes.

"Malon," said Chickenling. "We need you to assist us in finding the Three Eggs of Pure Hope. Because you are one of the six poultry sages. Also, Zelda wants some eggs from your hens."

"Oh, okay." she said casually. She left for a minute, and came back with a carton of eggs, and handed it to me. "What do I need to do?"

"Just follow us around for now."

"Alright."

Impa took the carton of eggs from my hands. "Do you need me for anything else? I really need to be getting back to the castle."

"No. We never needed you in the first place. We just let you tag along. Go have fun with Ganny, now." replied Ducklet.

Impa ran off into the sunset. And stuff.

"Oh, by the way..." Malon began. "Mind if Dennis comes along?"

Link froze. "Dennis?"

"Yeah. A while ago he took a trip down from Death Mountain, and visited Lon Lon Ranch. But he never left us!"

A goron rolled over to them. "Hi, guys!"

Malon smiled. "He's like a little brother to me!"

Link sighed in relief.

"Oh yeah," Malon added. "Mind if my fiance comes too?"

Link froze again.

The marathon man (God forbid) ran over and put his arm around Malon. "Hey, babe."

Malon smiled. "Lawrence and I got engaged just a few months ago!"

Link screamed in agony. "WHYYYYY? HOW COULD YOU, MALON?"

She raised an eyebrow. "We both agreed that we'd go our separate ways when you went back in time. I'm sorry if you didn't find anyone."

"He DID. Apparently." I was glaring death at him.

He looked at me as if just realizing I was there. "Yes, and she's the most wonderful woman in the world!" he pulled me into a kiss. "Couldn't ask for a better one than her, no."

I rolled my eyes.

"Oh yeah, Lawrence." said Malon. "This is Link, my ex-boyfriend. I told you about him, remember? He travels through time and saves people?"

"I've met him before." Lawrence smiled. "He gave me this bunny hood thing when he was a kid. And a year or two ago he raced me."

Link raised an eyebrow. "I don't remember you. But it was eight or nine years ago for me. And I don't have mementos to remember you by. So nyeh."

Malon sighed. "Link, will you be willing to come to our wedding? It's in about three months."

Link looked at her for a minute. "Hey...why don't we make it a...double wedding?"

"...Wha?"

"Well, the next best thing to getting married to you is getting married with you. I always thought it would be cool to have a double wedding. Zelda, you said you knew we'd get married someday. What do you say?"

He was so unbelievable. And yet somehow I wanted to say yes.

"You're proposing to me with no romantic features whatsoever, without even a ring, so you can have your wedding with your ex-girlfriend who you still have feelings for?"

He paused. "...Yeah, that's about right."

"Sure, I will!" I smiled and kissed him.

-

Yey I finished it! xD I went a little far with that chapter. Anyways. I don't think anyone really reads this. So if yooh want me to continue, review it. xP. I don't get enough reviews. I'm unloved. Dx.