A/N- Sorry the update took so long in coming about! It's a pretty lengthy one (7 pages!), though, so I hope you don't kill me. Squee! I get to see Sean Astin this Thursday! SQUEE!
Blatant advertising: Go see my new website; it's version two, new and improved and almost entirely up and running. (okay, well, maybe not almost, but it's got a good thing going, anyway.) The link's in my profile, because they won't let me put it here. Grrrr.
BTW- I had promised myself that I would finish the snowball fight this chapter because it feels like it's dragging. You know what? I lied. But it's almost over, I promise!Reviewers: I believe this is the second time I've answered to a few of you. I'm sure you won't complain.
Tin: Hey, thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you like it! But I fear I won't be able to allow any cameos. One of my favorite authors did that and froze her for a month and threatened to close her down completely if she did it again. (The story was taken down, too. Sniffy!) Sorry, though!
Glorfindelrox: ADORABLE Merry Brandybuck song! Very cute. And will Legolas ever grow up? No. Not if I can help it.
x-leiO: Thanks! Um… I'm glad you exist.
Enelya Took: Define "soon."
Window Girl: What do you MEAN you're glad I don't own LOTR?! I find that very insulting! I'd make it better! BETTER I say! … Actually, you're probably right. ;)
Nienna-yavetil: You mean it's not real long yet? This is 40 pages, and it's still mid-morning! :) I'm glad you like it, though.
ChaarChee: Just so you know, as for what was in Gandalf's box… I'm not telling. : I think you'd like it less than not knowing. It's just one of those things… Like Pat's gender on Saturday Night Live.
Ithilin Palandiriel: How 'bout Christmas in December again? I know, I know, I'm such a bad person!
Long under tree: Thank you! Parodies like those bug me too, so I try to avoid doing it myself. I'm glad to hear that I'm succeeding! Thanks again!
Dolphingurl91: It's funny? Cool!
Baileymag: Pippin: Master of stealth… some of the time. ;) I'm glad that you think it's going to well! OOH, I feel warm and fuzzy now!
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"THE ROOF!" Frodo called, alerting all remaining players. "He's on the roof! Pippin's on top of the house!"
Uh oh. Pippin had to act fast. He got to the section of overhang over the front door just as a majority of those lurking inside burst out. With little time to act, much less think, Pippin stomped down hard on the sleet-covered roof and prayed that his timing was right. The indignant cries of Gimli, Legolas, and Merry rewarded him.
"I'm out," Gimli grumbled.
"Me too," Merry complained. They went to join Frodo as they all glared balefully at Pippin.
Aragorn and Gandalf had both been aware of Pippin's hiding spot and were able to avoid losing another life at his small but delightfully evil hands. Now that all knew of the hobbit's hiding spot, full-out battle was finally upon them. Sam's fort was forgotten as revenge against Pippin became more important.
"Stay back!" Pippin ordered forcefully as he held up a snowball. The others paced the house, all thoughts of other players forgotten; all that mattered was a way to get up to the roof and to the hobbit that needed to die. "Stay back!" Pippin warned again. "I've been keeping tabs on all of you! Legolas- You've only got one more life left! And you, Aragorn, you've got two more injuries before you die! You're easy pickings where I stand! You've not a chance! Stay back! Surrender and admit that I'm superior!" Pippin was feeling quite in control by this point, nearly convincing himself that the other players were at his mercy. This feeling lasted a moment or two longer, then ended abruptly as Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf began laughing their heads off.
Possibly the worst mistake they could have possibly made. Overtaken by mirth, their lack of oxygen rendered them incapable of possessing complete control of their bodies and unable to perform what were normally everyday activities. Including handy things like dodging and standing erect. Therefore, Legolas received a new injury from the determined hobbit skulking on the roof. Aragorn's life's end became a tantalizing snowball away when he was caught unaware (while taunting Legolas) by a backstabbing shot by Gandalf the White. (No, seriously, Gandalf the WHITE. He hadn't been so covered in snow since Caradhras.)
Aragorn, enraged, brought a fistful of snow up for retribution, but Legolas stayed his hand. "Wait!" the Elf cautioned. "Wait until the opportune moment." Aragorn's eyebrow arched. "For example," Legolas continued, "After the hobbits are dead." He took Aragorn's snow ball and crushed it, annunciating his words by dropping a chunk of it to the ground. "Every… Last… One."
"Do you have ANY idea how ominous that sounded?" Sam complained from his fort.
Legolas flashed a toothy grin. "Oh yes, I did."
Frodo and Merry shivered. "I almost feel sorry for Pippin and Sam," Frodo whispered.
"Yeah," Merry agreed. "Almost."
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Pippin had felt a vague sense of unease ever since Frodo had alerted the others. Actually, that wasn't quite true. There had been a fierce stab of panic when Frodo announced Pippin's location, and the emotion had tapered down to vague unease. Unfortunately, that vague unease was in danger of being replaced by a fiercer form again as Aragorn, Gandalf, and Legolas huddled together and spoke in voices lower than Pippin could catch. The only thing Pippin was able to hear was a few sporadic cackles of insane laughter, none of which were really all that comforting.
"Are you done plotting yet?" Pip shouted. He uselessly chucked another snowball, which landed atop a decent pile of other wasted shots. No matter what kind of advantage he had over the others, there were still some things that couldn't replace a hobbit's short arms.
"Almost!" Legolas shouted back. Another cackle erupted from Aragorn. There was no doubt about it; vague unease had definitely been replaced by a very real, all-present sense of obvious unease. Pippin gnawed his now seriously chapped lower lip and added more snowballs to the pile of already prepared ammo. He would be fine as long as he could hold the roof. Right? He sighed. Definitely more ammo.
"Alright, Aragorn, you can stop freaking Pippin out now."
Aragorn grinned. "But it's so much FUN, Legolas. You should try it."
"Yes, you should," Gandalf agreed.
"We need to figure this out, first. Then we can cream the hobbit and finish this for ourselves."
"Alright then, Master Elf, what would you suggest?"
"Well, someone should keep Pippin busy as a main distraction. The rest of us can scale a trellis or something. We need to get him! Stats?"
"One life left," Aragorn grumbled. "Thanks Gandalf."
"Think nothing of it," Gandalf replied airily. "I myself have one three more injuries before I'm out."
"Care to make it two?" Aragorn asked.
Legolas unconsciously began braiding his hair. "Okay. I also have three lives. Gandalf, you and I have the most lives, so one of us should be the distraction. However, I'm the more agile of the two of us, so Aragorn and I will stage the ambush, you'll stay in front."
Gandalf didn't quite pout, but it was a close thing. "Why can't I go and leave Aragorn to be the bait?"
"Because you deserve to be the bait, especially after you stabbed me in the back!"
Gandalf frowned. "I didn't stab you in the back. I just hit you with a snowball in the back."
"Right," Aragorn growled. "Anyway, the bait is more likely to get hit. If I get hit, you're short an anti-Pippin. If you're hit, we still have the same amount of people, just more injuries."
"You're using that "united we stand, divided we fall" drivel, aren't you."
"What do you mean, 'drivel?'" Aragorn burst. "You used that all through the Third Age!"
"Well, it worked, didn't it? I wasn't lynched."
Aragorn muttered quietly a vast quantity of elvish obscenities.
"That's not appropriate," Legolas said severely, reminding Aragorn to behave for the first time in a long time. There was a period when Legolas was as old and stern as no other, but too much time around childish hobbits was a nice cure for that.
"I think it would serve best if Gandalf kept Pippin's attention, while Legolas and I split up around back and try to get on the roof from different areas," Aragorn advised.
"How is that 'united?'" Gandalf asked incredulously.
"We're all trying to get Pippin," Aragorn answered coolly. Gandalf grumbled.
"Do we have an accord?" Legolas asked in exasperation.
"Agreed," Aragorn said quickly.
"Agreed," sighed Gandalf.
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Pippin was caught by surprise as what seemed more like a snow cannon-ball missed him by mere miles.
"Really, Gandalf, is that the best you can do, old man?" Pippin taunted.
"Respect your elders!" Gandalf shouted. He swiveled a literal snow-cannon and fired it with a sloppy 'plooth'ing noise directly at the hobbit, who squeaked and dropped to his stomach. "I was just trying to get your attention the first time!"
"It worked," Pippin admitted, getting to his feet and seeking cover behind the chimney. "Did you make that thing?"
"Merry's idea," Gandalf said modestly, loading it again with a fresh snowball the size of Pippin's head. Pippin gulped.
"You know, you could do a lot of damage with that to Sam's fort," Pippin said in what he hoped was an off-handed manner, stalling for time. It didn't bode well that Aragorn and Legolas had disappeared. He blocked out Gandalf's reply and focused his decent hearing on sounds from the sides of the house.
Nothing. Oh, come on, Pippin thought, sure, you're and elf and a ranger, but you can't be silent all the time….
Crack. Ah ha… the trellis. Gandalf's snow-cannon was merely a distraction, though it was certainly a dangerous one. Pippin started sidling towards the edge of the roof, then froze. He should wait to let Gandalf know he was on to where one of the attackers was. He racked his brains; he shouldn't delay long; it would be best to get the invaders before they got on the roof. Suddenly it came to him… When he was a young hobbit-lad, he used to swindle his mother and sisters with a handy little trick Merry had taught him. As long as he stayed out of sight of Merry, this should work beautifully.
"No, really," Pippin's voice said from behind the chimney, "Sam's been holed up in there for ages; he's as well off as me." The hobbit himself was well away from the chimney and very near to the trellis.
"I'm not taking my eyes off you," Gandalf snarled. "I'm going to stay right here and shoot you down the moment you set foot out from behind there."
Pippin was almost to the trellis now. He again threw his voice to the chimney. "Well then I'm not likely to, am I?"
Gandalf's reply was too quiet for Pip to hear. Uh oh. This could get interesting.
"I really think you should attack Sam," said the chimney.
"Mumble humph mumble mumble," retorted Gandalf.
"Once I'm out of the way, there's nothing to stop Aragorn and Legolas from using you to get rid of Sam, and then getting you afterwards," the chimney persuaded. "You'd better do it now, just to get it out of the way, since I'm not moving from my secure spot."
There was some muffled laughter and more unintelligible speech. Pippin peeked over the rim of the gutter to see Aragorn falling off the demolished trellis in disgust. Its lovely white wood couldn't quite stand up to the man's weight. Pippin snickered and sneaked away.
"How'd you make that cannon, anyway?" The chimney asked in interest.
There was a touch of poorly-disguised pride in Gandalf's long and still incomprehensible answer. Even without hearing, Pippin could have summed it up into one word: magic.
"Aren't cannon-explosions hot?" Pippin's voice asked from the bricks again. "How does it work, if it's made of cold snow?"
There was another indecipherable speech. Once again, in one word, the answer was magic.
Pippin was slowly making his way across the roof, heading towards the large tree that he had used to get up. If Legolas was attempting to get onto the roof, that was the way he'd be doing it. He started gathering snowballs, just in case.
"So, Gandalf," Pippin said conversationally, "While I wait here, behind the chimney, because I couldn't possibly be anywhere else, I have to ask you, how did you get stuck with being the bait?"
He was at the section of the roof where a tree branch overlapped the gutter; Pippin held back nervously. What if Legolas was right where Pippin couldn't see him?
Gandalf's reply took a suspicious edge, and instantly Pippin realized his mistake. Pippin wasn't supposed to know that the old wizard was a distraction.
Cautiously, Pippin looked down over the edge. Legolas was crouching on the lowest branch, talking to Aragorn.
"Well, it's only natural, isn't it? I know you guys too well."
Legolas and Aragorn both popped their heads up and looked straight at Pippin, who froze in horror. He'd forgotten to throw his voice!
"He's over here!" Aragorn hollered, running 'round the house to alert Gandalf while Legolas scampered up deeper into the tree.
Pippin threw a snowball blindly into the thick boughs of the tree. Though there weren't any concealing leaves, the slender elf could easily hide behind a thick branch, which for the moment he was.
This was bad. Here on the roof, Pippin had no cover, and Legolas could easily pick him out. If Legolas ever actually made it onto the roof, the short hobbit wouldn't have a chance. For the moment, Legolas was taking advantage of his protection and throwing snowballs from behind the trunk, quickly getting Pippin two injuries. However, ammo in the tree was extremely limited, and Legolas was running low already. Every wasted shot was cutting down his supply more and more.
A couple weak snowballs came from ground-level… Aragorn wasn't going to take this sitting down. A few cannon-balls came whistling by, too, even though for the moment the wizard was firing blind. Things had just gotten a lot more interesting. Due to Aragon and Gandalf's less-than-helpful help, Legolas couldn't safely get onto the roof, and as for Pippin, he was easily avoiding the shots.
"Cease fire!" Legolas cried from the tree. "Cease fire!"
While Legolas was occupied with getting Aragorn and Gandalf to listen, Pippin made use of his brief window of opportunity. He darted to the edge of the roof, took less than perfect aim, then groaned as it hit Aragon's shoulder. He had been hoping for a head shot…
But to Pippin's surprise, Aragorn cried aloud as if he'd actually been injured. It reminded Legolas of the time when the two of them and Gimli thought Merry and Pippin had been killed; Aragorn had kicked a helmet and let out a cry so loud and full of anguish that you'd think he had broken his toe or something.
"That's it. I'm out! I'm dead!" He glared terribly up at the hobbit, with good reason. In all the many years of this tradition, Pippin had never, ever outlasted the ranger.
Pippin stood stunned at the edge of the roof, staring. He had thought Aragorn still had an injury left, but suddenly, for the first time in history, Pippin had beaten Aragorn in the Christmas Snowball Fight. By standing stunned, however, he had given Legolas the exact opportunity he needed to get safely onto the roof, and even fire a snowball at Pippin… A snowball to the head.
Pippin found himself now down to two lives, but more importantly, he feared for his real one as he teetered dangerously at the end of the roof where he'd been standing. Legolas, alarmed, dashed forward and grabbed the hobbit's arm and pulled him away from the edge. Once Pippin regained his balance, he looked up at Legolas and shouted "Hey, no physical contact!" and fired his spare snowball straight into the elf's face.
Legolas was astonished. He had planned on letting Pippin go after he'd caught him and then getting the small perian with a snowball before he could escape too far. Something had gone horribly, horribly wrong here. And now, just like that, he was out of the game. Legolas shook his head. He usually WON these things.
Pippin pulled away from the flabbergasted elf, numb with disbelief… and a good amount of cold weather. He only had two foes left now: Gandalf and Sam. But who to take first? Sam would be difficult because of his fort… It usually took even the larger players a good deal of effort to pull it down. Gandalf, on the other hand, well, he was another matter entirely. Sure, he may be old, but somehow all the arthritis and rheumatism and aches and pains he complained of throughout the year disappeared during this fight, if not all of Christmas Day. He was surprisingly spry and unendingly crafty. Pippin considered this an understatement as he ducked a snow-cannonball. Shrewd little bugger, Gandalf was.
What to do, what to do. Pippin crouched down and crawled on his belly to the edge of the roof. The instant he stuck his eyebrows over Gandalf fired a swift missile, and Pippin was forced to pull quickly back. Getting Gandalf was going to be no stroll in the shire. And as for Sam?
Pippin crawled towards the other end of the roof. Pippin could probably fire a bunch of snowballs into Sam's fort; it was close enough… Pippin stood carefully, and when no assault came, he wound up and threw his snowball. It arced high, up, then down, scattering audibly on Sam's frying pan helmet. Pippin wrinkled his nose in irritation. He had no idea how to deal with this.
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A/N- I don't know if throwing your voice actually works like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure it doesn't. But you know what? This, my friends, is a work of fiction. Bwaha.
PS- I really wish the lines worked.
