Tony's eyes slowly opened, before he had even been able to focus on anything a headache set in. He groaned and tried to roll his body onto his side so he could see Michelle, as soon as he moved he realized just how queasy he felt all over. He smiled when he saw her flat on her back in one of his t-shirts. He looked at the ring on her finger and tingles shot all throughout his body. As hung over as he was, he felt like today was the first day of the rest of his life. Michelle had said yes and he thought he was the luckiest guy in the world. He started thinking about last night and how amazing she had been. They had made love for hours with the most intense passion and had only fallen asleep a short while ago. Tony could have continued fooling around for a lot longer but it had been nearing 7am and he could tell how tired Michelle was so he had peeled himself off her and told her to get some sleep.
Tony snapped out of it when he saw her eyes begin to open. Michelle reached out for Tony straight away. She grabbed him and pulled herself into his body so that they were both on their sides and their faces were only inches apart. They watched each other and smiled.
Michelle leaned in and kissed his lips gently. "Good morning handsome."
"Hey beautiful. How do you feel?"
Michelle ran her hands across his stomach. "So happy…like shit…but so happy."
Tony laughed and kissed her on the forehead. "Me too."
"What time is it?"
He looked at his watch and sighed. "Oh God it's 10am, we've only been asleep for like 3 hrs. Why don't you get some more sleep Chelle?"
"Nah I can't, I'm too excited to sleep anymore."
Tony wrapped his arm around her body pulling her in closer and then reached over and began kissing her neck. Michelle responded quickly by pulling his body so that he would lift himself on top of her, as he did he kept kissing her neck and also her shoulder. Finally he made his way up to her mouth. They kissed tenderly for a few minutes before Tony supported himself up by his elbows and traced her cheek with his right hand. "Do you realize how good it feels knowing I'll get to wake up next to you forever?"
"The thought of waking up next to you every morning Tony makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive."
Tony kissed her again. "So do I get to take my fiancé out for breakfast?"
Michelle smiled widely hearing him call her that. "You sure do."
Tony and Michelle slowly got up and had a shower, which made them both feel a tiny bit better. They made their way down the hallway to the kitchen to find everyone having coffee.
David looked at his watch and then them. "I've got to say I'm a little surprised to see you both up and dressed so early."
Tony put his arm around Michelle's shoulder. "Well I am going to take my fiancé out for breakfast!" He looked straight over at Michelle to see if his words made her smile again, which they did.
David chuckled a little. "That sounds great. How do you both feel?"
Michelle let out a small moan. "I've been better. Thank you for such a great night, it was amazing. The dinner…the party, thank you!"
David rubbed Tony's shoulder. "Our pleasure, it's not everyday our son gets engaged…." He looked at Michelle, "and to such a special woman."
Tony laughed and Michelle blushed a little. Karen offered them both some tablets for their headaches with some ice water. They gratefully accepted before saying goodbye to everyone and heading out the door.
Once settled at a diner just down the road, Michelle took Tony's hand across the table. "So…when do you want to get married? How long do you want to be engaged for?"
"I want you as my wife as soon as possible. I guess just as long as we think we will need to organize the wedding."
Michelle still couldn't believe this was happening, it almost felt too good to be true. She didn't realize she had just been sitting there smiling until Tony squeezed her hand. "What kind of wedding Chelle?"
Michelle all of a sudden felt overcome with emotion. "I don't know, anything with you…"
Tony could see Michelle's becoming watery, he knew she wasn't upset because she was still smiling and her eyes were glowing. He got out of his seat and slid into the booth next to Michelle so he could put his arm around her. He kissed a couple of her tears. "You getting all emotional on me sweetheart?"
He chuckled when Michelle nodded her head. "I just can't help it. It's just…you…and me…. we are going to be married! Married Tony! I never imagined I could end up with someone that makes me half as happy as you do. I didn't think I could ever end up with someone that wants to treat me so well, with someone that is such a good person…. that is my ultimate sexual fantasy."
Tony sat shocked, he hadn't expected her to say anything like that. They were both quiet as Michelle continued to try and wipe her eyes and pull herself together and Tony still hadn't stirred, he was experiencing feelings and emotions that he hadn't felt before. Finally he began rubbing her back with his hand and leaned in so hopefully she would be the only one that heard. "I can't get my head around what you said. Half of me is so touched, what an incredible thing to say…"
Michelle cut him off. "Half of you?"
"Yeah, it's how you worded things that worries me…" He looked at Michelle who was trying to give him a look like 'so, it's not a big deal' but he could see straight past that to her low self esteem.
"All I was saying was nice things to you, just being honest about how I feel."
His hand on her back moved up and began stroking her hair. "I know and I love that. It's how you cut yourself down in the process that is the problem. I mean why would you think that you couldn't ever end up with someone that treats you well?"
Michelle wasn't really quite sure how to respond to him. When she heard him say it out loud like that, she could understand how it sounded bad but it truly was how she felt. Self confidence was something she had struggled with since her mother had left and had really only gotten worse as she got older, it had all but been stripped from her in her abusive relationship with Mark. She wished Tony would just move past what she had said, or at least look at it in the way she meant to say it – all she was doing was complimenting him.
Michelle's eyes had been studying the table and she hadn't answered him. He felt bad that he had upset her, after all she had really just said one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to him. It hurt him so much though that she didn't look at herself in the way she deserved. He knew she hadn't answered him simply because she didn't know how to and that worried him more. He decided to try and lighten up the mood a little bit, back track basically to let her know how much he appreciated what she had said. He brushed the hair away from her neck and kissed her just below her ear before he spoke. "Your ultimate sexual fantasy huh? Are you basing that on last night?" He kissed her again. "Because that was amazing."
Michelle exhaled a breath of air with a small smile. She nodded her head, "not just last night, every time with you." She felt so confused as to what was going on.
"I wish you knew how much it means to me to hear you say that Chelle."
"Why? I mean surely by now you've realized how attracted to you I am." Michelle was a little surprised at how defensive she was. She could see his eyes drop and disappointment cross his face.
His voice was so gentle and shaky. "Because Chelle…. you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. Before we even got together I spent like a year lusting after you, wondering what it would be like to touch you, be with you. I mean you turn me on just by looking at me. I always think about how I want to be able to make you feel as good as you make me feel. So to hear you say I'm your sexual fantasy is one of the most incredible feelings in the world."
Michelle turned her head a little so she could see his eyes. Even though what he had said sent butterflies through her stomach she still felt confused and upset with him for saying what he had and now trying to act as though nothing happened. "So is that the half you liked of what I said? It's ok if it is about sex but you won't take the other things I said on board just because I didn't word them as well?"
Tony was shocked. "No, it's not like that. I mean yes, I did love that you made the fantasy comment…it's just it was basically the only thing you said that didn't take a snipe at you at the same time. Everything else you said implied in some way, that you didn't think you were deserving of being treated well or happy."
"It doesn't mean I meant what I said any less."
"Michelle you are missing the point. What you said to me was beautiful, all of it. I just wish you could have say worded it, 'you treat me so well' – instead you said 'I didn't think I could ever end up with someone who wants to treat me so well'. Can't you see how much you are putting yourself down?"
"I'm sorry, I was just being honest. I never thought I would find someone that treats me the way that you do though or that I could be this happy."
Tony sighed. They were interrupted by the waitress bringing over their breakfast. To make room Tony had to move back to his seat so he was now sitting directly across from her. Once the waitress was gone Tony stroked Michelle's hand. "Chelle…." He waited until she raised her head and looked at him. "Tell me Chelle…. do you think you deserve to be treated well?"
Michelle fidgeted and played with her food for a moment. "Tony…. I don't know. I want to be treated well, I like being treated well but I guess I've just never really expected it. You are so different from anyone else I have been with, no one has treated me the way that you do."
"Well they were wrong Chelle. The reason you lack self-confidence is because of the way Mark treated you, but you have to see how wrong you are to think that way…"
Michelle sat back in her chair. "Sometimes things are not always great between people, there aren't many perfect relationships out there. It's not just everyone else's fault, I have to take some of the blame as well."
"With who? What do you need to take the blame for?"
"For whatever ever it was I did wrong. For saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing…. I don't know but there must have been a million things I didn't do right - I know I gave Mark plenty of reasons to do what he did. He said he cared about me, loved me…. he wouldn't have done those things had I not done something to provoke him."
Tony felt sick. "Oh my God Chelle…"
The look on Tony's face made Michelle want to fall apart. She felt like she needed to get out of there, she couldn't handle feeling this way in such a public place.
Tony stopped and started so many times over, he was scared to death of saying the wrong thing. He knew he had already pushed her further than anyone had before on this subject and how much his reaction and words so far had hurt her. He felt like he was going to explode, the anger he felt towards Mark was uncontrollable.
Michelle's voice stopped him cursing under his breath. "You look so angry…"
"It's that son of a bitch, it's him. You didn't do anything…"
Michelle didn't let him finish. She leant in toward him and looked him straight in the eyes. "Ok Tony, you tell me then – why did he…why…"
"Hit you Michelle?"
"Yes…"
Tony's mouth was getting away from him. "Have you noticed that you can never say it? Say it Michelle, say what he did to you."
Tony was right, she had trouble saying the word out loud. "Fine…why did he…hit me then?"
"Not for anything you did wrong. It was him…"
"No, you know that's not true. Someone doesn't just do that for no reason at all. If he cared for me and I did absolutely nothing wrong, why would he do that? If it was just him then wouldn't he have done it to other people? Obviously there was something about me."
They sat staring at each other for a moment as Michelle caught her breath and Tony racked his brain trying to figure out how to answer her. He now understood so clearly why victims of abuse often think it is their fault, when you thought about it the way Michelle had just said it that was exactly how it came across. Tears began to run down her cheeks, instinctively he reached out to wipe them but she stood up. "I have to get out of here."
Tony grabbed her hand, "no Chelle, don't go."
Michelle bit her lower lip in an effort to stop herself from bursting into tears. She slid out of the booth and made her way out of the diner. She could hear Tony following her. Once they were outside he grabbed her arm. "Chelle please."
"I want to be alone."
"I don't want you to be alone. Lets go somewhere where we can talk?"
He went to put his arm around her shoulders but she pulled away from him. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Why did you even bring all this up anyway?"
"I'm not going to just ignore it Chelle. It kills me knowing how you feel. We have to deal with this – you have to learn how to talk about it, open up and not run away from it."
"We just talked and we have talked about it before a couple times now. There is no point, you just end up getting pissed off. I can't believe all this just from me telling you how much you mean to me."
Tony saw someone approaching them from the side, he turned to see it was the waitress from inside. She asked them if they intended on coming back in or not because they had not paid the bill. Tony told the lady he would come inside in a minute to pay.
Michelle had taken some steps back and turned around to hide her tear stained face from the waitress. Tony walked back over so that he was in front of her again. She got in before him. "I need to go, I'll just meet you back at the house later."
"Don't run from this Chelle, it's always going to be there if you do. I'm sorry I am angry, I can't help it – it just hurts so much, especially when I hear you blame yourself."
"Don't you get it Tony? There is nothing that can change what has already happened. I just have to get on with it – which means accepting it, which I've done. No one else even knows about what happened with Mark, I don't let it affect my life."
"Of course it affects your life, a hell of a lot more than you realize. You have just hidden it from everyone. The only thing you have done is accept blame for the entire thing, which is so completely wrong." Tony knew he was being harsh, but he just didn't know how else to say exactly what she needed to hear.
Michelle stood still for a moment letting his words sink in. Somewhere deep down she knew he was probably right but she wasn't ready to hear it yet. She felt like she was disappointing him, but she really wasn't sure exactly what it was he wanted to hear. She told him she was going for a walk and that she would see him back at the house. Tony tried repeatedly to have her stay with him but she was insistent she needed some time out. Eventually he had to let her go, there wasn't anything else he could do. He felt sick to his stomach as he watched her turn and walk away in tears. He regretted being rough on her, the last thing he had ever wanted was for her to push him away.
Tony watched her until she was out of sight before paying the bill and then heading home.
