Kore wa Koi Janai (This is Not Love)

Disclaimers: I do not and will not ever own Ranma ½ in anything other than book form. All characters are property of Rumiko Takahashi, not myself.

Warnings: Uhm. Shounen ai, and slightly twisted at that. There may be some language, and almost definitely some lewdness. Somewhat depressing theme throughout, I think... Yeah.

Notes: Oh my... it's been quite a while, hasn't it? I feel a bit bad for having left this story hanging for so long, but I hope that there will still be people out there who want to read it. On the plus side, seeing as I'm a bit older now (almost 18! Woo!), I'll be able to write more effectively and tie it all together better (I hope). So, read on and maybe tell me what you think, hit the back button and read something else, or do something completely different. It's all your choice! o.o;

Awkward Conclusions

Ranma stared at the wall of his room, limbs sprawled haphazardly about himself. He hadn't moved since he had returned home from Ryouga's, and could not bear the thought of going to school. Seeing Ryouga would be too much.

Too much, too much... had it been too much to ask? All he had needed was to share the pain with a friend, to have someone empathize and understand what it was like to lose someone so close. Was it too much to remember in peace, to bear it together? Too much to let go of his hatred for Ranma for one second? Ranma rubbed his eyes, sighing deeply. Of course it was. He had done too much to Ryouga. If anyone had done the same to him, he would most likely react similarly. It was all too much to think about.

Ranma gathered himself into a cross-legged position, settling his chin into the palm of one hand and resting his elbow on his knee. Perhaps it was a bad thing that he had simply walked out on Ryouga; they had been through a lot together. There had to have been more to it than that.

Why, then? Why had Ryouga snapped at him like that? Ranma stood fluidly and began pacing the room. It was obvious, upon further thought. Ranma had lied to Ryouga, and not about something small. He had taken advantage of Ryouga's state and his uncertainty in dealing with girls to... well, take advantage of him. But Ranma needed him, he knew he needed him - wasn't that enough? Especially without Akane...

Without Akane...

Shaking his head, Ranma clapped his hands together and stood still. He was being foolish, allowing himself to sink into despair and blame. After all, he ruefully recalled, it had been he who had stalked off and finalized Ryouga's statements. He was as much to blame as Ryouga, or even moreso. The fault lay with him, not poor Ryouga. Ranma concluded, with a wrench to his gut, that this matter could never be resolved. He had confronted suffering with deception, and had coldly severed any chance for his own apology, which would have been the only thing that could end this mentally devastating affair. He simply couldn't do it. In retrospect, he didn't understand how he had even managed to go to Ryouga in the first place. Desperation was his only explanation; but how did it get as far as it had?

Bogged down by his thoughts, Ranma sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands. What had he done?...

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Ryouga had decided not to skip school that day, feeling that even if He had decided to come as well, it was better to risk seeing Him than to stay in that room with memories of The Girl. It mattered not that they were one and the same; they remained separate in his thoughts. The only way he could maintain his sanity was to keep them as separate entities and try to ignore what had happened in the morning. Other than her glowing, adorable beauty. In his bed. There was something so wrong about that thought, but he refused to put his finger on it.

Luckily, He appeared to have decided to stay home. It seemed normal enough, really; almost a quarter of the student body had stayed home. The two had been engaged, and even those who weren't that close - well, Akane had meant a lot to many people. Ryouga shook his head irritatedly. She still meant a lot. To everyone. To him.

He couldn't help but snort a little at how pathetic he was, although he did manage to keep the derisive sound unnoticed by the rest of the class. Generally, people stop swooning over others when they have died. Perhaps it just showed how devoted he was. Even so, there was something shallow in his thoughts about Akane, something too. . . sentimental, almost.

Maybe he didn't want to be devoted any more. It was too much to try and deal with, to understand, but what he did have to get through his own thick skull was that Akane wasn't coming back. However close to zero his chances with her had seemed before, they were definitely lower now.

Shaking his head fiercely, Ryouga scolded himself. That was no way to think about someone who was deceased. He shivered at the thought of never seeing Akane, then. It was not just a baseless fear anymore. His worst nightmare had grown legs and crawled out of the dream realm.

Ryouga attempted to redirect his thoughts to something else, but only managed to get as far as the day before, when he had managed to do what he now considered one of the stupidest things he had ever done. In retrospect, he grudgingly accepted that He - Ranma could not have been messing around with him. After all, when he, as a girl, had showed up at the door, his tears had been genuine. It was a damnfool thing for Ryouga to have brushed off the sadness of another as though its only reason for existence was some petty ulterior motive. Ranma had defended Akane fiercely from anything and everything, as Ryouga would have had he had the chance. Of course Ranma had been suffering as well, and most likely thought (rightly) that Ryouga would not want to share his grief with a rival. It had been simple practicality, to appeal to Ryouga in a form he would not immediately recognize or reject.

Looking out through the window and over the school grounds, Ryouga clenched his fists and concluded decisively that he would apologize to Ranma at all costs.