4
It had now been one month since I had become Jun Jin's girlfriend. We hadn't really progressed much from there, but we had hardly been stagnant; although we were both busy with schoolwork- more so as the school year went ever on- we made time to see each other regularly. Dong Wan and Sun Kim were happily seeing each other; Dong Wan had asked her to be his girlfriend two weeks after they had met. Sun Kim and I grew ever closer, as Dong Wan rarely came to our group outings without her.
Autumn had now truly begun to show its beautiful colors in the world around us. The leaves had graduated from their summer green to yellow, then to the type of orange that makes you really think about the season, then to the deep red characteristic of the now dying leaves. It was in the midst of this season that Jun Jin began to change his behavior towards me slightly. I had, however, agreed to meet him in the park for a brief outing, and of course, went.
"Hey, Jun Jin." I walked up to my boyfriend with a smile, leaning in for a peck on the cheek. Dong Wan and Hye Sung were frustrated that we hadn't moved on to kisses on the mouth, blaming Jun Jin for covering up his cowardly interior with a seemingly romantic exterior. Andy and Eric, however, were frustrated not only that we had not moved on to "true kisses", but something more. These comments earned each of them a kick in the buttocks and a punch in the stomach, specially delivered by both Jun Jin and I.
"Hey." He simply said, and kissed me back.
"What have you been doing recently? I always see you with your laptop, and when I come by, you close it."
"It's nothing." He said shortly.
"Well, I'll tell you this- if you're looking at pictures of other women, I'll be jealous, but nothing more."
"Why?" His humorous expression twisted into a bemused one.
"Because I know that I'm the only one you'll ever really do anything with, right?"
"Of course." He said without hesitation.
"But… if you're talking to other women, I'll have to… steal your computer!" I seized it and ran.
"It's nothing! Jeong Mi!" He chased after me, obviously happy for the attention. His handsome face gleamed in the autumn sun. He chased me down the hill, tackling me with two arms and causing us to both roll over harmlessly down the slight incline.
"Hey! That's not fair!"
"What isn't?" He cocked his head at me from his position on the floor- he lay on his side, with his head twisted down to look at me, still in his strong grasp.
"You're bigger than I am. You can't use two arms like that!" I crinkled my nose. I wrestled with him, and thus gained an advantage over him. I sat on his stomach, pinning him to the ground by his arms. He then sat up, making me fall over. He became startled, his clear eyes reflecting true worry. I began to laugh, however, and he sat back, reassured.
After a while of simply sitting there and laughing, he helped me get up.
"Here. I have a surprise for you."
What is it?"
"Well, I have to take you there, silly." He explained as though it were only natural.
We went to his car, and got in. By this time, I had become more familiar with this car than my own, which I seldom drove. I either walked, or Jun Jin drove me. Gone now were the days that Min Woo drove me in his soft comfort- despite our promise, we had only grown apart. But I had little time to contemplate this change in our relationship; between Jun Jin, my studies, going out with the guys- and did I mention Jun Jin?- I had little time to think about much else.
Jun Jin drove smoothly out onto the road, turning towards his house, but he stopped and turned again, driving onto a small street. He turned into a parking lot in front of a building, fairly large, with a sign that read, "Tae Ho Tae Kwon Do." :side note- Tae Ho is roughly "brilliant tiger". Brilliant as in shining, not as in smart. Apparently, you can be stupid and be shining.: Jun Jin grabbed my hand as soon as we got out of the car, and dragged me in.
A middle- aged man sat at a desk in a corner office. He wore the proud uniform of a martial artist, carrying his stature perfectly straight. My back automatically bent into a bow.
"Hello, sir." Jun Jin and I chorused in union. The man looked up. His piercing eyes bore into me, reading my soul.
"Hello. Come in, come in." He stood and motioned for us to enter. We sat down opposite him, as I tried to inconspicuously poke Jun Jin to find out what was going on.
"So, Jun Jin, this is your girlfriend."
"Yes, sir."
"Neither he nor Hye Sung have been able to stop talking about you."
"Sir?" I questioned.
"Ah, Jun Jin, you clod! You were supposed to explain to her before she came!" The master laughed, a rich sound that filled the room, but not making the atmosphere uncomfortable. I immediately felt more relaxed.
"Well," He introduced himself. "I am Master Do. And no, my first name is not Tae Kwon. Anyways, this is my dojang. You see, Hye Sung is one of my students- one of the senior black belts here, actually. He and Jun Jin came up to me last week to tell me about some one they knew that was a black belt, but had not been attending for two years. They went on to explain that they would like to enroll her in our school." He stared at me.
"I was completely unaware of this, sir." This caused the master to laugh.
"Of course! I can tell by your expression." He chuckled. "So would you like to enroll?"
"I would love to sir, but…"
"All payment has already been taken care of by this young gentleman here." Jun Jin shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"No, sir, it isn't a matter of payment, but rather one of time."
"I have also contacted your school to allow for you to take the class during your physical education period. This is what Hye Sung is also doing, and since there are quite a few college students are doing this as well, we have arranged a special class for you and your peers at around the same time. I hope you will please consider this offer."
"Thank you very much!" I could not help but grin- my mouth had been gradually falling further and further open in shock as the words came out of the master's mouth. I was to start Tae Kwon Do again!
"So we will see you in class starting… Perhaps next week?"
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Jun Jin and I got up to leave.
"Oh, and Jun Jin?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Keep a good hold of this one. She's a good one."
We bowed and exited, with my trying to keep my excitement contained but failing miserably as soon as we walked out the double doors.
"Yes!" I jumped up into the air and shouted in ecstasy. I hugged Jun Jin, taking him by surprise, but I could simply feel that grin spreading across his face.
"You butt." I pulled away and slapped him on the shoulder.
"What? Oww…" He complained. I hugged him again.
"I don't need you to pay for it, Jin…"
"But I want to. You've made me so much happier, did you know that? This is really the least I could do. And Hye Sung pitched in, too."
"But still. But remind me to thank Hye Sung, later, too. You know, I've become happier, too."
"But you've done more for me." He said, as we got back into the car. "I actually haven't told anyone about this, and no one knows, Jeong Mi." He said, with an austere expression.
"What?" I said, immediately concerned. Something was wrong.
"Look." He simply said and pulled up his right sleeve. Thin, red lines adorned his powerful arm. The cuts had been much deeper before, I could tell. But there were no new ones that adorned this arm that had embraced me so much, that had pulled me in to comfort me on the autumn days and lonely nights, that had hugged me close to let me know that he was there. They had been the same ones that had decorated mine in my high school years. Mine had long since faded, but his were ever present.
"Oh, Jun Jin…" I felt my tears fall onto the healing lines as I bent down to kiss them. He pulled me in once again, and I felt his tears on my cheek.
"Jeong Mi, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to upset you."
"No, Jun Jin, it's fine… I'm not upset; I just don't know why I can't control my stupid tears." I pulled away gently. "I just want you to know that you're not alone." I pulled up my own sleeve.
"Mine are gone now, but before I started college, mine looked like yours. I just don't want you to ever hurt yourself again, because I'm here for you, and I always will be." He hugged me again, and we both just sat there for a while in each others' embrace.
He drove me home after that. I invited him to stay over for the night, and he obliged. We had grown more comfortable in each others' presence. We had grown closer than anyone knew, even Min Woo. Although the rest of the group were disappointed that we had not grown physically closer, this was not the case; whenever we slept over at each others' houses, as we did often, we slept in the same bed. This was through mutual consent, as we trusted each other, and more or less, ourselves, to control our hormones. We also had an unspoken pact not to sleep together, until- that is, if- we got married.
Since he slept over so often, he also left many of his things over at my house. Min Woo's things were still here, but he rarely came over now, so Jun Jin's things primarily occupied what had previously been called "Min Woo's room".
I changed out of my school clothes into a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt. Jun Jin did likewise and donned his school sweatshirt and a pair of comfortable pants. As I walked back into my living room, Jun Jin approached me. He naturally put his arm around my shoulder and steered me to the couch. We sat down, his arm still around me.
"Jeong Mi?"
"What is it, Jun Jin?"
"How come you won't take me to meet your parents yet?" He asked, in a mockingly hurt voice. He stared down, the corners of his lips twitching as he threatened to explode into laughter. But I could tell that he had been wanting to ask me this for a long time; his eyes told me so.
"I'm sorry. I know I haven't mentioned my family yet. It's because I wanted to get you back for surprising me with a trip to your parents." He raised an eyebrow. "And plus," I continued, "My parents are a little bit more lax about who I go out with, as long as they're smarter and stronger than I am." I grinned.
"Oh." He said, taken aback but still overflowing with laughter. "But you've met with my parents loads." He said, pouting, cocking his head like a little puppy. I stroked and patted his head.
"Tell you what, I've been wanting to show you off since I met you, so how about this- since tomorrow's Saturday, why don't we go to their house? We can drive down in the afternoon, spend a couple hours with them, and come back up. How's that sound?"
"That sounds awesome. But I'm scared now."
"Why?"
"I'm scared that your parents might not find me smart or strong enough to have you."
"God, Jun Jin, I honestly can't think of anyone more qualified. You attend your school on a full scholarship, you take the most rigorous classes your school offers… And have you looked in the mirror recently? I mean, with your shirt off? You are one of the most muscular men I know. And I'm proud to be your girlfriend." I stared up at him, curled up into a ball in his protective arms.
"Thanks." He grinned. I kissed him on the cheek, and he smiled. "Come on, let's go to bed." He lifted me up as a man does when carrying his wife through the door on the first day of their honeymoon. I giggled, blushing red.
"Wow. We know who's ready to get married, don't we?" I teased.
"Actually, with you, I think, yeah. Anything is possible, and I look forward to waking up every day for the rest of our lives next to you." He said as he gently set me down onto the bed. I found my heart aching with the love I felt for him when he said this. For him, it was simply an unconditional thing, where he knew he loved me (which, by the way, he hadn't told me yet), and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. For me, it was not nearly as obvious, but I knew that his feelings were returned. Without saying anything, I laced myself into his arms and fell asleep there. He knew what I meant.
The world was coming to an end.
It wasn't something that came out of some science fiction novel or some bad rendition of a movie. It was real, predicated solely on fact, fact that everyone in the world now knew. And tomorrow was the last day- at midnight tomorrow night, the radioactive rays of the sun would pierce through the ozone killing, everyone and everything on Earth.
It was midnight. Jun Jin lay peacefully next to me, in the warm bed. Funny how you can feel that before you die- the warmth of a bed, I mean. But I could tell that he wasn't asleep- he was just as awake as I was. I pulled closer to him and snuggled my face against his chest.
"Couldn't sleep either, huh?"
"Yeah." I laughed, then stopped. My laughter sounded odd, even as Jun Jin's voice joined in. His arms embraced me, in a protective gesture. I felt the beating of his heart, faster than normal but strong as ever. My heart slowed down to match his, to beat in sync, for what we knew to be one of our last times.
"If you could have one thing right now, what would it be?" I asked quietly.
"Right now? It would be…I guess… Now, don't take this the wrong way."
"It's a little late to take things the wrong way, don't you think? A little unreasonable." I stated, not quite a question.
"Well, it would be to have sex with you." He said, looking into my eyes. He wanted to see what I thought, I knew it.
"Why?" I asked, barely controlling the movement of my eyebrows. How could I not take it the wrong way?
"Because… Sex is a ceremony of sorts, one that declares two people as one, and unifies them as such. There's no one I can think of that I would like to be one with more than you." Jun Jin said, his eyes still boring into my very heart and soul.
"But," He continued, "I wouldn't like to."
"And why's that?"
"Because if we both have absolutely pure souls, we can find in each other in heaven that much more quickly and be united again." Both our hearts relaxed upon his saying this, and we fell quietly asleep.
I awoke the next morning, the covers as well as Jun Jin's arms carefully draped around me. Jun Jin was already up, studying me with careful eyes. They were filled with an emotion I had never seen before in him, but had felt myself. A feeling that although you would never be happy again, this moment would be the happiest moment not only in your life, but in the history of man. He hugged me closer, as if trying to warm me. I knew that this was not so, not in the physical sense, at least. At length, we got up. We washed, dressed in the clothes we liked best on each other. I dressed in a deep red blouse and long, black ankle length skirt. Jun Jin dressed in a white long sleeved shirt, a pair of black pants, and a grey button shirt.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Do you remember where you asked me to be your girlfriend and you proposed to me?"
"Of course. Here. Dress warm; it's cold out." He put my leather jacket around my shoulders; it hung to below my waist, as always.
We drove in Jun Jin's Audi to the secluded spot. The autumn leaves were falling. Did they know that they too would die with the coming winter? Yet our winter was to be one of blazing sun…
We sat there, beneath the tree as we had many, many times. My head against his shoulder, his arm entwined in mine. Our hands grasping each other.
"Jeong Mi?"
"Yeah, Jun Jin, what is it?" Jun Jin held up two golden wedding bands and placed one carefully in my palm. I took it, not feeling the ring in my hand at all, only the slight pressure his hand gave mine.
"Will you take me, Park Choong Jae, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do." He slipped the ring onto my finger. "And will you take me, Lee Jeong Mi, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do." I slipped the ring onto his finger.
"Then I now pronounce us," He whispered, "Man and wife."
We walked to the building they had assigned our neighborhood to; this was to stop the flow of inevitable mass panic when the radioactive rays struck the Earth. We lingered outside, trying to delay, if only in our minds, what was going to happen. Min Woo stood at the doorway, waiting for the two of us. He waved at us, telling us to come in, that the doors would be sealed off soon. There was a woman playing with her four year old daughter; those already in the building had tried to get them inside many, many times, but she had refused.
"My daughter said that she wanted to play." She explained. So they played in the dirt, in the grass, in the leaves.
We walked in at last, and the doors were sealed behind us. And we waited. At last, we could hear a deep rumbling. We knew it was coming. The rumbling grew louder, louder, louder, and we saw a small, bright speck appearing above us, in the ceiling. Jun Jin held me close, whispering a song, the song that he had played in his car on our first date. The speck became larger and larger, and suddenly a beam burst forth, headed for Jun Jin and I. Min Woo plunged forward, however, and was hit instead; he looked up once at me, smiled, and crumpled to the ground. I felt one tear fall on my face, and Jun Jin's warm breath and powerful embrace.
I awoke in a cold sweat, still in Jun Jin's arms. I felt his reassuring, but still sleeping form around me, but still felt my heart beating ever so quickly. The details of the dream were running out of my head so quickly… but some remained so vivid in my head, like flashes of an unwritten poem. My clouded mind, sharpened from the dream, was returning to its stupor… With Jun Jin's warm breath at my face, my drowsiness overcame me, and I fell back to sleep.
Jun Jin was sitting up. It was now three o' clock, only two hours after I had awoken from my dream. He sat with his back to me, his head bent down.
"Jun Jin?" I sat up, reaching towards him. He seemed not to hear me; I pulled towards him and placed my hand gently on his shoulder. He was crying.
"Oh, I'm sorry; did I wake you?" He asked, quickly wiping away the tears with the back of his hand.
"No, you didn't, Jun Jin." I squeezed his shoulder and settled myself beside him and pulled his hand into my lap and held it there. "What is it? Did you have a bad dream?"
"Kind of." He admitted sheepishly. Tears still spilled from his eyes. "It's just… this on top of everything else, and I guess I just cracked." He looked down and studied the patterns on his palm eagerly.
"Don't be ashamed. You know I'm here for you." He raised his head. "Listen, why don't we go to the kitchen, I'll make you a nice, warm cup of cocoa, and you can tell me about the dream, what's been going on, whatever. Come on." I stood up and headed out. I poured some milk into a pan and took out two mugs. I sat down and waited for the milk to heat, as Jun Jin came out and sat next to me. His eyes were a little less red now, I noticed. I stood up and put my arms around his neck, leaning my head against his chest. He put his arms around my waist and his chin on my head.
"So are you going to let yourself go through your troubles alone, or are you going to let me share the burden with you?" I asked after some time.
"All right." He finally said, and sat down. I did the same, and stared patiently into his eyes.
"Well, you see… It's all very complicated and hard to explain."
"Well, I'm not going anywhere, unless you are." I smiled encouragingly.
"All right, then. I'll start with my dream. See, you and I were in the dream; all of us in the group were in the dream. And… well basically, someone, I don't know who, went and… killed you." I felt my blood run cold. "The guys were all at your funeral, and then Kang Ta came and talked to me in the dream. He told me to take good care of you, and to be careful. That this dream was a warning of what might happen to you if I didn't." He buried his face in his hands, not crying again, but obviously very much strained. I hugged him close.
"Jun Jin, it'll be okay. Think of it this way- Kang Ta gave us a warning to be careful. And so we will. I would rather not be six feet under, and I don't think you want it either, so just don't get upset by it; Kang Ta means us well, and he's still watching over all of us. I won't drop dead soon, Jun Jin. Don't worry." I stood up to make pour the cocoa. I brought Jun Jin a mug and began to sip quietly at mine.
"So, now… Tell me what's been going on."
"Well, it's not that I hate to be getting closer to you, but… My parents." He sighed, and shrugged as though he didn't care. His eyes reflected otherwise, though. "My parents told me when I was sixteen that they would get divorced as soon as I fixed myself in a stable relationship with a good woman. They've been looking to grow apart for years, but they stayed together for me. So I could get married and all. And I've known about this for years, so I don't know why I'm reacting like this. But I'm just so confused because I really, really like you, but I don't want my parents to get divorced. That, on top of stress from school, stress from people, you know. It's been wearing me down. You're really all I have to look forward to, lately." He paused. "I want to thank you."
"What for?"
"For sticking by this pathetic being named Park Choong Jae." He said bitterly.
"Jun Jin!"
"What? It's true. My life is a mess. I've let it become a mess."
"No, you haven't, Choong Jae. Your life may not be at its best right now, but we can pull it through. Together. And remember- you have me on your side, my heart beating right there with yours. So, now, I want you to be there for me. Help me to help you pull you through this. We can do it, Jun Jin."
We sat down, without another word, and drank our cocoa with some biscotti I brought out. After we had had our little snack, we went back to bed. As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Jun Jin whisper.
"Jeong Mi, I know you can't hear me right now… Maybe it's better that way, because I still don't have the courage to say this to you to your face, looking you in the eyes. You have no clue how afraid I am everyday, because I want that day with you to work out well. Am I doing well so far? I would like to know… But sometimes I think you're just here with me because you pity me. I really hope you aren't." He swallowed. "I love you, Jeong Mi. I hope you know that, and I really hope I'll be able to work up the courage to tell you this outright someday. I love you." He then pulled himself closer to me and put his arms around me.
I awoke the next morning and looked at the clock. It read a little past eight, the small brass hands ticking idly away. I pulled closer into Jun Jin's warm embrace, putting one arm around his back and the other on his chest. He let out a little moan, still asleep, pulled me closer. I gazed at his face, his eyebrows, slightly furrowed, his lips slightly open. I brushed my fingers lightly against them.
"Jun Jin, please don't feel nervous or insecure around me. It's just that… I feel so comfortable around you, and I would hope that you did, too. You're doing a great job of making me happy and loving me; I can feel your love emanating from your heart as you talk to me, look at me, embrace me. And I don't pity you; I want to be there for you because you need me now, and I'm here for you because…" I took a gulp of air and paused. "Because I love you. I love you, Jun Jin, and I always will."
Was that momentary freeze I had felt from him just a part of my imagination? It must have been; he was sound asleep. Perhaps I had wanted so badly for him to hear it that I had predetermined in my mind that he had. I snuggled out of his arms to go and make Jun Jin a nice breakfast. I gathered up a sweater to wear before I headed out to the kitchen and started cooking; Jun Jin's body was actually a lot warmer than it looked. By the time I had finally thawed out my fingers and cooked everything, it was nine o' clock. I went back in to wake Jun Jin, still sleeping like an angel. I sat at his side and stared at him for a while. I longed to run my fingers through his long, soft hair. I gave in to the urge and tentatively placed my hand on his head. He stirred a bit, but not too much. I softly ran my hand along his hair, taking care not to hurt him. I smiled to myself, then lowered my hand to his shoulder.
"Jun Jin." He stirred again. "Jun Jin, love, wake up now…" Jun Jin opened one eye. He then closed it again and proceeded to throw his arm against me to pull me down next to him. After a brief tussle that resulted in the blanket falling on the floor and Jun Jin falling on top of me, Jun Jin kissed my nose.
"Good morning."
"Hello!" I replied, giggling. "We do seem to end up in this position very often, don't we?"
"Yes, ma'am. We do." He stated, keeping a strict face. "And we also seem to do this very often." He said, still with the face, but with his fingers reaching out to tickle my sides again.
After several minutes of resisting the tickling, I finally gave in and collapsed into his arms. Finally pleased, Jun Jin kissed me on my forehead and got up.
"I'll make breakfast. You fought a good fight," He smiled and reached over to touch my cheek. "So you can go ahead and sleep a little more. I know you didn't get much sleep last night because of me."
"No, Jun Jin… I'll cook. You didn't sleep, either."
"Jeong Mi, sit down. Is it because you don't like my cooking?" He asked, tears forming in his eyes. They seemed real enough…
"Ohh… Jun Jin…" I looked up at his pouty face. I put my arms around his neck and looked into his tear- brimmed eyes. "I love your cooking, baby, it's just that I don't want you to be too tired for my mummy and daddy." He looked up, his face screwed up in deep thought. He then picked me up despite my outbursts and complaints, placed me on the bed, and tucked me in. He rushed off to make breakfast while I stared, dumbfounded.
I lay there in my warm bed, thinking about Jun Jin, our relationship, and what he had said to me the night before. I so desperately wanted to be his in every sense of the phrase- to be by his side, to wake up every morning to that soft smile that played on his lips every time we slept over at each others' house, to have his arms around me as we sat beneath a tree, to experience the rest of our lives together. If it would make his parents get a divorce and consequently make him unhappy, I could never do it. I wouldn't do it. I forced myself out of bed and began to make my way to the now- warm kitchen. It would hurt me and him, but it would be better than having his parents get a divorce because of it. I froze at the doorway of the bedroom, however. Our bedroom, now. Wouldn't this hurt him as well? To leave him? He said had said that he loved me, if not to meant for my face. And wouldn't he find another girl that would make his parents get divorced anyways, and wouldn't that hurt me every time I saw him pass by me in the street or in a shop or anywhere with her? But perhaps that woman he would meet would make him so happy that he wouldn't be heartbroken over his parents. Yes, that was it. Jun Jin would be better off with a girl that would make him happier than I would. I forced my knees to firm up and my legs to start walking. The image of his back, with the apron knot tied neatly on his lower back, with his hair tied back into a short ponytail and his clothes a bit loose, burned itself into my memory. But couldn't I make him every bit as happy as that girl he would meet? I wanted to collapse again, but I knew what I had to do. For him.
"Jeong Mi? Are you all right?" Jun Jin turned around and asked, rushing towards me, his face thrust into worry. I looked around and found that I had collapsed, my arms cast listlessly down onto the floor in my kneeling position.
"Jun Jin… I'm sorry." I found a solitary tear sliding down my cheek. But this was all wrong- in my dream, this tear had been meant for Min Woo… Was I doing something wrong? I was crying again, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to hurt him, or me, but it had to be done… I was so hopelessly lost in my own head! I could barely hear my own voice hoarsely whispering. "Jun Jin…"
"What is it, Jeong Mi?" He was bent down near my face, embracing me.
"We… We have to break up." To my surprise, he began to laugh.
"Have you gone mad? You make me fall head over heels for you, and you say this now? You can't be serious."
"I am, Jun Jin. I don't want you to be heartbroken over the divorce of your parents because of your relationship with me."
"So, what?" He was staring down at me with an almost contemptuous face, but with his eyes belying his fear and worry. What had I done? Something that needed to be done. If he was angry at me, perhaps he would find it easier to get rid of me…
"So what?" He repeated as he sat down next to me. "You leave me and that's it? We say goodbye and never see each other again, at least not in the sense that we've been seeing each other, and I'm supposed to be able to endure the heartbreak of that, and not of my parents' divorce? I knew this was coming for a long time, Jeong Mi. It's been almost ten years since they told me. You think that I would be so heartbroken that I would be unhappy with you? Jeong Mi, I love you. I care more about being with you than my parents' divorcing. Believe it or not, that's their life. My life is my own, not my parents', and now, part of that life is you." He paused for breath while I waited in shocked silence. I knew he loved me, but he declared his love so frankly, and he had been afraid to do so just last night!
"And do you think I'll ever find another girl just like you, Jeong Mi? Someone who makes me happy just by existing? I never will. I've never been this happy in my life, Jeong Mi. Don't rain on my parade." He grabbed me and embraced me on the cold hardwood floor. "Don't ever, ever, ever scare me like that again, Jeong Mi. You know I love you. I couldn't live without you."
"I love you, too, Choong Jae. I just want whatever's best for you."
"Then stay with me forever, and let me live by your side. Let me make you happy." We stayed like that for another five minutes, without a word. Suddenly, I sneezed, and Jun Jin stood up abruptly. He held out his hand to help me up.
"I forgot how cold this floor was. Here. We'll have to get ready soon so that we can drive down to your parents' house."
After we ate and showered, we decided to wear the same things we had worn when we had gone to see Jun Jin's parents.
"After all, we won them over in them, we could win yours over, too!" Jun Jin grinned. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought so.
I saw Jun Jin came into me room with his suit on and his tie in his hands through my mirror. He looked so handsome...
He was wrapping his hand with the tie, then unwrapping it, moving his hand around and around the other hand, then moving it the other way when he reached the end of the line. It was a ritual I had only seen a few times, and that at times when he was very nervous. This was what he had done when I first slept over at his house, and the time he was in some prestigious worldwide academic competition. He and I had been on the South Korean team, and we took home the silver medal. He had done it then as well. He was nervous again. I turned around, pausing as I brushed my hair. He came up behind me and turned me back around. Silently, he turned my body back around and took the brush from my hands. He gently began to brush my hair, murmuring the words to some meandering song. He held my hair in his hands as he tied my ribbon around it, then tied it into a perfect bow. He smiled at me through the mirror.
"You look beautiful." He whispered. I did not reply, but instead turned around, took the tie from his hand, and put it lovingly around his neck. I slowly tied the tie, feeling the silk cloth in my hands as I pulled it through one last time, then straightened it. Perfect.
"You look so handsome." I murmured. I took a deep breath. "Are you ready?"
"I would be… but since it's on such short notice and I'm not as prepared as you are, I haven't bought your parents a present yet. I don't exactly know what they like, so let's start a little early, get a present, and then drive down to your parents' home." Jun Jin smiled.
"All right, then. Let's go!" I walked out of my bedroom with Jun Jin's hands on my shoulders, and unhooked Jun Jin's coat from the stand by the door. I held it so that he could wear it. I also handed him his hat- he was one of the few people whose hair didn't get mussed after wearing and taking off a hat- and scarf. He then did the same for me, and we walked out the door into the cool autumn air.
I sat thinking again while Jun Jin drove, singing along to the music.
"Hey, why aren't you singing along today?" Jun Jin asked lightheartedly, though I knew him better than that. With our discussion that morning, I knew he was worried about me.
"Hrm? Oh. It's nothing, Jinnie." I said, calling him by the pet name his parents used. He grinned, then let the smile to fade away. Oh, Jun Jin, don't ever let your smile fade…
"Come on, Something's up. What happened?"
"Nothing. Just a dream."
"Then tell me." He looked at me as he drove. I grinned and used my hand to gently turn his head back toward the road. "Come on, I told you mine…" He whined, and pouted. How could I not resist those puppy eyes of his, the very same ones he had used to further win me over in the "Man Doo Show"?
"After we go and see my parents. I promise, Choong Jae." He knew that when I used his birth name, I was being serious.
"All right. Now… tell me about mum and da."
"Well, my mother and father are… very funny people. Funny as in comical. Funny as in they only bought me a car as a graduation gift because I got into 'our' college of first choice. Funny as in they said that I couldn't date until after I was married. Funny as in having the habit of passing out candy, snacks, drinks, the works to random friends or people they liked when I was in high school. Or my mom did, at least." I went on to explain that they were very old- fashioned people, and that even thought they didn't very much like personally my love of the martial arts, they supported me. Jun Jin laughed so hard at all of this that even when we arrived at the local florist's shop, we stayed in the car until he- actually, we, by that time- had stopped laughing.
Jun Jin, upon hearing that my mother had an innate gift for plants and that my father liked plants around his home, he ran into the florist shop- after he had stopped laughing, that is- and left me in the car.
"I know just what she'll like." He proudly smiled as he left me behind. He ran back out several minutes later, bearing a plant with few leaves but a long, vine- like, woody stem. It appeared to be some sort of orchid, but I couldn't tell; although I had done exceedingly well in botany the year before, I was miserably ruddy at growing plants and thus paid little attention to the ones my mother grew, except to admire them.
"Here, could you hold this while I drive?" He handed the plant to me. I held it gently in my lap.
"We'll be there within a half an hour, I think, maybe an hour at the most." Jun Jin smiled. We were soon driving again, along a stretch of freeway with few cars, but this was not to last. About fifteen minutes later, we saw the traffic piling up ahead of us.
"Oh, no!" I murmured. Jun Jin glanced sideways over to me and began to laugh.
"Hey, don't ruin that face with a frown, love."
"I'm sorry, Jin. It's just that… I mean, I've been waiting to show you to my parents forever, and I've just been kind of… afraid to. Not that I'm afraid that they won't like you, but more that they'll react to you badly because of me. And you wanted to meet my parents, too, and the day that I finally decide for it, this happens. There's never traffic on this freeway…" I ranted softly and looked down, but to my surprise, Jun Jin was laughing again.
"Silly duck." He said, touched my cheek. "You know, there are some times when the shortest route simply isn't." I looked up. "I'm going to go by local route. There's a really quick way to get to your parents house, and I bet you didn't even know it existed. Really beautiful, too. Too many people stop to look at the surroundings to drive, and so there's hardly any traffic." I stared quizzically up at him, and he sighed mockingly. "You know, for the brightest girl I've ever met, you really are a little slow." He teased.
"What? I wasn't bright to begin with! And what do you mean I'm a little slow? I thought you were on my side!" I protested.
"There, there. It's all right. Jinnie'll take care of you. It's okay." Jun Jin said in a baby voice.
"Park Choong Jae! I don't know why the devil I love you anyways!" I pretended to be angry.
"It's because I'm so smart." Jun Jin beamed. I poked him in the side, and he protested, "That's not fair! I'm driving! Besides, I don't think you've ever used Aleida Path to drive to your parents' house before, eh?"
"What? Aleida Path? I've never even been on it before. Isn't there some sort of superstition that if your first time there is with a lover, the couple will live a blessed life?" I teased back.
"Why do you think I've been waiting this long to go on it, eh?" Jun Jin smiled, his eyes glinting.
"God! Jun Jin, I don't know what to do with you." I pushed him gently.
"You could kiss me." He suggested hopefully. I threw up my hands.
Aleida Path truly was every bit as beautiful as everyone said it did. It was a long pathway that stretched for many towns, along its sides growing flowers and trees whose colours changed as the seasons did. During the spring, it was alive with fresh pinks and yellows, bright greens and light blues. During the summer, strong greens and some orange came into view, and darker blues also came to invade. In the winter, some bare branches overshadowed things, but with the purples and blues that reflected the frozen season, it looked breathtaking. The autumn, however, was the most beautiful. Full, rich, oranges and reds adorned the golden atmosphere of the path, and deep, natural violets were beginning to flush into view. This set the scene as we headed toward my parents' house. We did stop for a while, as other couples did, to admire the scenery, and to take pictures. The camera, provided by Jun Jin, made me smile.
"You planned this all along, didn't you?" I cocked my head.
"No, it was just this morning that I thought of it." We laughed. As we strayed a bit from our car, we spotted Dong Wan and Sun Kim doing the same.
"Hey, Dong Wan, Sun Kim!" Jun Jin and I waved. They waved back and walked to us.
"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" Sun Kim asked, wrapped up in Dong Wan's thick jacket.
"We were on the way to my parents' house when we decided to stop awhile." I smiled. "You look cold."
"Yeah. Dong Wan gave me his jacket, though." She smiled up at him.
"Wow, Dong Wan, how come you never did that to me?" Jun Jin teased.
"Stop it, Jun Jin. You know we were never meant to be." Dong Wan replied seriously. Sun Kim and I laughed while Jun Jin began to slap Dong Wan's powerful arms as the latter ran around, trying to keep the former off. Sun Kim and I couldn't let that happen, so we joined the fray, and dragged ours off of each other's. We bade each other farewell, and with Sun Kim and Dong Wan wishing us good luck with my parents, we drove off.
I called my parents when we arrived within ten minutes of their house.
"Hello?"
"Hi, mom!"
"Hello? Jeong Mi, is that you?"
"Meow." I laughed into the receiver of Jun Jin's cell phone.
"Hey, I thought you gave up that habit years ago." My mother laughed back. "So what is it?"
"Aww, mom, I'm hurt. You're not happy to hear me?"
"I am, but you never call like this unless you've done something. You called me just two days ago!"
"All right. Mom, I'm coming to your house."
"What? When?"
"I'll be there in like ten minutes, and I'm bringing a friend. Is that okay?"
"You're supposed to tell me these things earlier, so I can actually feed you and your friend."
"All right, mom. So we can come, right?"
"Yes, yes. Can you just pick up some kimchi on the way home? You know, from that one store."
"All right, mom, see you in a bit." I hung up.
"Meow?" Jun Jin asked bemusedly.
"Yep. Meow. Old family joke. Oh, yeah. We have to swing by a kimchi store on the way home. Mom wants some kimchi."
We stood at the door of my parents' home as Jun Jin double checked his suit for wrinkles and fumbled about, worrying.
"Jun Jin, stop it. I didn't know that you were such an old hen, clucking and worrying. I thought you were the 'manly' type, the one who didn't worry."
"But I'm scared!" Jun Jin whined. I kissed him on the cheek and held his arms.
"You'll be fine. My parents will love you. If you're so scared, excuse yourself during dinner to go to the bathroom. I'll ask my parents about you and you can stand in the hallway, listening. Happy?"
"All right." Jun Jin smiled nervously, clutching the plant for dear life. I rang the bell.
"Hello, Jeong Mi!" It's so good to see you, you really must come down more often, and… Who's this?"
"Hello, ma'am. My name is Park Choong Jae."
"Welcome, Choong Jae. Nice to meet you."
"The pleasure is all mine."
"Well, don't just stand there, come in! It's freezing out!" We all walked down the short hallway to the living room.
"Where's dad?"
"Oh, up in the study. He'll be down in a second."
"No, we'll go up." I said, as my father came walking in a stately manner down the stairs.
"You're home." My father said. He never was a man to show much emotion, in contrast to my mother, who was always expressing one emotion or another, changing between them so quickly that my father called her an aluminum kettle- quick to heat up, quick to cool down.
"Who's this?" He asked curiously as he sat down on the sofa.
"Hello, sir. My name is Park Choong Jae. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Mom, dad, Choong Jae is my boyfriend."
"Oh! Well, welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay here in my humble home." My father said, clearing his throat. "Well, sit down." Jun Jin complied numbly, and I sat down beside him. My mother went into the kitchen to cook. I stood up to help her, but she waved me away, so I sat down once again. After a few agonizingly silent moments, my father spoke again.
"What's that?" Jun Jin froze, unsure of what my father was talking about.
"The plant. What is it?" My father asked, a little more kindly. Jun Jin had been clutching onto my hand desperately with one hand and the plant with the other.
"Oh, this is a plant I bought for you and your wife."
"Oh, thank you!" My mother came out of the kitchen upon eavesdropping on this, and was beaming. I could tell he had won her over long before she had ever even seen him. My father looked as he normally did- not frowning, not smiling, but with a strict face.
"It's a flower that's supposed to grow only under the love and care of an experienced hand, so I brought it for you and your wife."
"Thank you. Jeong Mi, set it down by the window, and let's see how it looks. I stood up, and Jun Jin still latched onto my hand fearfully. My father noticed this and finally smiled. I won't bite you, you know. Here, let's go take a walk to calm your nerves, how about that?" Jun Jin nodded in reply.
We took a long walk, during which Jun Jin remained mostly silent, answering only in a military "yes" or "no" when my father asked him a question. He still clutched my hand fiercely as we walked. Soon, my father gave up in trying to get him to talk and simply walked. He headed back into the house, and left the door open for us. I stopped Jun Jin.
"Jun Jin, calm down. My parents will like you less if you keep acting like an idiot. I told you before, I want a guy that's smarter than me. That's not only my criteria, but my parents', as well. You and I both know you're capable of beating this, so calm down. They will not eat you… alive, at least. So come on. Don't be nervous. Pretend like you're talking to me, okay?"
"All right." He took a deep breath. "I can do this." He exhaled, and we walked in through the French doors together, to the first dinner of many that he and my family would have together.
We sat down to dinner. Jun Jin had become accustomed to not praying at the table after a month of eating many meals with me, at which I refused to pray most of the time- not out of disrespect of his religion, but out of observance of my own. When we had dinner with his family, I would pray, and the few times he took me to church, I followed his lead, as he did mine when I took him to my temple, but had told him soon after we met that I would not convert to his religion, nor pressure him to convert to mine.
"I can't agree more." Jun Jin nodded after I told him this. "I don't want you to feel pressured about religion; there are far too many things to stress about in life to fiddle over a minor something like religion."
We talked up a storm over dinner, as we usually did when I ate with my parents. To my relief, and to Jun Jin's, he found that he was able to speak his mind with my family, instead of sitting shyly merely listening. He seemed much better than me during my first meal with his parents, however. Still, he must have been insecure, because towards the end of dinner, he squeezed my hand, and excused himself for the bathroom. I got up to show him the way, and in the hall, he whispered, "You know, I like your parents, but my feelings for them cannot predicate their feelings for me."
"All right. Don't worry, I'm sure you're doing fine." He kissed me on the cheek, and I walked calmly back into the dining room. My parents were silent, and looked up at me as I walked in.
"So, mom, dad, what do you think?" I asked as I sat down.
"Of?" My mother questioned interestedly, lowering her chopsticks. Why was it so easy to distract my mother? I would never know.
"She wants to know about what we think of Choong Jae." My father nodded sagely. I stared intently at them, possibly more nervous than Jun Jin was.
"Oh, I like him. Seems like a nice boy. He seems intelligent, and responsible, with a good personality. Good looking, and nice body, too." She laughed.
"He's all right, but you can't marry him." My father said blatantly, chewing. I felt my heart lurch at this.
"What? I'm not thinking as far ahead to marriage, dad, but why?"
"I don't like him. Be careful. You've had people take advantage of you, we all have. I wouldn't trust him too much, if I were you. You can never know."
"But, dad, don't you think that you're being a little unfair? Just because there are some people that like to take advantage of others, you automatically distrust them?" I felt anger flare in my heart. Jun Jin's fear was coming true…
"I don't care. Remember that woman that your mother 'befriended'? She wound up trying to run off with your mother's checking account and PIN number!" My mother stared intently at her food. "Anyways, he seems like a player. And walking in here, stuttering like an idiot!"
"Dad! Jun Jin was just nervous! He was afraid you would think this way!"
"What would he have to worry about if he had nothing wrong with him? And who's Jun Jin?"
"That's what he calls himself, dad. Jun Jin, you know- straight, forward, on a path undistracted. That's what you always told me, isn't it?"
"Well, I don't like him. What's wrong with his name to begin with? I don't want you to marry him. And don't you take her side. You know what I'm talking about." He said to my mother. "Even if he isn't a player, he's not good-" My father trailed off as Jun Jin entered the room, his face perfectly composed. I could feel his heart reach out for mine, and I reached back. He was wounded by what he had heard. The rest of dinner was spent in silence. After we had eaten dinner, my mother offered us a cup of tea, but Jun Jin refused.
"Thank you very much, ma'am , and I'm very sorry to refuse. However, both of us have an important test on Monday, and we really must be going." Jun Jin bowed to my parents. "Thank you both so much for your hospitality, Doctor and Mrs. Lee. It was very nice meeting you, and I hope you rest well. Good night."
"I'll call you later, mom." We bowed and left.
We headed towards Jun Jin's car through the night air, with the crickets chirping slowly all around us. The air had become so much colder, as had Jun Jin's brisk attitude. We hurried into the car. I couldn't read his expression for the first time since I had met him.
"Jun Jin, please don't be angry. My father really does have good reason to act like that, not that he has any reason to do that to you, but still… He's been through a lot. I'm sorry that he thinks that way about you, and I know that I can trust you, that's really all I care about…" My voice trailed off into the silence, silence that pounded in my ears. Jun Jin sat in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead, unmoving. He turned to me at last, after five minutes of torturing me. I felt a dull, aching pain in my heart, and an unfamiliar feeling- was it fear?
"Do you feel the same way?" he asked, pain reflecting in his deep eyes.
"No, Jun Jin, I don't. You know that I love you, and… basically, I am not my parents."
Without another word, he pushed the key into the ignition, and began to drive away from my parents' house. I dared not ask him where we were going; although I feared the silence, I feared hurting him again more. The radio was off; I prayed in my head for something, anything to break the silence. I wished to fill this gap with my own endless scream. Nobody would ever understand the pain I had gone through for so long alone… And I did not wish to lose Jun Jin and have to go through another hurt as deep.
We drove for nearly two hours in silence, back towards home. I tried to pretend as though nothing had happened- I tried to talk to him as I normally would, about school, about his parents, about us- but he did not look at me… nor did he even appear to have heard me. Oh, Jun Jin… please don't ever let that smile of yours fade…
We approached my house, but instead of slowing down, Jun Jin continued. I turned to him again.
"Jun Jin, where are we going?"
"You'll see." He said, his voice hoarse. He cleared his throat. He was trying to show me his strong side, trying to block the pain from his heart by protecting me. And I wanted to take that pain and make it my own, to stop it from hurting him forever. My parents were my parents, but Jun Jin was my love. I would never find anyone that I would love as much as I loved him. Not my friends, not my parents, not even Min Woo. I would never be happy with anyone else.
We drove to a large grassy field. Jun Jin got out of the car, and the wind immediately took him up. His long hair blew against his face in the wind, and his coat moved. He silently began to walk away from the car. I got out after him and felt the strong wind in at my coat, throwing my hair into my face. I brushed it away, hard, and ran after him.
"Jun Jin!" I called as I caught up to him. He stopped and held my hand. I was surprised by this display of affection, and I could feel my blood rush to my cheeks from the sheer exhilaration of his touch. He smiled so brilliantly, that smile, so lovely, that it was almost painful to watch.
"Jun Jin, please don't be angry." I said again. "I don't think the same way my parents do- or at least, the way my dad does. My mom, by the way, really liked you. I think she was as hurt as I was to hear him speak that way about you. And remember how you said that you though that anything was possible with me? How you said that you were ready to marry me any moment? I'm not asking for that, now, Jun Jin, but I'm asking for you to believe that I feel the same way. And I won't let anything stop me."
He pulled me close and wrapped himself about me, his body cold, yet inviting. "It's too soon for marriage."
"Is it because-" He seemed to know what I was going to say, and shushed me, quietly and calmly placing his finger upon my lips.
"No, it isn't. Don't worry. But you don't feel that it's too early to marry me? If so, I'll go bring a wedding ring right now. But other than that, I don't really want to get married now. I'd like to have some security in myself before we do."
"I was just worried… that you didn't want to marry me because-"
"Because of you parents. I know." He finished. "But I still love you, Jeong Mi. I was thinking during the drive, you know? At first I was so angry at your father… And I still kind of am. I mean, it wasn't exactly what I needed to hear right then."
"I understand." I nodded.
"But then, I realized that you were right, and that you aren't your parents, and that if you felt that way of loved someone else, you wouldn't be here now. So I decided to bring you here." He pressed closer to me, his eyes shining in the dark.
"But where is here? It looks beautiful, but not more than any other autumn grass fields I've seen."
"Come this way with me." He held my hand and guided me further away from the car. After some walking, I found that we had actually been traveling up a slight incline, and that this was the top of a hill. At the bottom of the hill ran a river, swift but silent, and above us, the stars shone more brightly than I had ever seen them.
"What do you think?" He asked, smiling. After a few moments of shocked stillness, I stared back at Jun Jin.
"This is too much beauty to handle in one day. First, Aleida Path, and now this? God, Jun Jin…" I breathed.
"Well, I deal with it every day. Every moment. Because even when I'm not with you, I think about you."
We laid down upon the red, gold, and green grass, and under a blanket that Jun Jin had brought on top of the mass of stars over us, we fell asleep.
