PART VI: I DON'T LAIKA MARKETING!
LOCATION: A Sharo military base operating in Densan City, inner downtown.
"All you can eat, bub," said a grisly man in a hairnet as he handed a tray of food over the cafeteria counter.
Laika stared down at the meal that the hair-netted cafeteria chef had just handed to him. "Great," he thought grudgingly to himself. "Back when the economy was doing well, our military used to get imported Filet Mignon, three meals a day. Now the only food we get is an assorted exotic sushi platter and seaweed salad. Geez, the only thing that could make my day better would be laughing at that cafeteria chef's stupid hairnet."
Laika looked back at the hairnetted chef, but no laughter came. Clearly, he had chosen an inappropriate method of comic relief, for no matter how hard he tried, he was much too serious to bring himself to laugh at anything.
He carried his food over to sit at an empty table by himself as usual, but passed the opportunity when he saw that the only empty table left was situated next to where some new recruits had already sat down. They were busy using their high metabolism to scarf down a bunch of helpless, defenseless lunch platters, and Laika certainly didn't feel like overhearing what they would do with their girlfriends once they returned home.
"Laika! Over here!" shouted a familiar voice. "Take this empty seat next to me."
"Iriya? Back from fencing practice already?"
"No, even better! I just finished my part-time job, using my swordsmanship skills to trim the Commander's weeds. It's a metrosexual job for a soldier, to be sure, but someone has to do it."
Laika raised an inquiring eyebrow, as if reminding Iriya of something he may have forgotten. "Did you make sure to trim the excess petals around the orange magnolias ferdinandicus, as well as water the septicalanonymus forensicatreus?"
"Not only that…I rearranged the floral structures of the semiapocalyptical eucalyptusites. I even reverse-engineered the root structure of the relativius gratificatus so that it does not interfere with the photosynthetic feeding process of the gastronomicus maximus floriwonderus. As the children say, the end result was very…fab."
"Excellent, Iriya. You are not just a soldier…you are an absolute nerd."
Iriya grinned. "Yes, only one as intelligent as I could ever hope to amass so many Mad Skills."
Laika nodded in agreement, then continued, "So, Iriya, I saw you looking rather disturbed this afternoon while you were peeling potatoes in the kitchen. What exactly were you thinking about?"
"Besides the tedious act of actually peeling the potatoes? Well, the Commander gave me a harsh lecture this morning. Apparently, I sold all of our weapons supply and bought 1,500,000 yen worth of plastic children's toys using the profits I made, and I sincerely didn't even know about it. The military decided to punish me, so that's why you saw me peeling potatoes…although I really don't know what we'll use those potatoes for."
Laika thought to himself, "So THAT'S why we used squeak hammers and baby rattles in lethal weapons training."
(Granted, anything in the hands of a Sharo military soldier was a weapon, but some things were better left untouched.)
"Anyway," Iriya continued, "the ads were sent to me from a curious and cute little fellow who called himself Adver Man."
Laika's eyes narrowed; Iriya had uttered the very designation of the other He Who Must Not Be Named. As if by cue, Laika's PET glowed red, indicating a dangerous battle at Densan City Middle School. At the same time, a loud speaker alarm sounded, "IT'S THE CLUB THAT'S MADE FOR BOYS AND GIRLS LIKE YOU AND ME! M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E!"
Laika and Iriya cringed. "Mickey…Mouse?"
"I can explain that," said Searchman.exe, as he ran around in circles on Laika's PET. "I arranged a deal with a Net Navi named Adver Man, to whom I sold the military's alarm system to buy a brand-new Giga Class processor chip from IPC."
"Searchman! Why did you do such a thing?" asked Laika disappointedly.
"Look at how fast I can run now. Also, look at this." Searchman blasted his rifle at a random area, creating a gargantuan crater nearly 200 feet wide. Laika could not say he was happy considering the circumstances, but at least he felt a little more agreeable, and certainly impressed.
"Well, Searchman, that certainly ruled. As the children say, 1337. However, that doesn't change the fact that our alarm was sold to a corrupt salesman Navi."
"And because of this…" Iriya shuddered, "we were forced to use one of the toys I bought as a temporary alarm…Mickey Mouse! It's just too terrible and Disneyesque to comprehend!"
"My reputation of being relentlessly boring and overly serious is threatening to be ruined! That Adver Man will pay dearly for this!" shouted Laika as he ran out the door, ignoring his commanding officer's orders to peel potatoes as punishment for the Mickey Mouse alarm. Soon it was announced that this same officer had bought a large quantity of spud cannons.
The central intercom blasted a series of orders: "Everyone, man your cooking stations! Officer Kumo has purchased a large supply of spud cannons! We need everyone to get into the kitchen to start peeling potatoes for ammunition!"
Everyone listening directed an icy glare at Officer Kumo, then trodded grudgingly into the cafeteria's kitchen. Clearly, the sooner Adver Man was stopped, the better things would be.
LOCATION: An old and rusty auditorium building at Densan City Middle School.
"Program Advance! ZETA CANNON!"
"Sales Technique! RESULTS MAY VARY!"
R-Rockman's Zeta Cannon transformed into a huge chunk of cotton candy. The old auditorium was now filled with an array of children's toys and other such random items that were the result of his neutralized attacks.
"I think it's obvious when you look around," R-Rockman panted, exhausted from this so-called fight, "that you've been using this Results May Vary a little too much."
"Yeah, I agree," said R-Adver Man. "You must admit though, it's fun just to fight me and see what random item you get. It's just as if we're a role-playing game."
"You know, it's funny you should say that. But I really don't care about all these random items! I just wanna go home and eat."
"Look around you," said R-Adver Man, raising an eyebrow and pointing at all the cotton candy that R-Rockman's attacks had transformed into.
"Cotton candy! HOT DAWG!" R-Rockman cried as he unleashed his mighty hunger on a lone, defenseless pile of cotton candy, again revealing his fatal distraction flaw.
Suddenly, Laika rushed heatedly into the building, armed with a trusty spud cannon and a sack of the potatoes that Iriya had just peeled. As soon as he saw the random items piled up messily in the building, he let the sight soak in for a minute and then glanced at his own spud cannon, a sweat drop materializing on his forehead. At that moment, he thought quizzically to himself: "On any other day, this might seem strange."
"Raika! Fank goodneff yur here!" shouted R-Rockman as he scarfed down his cotton candy, making himself look rather pathetic in Laika's eyes. "R-Adver Man is running amok! I'm losing desparately! I need your help!"
"Apparently so," Laika replied, raising an eyebrow and taking in the gratuitous hilarity of the situation, thinking this must be why he thought Japanese Net Saviors had no Mad Skills. "Very well…even if it looks as though you don't need it, I suppose it is my duty to intervene."
With that, Laika put down his spud cannon and busted out his even trustier Synchro Chip. "Cross Fusion! R-Searchman!" He Cross-Fused with Searchman, but was slightly appalled when what was supposed to be his rifle arm was something quite different: a foam ball-shooting plastic slingshot. "Searchman…"
"Yes, Laika?"
"You sold the rifle too, didn't you?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Forget it. I'll just have to make do with this."
Laika pulled back a foam ball and shot at Adver Man's chest with land-on-a-dime precision. However, R-Adver Man did not deter the attack with his Results May Vary trick; he just let the ball hit him as though he was completely and utterly oblivious to it.
"Why didn't you block?" asked R-Rockman and R-Searchman in unison.
"What makes you think I had to block THAT one?" R-Adver Man responded with a cocky demeanor.
"There is no doubting your Mad Skills," R-Searchman murmured between clenched teeth, "but it is time to end this now! I'll take you out with one shot! This time, I'm going for the one target that TRULY matters!"
R-Searchman lowered his slingshot's aim, directing his precise line of fire at R-Adver Man's crotch. R-Adver Man suddenly realized where his aim was directed and became incredibly horrified. Perhaps Netto and Laika really had won this battle after all.
"Cheap shots like that usually don't win battles by themselves," Kenishiro stated in a defeated manner as he dispersed his Cross Fusion, "but I wouldn't want to risk any damage to the family jewels. I'll let you live for today, but I'll be back to sell to you again tomorrow."
As Netto and Laika also dispersed their Cross Fusions, Kenishiro was about to leave the auditorium and walk off dramatically into the sunset with intense and vengeful resolve, when he tripped over a random rubber duckling created by one of R-Rockman's neutralized attacks. "I MEANT TO DO THAT!"
"He was quite ineffective," Laika said, giving up all hope of making sense out of the situation, "but still very powerful. It would be wise to consult the others, namely your friends, on this incredibly dangerous and life-threatening manner."
"Uhhh…come again?" asked Netto, raising an eyebrow.
Laika sighed, remembering he had to dumb things down a little for Netto. "Well, ummm...we need some help fragging this 1337 dude."
"You're right! This looks like a job for…somebody else!" Netto cried as he busted out his cell phone to call Enzan and the others. "Our combined stupidity is not enough! We need more!"
Laika glared at Netto as he questioned the implications of his statement, then stared up at the sky, where Duo's comet shone brightly, and thought to himself, "Duo, Slur…what have you done?"
END PART VI
