Monday morning, I woke up feeling sick with nerves. For about the millionth time in the past two days, my mind replayed Saturday afternoon… Paul leaning in to me, kissing me, pushing deeper…
Me letting him, not pushing him way, not reacting, only pulling away when he started to feel me up, whispering a quick goodbye and then dashing up to my room to cry.
But whenever I started feeling so guilty about Jesse, my brain replayed another image. Him, shoving me away, telling me that he didn't want me. Me, crying and hurting.
But then came memories of Paul, from walking down in the morning, giddy and excited about the whole new level of closeness Paul and I had reached, and having my mom give me the note. Me confronting him, him telling me horrible things and then giving me those bruises that lasted nearly a month. Then him, going off to make out with another girl.
And then came Paul's confession yesterday… that he only broke up with me because he thought he cared about me too much. That he was so upset at hurting me, that he still cared about me even after everything.
Even after a day long painful meditation of my heart, I was still confused as hell.
But I couldn't forget Jesse's utter repulsion of me, and coming home crying on my birthday.
Nor could I forget Paul's sincerity, in his voice and eyes, when he told me I was beautiful… that he was crazy about me.
I came into school that morning with my step brothers, incredibly nervous. The only good thing was that Paul went to RLS. I didn't have to worry about seeing him today.
Jesse, however, was a different story.
I ran into Cee Cee first. "Hey, Suze," she greeted, cheerfully, unaware of my inner turmoil and confusion. "How was your weekend?"
"Eh," I said inadequately. "Yours?"
"Adam and I went to go see that new movie…" she began to tell me about a date she and Adam had went on—they were happily together, and had been for about 2 ½ months. According to Jesse, it was about 10 years in the making.
I was listening to her tell me a funny story about some couple near them at a restaurant, when a deep voice from behind me interrupted her.
"Susannah?" I took a deep breath, and slowly turned around.
"Hey Jesse, sit down. I was just telling Suze about--" Cee Cee began, but Jesse uncharacteristically interrupted her.
"Susannah, I need to talk to you," he said in a low, insistent voice. Cee Cee and I both took in Jesse's appearance. He looked haggard and upset, like he hadn't slept at all the night before.
"Can it wait?" I asked lamely, my non-confrontational side taking over. "Cee Cee was telling me this funny story about--"
"No, Susannah," he said firmly. "Now." Cee Cee looked at us, perplexed, and didn't say anything. I guess it was clear that there were some bad vibes between us.
Suddenly, anger and impatience flickered up in me. "I don't want to," I said scornfully, earning a shocked expression from Cee Cee, who had no idea what was going on between us. Jesse didn't either, apparently, because he didn't appear to pick up the significance of my words, and merely grabbed my hand, pulled me to my feet, and walked me to a shadowy pathway between the courtyard and the garden and cemetery in the back.
"Susannah, what is going on?" he asked as soon as everyone else was out of earshot. I didn't say anything, just sighed and looked away from his unrelenting eyes. "You are clearly upset with me, and I don't know why. Please, Susannah, tell me why you're mad at me."
This time, I looked him straight in the eye, and was surprised to see a level of pain, hurt, and confusion. Still, though, I pressed on, and repeated, "I don't want to." I held my gaze, as he got even more baffled.
"Susannah, is this about Friday night? And… us?" he said vaguely, but we both knew exactly what he was talking about.
I didn't respond.
Jesse sighed again, and ran a hand through his hair. "Jack called me yesterday," he said, with a forced nonchalance. "He said he was at Carmel Deli on Saturday, and saw you there. With a guy." I sighed.
"I just went out with a friend. God, stop being so possessive," I said, immediately implicating myself with the clichéd argument of an adulteress.
Jesse's face darkened slightly, and his next words were said with a grim resolution, as if it was hard for him to be saying them. "Susannah, listen to me. If you absolutely refuse to tell me why you're upset with me, fine. But if you are… seeing someone else, let me know. I don't want to be the last to know that my girlfriend is carrying on with another man."
"Jesse, I didn't do anything," I insisted. This was true. I didn't do anything.
It was all him.
"Ah, there you are. Ms. Webb said you had come over here… please, come to my office. I have something to discuss with the two of you," he said, with a cheerful naïveté.
Jesse and I followed him in silence. In the office, we sat down, but not next to each other, like we usually did. If Father Dom noticed, he didn't say anything.
"I was visited by a ghost last night. She's a middle-aged woman, in her 30s or so. I asked her to stop by around now so we can work together." I nodded, only half paying attention.
Jesse was sitting completely still, with a neutral look on his face. Any evidence of hurt or jealousy he had before was gone.
A few moments later, there was a shimmer and, surprisingly, the waitress who served Paul and I at the restaurant appeared. I shrunk down in my seat.
"You look familiar," she said, scrutinizing me.
"I was at the deli yesterday," I said. "You served me." She wrinkled her nose in concentration, then remembered.
"Oh yea! You were with the boy, right? Is he your boyfriend? He's kind of cute," she teased. I paled, and Jesse fumed.
"He's not my boyfriend," I said firmly. She looked confused—she had probably seen him try to eat my neck—but didn't press it.
"Grace, correct?" Father Dominic said, interrupting our exchange.
"Yes, Father."
"Can you tell us… what happened?" Jesse asked calmly.
"I'm not entirely sure. But yesterday afternoon, I was walking to the bus stop… I heard a car. That's all I remember."
"Do you know why you're still here?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "Me and my husband, well, we have been a bit down on our luck. He got laid off a few months ago—damn economy—and we've been having trouble making ends meet. But Saturday, I went out on a whim and bought a lottery ticket, and, well, won. He was in San Francisco, though, visiting his parents, and I didn't get a chance to tell him before I died. He doesn't know, and I had hid the ticket for safekeeping." She looked sideways at me. "I always lose things unless I put them in strange places."
"Where is it?" I asked. "We can try to contact him and let him know where it is."
"I put it in the freezer, in a waffle box. He hates waffles, and he'd never find it."
"How much did you win?" I asked. What? I was curious.
"Susannah!" Father Dom scolded. She didn't seem to mind, though.
"Hundred grand," she said proudly. "Should only come out to be $50,000 or so with taxes and everything, but that should be able to hold him over until he gets another job… without my income, as small as it is, he really wouldn't be able to manage."
"We'll let him know soon, Grace," Jesse said warmly. She thanked us, and left.
Father Dominic checked his clock. "Oh, my! It's already halfway through first period… here, let me write you two passes." Jesse and I waited in silence while Father Dominic scribbled on the sea green slips of paper. "Here you go, children. I'll get back in touch with you when I get Grace's husband's contact information." Jesse and I left the office together, but still in silence. Normally, after our morning meetings, we get a few minutes of conversation (or kissing) in between Father Dom's office and our classrooms.
He was obviously still upset with me, because when we reached my class room he didn't say goodbye, not even glance in my direction.
I guess I couldn't blame him, but it still hurt.
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During lunch, I went over to our usual table. Adam was talking to Rachel about something, and Jesse wasn't present. Cee Cee eyed me when I sat down.
"Jesse said he wasn't eating with us today, that he's 'busy.'" I looked down at my pasta salad. "What's going on between you two?" I sighed, and looked around.
"Can we go somewhere else?" She nodded, went over to tell Adam that we were taking a walk, kissed him on the cheek and followed me out to the cemetery.
"This is sort of a weird place to come to talk, Suze," she said, sitting down on one of the benches. I shrugged.
"Cemeteries are relaxing," I said vaguely, pulling and pushing my fork through the pasta.
"Whatever. Now, tell me, what is going on." I sighed again.
"I don't think Jesse likes me," I said quickly, but Cee Cee caught it.
"What the hell gives you that idea?" she asked incredulously.
"Friday night… after dinner, we went back to his place. And we started kissing… and I started unbuttoning his shirt… and all of a sudden, he just stops, stands up, and walks away, going, 'No, Suze, I won't want to do this anymore, because I don't find you the lease bit attractive,'" I said. She raised his eyebrows.
"What did he really say?"
" 'I don't want to.' That's it. But that's what he was really saying… that he isn't attracted to me at all. So I left. And haven't really talked to him since." Cee Cee shook her head.
"Suze, stop being stupid. Jesse is crazy about you. And he thinks you're hot." I rolled my eyes disbelievingly. "Did anything else happen?" I bit my lip, unsure of whether or not to tell her about Paul.
"I went out on Saturday with a guy… a friend," I said. "Someone Jesse knows saw us, and told him, and now he thinks I'm, like, sleeping around and accused me of cheating and stuff."
"Suze, what did you expect him to think? He doesn't have sex with you, like you were trying, then you leave in a fit and show up the next day with another guy!" When she said it that way, it sounded much worse.
"But Cee, he wasn't 'not ready.' He never said any feasible and completely, 100 acceptable excuse. God, Cee, if he had said that he didn't feel ready, I would never, ever be upset with him. It's that he just stood up, completely unaffected by me, and told me that he wasn't interesting in doing that with me. I felt like such an idiot. Like a whore. Like one of those pathetic girls who actually think they have a chance with their movie star crush. He just made me feel so unwanted… and so low for wanting someone who clearly didn't want me." To my embarrassment, I suddenly realized I was crying. I took my napkin and wiped my eyes.
"Suze… I don't know what that boy was thinking, but trust me. You're wrong. I know he totally crazy about you and your body." I rolled my wet, dripping eyes again, and sniffed.
"Whatever. Lunch is almost over. I need to fix my face." I abruptly stood up, and left Cee Cee alone in the cemetery.
In the bathroom, I dried my eyes and fixed my makeup. By the time I heard the rush of students going back to class, I looked presentable again.
As I walked to class, I felt a buzz in my bag. Someone was calling or texting my phone. Before class officially started, I pulled it out discretely and checked it. "Suze-I got some interesting info about shifting. I'll pick you up after school." No question it was from Paul (how had he gotten my number?).
I was worried about seeing Paul again, but the shifter information intrigued me. Though sometimes the lessons had been boring, some of the potential powers I could have fascinated me.
After a hesitation, I quickly sent him a message: "Ok."
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This chapter was going to be longer, but I decided to split it up.
Please review, and I should probably get another chapter up tomorrow or so. Hopefully.
