PART VII: A CONVERSATION BY INSTANT MASSAGE
LOCATION: IPC World Headquarters, still in Japan.
"Quicker! Harder! And then even quicker! Oh man, you do that like a pro!" Enzan squealed pleasurably as his back received a thoroughly gratifying work-over from his beautiful secretary. As usual, Enzan lay face-down on the table wearing nothing but a bath towel, and she wore her massage therapist's ensemble: a devilishly cute French maid outfit.
Unfortunately, this moment of pure, unadulterated nirvana did not last long. Out of the corner of his ear, Enzan heard the persistent ringing of his cell phone, on which he had downloaded a custom ringtone: "Answer Must Be Somewhere." He took a moment to hum along and nod his head to the rhythm, as he always did, then picked up after eight seconds.
"You've reached Enzan Injuin," he answered in monotone, then lowering his head in disappointment as he heard Netto's voice on the other line.
"Hello? Enzan, are you there? It's me, Netto Hikari!"
Enzan sighed and attempted to at least temporarily silence his annoying comrade by replying, "I'm not available to answer the phone right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep, and I'll get back to you soon…WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. Beep!"
"Enzan, once again, it's me, Netto Hikari!" Netto replied, again revealing his gullibility for distraction. "How are you doing? Good? Good for me, too. My mom just made me this excellent spicy curry, and I ate so much I could literally feel fire coming out of my mouth! And then I had such a stomachache that I went to the bathroom and took the biggest…"
"AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS, WHY?" shouted an annoyed voice over the intercom that Enzan could have sworn belonged to Laika. Deciding that this was an important enough matter to justify a personal conversation, he perked up and replied, "Laika? Laika, is that you?"
"ENZAN! Thank goodness!"
"Laika, what happened? You sound awfully out of character…and when did your voice get so high? It's as if you're recalling your pre-puberty days or something."
"No, it's still Netto Hikari! And I'm not in my pre-puberty days! I'm still at the start of it all! Speaking of which, is my voice getting deeper? Listen for it: SUPER-CALA-FRAGILISTIC-EXPIALA-DOCIOUS."
Enzan's secretary jumped back as he shouted, rather annoyed: "GET LAIKA ON THE PHONE!"
"Fine, sheesh! That serious Blues.EXE of yours sure is a bad influence on you!" Netto grudgingly handed his cell phone to Laika, who greeted Enzan formally as usual, then said, "We've just survived a battle with Adver Man. I think he left us alive on purpose; then again, I did attempt a cheap shot at his cajones."
"Hold it! You fought Adver Man?" Enzan cried. He then turned back to his secretary and asked with a cute puppy-dog face, "Could you try using BOTH hands?"
"Very well, I am holding the cellular phone with both hands," Laika sighed while rolling his eyes. "Anyway, I've analyzed Adver Man's combat techniques, and it appears he uses defensive-type attacks. Throughout the entire battle, when Kenishiro was Cross Fused with Adver Man, he never attacked us. All he did was render all of our offensive tactics into harmless comic relief."
"Eh…come again?" Enzan asked, raising an eyebrow.
Laika sighed yet again; he was, after all, addressing a person who was technically a seventh-grader by age, and likely had not developed such a long-winded manner of conversation. Dumbing himself down, he continued, "In short, he didn't attack us; he made us look stupid. Come to think of it, that could be classified as worse than attacking…"
"So I see," Enzan replied, nodding. Calling back to his secretary, he cried loud enough for both Netto and Laika to hear over the intercom: "OH YEAH! That feels GOOD! Now wet the back and rub the lower area, just above the butt!"
Netto and Laika looked at each other with their eyebrows raised and synchronized dual sweat-drops of quizzical wonderment adorning their foreheads. Laika licked the back of Netto's cell phone and rubbed the lower part of the number keypad with his sleeve.
"LAIKA!" cried Netto. "What are you doing with my cell phone?"
"Don't blame me," Laika shrugged. "I'm just following Enzan's instructions."
"Oh…well then, just don't get any moisture into it, okay? My dad still has three payments left on it, and none of this stuff is covered under warranty!"
Laika nodded his understanding of Netto's need to protect his cell phone from gratuitous harassment, then continued speaking to Enzan: "I don't understand what that is all about, Enzan, but I've done what I could to follow your instructions. Anyway, it appears that Adver Man is a Navi incapable of attack, and strictly concentrates on defending himself in battle."
"Do you think he could be holding back a secret attack?"
"Considering the intelligence of Kenishiro the operator, it's highly unlikely that the two have enough intelligence between them to even know what a secret attack is."
"I see. Well then, keep me posted." Enzan turned back to his secretary and said in a very satisfied manner, "I am satisfied. Now comes the shower."
Netto and Laika looked at each other. Netto's face was a horrific expression of terrified and morbid fear, and Laika looked as though he knew what had to be done. He threw Netto's cellular phone into a random pitcher of soda generated by one of Netto's neutralized attacks. Netto's phone sizzled and crackled, as if to ask, "WHY did you give me a shower? WHY?" Laika then made a solemn and formal Sharo military salute as Netto burst into tears, his eyes pouring like fountains.
Enzan could have sworn he heard a sizzle and crackle over the phone, and cried, "Laika! Netto! Are you there? Blast it, Adver Man…you must have attacked them when they were off guard! I swear on my life that I'll avenge you! But first, a bath to cleanse this defeat from my filth-ridden hands! SEXY SECRETARY!"
Tears rolled from Enzan's eyes as he walked over to his top-floor penthouse suite's shower, beautiful secretary in tow. As the bathtub filled with smooth filtered water, Enzan Injuin could only think of one thing.
Adver Man would pay. Dearly. For a crime he actually never even committed.
END PART VII
