PART VIII: YOU TOO, METOOLS
Enzan wasn't sure what to make of the whole situation as he made his way to the town square with Yaito in tow. Enzan and Laika apparently seemed dead, as Adver Man was must have caught them off guard during his massage. He knew he wouldn't be able to fend off Adver Man by himself, and so he would have to call…HER.
"You were thinking about calling HER, weren't you?" asked Yaito.
"I haven't seen her since I last went to America when I was eleven," Enzan muttered, looking at the sky for no apparent reason. "We met at McDonald's…I had no money to pay for my McMuffins so she lent me a couple of bucks."
"You didn't have any money? You were still rich back then, weren't you?"
"My dad held all of my money, and he was stingy as hell."
"Oh."
"Anyway, she gave me a big American noogie afterwards and said I owed her…just imagine what the interest would be now…but man, she was HOT! I couldn't believe what she was wearing! I looked down at my pants and realized I had my first…"
"You'd better stop before you give me too much information, Enzan."
The two finally arrived at the town square, where who should happen to greet them but Netto and Laika. Enzan seemed overjoyed to see both of them, but considering the previous circumstances of their conversation, the other two were slightly less content.
"NETTO! LAIKA! YOU'RE ALIVE!" cried Enzan.
"What, did you try to get rid of us last night or something?" Netto asked with a raised eyebrow as Laika backed away.
"I should have done that a long time ago, but no," Enzan replied, closing his eyes. "Laika…what's with that expression? You look as though you've seen a ghost."
"I do not associate myself with anyone who makes me harass cellular phones. You really should see a psychiatrist, or Miyuki, or something," Laika said, cowering by the fountain. "More importantly, I have new information that could lead to Adver Man's defeat."
"But we tried defeating him already!" shouted Netto. "There's no point in trying to defeat someone like that! Don't you remember what happened in the auditorium? We can't possibly defeat someone as equally stupid as I am! We can't risk another room full of candy and toys!"
Laika took a moment to ponder how much this quote did not make sense before continuing, "Slur appeared to me last night, looking rather desperate."
Enzan raised an eyebrow, Yaito made a disgusted expression, and Netto grinned wildly, letting his imagination run wild.
"Oh quiet, all of you!" Laika continued while rolling his eyes, glaring at Netto in particular. "She told me that it was up to us to stop the evil she had created, so she told me Adver Man's weakness. It turns out that he derives his power from the Village of the Mets, deep in the URA Internet. And one more thing…"
Slur suddenly materialized in a blinding white flash and stood side-by-side with Searchman.
"…she's coming with us," Laika continued.
"Well. THIS is certainly a new development," Blues muttered while looking at the ground and shuffling his feet, disappointed that he was no longer the most powerful Navi with the biggest ego on the team.
"I have to see this through myself," Slur said, closing her eyes. "I do not believe that those chosen to defend Earth from evil can withstand this threat alone."
"You just want to kill us later, don't you?" Rockman asked angrily. "And what's this about assisting us? All you can do is tie people up in wires! Just what we need, another magician on the team."
"Perhaps I'll kill you," Slur nodded while grinning at Rockman, "but that will happen much later. All that matters now is getting rid of Adver Man before he sells any more goods for IPC. Everyone, listen carefully."
Slur pointed at a screen that had suddenly materialized and began showing a set of slides. Rockman, Blues, Searchman, and Glyde all crowded around it and lay face-down, as though they were kindergarteners listening to a schoolteacher reading "See Spot Run."
SLIDE 1: ADVER MAN AND KENISHIRO RUNNING AROUND STUPIDLY
"As we all know," Slur began, "Adver Man and his operator are stupid."
SLIDE 2: ROCKMAN AND NETTO HIKARI RUNNING AROUND STUPIDLY
"Just as stupid as them, as you all know by now," Slur continued.
"Hey! We represent that remark!" Rockman and Netto cried in unison.
"Shh, Glyde whispered as he put his index finger in front of his puckered mouth. "This story's starting to get exciting!"
SLIDE 3: ADVER MAN GETTING BEAT UP BY CHIBI SLUR
"But he does have a weakness," Slur continued, nodding. At this point Enzan was looking at his PET with ferocious concentration, Laika was doing the same, Netto was pondering his stupidity, and Yaito wondered why Glyde couldn't do cool slide shows either.
SLIDE 4: ADVER MAN JUST FARTING AROUND WITH SOME METOOLS
Slur brought up a slide of Adver Man having a picnic with five Metools whose helmeted heads looked almost exactly like his. They had tiny little suitcases on either side of their heads and chubby, adorable bodies. Yaito squealed and shouted "I want one!"
Slur rolled her eyes and continued, "Adver Man derives his powers from his Metool friends, who have been seen in the Metool Village. There are five advertiser-type Metools that Adver Man is known to befriend. Their names are Happy, Slappy, Hungry, Grumpy, and Dopey."
SLIDE 5: HAPPY PERFORMING THE CHICKEN DANCE
"Happy the Metool is the most gleeful member of the team. He likes anything having to do with satisfying himself, especially singing or dancing. He also has the ability to deceive others by attacking them off guard, when they think he is dancing. You should all be on your guard against the Happy."
SLIDE 6: SLAPPY FLIRTING WITH CHIBI ROLL
"Slappy is the flirt of the group. He particularly enjoys hanging out at the Metool Village tavern and hitting on female Navis who pass by the area. He is, however, not known to be charming to the ladies and received his nickname because he is most always slapped. He is, therefore, accustomed to violence and has the highest hit points of the five. If you're a girl, chances are he'll try to flirt with you, so be on your guard."
"Then you're in trouble, Slur," Rockman said with a sweatdrop manifesting on his forehead. "You're a girl."
"Damn," Slur twitched nervously. "Anyway…"
SLIDE 7: HUNGRY EATING A HELLUVA LOT
"Hungry is the most strategically troublesome of the five. He has the ability to transfer hit points to any character on his team. He also eats the most, and can even devour most attacks. If combined with any of the others, the situation could get out of hand."
SLIDE 8: GRUMPY STAYING IN BED WITH AN ANIME VEIN ON HIS FOREHEAD
"Grumpy is the most powerful attacker in the group. He is a closet Goth and hates practically everything. He is known to appreciate songs by Evanescence and Limp Bizkit, and still can't believe the band Korn is old and outdated. His attacks range from dangerous to very dangerous, so you must approach him with extreme caution."
SLIDE 9: SLUR MAKING A SEXY POSE WITH A COUPLE OF SAILORS AT THE NAVY DOCKS
Slur blushed madly, wondering how that got in there. Blues, in the meantime, struggled to get rid of a huge nosebleed.
SLIDE 10: DOPEY RUNNING AROUND STUPIDLY
"Dopey is p-potentially the most l-lethal of the team," Slur stammered, still blushing at the somewhat gratuitous picture she took with those sailors. "He has the power to distract others with his stupidity, serving as a diversion while the other four attack the enemy off-guard. Although little more than comic relief, he is still a force to be reckoned with. Other than his lack of intelligence…nothing else worth mentioning, really."
SLIDE 11: CHIBI SLUR WITH GLASSES AND A POINTER STICK, ASKING "ANY QUESTIONS?"
"Now that the show is over, does anyone ask any questions?"
"Yes," Glyde said, raising his hand. "I don't understand…could you repeat everything you just said?"
Slur enveloped Glyde in wires, after which he remained quiet. "WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY IT?" she screamed.
"So how do you propose we defeat the Metool team?" Blues asked, raising his hand nervously while glancing at Glyde's steaming heap on the ground.
"If we fought all five of them at once, we would be at a disadvantage. Therefore, we must somehow split all five of them up in order to get them. Each of us will tackle one Metool."
"Now that we know what we need to do…we really should get going," said Enzan. "I'll see what I can do. By the way, Yaito, have you told everyone at your company that I thought they were stupid? That was an important part of the mission, after all."
Yaito glared at Enzan, pulled down an eyelid, and stuck out her tongue. "I'll take that as a yes," Enzan replied.
And so our heroes set off into the horizon, not knowing what to expect from the great Village of the Metools beyond. Some of their hearts were filled with determination. Others didn't know what they were in for. And Netto just wanted something to eat. Setting off towards the distance, they walked off dramatically into the sunset. And then Netto tripped on a banana peel, setting off a domino effect that toppled everyone over.
"WAY TO RUIN THE DRAMA, NETTO!" everyone cried.
"Mmmmppphhh…sawwy," Netto murmured.
END PART VIII
