PART XIII: THE PERFECT NAVI VS. THE ULTIMATE FLIRT

The first and most tragic Adver Metool taken care of and safely returned to the URA databanks, everyone did as they said…and went home to sleep. Meanwhile, it was just another day at the URA Internet Circus Plaza. In the most festive area of the Network that Never Sleeps, everyone went around their usual business, having fun and just enjoying an old-fashioned good time.

That is, until the Queen of the URA Internet, Serenade.EXE, prepared to wow her latest audience with a set of her new, freshly woven carpets.

"Come one, come all!" she shouted into a microphone. "See the magnificent works of your Queen Serenade-chan! What you are about to see…will amaze and astound you beyond belief! Who knows…you may actually even be INTERESTED in them!"

A gigantic crowd of child Navis clustered before Serenade as she prepared to unveil her first masterpiece.

"Fan Art Carpet Number One!" she cried as she unveiled the first carpet, an intricately woven one depicting a fire-breathing, lavishly dressed elephant carrying a chibi version of Serenade in its left hand. "This is a depiction of my father, Gilgamesh.EXE, training me to become the next Ruler of the URA! I call it: A Father's Wrath! Witness the horror of his might and power!"

"Squeeeee!" cried the children in the audience, as the adults "oohed" and "ahhhed" at the impressively woven carpet.

"Fan Art Carpet Number Two!" Serenade unveiled her next carpet; this time of an eight-armed Slur with four arms on either side of her body, squatting in a meditative position. "Slur the Temptress!"

"Who is SHE?" questioned the adults in wonderment.

"You know, I barely know her," Serenade replied obliviously as she rubbed her chin with her right hand. "We talked a few times about cute boys when we were little before we went our separate ways, but that's about it."

"I'M A CUTE BOY!" cried a young and chubby male child Navi. "What do you think about me, your biggest fan? Date me…please?"

"Er…F-Fan Art Carpet Number Three!" Serenade stammered, blushing madly at the thought of dating someone she just met, much less someone who probably didn't even know what a date was in romantic context. Nevertheless, she continued: "This is my most dramatic work yet! I drew this long ago, when I was only a child! It is a drawing of the ultimate fearful wonder of all the Internet…a flirting virus known as…"

Serenade was about to reveal her most horrifying carpet yet…but that moment, Blues, Roll, and Rockman crashed into Serenade's display of carpets with a deafening thud.

"It's MINE!" cried Rockman.

"You're mistaken!" screamed Roll. "That thing is MINE!"

"All of you…please!" Blues pleaded in an almost helpless tone that was almost completely out of his character. "This is no place to be fighting over an Electronic Free Group Meal Pass at Maha Ichiban's! You all should know better than to…"

At that moment, the three of them realized where they were. With very nervous demeanors, they all looked up at Serenade, who greeted them with a horrified expression, then stared down at a small patch of carpet she held in her right hand which read: "SEAL; DO NOT REMOVE FROM THIS CARPET."

"You're Serenade.EXE!" cried Roll, stating what was pretty much the obvious. "What are you doing peddling carpets here?"

After thinking to herself, "…and what are you doing ON my carpets?" Serenade replied nervously, "Look, it's a part-time job, okay? Please don't tell anyone."

"What's that seal you're holding in your hand?" Blues asked, pointing at the small patch.

"It was to seal…THAT!" Serenade shouted, pointing at the carpet she was about to reveal, which now shone a brilliant red and produced a screech so hideous that every member of the audience ran away screaming…but not before getting a full refund for their admission fee. "The Flirting Monster!"

"Er…right," Rockman muttered. "Wait a minute…this wouldn't happen to be…a Metool, would it?"

"Exactly!" Serenade replied, cringing and continuing to stare at the glowing carpet, which by now started to change shape and manifest into a chubby Metool. "Slur and I promised to keep it sealed away in that carpet…"

"And here you were using it for profit," Slur murmured as she appeared next to Serenade, arms folded and head shaking in disappointment. "Really, Serenade. I know you need the Zenny…but still, how could you treat the threat of that…THING…so poorly?"

"It's not like I suspected a group of rabid humanoids to crash into it while fighting over…whatever!" Serenade cried. "Now…we all have to face my most horrifying monster! Someone I just sealed away a few minutes ago, from this guy called Adver Man!"

A lightning bolt cracked through the air, casting an aura of heightened drama on the horrified faces of Rockman and the gang.

Serenade continued: "A profane, flirting, heinous, insufferable creature known as…"

The carpet had finally materialized into what had to be the most horribly drawn fanart in existence. A small Adver Metool with a sloppy and squiqqly outlining, oblong eyes, and horribly scattered white spots left in the coloring job leapt forward onto the stage, screaming, "I'M FREED! Where are the ladies? It's time for me to show my BLING!"

"…Slappy the Metool," Serenade forced herself to say through clenched teeth.

"Well, well! No girls? Then what the (blank) am I doing here?" shouted Slappy the Adver Metool. "I'm useless without a girl to hit on…WELL HELLO DARLING! You lookin' (blankin') FINE, girl!"

Slappy advanced at light speed towards Roll, who cringed and cowered against a corner, her long blonde hair standing on end like a trapped kitten.

"Let me show you around the town, girl…I got all sorts of friends down here you'd just be DYING to meet! And then we can get all cozy and comfy-like…I can take you to a nice private chatroom, do a little private messaging…maybe together, we can even PRESS THAT BUTTON ON YO' BUTT!"

"Aaaahhhhh!" screamed Roll as her entire body quivered at the revolting thought of taking a romantic date with a childish drawing. Thankfully, the horror did not last long, for Slur diverted Slappy's attention by tapping him on the back of his helmet.

"Whadda YOU want…Oooohhh…girl?" Slappy shouted as he turned around to face Slur. At that moment, his harsh and authoritative flirting tone became a soft, romantic coax: "Sup girl? Haven't seen you for a long time. Say, care to introduce me to yo' Indian-looking friend? I just DIG the exotic foreign types, woman!"

Slur and Serenade met Slappy's mesmerized gaze with stares of disappointment that hinted a slight "WTF." Serenade held up the one patch that could seal Slappy's ultimate doom: the carpet section that read, "SEAL, blah blah blah."

"NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE ME BACK! I DON'T WANNA GO, GIRL!" cried Slappy as tears began flowing down his eyes. Crying uncontrollably, he forced himself to say, "If you…g-gotta do it…then at least let me fulfill my dream!" Everyone listening began wondering what Slappy's fantasy could be.

Rockman imagined Slappy running through a grassy field with Yaito and Kristen, who were wearing nothing but bath towels.

Blues imagined Slappy riding around on a horse with Roll giggling as she rode behind him, and smiled.

Serenade imagined herself teaching Slappy how to belly dance.

Slur imagined herself in a kimono and grinned.

And Roll imagined herself and Slappy taking turns pushing the button on her butt.

"HEY! I'm discussing my (blankin') fantasy here, yo!" shouted Slappy between his tears, breaking them all out of their reverie. "All I want is…one date with a nice girl! Just to make my dreams complete! If that's true…I'll go back willingly! Just one date…that's all I want…all I've ever wanted!" (SOB!)

"I feel your pain…" Slur moaned as she wiped away a tear.

"I…I almost feel sorry for him!" Serenade cried as she burst into tears. "B-but…it's up to all of us to p-protect the Internet from Adver Man! We have to seal him away!"

"Y-yeah! ALL of us! That includes the four of them!" cried Slur, now openly bawling. "S-so…Ciel! Roll! FOR THE SAKE OF OUR SANITY! EITHER ONE OF YOU DATE HIM!"

The sound of feet burning against the floor and creating a dazzling flash of flame pierced the ears of Slur and Serenade. They looked around, and their sympathetic sobbing faces became horrified expressions. Rockman, Blues, and Ciel had completely disappeared; all that was left were three flaming sets of tracks and the sight of all three of them running off into the distant horizon at the speed of sound, screaming their heads off. Clearly, Slappy had a knack for unpopularity.

"Alone…" Slur murmured, her face turning blue. "…all alone…"

"With HIM…" Serenade stammered nervously as she stared back around at Slappy, who was making perverted expressions at her. "…and no wonder you said we were alone…we're accompanied by a nobody…"

Slur began to ran away, but Serenade gripped her by her left fin. "Don't you feel sorry for him, Slur?" she asked as she whipped her around to face Slappy, who, oddly enough, did not approve.

Bursting into tears, he cried, "Why you so cruel, girl? Here I am, saying I want one last date…and you shove this TOMBOY here in front of me? What're we gonna do, huh? Watch a wrestling match? A monster truck show? Man, you don't even have a (blankin') BUTTON ON YO' BUTT! Who're you tryin' to play here?"

"Tom…boy…" Slur glowed an intense green and wires began entangling Slappy's scribbled body.

"Kinky are we?" Slappy said, raising an eyebrow. "Might I remind you girl, there are still kids who may be sticking around to watch this? Leave yo' fantasies to yo'self!"

"He's right," Serenade said, placing her right hand on Slur's left shoulder. "This isn't the time. There are plenty of girls for him to hunt. Rest assured…he'll find one willing to date him, and then come back to us."

"Who says I needed to HUNT, yo?" Slappy shouted gleefully. "I'M LOOKIN' AT YO' FINE BUTT!"

Serenade glanced at her butt, then blushed madly as she realized SHE would be the one to date Slappy the Adver Metool. She started to run away when Slur did a bit of déjà vu, gripping Serenade's golden belt and whipping her around so that she almost kissed Slappy.

"Don't YOU feel sorry for him, Serenade?" she asked with a devilish grin that would make even Duo cower in fear.

"I guess…if it's only for one night…" Serenade uttered while shuddering uncontrollably, "…I can do it."

"(BLANK) YEAH!" cried Slappy. "We gonna have a great time, 'cuz you my little falafel, girl!"

As Slappy dragged her off, Serenade waved a desperate and tearful goodbye to Slur, not sure if she was going to return alive. Slur waved back with a cheerful smile, thinking to herself: "My…little…falafel? My, that's a good one!"

BACKGROUND SONG: YOU ARE (By Lionel Richie)

ALBUM: Lionel Richie

COPYRIGHTED: 1982

Baby you'll find…there's only one love, yours and mine. I've got so much love…and needing you so, my love for you I'll never let go.

Rockman's earlier vision came to life. Serenade chased Slappy through a grassy field, wearing nothing but a bath towel and letting her long blonde hair caress her deeply tanned skin. All the while laughing and giggling, wondering, "Is anyone watching me?"

All I want is to hold you. Let me show you how much I love you baby…show you. I don't mind and I don't mind…loving you. Girl, I love you. There's no one else above you.

Blues' vision came to life. Serenade rode a thoroughbred pony through a quaint village as Slappy mastered the reins, riding in tandem.

"I can tell you've done this before, girl," Slappy said dreamily as he turned to Serenade, who met his gaze just as dreamily and replied: "Of course. I used to do it all the time. I just never felt so stupid doing it…"

You are the sun, you are the rain, that makes my life this foolish game. You need to know I love you so, and I'd do it all again and again. Whoa-oh, whoa-oh…whooaaahh yeah.

Some random fantasy vision by some crazy member of Serenade's audience came to life. Slappy shot his dual pistols into the air at nothing in particular, as Serenade fed him grapes.

"More fruit, my rebellious darling?" Serenade coaxed him on.

"Yee-hawhawhaw, my sweet little Spanish Fly," Slappy replied with an almost satisfied look on his face. Serenade crammed the rest of them into his mouth, somewhat perturbed that she was mistaken to be Spanish. Suddenly, deleted Internet birds began to rain from the sky as Serenade and Slappy ran for cover, giggling.

"Turns out I WAS (blanking) aiming for somethin', girl!" Slappy shouted at Serenade, and the two of them broke into uncontrollable laughter.

Tell me it's true. I can't believe you do what you do. I've got so much love. And my love, you'll see…we'll stay together, just you and me. I've got so much love.

Serenade's own vision came to life…there she was, dressed in a very alluring and skimpy belly-dancing dress as Slappy accompanied her…while wearing the same dress, providing for an infinitely disturbing Kodak moment.

"Man, girl! I feel…such a draft! Almost like I'm floatin' on air!" Slappy cried as he attempted to whip his non-existent belly around.

"Now you know why I practice this all the time," Serenade coaxed, giggling and deciding not to remind Slappy that he didn't have an actual belly. "You know…this is infinitely more rewarding when I'm practicing…with you."

Only you know me. Tell me how to love you, baby…show me. I don't mind and I don't mind…tell me. Girl, I love you…always thinking of you.

Slur's vision came to life. The funny thing, she thought, was that she was actually IN it. Serenade and Slappy adjusted the last of their measurements on a beautiful, flowing kimono, and Slur took it into the dressing room. Soon thereafter, she came out fully decked in her new festive dress, and Serenade and Slappy gave her approving nods of gratification.

"You know, it looks infinitely better when you're the one who wove it, my little enchilada," Slappy said gently to Serenade as he met her gaze with intense romantic desire.

"It looks infinitely better," Serenade whispered in a mesmerizing tone, "when you're the one who designed it."

Slur looked angrily down at her beautifully woven kimono…with horribly scribbled, childish drawings of stupid-looking flowers and Navis whose bodies were completely out of proportion. Sticking her tongue out at Serenade and Slappy, she was met with their satisfied smiles…and two very approving thumbs-up.

I know you know the way I feel, and I need your love for always. 'Cause when I'm with you I fall in love again and again and again, baby.

Finally, Roll's vision came to life…and much to her displeasure, she too had found a place in it.

Roll lay face-down on a silver plate lined with vegetables, her body slathered in gravy and an apple in her mouth while Serenade and Slappy took turns jumping on the Button on Her Butt.

"Get down here so I can hug ya, girl…HAHAHA!" shouted Slappy between gleeful giggles.

"You'll have to outjump me first!" Serenade giggled. "Teeheehee…oh, the fun we have!"

"Tra-la-la-la (blanking) la…" Slappy laughed gleefully.

You are the sun, you are the rain, that makes my life this foolish game. You need to know I love you so, and I'd do…VVVRRRRRWWWIP!

"WHAT…WHAT THE (blank) AM I DOING?" cried Serenade as she gripped her helmet and ran desperately to Slur, who was standing around the corner in her stupidly designed kimono. "Slur…HELP ME!"

"You're the one who got us into this mess!" cried Slur. "Look at this kimono! You think I like wearing this any more than you do?"

"Uh…I can hear you guys…" Slappy muttered as he stood right behind Serenade.

"Ooopsss…" Serenade moaned slowly, realizing that perhaps she was in for a whooping after all, as was the traditional ending to a bad date.

"Really…Serenade…thanks for everything, girl."

"What?" Serenade blushed madly.

"I enjoyed every second I spent with you…but I know that this is no place for someone like me…my place, I know, is in that carpet."

Serenade became solemn as Slur prepared to purify Slappy's data.

"Awww…" Serenade continued to blush.

"Thank you, Serenade," whispered Slappy as golden ropes wrapped around his body. "I will never forget this night. Just do…one last thing for me before I…disappear."

"And…what is that…my darling?"

"Please…KISS ME, MY FALAFEL!"

Serenade fell over anime-style, then got right back up and held Slappy before her face, preparing to kiss him.

30 MINUTES LATER…

"FOR GOODNESS SAKES! GET ON WITH IT!" screamed Slur. "You've been staring at each other for the last mungogagillion minutes! Kiss him already so I can purify his data! Sheesh!"

"Oh, Serenade, my fine little Indian burrito," Slappy said gleefully, "you're so shy…I like a shy foreign chick! In that case…I'LL have to kiss YOU!"

"What are you talking ab…MPPHHHRRRGGG!" Serenade muffled as Slappy pushed himself against her face.

"Thank you…and goodnight!" Slappy shouted gleefully as his body disappeared, rearranging itself back into the carpet. The sealing patch mysteriously appeared and wove itself into the carpet at the bottom right corner, where it would remain forever.

At last…Slappy the Adver Metool was satisfied.

THE NEXT DAY…

"Come one! Come all!" shouted Slur into a microphone, as she stood with a new, freshly woven carpet before an impressionable audience. "See my new best work!"

Unveiling Slappy's carpet, she shouted, "My beloved Fan Art Carpet! I call it…A Match Made in Internet!"

Serenade pushed through the audience to get a closer look, but twisted her face in disgust when she saw that Slur had drawn her in, which would have been fine except that she was now as distorted, poorly drawn, and scribbled as Slappy the Metool.

"Look! It's the girl in the carpet!" cried a child Navi.

"Wow…it's so true to reality!" shouted another. "So…well drawn!"

"Well? What do you think?" asked Slur with a grin adorning her face, after which Serenade relentlessly pummeled her. "What…what did you do THAT for?"

"THAT…" Serenade forced through clenched teeth, "…DOES NOT LOOK A THING LIKE ME."

And then, for the first time in her life, Slur laughed.

END PART XIII