I rose to my feet. Old training taking over, I guess. Seventh Rule of Slaying - It's better to meet anything while standing. If it's bad, at least you're in the position to run for it.
"You remember me?" Placing the book on the desk, Rupert absently removed his glasses and began cleaning the right lense on his ever-present hanky.
"It's the eyes." I said nervously. "They're the last thing I saw before...well, before."
"Right." He moved on to the left lense.
"I must admit, though, I had completely forgotten your real name. You were always just Daniel to me." Now I was crossing and uncrossing my arms in a futile attempt to look casual. Right. Just casually talking to the love of my life, who had moved on with his for almost thirty years while he thought I was dead and I was taking a vamp power nap. No foreseeable tension here.
"Yes, well then." Rupert replaced his glasses, picked the book back up, and began fidgeting with the worn pages. "It was a childish attempt to leave my destiny behind. The first of many, I'm afraid."
"Yeah. Well. Glad we had this talk. Now, do you want me to take the couch or..."
The Watcher slammed the book back onto the table. I jumped a mile.
"Ok, you want the couch. No need to get testy." Please, heavens above, let me change the topic.
Rupert closed the distance between us in two long strides. Grabbing my upper arms, he cut off my chances of easy escape. I could have crushed his skull with my bare hands. However, given my trembling and my massive emotional upheaval, he currently had the upper hand.
"Why?" He rasped. Desperate. Terrified. Angry. Hurt. Torn. All these things flitted across his eyes. All these things were mirrored in mine.
Leave it to him to ask the one question I'd been avoiding since I awakened. Oh God. Why? I could have borne anything else. Torture, death, pain, a terrible battle, a desperate stand - all these were what I was prepared for. They came with the job. This mind-numbing grief, the rippingtwistingrending of my soul, the desperate, sour longing - how was I supposed to cope? I loved him. Yet, because of this love, I had to walk away from what I'd die for. Because it'd be easy to die for Rupert Giles, simple to make grand gestures and last stands. No, the hardest thing I was going to have to do was live for him, live for what was best for the man I loved. And I wasn't it. Being with me was something that would eventually destroy him. No matter how good my soul was, a demon lurked inside.
"Because, Rupert. Because I am...I was...the Slayer. Slayers don't get happy endings." I turned away, tears stinging my eyes. What do you know? Vampires can cry.
He began again, looking lost. "Tessa."
I rounded on him, fists clenched, teeth gritted. "What? What more could you possibly want? I'm a vampire. You're a human. You've been living for twenty-seven years while I've been in the ground. You have a life here, Rupert! A family. People who love you. I have to save the world. Period. We're just people who knew each other a long time ago." Now the tears were pouring down my face. I couldn't stop them. Part of me didn't want to.
Giles stepped towards me. He made as if to wrap his arms around me, something that Daniel wouldn't have hesitated to do all those years ago; but he stopped himself short. He settled for a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Believe me, I fully understand where we are now. What I need to understand is why you gave up. Why you stopped fighting. We might have gotten out of there! We could...we could have won."
Mutely shaking my head, I continued staring at the floor. He still didn't get it, and I desperately wanted him to save me from saying it.
My silence seemed to break more of his stodgy British restraint. The uncensored words exploded off his lips.
"You were the Slayer for heaven's sake! Why didn't you just destroy him?"
I raised my head, cutting him off. "I tried to kill Laalym. I wanted to save your life. I had killed everyone else." Moving away, I allowed myself to miss the weight of his hand.
"You didn't kill them!"
"You said it yourself! I was the Slayer! They were my responsibility. I failed."
"Please, Tessa. Talk to me. I know you. Please, let me help you again." An endless pause stretched onward. Rupert was struggling within himself, his conflict demonstrated in his eyes. Finally, he stepped towards me.
"I loved you."
Silence followed. His words hung in the air, choking.
"Please." His voice begged, his eyes tortured me. I was mute.
He sighed. Running a hand through his hair, he stepped back. "Well then. I can't very well force you to feel as I do. And I won't force you to speak with me."
If only I could have told him. If only I could have spoken those words we both were yearning to hear. My moment came and I missed it. I let it go. Silence stretched on.
He came close to me once again. He removed his glasses and looked into my eyes. For a moment nothing had changed. He was my Daniel. We were in love. For a breath of eternity I believed that love really did conquer all, that I would return from my battle to a man who could fall in love with me again. For that second, my heart beat again.
Then, like sand, the moment slipped into the past. And I was thrust painfully back into my present reality.
"Goodnight, Tessa." Rupert's whisper of a smile was the only indication anything had passed between us. He made his way up the stairs. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with a sense of profound loss.
Goodnight, my love.
Disclaimer: I own not a thing. Rupert Giles belongs to Joss - though many would argue that something that spectacular should belong to everyone. Anywho, Tessa's leash is held by a fat poka-dotted plot bunny called Hubert. Hubert enjoys Martinis, socks, peanut butter M&Ms, and long walks by the beach. My primary function is yet to be determined.
A/N: First, passing out big wet smoochies to all who have reviewed. Love 'em, keep 'em coming, tell your friends. Secondly, gold star to J. for beta reading the newest installment. And finally - you all know the drill - Snoopy dances and cookies to all who review. :-)
