Disclaimer: Buffy characters are the property of Mr. Whedon. Harry Potter characters are the property of Ms. Rowling. The story itself is my own ideas; I'm just borrowing a few characters that don't happen to be mine. Don't sue; I'm already broke enough as it is.

Through the Looking Glass

Chapter 18

Argh Me Hearties!

x x x x x

Xander closed his eyes and rubbed them with the palms of his hands. It had been about a week since Halloween and Xander was not feeling up to par. Ever since McGonagall had told him that Willow was acting as a spy on behalf of the Order... he hadn't been feeling so hot. Xander hadn't taken the news very well.

Well, actually, it looked as if he wasn't too worried about the entire ordeal. Considering that Cordelia had thrown a bitch fit about not informing people properly and Buffy wanted to hunt Willow down and bring her back to safety. After McGonagall had dismissed them from her office, Cordelia and Buffy were very animated and when Cordelia turned around to ask why Xander hadn't spoken up... well... he did what any normal guy would do.

He lied.

"Hey," Xander recalled his words quite vividly. "McGonagall's got this entire thing under control. I'm a little worried, sure, but... listen... Willow can definitely take care of herself if she needs to. Let's try to not worry too much about something that we can't change."

Xander didn't really know if McGonagall had anything under control. He was about forty percent sure that McGonagall was in the right. But then again nobody banks their life on forty percent, because the other sixty percent puts you six feet under, pushing up yellow daisies.

He certainly was more worried than either Buffy or Cordelia could imagine. Inside he kept worrying about Willow. It wasn't that she couldn't take care of herself; but Xander had always been there just in case. That's what Xander called himself. The 'just in case' guy.

Buffy need saving? Nobody else to go save her? Hey, I'm here just in case this sort of thing happens! Willow ending the world? No problem; got a whole bag of 'Big Bad Willow Fixer-Up' just in case.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Xander sighed. Nobody was ever allowed to depress themselves in peace. Ever.

"Yeah?" Xander called as he looked in the mirror and blinked. His eyes were puffy and red from lack of sleep.

"Can I come in?" It was Cordelia.

"One sec." Xander called as he ran to the basin on the other side of the room and moved it in front of the mirror. He splashed some water on his face. The water was hot and in the mirror he saw his entire face redden. "Dammit!"

"Okay," Xander heard Cordelia through the door. "I'll come back later."

"No!" Xander hurried to the door and opened it. "Come on in."

Cordelia looked around and then looked at Xander. "I'm not even going to ask what you were doing and before I sit on that bed you better get a house elf to clean those sheets."

"What?" Xander looked at his bed; then it dawned on him. "Oh, no, I wasn't..."

"I won't hold it against you;" Cordelia waived her hand as she sat in a chair.

"So?"

"I'm worried," Cordelia stated plainly.

"That's all?" Xander hoped Cordelia hadn't got a good look at his eyes.

"Walk with me?" Cordelia stood up and grabbed Xander's arm.

"You walk all the way here, sit down in a chair, and then want to walk... again?" Xander complained, but had no choice, as Cordelia wasn't letting go. Xander shrugged and began to lead Cordelia down to one of his favorite places. "Let's go tickle the pear."

x x x x x

"And that is how you tickle the pear." Xander put his hands on his hips and stood in a super hero pose. Cordelia laughed as she, too, stood in a super hero pose. "You are The Tickler; the Tickling Pear's sidekick."

"Wow," Cordelia tried keeping some laughter in, but failed. After a minute they both started to control themselves. Cordelia shook off the giggles and sobered for a moment. "Thanks Xander... you know... I wish I was strong like you."

"Don't mention it," Xander's smile that had been plastered on his face wavered slightly.

"Well, I'm going to head up to bed;" Cordelia smiled at Xander, "See you at breakfast."

"See ya," Xander called after Cordelia and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He slowly made his way back to his room, all the while thinking about Willow.

x x x x x

"Hey, Harris!"

Xander looked up quickly as he walked into the Great Hall. A piece of toast was flying right towards Xander's head. He caught it in the knick of time and bit off a piece. The Hufflepuffs cheered as the entire hall gawked at them.

Xander took a seat by a depressed looking Buffy.

"What's wrong?" Xander asked as he buttered another piece of toast.

"Well two things, but since I can't do anything about Willow... Remus hasn't talked to me since... Xander?" Buffy paused and looked around. "You can't tell anybody, promise?"

"Promise." Xander stuffed the toast in his mouth.

"Remus is a werewolf," Buffy whispered. "And ever since I saw him he hasn't talked to me."

Xander nodded his head. "So?"

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah."

"Werewolf. Y'know - remember Oz?"

"Yeah. Already knew about it."

"You did?" Buffy gasped as she saw Xander stuff another piece of toast in his mouth.

"Cordelia told me, but don't worry about it." Xander looked at Buffy - she was on the verge of tears. He couldn't take it. "Buff... you need to talk to him. Make him see that you don't care about that. Hell, you dated two vampires before him. You're technically not entirely human anyway. Explain things, y'know?"

"Yeah," Buffy smiled, while Xander breathed a sigh of relief. "You're the greatest Xander."

Xander smiled back at Buffy as she bounded away from the table. As Xander went back to eating, he thought he overheard Flitwick and Hagrid talking about McGonagall floating around shooting Cupid's arrows. Laughing to himself, Xander finished his breakfast in a much better mood.

x x x x x

"Harris!"

Xander whirled around to see Lupin standing at a door beckoning to him.

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk?" Lupin asked hesitantly.

"Course we can. Let's do the boy talk thing." There was a pause as Lupin gave Xander a funny look. "You know how girls have 'girl talk'... forget it."

Lupin shut the door behind Xander and motioned towards the chair. Xander sat down and waited for Lupin to do the same.

"This is about Buffy, isn't it?" Xander sat back and folded his hands together.

"I... well... yes."

"Knew it." Xander muttered. "So, she knows?"

"Yes, she saw me." Lupin placed his head in his hands.

Xander stood up, "Look here, sexpot. Go up to Buffy and just talk to her. You'll both feel a lot better."

"Talk to her?" Lupin looked through his hands. "That's all?"

"Yep, that's really all girls want to do. Get use to it," Xander patted Lupin on the shoulder. "I'll see ya."

x x x x x

Xander had been Xander-napped. Not that he cared.

About fifteen Hufflepuffs had taken Xander to one of the herbology gardens. They had said that Friday evenings were Hufflepuff Story Time. In recent years, the attendance to these meetings had declined rapidly, Xander learned, but they all had faith in him that he would make it well known again. The group of Hufflepuffs were mostly fifth years and up... which Xander thought rather odd... considering when he was their age, he wouldn't have been caught dead in something like this. However, Xander was told by a 6th year prefect (Angelica Bjorneski - Xander snorted every time he heard her name) that Helga Hufflepuff was who first started the meetings. He figured that it must be a special sort of storytelling... so it couldn't be that bad.

"You're first, Harris!" One of the students called out. All the students agreed.

"What kind of story?" Xander gulped slightly. He wasn't nervous, he just didn't know if he would do it right. Not that telling stories was hard. He had a lot of adventures to recall and tell... though, he figured those adventures might be a bit too scary.

"Whatever comes from inside," one of the younger students said, as she looked up at Xander with these huge blue eyes. Xander smiled at her and nodded his head.

"Alright," Xander tapped his fingers together. "Any of you been to Egypt?"

The Hufflepuffs all looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Well... I'll tell you about it. I went there over the summer."

"Oooooh!"

"Yeah," Xander nodded. "No matter where you went... the sand would follow. Sand, sand, everywhere... sand." Xander paused for added effect, which seemed to be working, as all the students were staring at him intently. "In Egypt, there are mummies. I had to find one mummy, named Anmophet, because he was one of the few cursed mummies still living. Well, as living as one can be who isn't living. Nevermind. Anyway... now Anmophet looked like he had fought a roll of toilet paper and lost. I think that that was what made him so moody too."

Xander heard a few snickers throughout the small crowd.

"I don't know if you guys know about this... but mummies are a lot like pirates. Mummies stash all their gold and jewels, but keep a treasure map so that in case they forget where they hid their stash. Though mummies hate pirates, considering that a lot of times pirates steal everything that a mummy has. Pissing said mummy really off. That's why a lot of mummies are trying out a new tactic and hiding their gold throughout many tombs, just to confuse the hell out'a the pirates."

"Is that why there is a lot of curses in Egypt?"

Xander looked blankly down at the group, then smiled, "Sure is! Mummies don't like it when their stuff gets stolen, because then they go slap crazy and insane and try to turn you into scarab dung."

"Did that happen to you?"

"Oh, yeah, that Anmophet mummy was one of those mummies who had been stolen from. He moped around a lot, crying about losing 'his precious metals,' then he'd go insane and try to have me toilet-papered like him..."

Xander paused as a bit of dust flew into his eye. He blinked and rubbed it out of his eye. He noticed that it was a piece of sand.

"Sorry about..." Xander noticed that the Hufflepuffs were not looking at him at all now. He squinted as part of the eye that the sand had flown into was beginning to go dark. Xander blinked some more, but when he opened his eyes he could only see out of one eye. Xander reached up to his eye and realized that he had a patch over his eye. Again.

Xander quickly turned around to see that Hogwarts had been changed into a large sandcastle. Xander's jaw dropped. He looked around to see Hagrid losing a fight to a toilet and becoming a mummy.

"BEHOLD!"

Xander looked up as a bright light came from above the new Hogwarts pyramid. A woman with a booming voice was flying around in a green cape and green suit. Xander saw that there was a large black 'T' on the front of the suit.

"I AM... THE TICKLER!"

Xander realized it was Cordelia.

"What the fu-"

Before Xander could finish the sentence, Cordelia landed in front of him. She held out her hands and wiggled her fingers.

"PREPARE TO BE... TICKLED!"

All the students looked from Xander to Cordelia and began to laugh.

"Argh!" Xander brandished his sword, then realizing that five seconds ago he didn't have a sword looked down. Sure enough, he had a sword in his hand, a peg leg, an eye patch... he reached up and felt a hat... and the squawking in his ear was obviously a parrot. "Argh...?"

Cordelia lunged at Xander, who quickly fell over from not being use to the entire wooden-leg ordeal. Cordelia laughed and poked Xander in the side as he was struggling to get up.

"Ye best be's careful, lass! I'll cut ye from navel to neck!"

"No one can harm... THE TICKLER!" Cordelia laughed and flew back up into the sky. She flew back down and began to tickle the students, who were all laughing hysterically.

"Xander? Friend with big sword... I am looking for the Wolf Man that I have a total crush on."

Pirate Xander whirled around to see Buffy in a frilly pink dress. She cocked her head to one side.

"Er... argh?" Xander looked at his parrot. "What say you, matey?"

"REAMP! CRACKER WANT A POLLY!"

Buffy walked forward and leaned in to take a good look at the parrot. "Hello Parrot. Have you seen my crushed-on Wolf Man?"

Xander saw a shadow flying overhead. He looked up; ready to defend himself from The Tickler, but saw that it was McGonagall. She had sprouted wings and had a bow and plenty of heart-shaped arrows.

"Hello, darlings!" she called down to the group of Hufflepuffs. She aimed at one of the eldest boys and let a heart arrow hit him in the arm. He turned to the girl next to him and began to kiss her passionately. The girl was thrown off-guard and tried to pull away but when another arrow hit her in the backside, she eagerly began to kiss back. "Just spreading the love, dearies!"

And with that, McGonagall floated towards Hagrid who was covered in toilet paper. Xander heard Hagrid shriek as McGonagall tried to take aim at him.

"Buffy... listen ter me, matey..." Xander wished that he didn't have to talk in the pirate accent. Hell, he wished he knew what the HELL was going on. "What's wrong wif ye?"

"I'm sorry, I do not understand your question. Please ask again later after I have been recharged. So, Xander, friend with sword and parrot, where is the sexy Wolf Man?" Xander realized that Buffy was not Buffy after all.

The Buffy-Bot? Xander wished that he would wake up, because this was one crazy ass dream.

"Here I am, doll." Xander looked up to see Lupin leaning against a tree. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "How about you and me take a walk and get to know each other... better."

The Buffy-Bot smiled and bounded towards what Xander could only describe as Lupin trying out the metrosexual look.

"REAMP! CRACKER WANT A PIECE OF THAT POLLY!"

Xander looked at the bird on his shoulder and shook his head. "Ye blast'd bird..."

"Double, double... I'm in trouble." Lupin called as the Buffy-Bot linked arms with him. "Let's go babe."

"Sexy Wolf Man... will you have animalistic sex with me?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way..."

Xander shakes his head, hoping to get the image that just flashed into his head out.

"REAMP!" The parrot that was on his shoulder began to flap its wings. It then flew after Lupin and the Buffy-Bot. "CRACKER WANTS TO WATCH! REAMP!"

"Xander!"

Xander whirled around, his sword in his hand.

"It's me, Ron!" Xander noticed the red-haired man and lowered his sword.

"I could'a cut ye, mate. Ye can't scare a pie-rat like tha'..." Xander sheathed his sword.

"You're doing all of this, mate," Ron took off Xander's hat. "I noticed something wasn't right when McGonagall tried to make me her love slave." Xander thought he saw Ron shudder slightly.

"I am?" Xander looked around. Snape was running around with a flashing green neon sign that read, 'I love SOS '. The sea creature in the lake was doing the Macarena with the mermaids. And all the owls were singing, "I Wanna Be Like You" from Disney's The Jungle Book.

"You just have to control it and it'll go away." Ron placed a hand on Xander's shoulder.

Xander could tell that things were going back to normal, as Hogwarts was no longer made of sand. Every thing around him was beginning to go back to the way it was.

There was a long moment of complete quiet on the grounds as every creature and wizard realized that the spell was gone. A few Hufflepuffs looked at Xander and began to clap.

"BLOODY BRILLIANT!"

"COOL!"

"MY MUM'LL BE JEALOUS! She never had anything like this during Story Time."

Xander grinned sheepishly. He looked at Ron. "Why weren't you affected?"

"I was outside of Hogwarts grounds and I came back to get Hermione. Who by the way was hopping around like a rabbit. She told me that she could tell who was making everything like this."

"Oh," Xander gulped. "Sorry."

"No, it was cool seeing Hermione jump around like a rabbit. Besides, there will be times when I'm laying in bed at night and see Snape with that sign over his head, and just laugh myself to sleep." Ron patted Xander on the shoulder. "Besides, I think Hufflepuffs really enjoyed what you had to offer, mate."

x x x x x

"Well, I hope that we won't have another one of these... incidents... here at Hogwarts again." McGonagall was standing straighter than usual, obviously embarrassed that she had been made a flying, female Cupid.

"No, McGonagall," Xander said with a sigh.

"Your feelings about Willow being gone created such magical power within you; that it finally just burst." She said as she handed Xander a plate of cookies. "Have a biscuit, Harris."

"Er, thanks." Xander took one.

"You need not worry about Willow. We have taken numerous cautions on her behalf." McGonagall sat down and took a cookie herself. "And, since you obviously have some sort of power, I think that a trip to Diagon Alley is in store for you, Mr. Harris."

"Weely?" Xander chewed up the cookie in his mouth and tried it again, "Really?"

"You need a wand so that you can contain that power of yours. I will pay for it myself; so that I won't have to chance to become... well..." She paused and took a bite of her cookie. "Nymphadora has asked to take you to Diagon Alley."

"Cool..." It didn't really register in Xander's brain until Tonks walked into the room.

"XANDER! You look great! Wow - you're eyes! You have two of them." Tonks gave Xander a huge hug. "Good thing I wasn't here to see some of the things I'm hearing in the halls. I would never stop laughing."

"Yeah..." Xander smiled. "So, when are we going?"

"Now, if you'd like!" Tonks exclaimed.

"Tonks has also offered to celebrate your American Thanksgiving at her house in Godric's Hollow. You can stay with her until then, if you'd like, and practice your magic." McGonagall said.

"What about Buffy and Cordy?" Xander asked.

"When Thanksgiving is close, they'll be sent over." McGonagall smiled.

Xander felt a lot better about the entire ordeal. Though he had no idea how he'd be able to face Cordelia and Buffy before he left. He figured he'd just write them after getting his wand to apologize. Besides, they'd probably both flog him to death if they saw him now.

x chapter's end x

After Thoughts: The most fun chapter... EVER to write! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Isn't Xan the man? Even though he's more depressed than anybody; he helps out others to make them feel better. How I love him. He's always been such a strong character.

Readeth and revieweth!

And if ANYBODY watches ABC's Lost... ((SOB)) ... they killed off the love of my life! I rarely cry when I watch TV shows, but damn.

Look forward to Ch. 19 entitled:

Who Reads in the Library?

Cordelia gets a surprise. Buffy thinks things over.