Disclaimer: All Law And Order: Special Victims Unit characters and namesakes are the property of Dick Wolf / NBC.

Author's Note / Warning: This story contains an original character that plays the love interest of Casey Novak. The story deals with the relationship between Casey and my original character, and it is told from both of their perspectives. I had a very specific storyline in mind that I felt could not be realized by pairing Casey with an existing SVU character, thus the creation of Det. Seth Bauer. This is not intended to be a Mary Sue story, and I can only hope that from the writing and characterization, this proves to be true.

A/N/W: From Chapter 7 on, the themes become slightly more adult in regards to violence and sexual content. Nothing explicit enough to warrant an M rating, but just a heads up to readers all the same.

Chapter 10: Pain and Guilt
December 13th, 7:06 PM

Casey shifted her position in her hospital bed, noticeably angered. "This is stupid," she said to Olivia. Liv had arrived fifteen minutes before and sat in a white plastic chair facing Casey's bed. "I told them, I'm FINE. I really don't need to stay here overnight."

Olivia gave Casey a patient look. "They're just holding you for observation. The doctor said you asphyxiated and they want to make sure you're okay before sending you home."

The strangulation marks around Casey's neck were quite visible, as was the nasty gash splitting her bottom lip, which had swollen to almost twice its normal size. It hurt like hell to talk, but Casey was too riled up to care. She'd been attacked on the job before, but this time she had seen it coming and she was quite incensed by the whole ordeal. Her injuries were minor compared to the other time she had been attacked, and she was mad at herself for not taking Seth's concern more seriously. I could have avoided this whole damn thing, she thought to herself. Why did you let me just walk away, Seth? You knew this was going to happen and you should've tried harder to stop me.

Casey's brow furrowed and she made a pouting expression with her bruised mouth. She didn't actually blame Seth for what had happened to her. She blamed herself. In spite of her tough exterior, Casey was very shaken by the experience, and she wanted more than anything for Seth to console her about had happened. She wanted him to hold her in his strong arms and rub her back, and tell her it was okay that she had messed everything up.

"The doctor said everything looks okay...I can walk and talk and I'm breathing fine," Casey argued with Olivia. "My head and throat hurt, but I really need to get out of here." She paused, her tone becoming innocent. "Why hasn't Seth come yet? He must've returned to the station house by now."

"I don't know," Liv said, exasperated. Olivia hated seeing Casey so upset and she couldn't stand not being able to comfort her. A sick feeling of déjà vu swept over Olivia, and in her mind she kept reliving the similar experience she'd had with Casey after her first attack. "I can give the house a call again and see what's taking so long. I think Cragen wanted to talk to him first to prepare him."

"Would you do that?" Casey's voice was worried, her expression seeming pitiful and out of sorts. Olivia smiled and got up from her chair, going out into the hallway to call Cragen again on her cell phone.

"Still no sign of Bauer?" she asked Cragen after he had answered the phone.

"Nope. And he still hasn't shown up at the hospital?"

"No, and Casey's starting to ask questions. I don't know what to tell her, Captain. Why are we being so secretive about this?"

"Look, Olivia," Cragen said. "I'm really not at liberty to discuss it. And besides, I don't think Novak needs to be any more upset than she already is right now. I've got Munch out looking for him, and I'll let you know if and when he finds him. In the meantime, keep stalling."

"I don't get it, Captain. Munch said that when the uniformed officers told them that our A.D.A had been attacked, Seth had left the crime scene immediately. That was almost two hours ago and he still hasn't shown up here. Why wouldn't he have come right to the hospital?"

"I don't know, Olivia," Cragen said with a sigh. "I tried to reach them before word got around about Casey's assault, but news like this travels quickly. I don't know where Bauer is or what he's doing. But I'm sure he'll resurface eventually."

"But you do have an idea as to why he's disappeared, don't you?" Liv asked in a lower tone. "Casey's his girlfriend, Captain. You've seen the two of them together, and you know how important they are to one another...she has a right to know what's going on."

"I can't explain right now. Just keep playing dumb with Novak...are we clear?"

Olivia gave her cell phone a surprised and insulted look. "All right, Captain. Give me a call when you know something."

Olivia hung up her phone and turned with a sigh, heading back to Casey's hospital room.

Casey immediately sat up, wincing in pain as she did. "Did you talk to Seth? Is everything all right?"

"Still no word, sweetie. I'm sorry."

"I don't understand this. Do you think something happened to him?"

"I'm sure he's fine, Casey. We just don't know where he is right now."

Casey's breathing became faster, and her face began to scrunch up. Her voice went up several octaves as the tears began to spill down her cheeks. "Why isn't he here?" she burst out in a distressed voice. "Doesn't he care about what's happened to me? I don't understand. Where is he?"

Liv sat down in the chair next to Casey's bed again, taking her hand. "I don't know what to tell you, Casey. I'm sure Seth's very concerned about what happened, but not everyone deals with stuff like this especially well." Casey looked up hopefully at Olivia with sad, tear-filled eyes. "But I know that Seth thinks the world of you, Casey. Try not to worry, I'm sure he'll show up soon."

Casey turned her head to the side and looked out the window into the black night sky. Where are you, Seth? I need you, she thought, sniffling.

"Listen, I have to get back to the station house," Olivia said. "We've got a bit of mess to clean up there."

Casey turned her attention back to Olivia. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she had stopped crying. She spoke in a more even tone. "What about Pallarzi?"

Olivia shrugged her shoulders, standing up. "He'll be spending the night in one of our holding cells before his arraignment tomorrow. After that, it's up to the D.A.'s office how you want to proceed."

"Oh, I'll be at his arraignment tomorrow, you can bet on that," Casey said defiantly, sounding angry again. "I said I wasn't handing this case over and I meant it."

Olivia gave Casey a defeated look. "Just get some sleep, okay?"

Casey paused, her expression becoming calm again. "Thanks, Olivia."

"Sure," Liv said sweetly, exiting the room.

Casey slid down in her hospital bed, sighing. She was far more upset than she wanted to admit, and she was fighting to hold back the tears. She had gained consciousness on the ride over in the ambulance, and in her bewildered and frightened state she had kept telling herself the same thing over and over. It won't be like last time. Seth will take care of me and I won't be alone. But she had been at the hospital for several hours and Seth was nowhere to be seen. Casey appreciated Liv staying with her for a while, but she didn't buy Olivia's excuse that Seth was "on his way" back to the squad room. She felt like Olivia was hiding something, but she couldn't imagine what. I know Seth better than anyone, and I'd know if there was a legitimate reason why he hasn't shown up yet...Wouldn't I?

She had to admit, as much as she cared for Seth, she sometimes felt like she didn't know everything about him. She felt that maybe there were things Seth wanted to share with her about himself, but felt he couldn't; at least not yet, anyway. Casey believed they had a very open and honest relationship, and she certainly didn't think he was lying to her about anything. For the most part, anything that had to do with the two of them as a couple Seth was very open and loving about. They had even begun talking about their future together and he seemed quite comfortable with the subject. But when it came to the topic of his own past, it seemed like there were parts Seth "skipped over". She knew a little about his childhood and about where he had grown up, as well as what he had done while working in Narcotics. But he was always so vague about anything that had taken place between his adolescent years and his first few years on the force. Then, of course, there were the nightmares. He never wanted to talk about his bad dreams, which had only seemed to become worse and more intense with time. She thought the nightmares could possibly be related to job stress since Seth had never worked in a Special Victims Unit before. She had suggested he try talking to someone like Dr. Huang about his dreams if he wouldn't talk to her about them, but according to Seth, he never remembered what they were about. Casey wasn't sure if she believed him, but she tried to give him his space, knowing that it was a sensitive subject. After awhile, she had begun to think it might be best to pretend she was sleeping when Seth would wake up in the middle of the night, panicked and sweating. But she couldn't bring herself to do that. She always got up with Seth after one of his nightmares, and she would hold him and kiss his forehead, waiting for him to calm down. One time he had even woken up crying, and she had cried with him. She didn't push the issue, but she was always there for him. That's why it was so confusing and hurtful that Seth wasn't with her now.

She loved him; that much was true. Casey had always been so independent, and she had never imagined needing someone in her life so much. But her affection for Seth had blossomed into a real, mature devotion over the last several months. They had even begun saying, "I love you" to one another, and it filled her heart with a special joy she had never known before. Seth had been the first to say the words, after they had gone to the park for a picnic lunch and a game of softball one afternoon. The sunny sky that day had suddenly become dark and menacing, and the rain had begun to spill down in buckets. Everyone in the park had scattered, seeking shelter from the sudden downpour, but they had remained. Seth had pulled the tablecloth they were sitting on over their heads, and they were drenched within seconds.

"What are you doing?" Casey had yelled over the sounds of the storm.

"I love you," Seth had said as plain as day, looking deep into her sparkling jade eyes.

"What?" Casey had responded, taken aback by Seth's sudden outpouring of emotion.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Casey had quietly replied, living and dying all in the same instant.

They had kissed each other passionately, suddenly unable to feel the rain any more. They had gone back to her place sopping wet, and had stayed in bed all the rest of that afternoon. By the day's end, Casey had known that she was truly in love for the first time in her life.

Casey smiled at the memory and turned on her side, swallowing hard. It felt like someone had lit her throat on fire and then raked over it with a rusty pitchfork. She swallowed again, the pain not as severe the second time, an indication that the medication she had been given was finally starting to kick in. A few raindrops had begun to slide down the window outside, and again Casey thought of the day she and Seth had spent in the park together. Where are you? she thought to herself again, her eyelids becoming heavy. The rain began to pick up, smattering the window in noisy, wet sheets. By the time the rain had turned into a steady, comforting downfall, Casey had fallen fast asleep, snoring lightly through her sore and injured throat. Outside, the wind picked up and the night moved on.

Somewhere in the cold darkness of the city, a dazed Special Victims Unit Detective named Seth Bauer paced up and down a familiar, litter-strewn alleyway in the pouring rain, mumbling to himself. Had anyone seen him or been listening, they could have made out the one phrase he kept repeating over and over again: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

The wind howled and Seth stopped, suddenly looking up. He had a pained expression on his face; his eyes and mind a million miles away. He sighed heavily into the cold rainy night air, knowing what he had to do.