Disclaimer: All Law And Order: Special Victims Unit characters and namesakes are the property of Dick Wolf / NBC.

Author's Note / Warning: This story contains an original character that plays the love interest of Casey Novak. The story deals with the relationship between Casey and my original character, and it is told from both of their perspectives. I had a very specific storyline in mind that I felt could not be realized by pairing Casey with an existing SVU character, thus the creation of Det. Seth Bauer. This is not intended to be a Mary Sue story, and I can only hope that from the writing and characterization, this proves to be true.

A/N/W: From Chapter 7 on, the themes become slightly more adult in regards to violence and sexual content. Nothing explicit enough to warrant an M rating, but just a heads up to readers all the same.

Chapter 13: Truth
December 18th, 2:15 PM

Sometimes, the world was a place that made very little sense. Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak understood this more than most people. The misery and tragedy of human suffering surrounded her day-to-day life, flowing through her waking hours and following her into the depths of sleep. Like the detectives she worked with, she couldn't always find a way to make sense of the horrors she witnessed, but she continued to push ahead, seeking justice for those in need and trying to set right the lives of those victimized by all the unspeakable atrocities she saw around her. She was obsessed with the principles of right and wrong, even when her own personal morals saw fit to transcend the law. She was a crusader for the innocent, facing her life and career with a young and unafraid mentality. At the same time, she knew she was not a completely perfect and righteous individual, and she had paid the price many times for her overconfidence and lack of foresight.

Happiness was not often a part of Casey's job. Even when she won, those she fought for had already lost in some way. Her job was really about correcting the balance of things, doing right where others had done so wrong. Sometimes the tiny bit of redemption Casey felt at the end of the day was the only thing that kept her going. Often, it was the only thing that kept bringing her back for more, despite the sadness and misery and degradation of humanity she was constantly faced with. But Seth had changed so much of that for Casey. She felt safe with him in a way that outshined many of the self-doubts and inadequacies she kept hidden deep within herself. She leaned on him in a way that she had always feared would make her feel weak and incompetent. But with Seth, it made her feel loved and empowered. She shared parts of her life with him that she never could have imagined trusting to anyone but herself. Sometimes, Casey would have to pinch herself, wondering if the joy she felt could possibly be real.

Still, there were good times and there were bad times, and their relationship was far from perfect. But that's what made them so strong together. Their bond was a real one, not some absurd fairytale romance where everything worked out in the end. They were imperfect people in an imperfect world who had found something special inside of one another. They had discovered a nesting place in each other's souls, a place to stay and build a life. The happiness she felt with Seth had made Casey see things differently. She now observed life not only through her own set of eyes, but through his as well. It wasn't just her life anymore; it was becoming their life.

Casey loved Seth dearly, and she knew in her heart that he felt the same way. Whether their bond was communicated through words or actions, it was obvious they shared something very special. It was true; the world was a place that made very little sense sometimes. But Casey Novak had found her small, happy patch of life with Seth, and it completed her in a way she had never known possible. That's why the words coming out of Seth's mouth made no sense. As Seth spoke, it was like a bad dream and Casey wondered how on earth things had turned so bad, so quick.

"We shouldn't see each other any more...?" Casey asked stupefied, repeating the words Seth had just said and turning them into a question. There was a genuine look of horror on Casey's face and her whole body felt numb. It had been five days since Pallarzi had attacked her, and the bruises around her neck and mouth had faded to a nasty yellowish-purple color. Her lip had gone back to its normal size, a thin vertical scab having formed over the deep gash that lay there.

Seth had shown up twenty minutes earlier, knocking softly on Casey's apartment door. Casey had sprung off the couch at the sound of Seth's arrival, desperate to see his face and feel his warm body against hers. After a customary glance through the peephole, Casey had flung the door wide open and leapt at Seth, slamming her mouth against his and kissing him passionately, despite the sharp pain that shot through her injured bottom lip. Seth had stood in the doorway for a moment, his body stiff, almost resisting Casey's touch. After a few seconds, he had relaxed, tenderly wrapping his arms around Casey, holding her. Casey had pulled her mouth away and grabbed the sides of Seth's head with her hands, covering his face with kisses. The two of them had stood in the doorway for several minutes hugging each other, Casey's head on Seth's shoulder. Her eyes were closed and tears had run down her cheeks, a wide smile on her face. Seth had looked straight ahead with glassy eyes, his brow seeming sad and burdened. He no longer had a bandage across the bridge of his nose, and the cut that remained had scabbed over in a dark maroon color.

Casey had finally pulled back from Seth, taking his hand and guiding him into the apartment.

"It's so good to see you," Casey had said, still smiling.

"It's good to see you too," Seth had replied in a soft voice. "You look pretty banged up. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It looks a lot worse than it feels. Come on, let's sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Are you hungry?"

"Thanks, I'm good," Seth had said, sitting down on the couch. Casey had joined him and they had sat facing each other. Casey had studied his face, searching his eyes.

"I guess we need to talk," Seth had said with a heavy sigh, turning his glance away from her.

Casey had gently reached over, placing her fingers under Seth's chin and tilting his gaze back up to hers. "Yeah," Casey had said almost sarcastically. "No kidding. Just start from the beginning, Seth. What the hell happened?"

Seth had sighed deeply again, beginning to speak. "I know I've made a total mess of things. I can't excuse that or expect you to tell me it's okay, because it's not okay. I can't even imagine what you must think of me now. Things were going so well between us and I totally screwed them up."

Casey had looked lovingly at Seth, taking his hand in hers. "You haven't messed everything up. And I don't think you're crazy, if that's what you mean. But I know there's got to be a reason why this happened. I just want to understand, Seth. I mean, attacking Pallarzi, all the nightmares – what's this really all about?"

Seth's hand had tensed up and he had adjusted his position, frowning. "Well, Dr. Huang said I suffered some kind of psychotic break. That night, when I had heard about what had happened to you, I started to leave the crime scene Munch and I were at. I remember thinking that I was going to the hospital...after that, it gets real fuzzy. The next clear memory I have is sitting in Cragen's office with blood all over my hands and shirt." Seth had paused, taking another deep breath. "I guess I had gone back to the station house instead of going to the hospital. I had taken Pallarzi out of his cell and into one of the interrogation rooms. I guess I beat him pretty badly. I pulled my gun on him and I was apparently going to shoot him."

"What?" Casey nearly shouted, her eyes going wide with shock. "Nobody mentioned that part. You were really going to shoot him?"

"I guess it sure looked that way. That's what Cragen told me anyway...I guess he stopped me before I could pull the trigger. I honestly don't know what would've happened if he hadn't of shown up when he did." Seth licked his lips, continuing. "Anyway, Cragen said he left that part out of the report. He seemed really pissed when he told me about it, but I think he did it because he feels bad for me. It may be the only thing that saves me from getting kicked off the force."

Casey had squinted her eyes and shaken her head, trying to digest everything. She was horrified by the notion that Seth had almost shot Pallarzi to death, and she could barely wrap her mind around the image of him performing such a despicable act. "I tried to find out from my boss if criminal charges are going to be filed against you, but he said they don't know yet. They're still waiting for Huang's report."

"Yeah," Seth had agreed, not knowing what else to add.

Casey had rubbed the back of his hand. "Hey, don't you worry about anything, Seth. We're going to get through this together. Based on what Huang's saying, there's very little chance you'll have to go to trial or spend any time in jail. You couldn't help what you were doing, and that makes you NOT responsible for your actions. And even if you do lose your job, we'll figure things out. You have to trust me."

"I do trust you, Casey. I'm not worried about that stuff so much. Even if I do go to jail, I can't say I don't deserve to. I'll take responsibility for my actions."

"No," Casey had said strongly. "I've made deals for no jail time with people who have purposefully done things much worse than you have. Pallarzi was a rapist and murderer, and you only attacked him after he had injured both you and I. Not to mention, you didn't actually kill him, Seth." Casey had paused, shaking her head in a defiant gesture. "If charges are brought against you, we're going to fight them every step of the way."

Seth had smiled his slanted smile at her, marveling at how amazing she was, sounding so sure about everything.

After a moment, Casey had spoken again. "But you still haven't answered my question, Seth. Why did this happen in the first place? And don't tell me it was just some random act of chivalry on my behalf...I know there's more to this. I've tried to give you your space with things, but I need you to be honest with me."

Seth had lowered his head, wondering what to say next. He thought about all the times he had tried to tell Casey about the dark secrets in his past. All the things no one knew about him...the things he kept buried deep down in his soul. Even though Seth couldn't remember beating Pallarzi, he knew why he had done it. And he hadn't needed Huang's psyche evaluation to make things any clearer, either. Seth had sensed from the beginning of his relationship with Casey that it was just a matter of time before his sorted past caught up with him...with them. He thought about what a bastard and coward he was for not finding a way to tell her sooner. He loved Casey very much, and that was wherein the problem lied. His sad past and guilt-ridden conscious wouldn't allow him to let go of the things that had happened before, and his failure to conquer his inner demons had gotten the best of him. He didn't deserve this wonderful creature sitting before him, and he wouldn't allow himself to ruin her life the way he had already ruined his own.

"We shouldn't see each other anymore," Seth had said in a meek voice, looking away from Casey. Considering everything that had happened, he knew she deserved so much more. She deserved the truth, but he couldn't allow himself to lead her down that dark and twisted path.

After repeating the phrase back to Seth in the form of a question, Casey had looked at him like he truly was crazy. Her mouth had gone completely dry, and she licked her lips and swallowed hard before continuing.

"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked in a stunned voice. Unable to stop herself, Casey uttered a short bray of shocked laughter. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"You don't want to know what this is really all about, Casey," Seth said, his voice becoming distressed. He suddenly stood up, startling Casey and making her jump. "I failed you. I failed you in every way. I'm not the person you think I am. It's no surprise I went nuts on Pallarzi...'cause I am nuts."

Seth turned as if to leave and Casey hopped off the couch, grabbing his arm. "What do you think you're doing?" she shouted at him. "Don't you just walk away from me! What – you think you can just say that and walk out the door? So long? See yah later? Nice knowing you, Casey? I don't think so!"

Seth ripped his arm away, frustrated tears forming in his eyes. "Why can't you just let it go, Casey? You don't know what you're asking!"

"I...LOVE...YOU! Do you understand that? I LOVE you, Seth! You're not just walking away from this, OR us!"

She grabbed Seth, forcing his head against her neck. She could feel his weight on her, and he struggled weakly against her embrace. She placed a hand on the back of his head, trying to calm him. His body relaxed again, and he hugged her back gently. "Don't do this, Seth," she whispered. "I'm here for you."

After a moment, Seth stood back, Casey's hands on his shoulders. His eyes were red and his cheeks were damp with tears. He looked down at the floor, saying nothing.

"Sit down," Casey said in a soothing voice. She took his hand and gently led him back to his seat on the sofa. They sat down again, the cold air outside blowing across the building, rattling the windowpanes. Seth looked so sad and Casey's heart ached in her chest. She had begun to cry as well. After several minutes of silence, Seth began to speak.

"There's a lot you don't know about my past, Casey. The nightmares have a lot to do with that. So does beating up Pallarzi. When he...DID what he did to you, it brought all of that back up, and I guess I just lost it." Seth paused, unable to continue. "You don't understand," he whispered in a heavy breath. "This is going to change everything..."

Casey looked at him with hurt, tearful eyes. "What is it that could be so bad, Seth? You're ready to walk out the door right now, without so much as saying another word. Just tell me. If you really, truly, love me, then tell me. I promise you, it won't – it can't – change the way that I feel about you."

After a moment's consideration and a very deep, sad sigh, Seth finally found it within himself to tell Casey about the unspeakable thing that had happened on that cold winter night, three years ago.