Bittersweet and Salty
By
Kelsey
Disclaimer: Not mine. Though as I've said before, you'd think with all the "Law and Order"s out there, they could spare one.
Author's Note: Not for Casey-haters. And I make no promise about the outcome in any way.
Summary: Someone comes back into Olivia's life, but someone else is already there. Will old love prevail, or does new love run stronger? Femslash, O/A, O/C.
Rating: PG this chapter
Chapter Four
Casey is absent when Olivia arrives home. She sighs, having hoped that that her current girlfriend would be there to cuddle with in an uncomplicated manner, but realizes that it was really too much to ask that of Casey. She's been incredibly understanding, and even willing to give Olivia up-- she can't ask her to go on as if nothing had happened until Olivia made up her mind.
So, for the second night in a row, she takes a tumbler of Scotch to the couch and sips it slowly, watching the evening news. Her mother's alcoholism has always been at the back of her mind, and she has a mental rule about only drinking two drinks a night. She's been drunk once or twice, but she always ends up feeling like she broke some kind of sacred covenant with herself, and it never happens again for a long, long time.
She kind of wishes that tonight was one of those nights she felt dreadful enough to submerge herself in a bottle and worry about the guilt later, but it isn't. So she pours her second glass of Scotch, caps the bottle of amber liquid, and return it to its rightful place in the kitchen.
The phone is lying tantalizingly close to her right hand, and she picks it up, idly fingering the numbers that would dial Casey's apartment. If Casey's even there. The current prosecutor works even harder than Alex ever did, and Olivia is sure that a large part of it is the fact that the DA's office had made it very clear from the beginning that Casey had big shoes to fill. Casey has never forgotten that.
She remembers her own treatment of the new ADA in her first days with SVU and cringes a little. Granted, Casey was naïve and annoying, and so young that Olivia wondered how she'd managed to graduate law school already, let alone have a history working with the city, but she'd been downright rude. And it hadn't just been then, either. It had taken fully a year before Olivia warmed up to her at all.
When she finally had, she'd realized that under all that bravado and confidence so similar to Alex's, lurked a woman nothing like her former lover. Casey could be shy, though it was heavily mitigated by her passion when she was sure she was right. Alex always carried the same supreme arrogance that won her legal battle after battle; with Casey it was discarded outside the courtroom.
Olivia thought about Alex's familiar grin, full of impudence and beauty, and felt a spark running down her spine. She thought about kissing Alex, feeling those soft lips press against her own with the same kind of determination that Alex displayed in every other aspect of her life. Her body shivered a little.
But then Casey's face popped up in her thoughts, and Olivia thought about the long tender nights filled with a gentle kind of passion and the occasional redhead-blush. Casey hated them, but Olivia thought they were unbearably cute. Then there was all the quiet and soft touching, not even necessarily erotic but simply sensual, that they had engaged in.
And in their own separate ways, each of these women had made Olivia feel desperately loved and beautiful. And now that she was faced with the hardest choice in the world, she couldn't answer Elliot's all-important question: Which one couldn't you live without?
Finally having consigned herself to her bed, Olivia lays staring up at the ceiling. She is going to sleep tonight, she is determined to. If she doesn't, she won't be in top shape tomorrow at work, and Tanya Martin deserves her full attention. Justice for the victims should be her top priority, not her minor personal troubles.
The clicking of a key in the lock startles her a little, and she sits up. She's curious more than worried because the only people with keys to her door are Casey, Alex and Elliot. And the super, but it damn well better not be him.
Elliot would only let himself in if he was really worried about her. And Alex's rather hesitant behavior in the days since she's gotten back makes Olivia think that it's unlikely she would let herself in without first knocking. "Casey?"
A face framed by red hair pokes around the corner. "Hey, Liv."
Olivia smiles. Regardless of her romantic issues with the woman, she is comfortable and calmer in Casey's presence. Outside of work, that is. At work, they tend to get into rip-roaring arguments. Less often now than when Casey first showed up, but still occasionally. "Hey, Case."
"I hope it's okay I'm here," she says as she wanders barefoot into the bedroom. She's still wearing her suit from the day, and Olivia knows from experience that Casey's briefcase is on her couch, and Casey's shoes are wherever she kicked them off to. Casey is not fond of dress shoes, despite the amount of time she has to spend wearing them for her job.
"Of course. Coming to bed?"
Casey nods, pulling off her jacket and hanging it in the closet beside Olivia's. "I thought I'd sleep better here."
And she knew Olivia was obsessing and wouldn't be sleeping, Olivia knows. "I think I will, too."
Grabbing her pajamas from Olivia's top drawer, Casey sheds the rest of her clothes quickly and climbs into bed. Olivia turns to rest her head on Casey's chest-- this is usually Casey's position, but tonight she wants the reassurance of it-- and Casey combs her fingers through Olivia's hair. "Sleep now," she says softly, and Olivia mmms in response before tucking her chin down and her knees up and promptly falling asleep.
In the morning, Olivia wakes to the smell of coffee. Casey is no morning person, but she's got the kind of always-cheery disposition that makes her annoying to other non-morning people all around her. Olivia's mind, on endless repeat of moments she's shared with Alex, brings up a mental image of Alex in the morning, crabby as hell and mussed like she never let anyone else see her. It amuses her briefly, and she smiles as she drags herself out of bed.
"Morning," Olivia says as she walks into the kitchen and pours herself a cup of coffee. She doesn't always bother making coffee for one, finding it easier and quicker to pick up a cup on the way to work, but she enjoys this morning ritual of sharing coffee and quiet time with Casey.
"Morning," Casey responds, smiling a little nervously. Olivia frowns briefly, wondering what's making Casey nervous, then shakes her head a little and sits down at the table. It was useless interrogating a lawyer. They never told you anything until they felt like it.
"Did you get the paper?" she asks, and the redhead nods. She sees it as some kind of duty of her office to keep up with the news and how the media has twisted it this time. Olivia, fully of the opinion that politics is the DA's office's job, rarely reads the paper or watches the news. However, she's had a subscription for a while now, since Casey has started staying over more often than not.
Five silent minutes later, Olivia's eyes are starting to droop again when Casey puts down the paper, then her coffee mug, and looks over at her. "We need to talk."
"Uh oh."
Casey gives a little smile. "It's nothing bad-- at least, not too bad." She takes a deep breath. "Liv, I'm taking myself out of the picture for a while."
Olivia puts down her coffee cup, too. "What do you mean?" she asks.
"I'm going back to living at my apartment. I'm not going to show up here unannounced again, and we're not going to sleep together for a while."
"Why?"
"Because I think you and Alex need to reconnect without me in the way."
Olivia is starting to feel the slow burn of anger in the pit of her stomach. "Why do you get to decide what I want to do?"
"I'm not trying to decide for you, Olivia. I'm trying to give you a chance to decide."
"By, essentially, leaving me?"
Casey's eyes reflect her pain at the subject. "If you're with me, you won't feel free to decide you want to be with Alex. I know you." She looks away. "Just think of it as if you weren't with either of us. You're free to choose whoever you want, without previous ties."
"Casey, I have 'previous ties' to both of you! And I don't wish it was any other way!" Olivia is standing by now, her anger feeling too contained by sitting.
"I'm not asking permission," Casey says determinedly. "If you decide you really want to be with me, I'll be there." Her voice says she finds that scenario extremely unlikely, but before Olivia can dispute that, she is speaking again. "But I'm giving you this time."
"I can make up my own mind!" Olivia shouts.
Casey looks at her, making no move to stand up. Her eyes are pleading, and Olivia realizes that maybe this isn't just all about her. "Liv, I need this too. If I don't do this, I'll never know if you want me because I'm me, or because you feel obligated."
Olivia's anger fades away, and she sits back down. "I'd never stay with you out of obligation," she says softly.
Casey stands this time. "Not knowingly," she says. "But I know you." She takes her cup to the sink, rinses it and puts it in the dishwasher. "If you need me, I'll be there," she says softly, and then she leaves the kitchen. A second later, Olivia hears the front door click shut.
Her coffee is cold, but she drinks it anyway. Maybe it will wake her up from this completely disconcerting dream, she thinks.
Olivia lets Elliot drive, since she's still reeling a little from Casey's announcement. She thinks that it confirms that her thoughts are totally whacked that the only thing she can think about is whether she's going to be able to sleep at night now.
She tells Elliot, and he looks over at her with that annoying look that says he knows something she doesn't. "I don't know Liv, are you going to be able to?" he asks mildly.
She shrugs. "But it doesn't matter!" she says. "I'm not with Casey because she's some kind of sleep aid!"
"I know that. I just think the answer to that question might be more important than you're giving it credit for."
Olivia sighs. "Why?"
"Because, Liv, you sleep best when you're comfortable and feel safe, right? So who you sleep with is a good indicator of how you feel about that person." He grimaces. "Sleeping in the same bed with Kathy was a chore for the last couple years."
Olivia lets the silence take over, and mentally chews on the idea Elliot's given her until they pull up in front of the university's rape prevention and crisis center.
The secretary at the front gives them the usual runaround-- no, she can't tell you who Tanya Martin's counselor was, or if she was ever even here. No, she doesn't care that Tanya is dead, she needs to stick to the rules, which are rather prominently displayed on the wall, and the first one is that you tell no one anything about the patients. "No One," she says determinedly.
As Elliot is opening his mouth to argue their case again, an older woman comes out of the back offices and notices them. "Can I help you?" she asks. "If you're parents of a student, I have to inform you that I cannot discuss them with anyone."
Olivia shakes her head and reaches to pull out her ID. "NYPD. I'm Detective Benson, and this is my partner Detective Stabler. We're here about Tanya Martin."
The woman shakes her head a little. "I'm sorry, I still can't disclose information about a patient."
"She's dead," Elliot says bluntly. "And we think that previous abuse may have been a factor. We really need to talk to her counselor."
A hand raised to her mouth in shock, the woman takes a couple of steps back until she is leaning on the counter. "Oh my goodness," she says.
Recovering a little, she reaches out a hand and distractedly shakes their hands. "I'm Maria Slovena," she says. "Tanya was my patient. I had no idea she was dead." She cocks her head towards the hallway. "Why don't we discuss this in my office."
Following her, the detectives allow themselves to be led into a smallish room with a single window covered by light curtains. There is a couch and two chairs, a small desk and a neat collection of pens and pencils next to a clean pad of paper. Above the desk is a locked cabinet. The counselor motions them inside and sits down in one of the chairs-- Olivia and Elliot chose opposite ends of the couch.
"Ms. Slovena, do you remember when Tanya started coming here?" Elliot asks.
"Well, it was right after she came to school here. She said that she didn't want to talk to anyone, but one of her professors, Ms. Crandell, had convinced her to. She really wanted to do well here, but she was having trouble sleeping because of nightmares, and it was keeping her from getting the grades she would have wanted."
"Was Tanya raped once, or was the abuse long-term?" Olivia asks.
The woman shakes her head. "I don't know. She never talked about the attack or abuse. She only wanted advice about dealing with the aftermath. I tried to get her to open up, told her I couldn't help her as much without all the information, but she wouldn't talk."
"So you have no idea who might have attacked or abused her?"
"I didn't say that." Ms. Slovena turns to her desk, and pulls a key ring from her pocket. She selects a key from the ring and opens the cabinet over the desk. Rifling through binders, she finds the one she is looking for and pulls it out. "I take notes if my patients allow it," she says. "Tanya said she didn't mind." Flipping through the pages of notebook paper inside the binder, she finds what she is looking for and sits back down. "Here. Tanya was here one day, and we came upon the subject of her high school. She got very quiet and nervous. She said she'd been to two of them, and that the first one was 'fine.' She wouldn't say anything about the second."
Elliot nods and Olivia makes a note in her notebook. "You don't know anything else about Tanya's problems?" she asks.
The older woman gives a sad smile. "Oh, lots. But nothing about a rape or other sexual abuse."
"Tanya had a lot of other problems?" Elliot queries.
"She was very shy. I think from before the attack or abuse. She had a hard time making friends, and she was lonely. Too bad, she was bright and fun to be around when she was happy."
Olivia folds her notebook shut and stuffs it back into her breast pocket. "Thank you," she says. "And I'm sorry about Tanya."
Ms. Slovena wipes a tear from her cheek and shakes her head. "It's awful," she says. "I hope you catch whoever did it."
"We'll try our best," Elliot vows, and they leave.
"So, to the high school?" Olivia asks as she and Elliot head back to the car.
He nods and fishes his cell phone from his pocket. "I'll call Munch and see if he can dig up the location of her second high school."
"Maybe we should go to the first one, too, and see why she left," Olivia suggests.
Elliot nods, then starts to speak into the phone. "Hey. Yeah, I need the locations of Tanya Martin's high schools. Yeah, the rape counselor says she went to two." There's silence for a moment. Then, "Really? Yeah, the counselor seemed pretty sure. Okay. Thanks."
He hangs up the phone and climbs into the passenger seat of the car where Olivia is already waiting with the engine on. "Munch says there's only one high school on record for her."
"Well, let's get there then," Olivia says, and puts the car in gear before pulling out of the parking lot and following the signs to the exit from university grounds. "Which way?"
Previous Next
Back to Main Page
Back to Law and Order Fic
