Schwarz Switch

(Part II: I Broke the Blender and Schuldig's Brain!)

By Carter Tachikawa

(Good God, I haven't updated this in forever! What is wrong with me? Anyway, if you need help, I put a table on the previous chapters. In case you are lazy here it is:

MIND BODY

Crawford Schuldig

Schuldig Farfarello

Farfarello Nagi

Nagi Crawford

Anyway, Weiss isn't mine. I'd do different stuff with it if it were. Weird stuff. Crazy stuff.)

Farfarello had already gotten used to his new body. And he was enjoying the new power that he acquired. He made sure to test everything before throwing it against the wall or at someone else. The others could only stare in disbelief.

"Great, ten minutes in my body and Farfarello has already destroyed the dining room table, a couch, and threw a kitten off a building. Can things get any worse?" 'Crawford' muttered.

"I just broke the blender!" 'Nagi' added. "Crawford' groaned.

"Well, we cannot panic!" 'Schuldig' snapped. "I am certain there is a way to get out of a sticky situation like this. I can predict it!"

"Mmm, I love the way you take charge." 'Farfarello' murmured. He was sitting in a rather suggestive way. 'Crawford' was trying hard not to stare.

'Schuldig' blushed. "Thank you, Schuldig. As I said, I can predict what'll happen next."

"But…I'm the one with your precognitive powers now." 'Crawford' replied.

"…That's beside the point!" 'Schuldig' snapped. "We have to get used to these new powers and bodies. Or things will be very complicated."

"Dear God, I want you now more than I ever wanted a man!" 'Farfarello' exclaimed.

"But what if we forget that our minds are switched?" 'Crawford' asked, still trying to ignore 'Farfarello'. "I may never get used to being so tall…and big…in certain…"

"Oh god, Bradley, you're finally understanding the self-worth of your manly body parts! I need a spanking!" 'Farfarello' turned around and stuck out his rear end so that someone would hit him. Unaware of what he was doing, 'Crawford' did slap his rear end, allowing 'Farfarello' to shriek with delight.

'Schuldig', however, was not happy to see this display. "Why are you slapping my lover, Nagi?"

'Crawford' paled. "I…I don't know."

'Farfarello' also looked embarrassed. "Sorry about that. I'm getting confused between who is my real Bradley and who this imposter is!"

"It's me, strudel noggin!" 'Crawford' snapped. "You know, Naggles?"

"Look at me, I'm juggling eight knives!" 'Nagi' interrupted them. And sure enough, that was what he was doing. He had eight very sharp knives floating in the air, slicing apart plants, the sofa, wallpaper, curtains, and several other things. 'Crawford' was horrified.

"Oh, God, Farfarello stop!" He exclaimed.

"How dare you say the wretched one's name!" 'Nagi' boomed. "For that, I should slice you open!"

"No, no, no! I'm sorry, I'm…" Before 'Crawford' could finish, he had his first prediction. Chocolate…whipped cream…bondage…and a paddle. "Oh dear, I just saw myself paddling through a river chocolate in a leather thong!"

'Schuldig' frowned. "That's probably not what the vision meant, Nagi, I'm sure…"

"Heads up!" 'Nagi' yelled before throwing a pie pan at 'Crawford's' head. Predicting it before it came, he ducked and it ended up hitting 'Schuldig' instead.

'Farfarello' sighed. "This is going to be one painful and long day."

'Crawford' shook his head. "I think I'm going to take him with me. I have someone I need to see."

"Who?"

"Someone that I hope can help us."

Back at the flower shop, Weiss was enjoying a night of relaxation with TV. There was nobody to attack, Schwarz was lying low, and the girls left the shop early today due to final exams coming up. Omi was the last one in as they settled down to watch the latest American crime drama.

"How much did I miss?" He asked.

"Twenty minutes but nothing much has happened." Yohji replied. "Well, there's no nudity yet anyway. Hey, it's back!"

"We now return to CSI: Animal Victims Unit."

"Good gracious, it seems that this raccoon didn't die when it fell into the hydrochloric acid. It died because someone shot it, strangled it with the entrails of a horse, and then dropped it in the acid to finish the job!"

"Very interesting. And what about the carcass of the carpet beetle I found?"

"I think it was thrown in to throw us off."

"People do that to us a lot."

"I know, I know. Say you want to sleep with me tonight?"

"You got Tivo and crack?"

Yohji sipped his beer. "Man, American television is so much better than what we get. Plus the women are better looking and they solve crimes. Nothing is sexier than a woman who solves a crime. And she wears a tank top while doing it."

"You know what would be even better looking?" Ken said, a mischievous look in his eyes. "Aya wearing nothing and killing off our targets."

"In your dreams." Aya muttered.

"I know but it would be nice to have you do that in reality too."

Suddenly, a sharp rap banged on their door. The four men looked at each other before Omi got up (the couple on the TV were back to trying to find to locate the raccoon's family) and opened the door. To his surprise, Nagi was there.

"Nagi!" He whispered. He looked back at the others, told them that it was nothing but the wind, and stepped outside. "Everybody else is busy watching CSI: Animal Victims Unit and they'll probably start watching a rerun of CSI: Plant Life soon. What are you doing, koi?"

From the distance, 'Crawford' watched as 'Nagi' began to do everything instructed. Hopefully, he would stay in character.

"Omi, I have something to tell you." 'Nagi' began. Unfortunately, he immediately forgot what he was supposed to say. "Do you believe in God? Do you believe that he has forsaken you and thus should burn in the Hell he has created? Has he given up on you? Have you given up on him?"

Omi raised an eyebrow. "Nagi, are you okay? Did Farfarello make you watch the Christian channel again?"

"Oh, no, no. I am just curious. Because you see, God is not a good person. He makes suffering and death take place on Earth. He is unforgiving. He is unkind. He is the reason you and I are in this situation, on two different sides! God must die!" 'Nagi' exclaimed.

"Nagi, be quiet!" Omi hissed. "The others will hear you! And what is wrong with you? I thought you came to get some from me, not preach anti-God things to me. Because if that's all this is, I'm going back inside. I'm missing precious CSI show time anyway."

Terrific. 'Crawford' slapped his forehead. I should never have asked Farfarello to do my job. Now Omi thinks I'm a sadistic, anti-God nut job. Well, there is only one way to fix this.

Cleaning himself up and making sure to wipe that grease stain out of Crawford's suit (which he planned to hide before he went inside or the real Crawford would surely have his head), he stepped out of the shadows.

"Omi, my love, that's not me. That's Farfarello." He began.

Omi glared at him. "You!"

"No, it isn't. Well, technically it is. But at the same time it isn't! What I mean to say is that I sound like Crawford, look like Crawford, and have certain Crawford aspects but I am not Crawford! No, no, I am your true love."

Omi shook his head. "That's not going to work. I've heard that one before!"

"But I'm serious. I am not Crawford. Please ignore the way I look or sound or anything else that doesn't resemble me. I know it's odd to hear a member of Schwarz but we really don't want to kill you. Well, not tonight, anyway." 'Crawford' begged.

Omi was still skeptical. "I don't know if I should believe you…"

"You have to! I'll make you a deal. I'll do you every single night for the next three years."

"Three times a day for the next five years."

"Well, how about twice a day for the next four years?"

"Deal! So you are in Crawford's body." Omi sighed. Then he looked at the other Nagi who was telekinetically moving garbage cans around. "Then who is that?"

"God hates clamor!" 'Nagi' exclaimed, throwing the garbage cans against the wall.

"Man, Omi, shut up! I'm missing precious female CSI moments!" Yohji yelled from inside.

'Crawford' winced. "Do you really need me to tell you?"

Omi sighed. "Okay, I guess I believe you. But what do you want me to do?"

"Help us! You're the only one I can come to at this moment. I don't know why but I have this strange feeling that you were in this similar situation."

Omi could only fake a smile. Nagi or Crawford or whoever it was had no idea how close to the truth he was. A few weeks ago something similar happened to Weiss. Somehow they ended up switching bodies and Yohji, unfortunately, ended up being in Omi's body. He could still taste cigarette butts and something resembling the inside of a woman's thong in his mouth.

"Well, since it's you, I can try and help." He promised. "But did you have to tell Farfarello about us?"

"I needed someone and since Farfarello is in my body, he was the only one I could trust. Besides, he isn't going to cause much harm to your side."

"How do you like me polluting your precious Earth, God?" 'Nagi' suddenly spoke. They both turned around to see him dumping out garbage cans on the ground. "That putrid stench…do you enjoy it, God? Does it make you cry in pain? I hope so. I hope this smell makes you choke."

'Crawford' looked sheepish. "Of course, I could be mistaken."

TBC…

(Jesus, it took me forever to update this! I don't know why though. Anyway, I hope to update faster than I have in the fast. Take care.)