Stay With Me

-Tell Me Your Secrets-

By: Lil' Amethyst Angel

Warnings: Slight swearing, shounen-ai, slight violence (against a wall…), and mentions of past abuse.

JJ laid on his bed, staring listlessly at the white ceiling above. It had been a few weeks since he left the hospital. Drake had returned to work after staying home with JJ for a week. JJ figured Drake finally decided he wouldn't do anything stupid, so he was safe to go back to the precinct. JJ sighed. He couldn't really blame Drake for thinking that, but it still stung slightly. Drake knew JJ had strong feelings against suicide, especially after his cousin had killed herself.

JJ rolled over and stared at the wall against the bed. He traced imaginary circles on it with his fingertips. JJ was lost in confusion. He couldn't understand why Sean left him. 'I guess I just can't keep a guy around. My love life has never been all that impressive, it usually ends with a break up. Heck, Dee didn't even want me to begin with. What do I have to do to be able to keep someone that I love. Maybe Sean was right all those times when he said I didn't deserve it.' JJ frowned. 'But Drake says that's not true. He keeps telling me I deserved better than Sean and that I am worthy of love. Drake wouldn't lie to me, would he? But then why would he say that stuff? He's probably trying to make me feel better. I must have been a real burden to him lately.'

JJ stood up and started pacing. He just keeps making himself feel worse and Drake has to suffer for it. Drake is the one that ends up wiping away his tears, whispering reassuring words, and JJ knows Drake is growing weary of it all. JJ started to get frustrated with his thoughts. 'Stop it with the self-pitying damn it!' He thought furiously to himself. This wasn't him. Lying around moping and bitching to himself was not like JJ at all. But, lately, that's all he'd been doing. JJ stopped pacing in front of the bare wall opposite his bed.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore!" JJ cried and slammed his fist into the wall. Following his outburst silence overwhelmed the otherwise empty room. JJ stood in front of the defenseless wall, seething. "I don't want to feel weak! I'm not weak!" With each sentence he punches the wall viciously. "I want control. I want control over the situation. I want control over my feelings. I want control over myself back…" JJ's voice started to fade at the last sentence. "…I want to be loved." With that last whispered line he slumps to the floor, staring dazedly at the dented wall, with smears of blood contrasting sharply against its whiteness.

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The bright lights of New York stood against the darkly painted sky. Sweeping buildings decorated each side of the street as Drake drove home that night. It had been a relatively slow day for him, spent mostly doing paperwork. Dee and Ryo had asked about JJ as usual and Drake told them he was doing better. As far as the rest of the office was concerned JJ was still on vacation, visiting his cousin in Toronto. Ryo, Dee, and Drake all felt it was a private matter and they should leave it up to JJ to choose who to tell.

Drake stopped at as the traffic lights changed to red. He was driving on pure autopilot, as his mind was elsewhere. Drake wasn't sure how he should act around JJ. He remembered a few nights ago when had waken JJ from a nightmare.

Flashback

"JJ! JJ, wake up!" Drake shook his flailing partner.

"S-sorry…didn't m-mean to…slipped…Sean…" JJ mumbled incoherently, still half asleep.

Drake frowned at JJ's words. He could guess what JJ had been dreaming about. His anger flared. How could that bastard do this to JJ? JJ seemed to wake up more fully and looked at Drake confusedly, pain still shining in his eyes. Drake couldn't help a growl from escaping. He should have killed Sean when he had the chance. He could feel a headache coming on. Drake lifted a hand to his temple. As Drake did so, JJ flinched away as if Drake was about to hit him.

"I'm sorry I woke you, Drake-sempai." JJ whispered, fear straining his voice.

Drake realized JJ had seen him angry and when he raised his hand, JJ instinctively thought it would be to strike him. JJ must of thought Drake was angry with him. Drake felt a sharp pain in his heart at the fact JJ thought he would him, thought he was anything like that bastard Sean.

End of Flashback

Things were awkward for a few days after that. Drake had pretty much been walking on eggshells ever since. Drake knew JJ had started to view his actions as pity and he realized the lavender-haired man was starting to feel angered by it. Though, Drake wasn't sure if JJ was angry with Drake for pitying him, or himself for appearing weak. Drake didn't pity JJ, though. He cared for him, worried about him, and felt sympathy for him. Drake would never pity JJ, he respected him too much to do so. (1)

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Back at the apartment JJ had tried to clean the wall, which only helped slightly. There was still a red-ish tinge around the cracked paint where his fists had smashed into moments ago. JJ felt awful. He had dirtied Drake's wall. Hell, he even dented it. After he had calmed down from his fit, JJ decided that he would stop acting so annoyingly depressed, especially around Drake. Maybe if he acted cheery, he would start to believe he was, himself.

JJ wandered out of his temporary bedroom and into the living room, waiting for Drake to arrive home. JJ spotted a tattered blue knit blanket sitting on the couch. He had asked Drake about it few days ago. Drake had blushed and explained he had had it since he was born. His mother had knit it for him and it was a sort of security blanket. Drake could never bring himself to get rid of it. JJ ran his fingers lightly along the soft material. Drake was his security blanket. His partner always brought JJ the comfort he needed. Not to mention, Drake was safe…and warm…and soft…whoa, JJ realized he was getting off track. He reminded himself Drake was his partner, his straight partner. The sound of the front door opening drew him from his thoughts.

"Welcome back, Drake-sempai!" JJ greeted cheerfully as he walked to the door.

"Hey, JJ. How was your day?" Drake asked, taking off his coat.

"Okay. Hey, Drake, I really wanna go back to work." JJ said quickly.

Drake stopped. JJ had brought this up so suddenly. As much as Drake didn't want his partner to return to work, his injuries were mostly healed and he didn't want to coddle JJ or treat him like a child.

"Um, okay. I'll tell the chief you'll be coming back the day after tomorrow, alright?" JJ nodded in turn. Silence reigned for a few tense moments, when JJ spoke once again all of the sudden.

"Did you tell anyone?" Drake looked at him in question.

"Tell anyone what?" Drake asked. JJ looked to the side and absently rubbed his left forearm. Drake had seen JJ do that before, whenever he thought of Sean. JJ would unconsciously rub the spot on his arm where there was a small scar left by his ex-lover. Drake realized that JJ meant to ask if he had told anyone at work about what happened to JJ. He knew, but waited for JJ to answer his earlier question. Drake wanted to hear his partner say it. He wanted to hear JJ admit what Sean had did.

JJ looked at the wall nervously. Neither of them had spoken of Sean since that first time.

"Have you told anyone about my accident?" JJ asked. Drake sighed sadly. He wished JJ would say the words, admit to himself that Sean had hurt him.

"No, I haven't told anyone. Neither have Dee or Ryo." Drake replied. JJ let out a relieved breath and smiled. Drake noticed JJ had stopped rubbing his arm and his eyes were automatically drawn to the hand once again. Now that he looked closely he realized there was blood and purplish blue bruises littering his knuckles.

"Jesus, man! What the hell happened?" Drake gasped. The younger man blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"I got into a fight." Drake looked at the damaged hands again and raised an eyebrow.

"With who?" Drake asked.

"The wall." JJ replied easily. Drake's eyes bulged. He looked at the lavender haired man as if he was insane.

"What? Don't look at me like that." JJ huffed.

Drake shook his head exasperatedly. "Let me guess, the wall started the fight, right? Okay, c'mon, let's fix that up."

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Ring! Ring!

JJ opened his eyes slowly, sleep clouding his vision. He looked at the clock beside him. It was ten a.m. Drake would have already left for work. JJ rolled out of bed and staggered to the kitchen. On his way, he noticed the answering machine was flashing, signifying a message. JJ wondered if he should check it. After all, it could be from Drake. Shrugging, JJ picked up the phone, pushed a few buttons, and listened as the message played.

"Hey, Drake. It's Erin. I was wondering if you wanted to go on another date sometime? If ya do, give me a call, you already have my number. Bye for now."

JJ stared at the machine as if it were the devil itself. Date? Drake went out with this Erin guy? Drake went out with a guy? JJ backed away from the phone slowly. It couldn't be true. Drake wasn't gay. Erin could be a girl's name. Maybe she just had a very masculine voice, JJ tried to convince himself. Even JJ had a hard time believing Erin was a girl. He/she certainly sounded like a man. Even if Drake was gay, he would have told JJ, wouldn't he have? Drake never did say too much about his personal life. JJ decided he would just have to confront Drake that night. He will have to be very subtle…

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Drake trudged up to his apartment tiredly. It had been a long day. He spent half the afternoon chasing some teenager who robbed a convenient store around the city and much to his annoyance the little bugger was fast. He wanted to spend the rest of the night lounging in front of the television and sleeping. He opened the door and was greeted with the site of his partner standing there with his arms crossed. Before he could even say hello, JJ spoke.

"Drake, are you gay?" JJ seemed to have forgotten all about being subtle.

"Wha-how-who- wa?" Drake stuttered. "Where the hell did that come from?" He managed.

"I picked up a message from some Erin guy, who was asking you out." JJ said.

"Oh. Well, yeah, I swing both ways. I'm bi." Drake answered JJ's earlier question of his sexuality. JJ froze in surprise. He was half expecting Drake to have some reasonable excuse about Erin.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" JJ couldn't keep the hurt from his voice. Drake winced at JJ's sad tone.

"I'm sorry, JJ. I'm just not the type to discuss my personal life at work, plus it never really came up. I wasn't trying to hide the fact that I'm bisexual, I just don't flaunt it like Dee." Drake explained.

The younger officer stood in silence, taking a moment to comprehend everything.

"Jeez. The precinct could have its own gay pride parade. Is everyone at the precinct interested in guys? It's just uncanny…" JJ mumbled to himself, but Drake caught it and laughed.

"So, we cool?" Drake asked. JJ nodded the affirmative. "Okay, well I'm starving, so how 'bout we go pick up some pizza?" The two went out to eat most nights, as neither of them were good in the kitchen. Though, JJ insisted he could cook, but Drake really didn't feel like another trip to the emergency room right then.

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Drake was suspicious. He had just arrived home with JJ. That day had been JJ's first day back at work. The two partners spent most of their day patrolling in the police car and didn't receive any serious calls. JJ acted normally and that meant cheerfully. But Drake thought JJ had acted excessively perky. It just seemed fake. Dee and Ryo didn't notice. They thought it was great JJ was putting the whole thing behind him. Maybe they did notice and just wanted things to be okay again so badly, that they ignored it in hopes that JJ would return to his happy self soon enough.

"JJ, can I talk to you?" Drake asked slowly, unsurely. He didn't want to start a fight between him and JJ or make things tense. He took a seat on the couch and the other officer followed suit.

"Sure, what's up Drake-sempai?" JJ asked innocently smiling.

"Are you alright?" The officer asked.

"What do you mean? Of course I am. Don't I seem fine?" The lavender haired man asked, faltering only slightly.

"Don't lie to me JJ. And, no, you don't seem fine to me. You did a total 180 with your moods and you're acting overly happy. It's an act." Drake bit his lip. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh. JJ's smile had dropped and his eyes were clouding over. "You know, it's okay to be sad, to feel upset…to cry."

At hearing this JJ shook his head 'no' vigorously. "I'm not weak!" The younger insisted, more to himself than Drake, as tears pooled in his lovely eyes.

Seeing his distress, Drake pulled his partner into a tight hug. "You'll always have my shoulder to cry on, JJ." He whispered. JJ smiled as two tears fell.

They sat on the couch, wrapped in each others' arms, for a long time. Even though no other tears fell, neither wanted to move.

As JJ sat in Drake's warm embrace he thought to himself, 'Just once I'll pretend that the arms around me are of the one who loves me…that he loves me. Just this once.'

To Be Continued

1) I had recently been reading Shakespeare's Twelfth Night and the line, "'Tis a vulgar proof that very oft we pity enemies" came to mind. In the book, when Olivia said pity was a step closer to love, Viola spoke this line, which I thought kind of fit in this case.

Author's Note: Ugh…sap. Yes, I know, I ended with them hugging again. Next time I'll try to have a more creative chapter ending. Things are going to pick up again soon, don't you worry. My exams still aren't done and I wasn't planning on updating, but I really wanted that pocky (lol). Thanks to all who continue to review, I love you all to death. Please excuse any spelling errors, I didn't have time to go over it yet.

Kaze Neko Youkai: Thanks a bunch for the review and luck on exams. Believe me, I need all the luck I can get. :)