Azumanga Strangelove

or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime

Part 2

In the large War Room, deep below the Ministry of Defence, surrounded by boards showing the positions of the armed forces, including the planes of the 843rd Bomb Wing, the President and the Chiefs of staff were gathered around a large, round table. General Kaorin looked at President 'Muffley' Yomi: "Everybody's here, President-sama - we are ready to begin."

"Right" the President said, seriously. "General Tomo, what's going on?"

Tomo leaned back, with a face like she was about to tell an exciting story. "About 35 minutes ago General Yukari, the commanding officer of Sakura Air Base, sent orders to the bombers of her wing, which were on airborne alert at the time. It looks like the orders called for the planes to attack their targets inside Russia."

The other attendees at the table looked at each other in shock.

Tomo grinned, and pointed to one of the big boards: "The planes are armed with an average load of 40 megatons of nuclear weapons. This board shows the positions of the planes, and of their targets inside Russia. The airplanes will begin to penetrate Russian radar coverage within about 25 minutes."

Appalled, Yomi stared at Tomo: "How is this possible. I thought that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons!"

Tomo took a piece of chewing gum and nodded: "That's right - and though I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like General Yukari has exceeded her authority..."

"Damn right it does" Yomi growled. "And far more than I had imagined possible!"

Tomo grinned: "Well, maybe you're forgetting the provisions of Attack Plan R?"

Inquiringly, Yomi looked at her.

"Plan R is an emergency plan in which a lower echelon commander may order an attack with nuclear weaponry, if there's been a sneak attack and the normal chain of command has been disrupted. You approved it yourself, Yomi, you must remember..."

Yomi groaned, and rubbed her forehead.

"The idea was that even if the enemy should knock out the government, including you, Yomi, in a sneak attack" Tomo continued complacently, "he wouldn't escape a retaliatory attack..."

"Then why haven't you sent counterorders to the planes?" Yomi angrily demanded.

Tomo shrugged: "Well, one of the provisions of Plan R provides that, once the attack order has been received, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, the planes will only accept new orders if they are preceded by the correct code prefix."

"You're telling me that you're unable to recall the planes!" Yomi shouted, in a mix of disbelief and anger.

"Well..." Tomo said. "We've started to transmit all possible letter combinations to the planes, but since there are close to 12 million permutations, it's gonna take us about 2½ months to try them all..."

"And how soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover?" Yomi asked, trying to suppress her anger.

"Within about 20 minutes" Tomo replied with a grin.

"Are you in contact with General Yukari?"

Tomo shook her head. "Yukari-chan cut all communications with the base, shortly after having phoned SAC Headquarters. I have a transcript of the conversation if you'd like to hear it?"

Yomi nodded gloomily.

Tomo pulled out a piece of paper and began reading it out: "The officer on duty asked Yukari if she really did order an attack, and she responded: 'Yup, they're on their way, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life I suggest you get the rest of SAC airborne. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by red retaliation! My girls'll give you the best kind of start: 1400 megaton worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now!'" Tomo grinned. "'So let's get going - there's no other choice! We shall prevail through the purity of our precious beer and sake. Banzai!'"

"And then she hung up" Tomo concluded. "We're still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase..."

Yomi banged her hand on the table: "There's nothing to figure out" she angrily snarled. "Obviously, Yukari's gone psychotic!" She breathed in deeply. "Tomo, when you instituted the human reliability tests you assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occuring!"

Tomo looked at her in displease: "Aw, Yomi - it's not fair to condemn the whole program because of a single slip up..."

Trembling from suppressed anger, Yomi slowly counted to ten. "Let me speak to Yukari" she finally said.

Tomo shrugged: "I'm afraid that's impossible..."

In a single leap Yomi was next to her, choking her with both hands: "Screw you and your opinion on what is and isn't possible!"

Colonel Chihiro and General Kaorin rushed to the couple and separated them. Panting, Yomi went back to her chair. "Kaorin, do we have any army units stationed near Sakura Air Base?" she asked.

"One moment, I'll check" Kaorin responded, and started looking through a ring-binder on the table. "It looks like the 23rd Airborne Division is stationed 7 miles from Sakura" she said after a few moments of reading.

"Yosh!" Yomi said resolutely. "Kaorin, I want them to enter the base, locate General Yukari, and put her in immediate telephone contact with me!"

"Hai!" Kaorin said and picked up a phone.

"Yomi, if I may advise " Tomo said while rubbing her sore throat. "Under condition red it is standard procedure that the base is sealed off, and defended by the base security troops. Anyone trying to enter would certainly suffer very heavy casualties..."

"General Tomo" Kaorin contemptuously remarked. "With all due respect for your defence team, our troops can brush them aside without too much trouble..."

Ignorering her, Tomo leaned towards Yomi. "Yomi, there's one or two points I'd like to make if I may!"

Yomi nodded.

"One: Our hopes of recalling the 843rd Bomb Wing are very quickly being reduced to a very low order of probability" Tomo said, raising her finger. "Two: In less than 15 minutes from now the Ruskies will be making radar contact with the planes. Three: When they do, they're gonna go absolutely ape, and they're gonna strike back with everything they've got!" Tomo looked at the others gathered around the table. "Four: If, prior to this time, we have done nothing further to suppress their retaliatory capabilities, we will suffer virtual annihilation!"

Tomo leaned back and smirked: "Five: If, on the other hand, we were to immediately launch an all-out and coordinated attack on all their air fields and missile bases, we'd stand a damned good chance of catching them with their pants down!"

She jumped up and, raising her fist in confidence of victory, leaned over the table towards Yomi: "Hell, we already have missile superiority! We could easily assign three missiles to every target, and still have a reserve force left!"

Quickly she opened a ring-binder in front of her and grinned triumphantly: "Six: An unofficial study, which we undertook of this eventuality, indicates that we would destroy 90 of their nuclear capabilities. We will therefore prevail and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian casualties from their remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated!"

"Tomo, it's the avowed policy of our country never to strike first with nuclear weapons!" Yomi angrily retorted.

Tomo shook her head and smiled wryly: "Yomi, Yukari-chan has already invalidated that policy!"

"That was not an act of national policy" Yomi snubbed her. "We still have alternatives open to us!"

"We are rapidly approaching the moment of truth" Tomo retorted, a hint of vexation in her voice. "Now, truth isn't always a pleasant thing - but it is necessary now to make a choice" she went on, and thumped the table. "To choose between two admittedly regretable but nevertheless distinguishable post war environments: One where you've got 20 million people killed, and the other where you've got a 180 million people killed!"

"You're talking about mass murder, Tomo!" Yomi said with indignation.

Tomo shook her head in pity: "Yomi, I'm not saying this is an easy solution" - a broad grin appeared on her face - "but I do say, no more than 10 to 20 million killed - tops!"

Yomi jumped up and pointed enraged at Tomo: "I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolf Hitler!" she shouted.

Tomo frowned. "Perhaps it might be better, Yomi, if you were more concerned with the people of this nation than with your image in the history books..."

"Shut up, baka (1)!" Yomi foamed.

"President-sama, the ambassador is waiting upstairs" Colonel Chihiro broke in.

"Yosh" Yomi said, and checked her anger. "Have her come down immediately."

"Hai!" Chihiro replied, and relayed the message on the phone.

"Is that the Russian ambassador you're talking about?" Tomo asked in disbelief.

Yomi nodded with annoyance.

Tomo could hardly believe her ears: "Are you letting the Russian ambassador enter the War Room?"

"Yes, baka" Yomi snarled. "She's here on my orders..."

Tomo shook her head: "You're calling me baka! Are you aware of how serious a breach of security that would be?" She pointed to the boards surrounding the table: "She'll see everything!"

"That's just the idea, baka!" Yomi snarled, and turned towards Chihiro: "Get the Russian Premier on the hot line!"

The door to the War Room opened, and in came a small figure, apparantly no more than 12 years old. Her brown hair was arranged in a couple of pigtails, and she flashed a very cute smile: Ambassador Chiyo Mihama. "Konbanwa, minna-san (2)" she said happily and bowed.

"Hi Chiyo-chan" Yomi said and smiled at her, though her smile seemed somewhat forced. "Come on in."

Tomo glared at her like she was the devil incarnate and drew back: "Aaaaa - she's so cute!" she shouted. "You're not going to trick me with that cuteness of yours!"

Chiyo-chan pouted and, ostentatiously ignoring the girl, marched to Yomi, who glared angrily at Tomo.

"President-sama" Chihiro said. "We're getting the Russian Premier on the line."

Yomi turned towards her, and was just about to pick up the phone, when she heard a loud 'smack'. She turned around and saw Tomo repeatedly hitting Chiyo-chan on the head, while she small girl whimpered protests and tried in vain to protect herself.

"Your cuteness is just a front - but I won't be tricked!" Tomo shouted.

Enraged, Yomi rushed over and intervened: "Dammit, you can't fight in here - this is the War Room!"

XXXXXXXX

Quiet and nervous, Nyamo sat looking at Yukari, who still sat behind her desk with a grin and knocked back beer. A few moments ago she had heard gunshots, and now machine gun fire and explosions could be heard outside. Evidently a battle was under way on the base. Worriedly, Nyamo glanced at her watch.

XXXXXXXX

President Yomi and Chiyo-chan both had a phone in their hand. "Please tell your Premier where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I say anything that's not true, but please don't tell any more than that..." Yomi asked the small, cute girl.

After Tomo's assault on her, Chiyo-chan still pouted.

"Chiyo-chan, onegai shimasu (3)!" Yomi pleaded.

"Hai" Chiyo-chan sighed, and started talking on the phone. Half a minute later she was smiling again, and said to Yomi: "I've done as you asked."

Yomi gripped the phone tightly, and cautiously said: "Moshi moshi ... How are you? ... I'm fine, thank you! ... Now then, you know how we've talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb? You know, the Hydrogen Bomb!"

Yomi glanced at the others around the table, all of which were listening in with bated breath.

"Now, what happened is that one of our base commanders went a little... funny... in her head, and... she went and did a silly thing ... Well, I'll tell you what she did: She ordered her planes" - Yomi swallowed hard - "to attack your country ... Please, let me finish!"

Gradually, Yomi's voice became more and more angry: "Listen, how do you think I feel about it? Why do you think I'm calling you - just to say hello? ... Of course I like to speak to you! ... Not just now, but anytime! ... I'm just calling you to tell something terrible has happened ... Of course it's a friendly call, baka!"

Yomi breathed in deeply, and glanced at the boards which clearly showed the movement of the bombers towards their targets. "They will not reach their targets in at least another hour ... Yes, I'm positive ... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador, and it's not a trick! ... Well, I'll tell you: We'd like to give your Air Staff a complete rundown of the flight plans and defensive systems of the planes ... Well, if we're unable to recall the planes - we'll just have to help you destroy them..."

Appalled, Tomo stared at Yomi.

"I know they're our girls! ... Now, who should we call? ... The People's Central Air Defence Headquarters? ... In Omsk? ... Oh, you'll call them first?"

Yomi tiredly rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry too! ... All right, you're sorrier than I am - but I'm sorry as well! ... I am as sorry as you are - don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are! ... So we're both sorry, all right! ... Yes, she's right here - she wants to talk to you..."

Yomi nodded at Chiyo-chan. The girl smiled and again started talking on the phone. Gradually, her facial expression turned from cheerful cuteness to panicked terror, and her fear infected the others who looked at her inquiringly. Finally she hung up.

"What?" Yomi inquired.

"Aaaargh! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" Chiyo-chan whined horror-struck, and frantically flapped her arms.

"What's the matter Chiyo-chan?" the concerned Yomi asked.

"The... The Doomsday Machine..." Chiyo-chan whimpered.

"The Doomsday Machine? What is that?" Yomi asked, anxiously.

"A device which will destroy all human and animal life on Earth!" Chiyo-chan replied in a trembling voice.

"All human and animal life?" Yomi exclaimed frightened.

Tomo just shook her head incredulously and smirked.

XXXXXXXX

Nyamo was still sitting in the sofa. She nervously regarded Yukari, who by now had stood up and was pacing back and forth in the office, a glass of beer in one hand and a bottle in the other. Meanwhile, the shooting outside went on unabated.

All of a sudden, Yukari sat down in the sofa next to Nyamo, and threw her feet on the table. With a grin, she took a draught from her glass, and put her arm around Nyamo. "Nyamo!" she suddenly said and stared at her, surprisingly earnest.

"Yes, Yukari?"

"Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of beer or sake?" Yukari asked.

Nyamo gaped at her, dumbfounded, and barely managed to shake her head.

"Vodka" Yukari went on. "That's what they drink, isn't it? Vodka - never beer or sake?"

Nyamo stared at her, nodding slowly. She swallowed hard and stammered: "Yukari - wh-what are you getting at?"

"Beer and sake - that's what I'm getting at!" Yukari stated, and stared intently back at Nyamo. "Beer and sake is the source of our life! And as human beings you and I need pure beer and sake to subsist!"

Nyamo fidgeted, and chuckled nervously.

"You understand what I'm saying?" Yukari asked her, deeply serious.

Nyamo nodded, while making faces to keep from breaking out in hysterical laughter.

Just then a machine gun burst shattered the window. Yukari jumped to her feet and excitedly yelled: "That's nice shooting, soldier!" Another burst hit the ceiling lamp, making the room almost completely dark. "Come and get me!" Yukari shouted, and emptied her glass of beer. Then she tossed glass and bottle aside, went to a closet and opened it, and pulled out a machine gun. She swept her desk clean of papers, pulled belts of ammunition from a drawer, and placed the machine gun on the desk.

"Nyamo!" she called. "Get over here and help me with this belt!"

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room a despairing Chiyo-chan explained: "When the Doomsday Machine is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the Earth will be as dead as the Moon!"

Tomo laughed scornfully: "That's ridiculous! Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks!"

Gloomily, Chiyo-chan looked at her: "You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G..."

"What's that?" Tomo asked.

"Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of 93 years" Chiyo-chan whimpered. "If you take, like, 50 H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a Doomsday shroud: A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the Earth for 93 years!"

"Bah!" Tomo shouted in defiance, pointing at Chiyo-chan. "Sounds like a load of bull!"

Irritated, Yomi biffed Tomo on the head, and turned towards Chiyo-chan: "I don't quite understand this, Chiyo-chan. Is your Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?"

"Oh no, Yomi" Chiyo-chan replied, tears in her eyes. "No sane person would do such a thing! The Doomsday Machine is designed to trigger itself automatically!"

Appalled, Yomi stared at her: "Can't you disarm it?"

Chiyo-chan shook her head in sadness: "It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it..."

"This is insane!" Yomi shouted, infuriated. "Why would you ever build such a thing?"

Chiyo-chan sighed: "There were those among us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race - and the peace race... Our Doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defence in a single year." She gazed accusatorily at Yomi: "But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a Doomsday gap!"

"That's ridiculous!" Yomi exclaimed in disbelief. "I've never approved of anything like that!" She peered to a corner of the room: "Strangelove-sensei (4) - do we have anything like that in the works?"

"A moment please, President-sama" an eerie voice came from the shadows. Forth stumped a lanky figure, wearing a crumpled suit and a loosened tie. The glasses were big, round and fogged up, and the jaw hung down limply: Kimura 'Strangelove'-sensei.

He headed straight for Chiyo-chan who stared at him, terrified. His neck gave a loud 'crack' as he leaned his head on one side: "Gaaaaa... kawaii (5)!" he screamed, staring at Chiyo-chan, who recoiled in fear.

"Answer my question, baka!" Yomi angrily demanded.

"Eeeeh?" Kimura gawked at her, open-mouthed.

"The Doomsday Machine?" Yomi repeated with impatience.

Kimura straightened up his head with another 'crack'. "Ah yes..." he said. "Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned last year a study of this project. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious..."

Yomi gazed at him with bated breath. "Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?"

Kimura gawked back at her. "The technology required is easily within the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so..."

"But, how can it be triggered automatically, and at the same time be impossible to untrigger?" Yomi asked, umcomprehending.

"Ah, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine!" An excited look gradually appeared on Kimura's face. "Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday Machine is terrifying. It's quite simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing."

"Gee, I wish we had one of them Doomsday Machines!" Tomo whispered in fascination to Chihiro who stared at her, flabbergasted.

"How can it be triggered automatically, sensei?" Yomi inquired.

"Well, it's remarkably simple to do that" the pervert said. "When you merely wish to bury bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a computer network. Then, a specific and clearly defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into the computers..."

"Why is his nickname 'Strangelove'?" Tomo whispered to Chihiro.

"It used to be 'Henteko Koi'(6)" Chihiro whispered back. "But then he changed it..."

Kimura again turned towards Chiyo-chan: "But... the whole point of the Doomsday Machine... is lost... if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?"

"It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday" Chiyo-chan whimpered. "As you know, the Premier loves surprises..."

XXXXXXXX

At Sakura Air Base the fight raged unabated. From her office a grinning Yukari fired the machine gun out the window, with Nyamo reluctantly kneeling by her side and feeding the ammo belts for the machine gun.

"Ah ha ha! Let's show those bastards!" Yukari excitedly laughed.

Another machine gun burst shattered what little glass in the room remained undamaged. "Yukari!" Nyamo said with concern. "Don't you think we should find a safer place?"

"Banzai!" Yukari shouted and once again pulled the trigger.

After a couple of minutes of more shooting, cries of surrender could be heard outside, and the battle noise died down. "Our troops must have surrendered..." Yukari said, disappointed.

Nyamo nodded hopefully. "Yukari, I beg you, while there's still time, let's recall the Wing!"

Yukari threw the machine gun down, and went to the miraculously undamaged bar cabinet. She grabbed a bottle of beer, opened it and downed half of it in one draught. "Those spineless bastards!" she shouted, furiously. "They let me down..."

"Not at all" Nyamo tried to reassure her. "I'm sure they did their best for you!"

Yukari took another draught from her bottle, and then paused for a moment. "In a few moments those pigs outside are coming here - for me..." she said in a flat voice. "I guess they're gonna give me a pretty good going over... Maybe they'll even... torture me..."

"Torture you?" Nyamo exclaimed. She paused for a moment, then nodded gloomily. "Yeah, maybe they will..."

Yukari swallowed hard. "I don't know how well I could stand up under torture..."

"Then why not just give the code to me, your best friend?" Nyamo asked, a small hopeful smile on her face. "And when they come - we'll fight them together!"

Yukari shook her head, and with weary steps went to the bathroom.

"Ah, you're going to do a little wash and brush up?" Nyamos smile became more forced. "Always got to look your best, eh?"

Yukari closed the door to the bathroom.

"Now... how about you and I play a little guessing game?" Nyamo suggested hopefully. "I'll try and guess what the code is..."

A shot was heard from the bathroom. Nyamo ran to the door and tried to push it open, but something blocked it. Putting her shoulder to the door, she managed to open it enough to peek inside. "Oh, Yukari!" she said, as tears filled her eyes.

XXXXXXXX

(1) Baka: Idiot/Fool

(2) Konbanwa, minna-san: Good evening, everyone

(3) Onegai shimasu: Please

(4) Sensei: Dr./Professor/Teacher

(5) Kawaii: Cute

(6) Henteko Koi: Literally 'Strange Love', according to an online dictionary, and my own guess at which expressions of 'strange' and 'love' were most appropriate