Azumanga Strangelove

or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Anime

Part 3

The B-52 was well on its way to its target deep inside Siberia.

"I'm ready with the fuel figures now" Sakaki said. "We have 109,000 total, which works out to roughly 7 hours 15 minutes endurance for this time."

Osaka stared thoughtfully out the windshield. "How can fuel have a figure? I mean, isn't it fluid?"

Sakaki sweatdropped, but then a beeping from the instruments attracted her attention. "Osaka-san, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles. Approximate speed: Mach 3. Looks like a missile tracking us!"

"Huh?" Osaka shook her head, causing the pigtails to swing wildly, and looked inquiringly at her.

"Confirmed, definite missile track. Commence evasive action to the right..." Sakaki stated in a serious voice.

Slowly, Osaka forced the plane into a turn to the right.

"Missile still closing range. Distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive action."

The large plane continued banking.

"ECM locked to target intercept mode" Sakaki proceeded. "Missile still tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action."

She looked to the rear at Chiyo-dad, who smiled at her and waved encouragingly.

"Missile tracking steady and closing distance. Range: 30 miles."

Sakaki glanced at Osaka who looked as resolute as ever (though the pigtails spoiled the impression somewhat). Apparantly she had difficulties controlling the plane, but she managed to force it to continue banking.

"Missile still tracking steady. Range: 20 miles. Continue evasive action" Sakaki said, nervously.

"Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting. Continue evasive action" she proceeded with increasing arousal. "Deflection increasing. Range: 8 miles. Deflection still increasing. Range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting. Range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles. Missile still deflecting. Range: 1 mile. Missile detonated!"

A flash in front of the plane illuminated the cockpit, and for a moment the two pilots were blinded. A split second later the plane was hit by a shock wave that shook everything violently, and bounced them in their seats. Several alarms broke out, including the fire alarm. Sakaki looked around the cockpit and saw that several instruments were on fire. She jumped to her feet, grabbed a fire extinguisher and began putting out the fire.

Meanwhile, Osaka tried intensely to regain control of the plane which, subsequent to the explosion, had entered a steep dive. The plane rolled violently, and several engines had stopped. "Pigtails, help me fly!" she muttered.

And at last, while Sakaki was almost done putting out the fires, Osaka regained control of the plane: They flew low, but straight and level. Osaka and Sakaki smiled at each other with relief.

XXXXXXXX

Nyamo stared at Yukari's desk. In front of her was a piece of paper filled with doodles, and the word 'Kirin'(2) written repeatedly. Surrounding it were shards from several beer bottles. "Kirin?" Nyamo mumbled to herself.

Just then, two shots were heard, and the door to the office was kicked open. Enter paratrooper Colonel 'Guano' Kagura, a smoking carbine in her hand. "Get those hands up" she ordered, pointing to Nyamo with the gun.

"Just what are you doing?" Nyamo angrily exclaimed.

"Get those hands up, I said!"

Hesitatingly, Nyamo raised her hands above her head. "I'm Colonel Nyamo" she said angrily. "General Yukari's executive officer."

"Where's General Yukari?" Kagura demanded.

"In the bathroom, over there" Nyamo replied and pointed. "She's dead!"

Keeping the gun pointed at Nyamo, Kagura peeked into the bathroom. "Ah..." she dryly noted.

"I don't know what you're doing here" Nyamo said angrily, "but I've got a pretty good idea of what the recall code is, and I have to get in touch with SAC Headquarters immediately!"

Unflappable, Kagura regarded her: "Got any witnesses?"

"Witnesses?" Nyamo said in disbelief. "She shot herself!"

"Uh huh?" Kagura didn't look too convinced.

"Look here, Colonel... Kagura" Nyamo said, irritated, as she read the nametag on Kagura's uniform. "I have a very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the recall code is: Kirin! She was always drinking that stuff!"

Kagura ignored Nyamo's prattle and kept the gun pointed at her: "Keep those hands above your head, and start walking."

"Don't you know that General Yukari went insane and sent the Wing to attack the Soviets?" Nyamo furiously shouted.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'll tell you what I'm talking about" Nyamo shouted. "I'm gonna pick up this phone and call SAC... Damned!" Vexed, she threw the phone down. "No connection - probably destroyed by one of you during this stupid fight..."

"All right, I've wasted enough time on you" Kagura said coldly. "I've got a lot of wounded waiting outside. Now start walking!"

Furious, Nyamo went out the room, followed by Kagura.

XXXXXXXX

On the B-52, Sakaki was back in her seat and was in the process of checking if the instruments were still working. "All the radio gear is out" she said. "I think the auto-destruct mechanism got hit and blew itself up."

"What about fuel?" Osaka inquired.

Sakaki looked at the fuel meter and did a bit of math. "We're losing fuel at approximately 162 per minute" she responded. "This gives us a sufficient radius of action to reach primary and secondary target." Sakaki turned pale. "But we won't ve able to make it back to any base or neutral country..." She paused for a second. "Maybe we could ditch in the ocean near one of our ships..."

"Well, three engines are out, we're leaking fuel, and the radio's gone" Osaka said doggedly. "But at least, as long as we keep this height, the Russkies sure ain't gonna spot us on radar!" she added with satisfaction.

XXXXXXXX

"Won't you please listen to me?" Nyamo appealed, a mix of annoyance and desperation in her voice, as she was marched at gunpoint by Kagura.

"Listen, I don't know anything about any planes attacking Russia" Kagura said, slightly peeved. "I was just told to get General Yukari on the phone to the President..."

"Wait a second" Nyamo said, turning around. "You just said 'the President'..."

"What about her?"

"The President wants to speak to General Yukari, doesn't she?" Nyamo asked with impatience. "And General Yukari is dead, right? Then, since I'm General Yukari's executive officer, the President will want to speak to me, eh?" She pointed to a pay phone a few steps away. "There's a telephone right there, and the line may be open..."

"You want to talk to the President?" Kagura said sceptically.

"No, I don't want to talk to her, I've got to talk to her!" Nyamo impatiently shouted. "Please, let me!"

Kagura sighed: "All right then - but I'll keep an eye on you..."

Nyamo rummaged in her pockets. "Damned... I'm a little short of change..." Hopefully, she looked at Kagura: "Have you got any coins?"

Kagura regarded her as if she was a complete imbecile: "What, you think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket?"

Desperately, Nyamo looked around the area and saw a vending machine. "Shoot the lock off that automat" she demanded. "There may be some coins in there..."

Kagura hesitated. "You'd better be right about this..."

"Just shoot it, baka!" Nyamo said, exasperated. "Shoot! With the gun! That's what the bullets are for, dammit!"

Kagura put a couple of holes in the automat, and coins clinked out.

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room, an excited Kaorin spoke on the phone: "I have SAC Headquarters on the line, President-sama" she shouted with joy. "The recall code, 'Kirin', is being acknowledged by elements of the 843rd Bomb Wing."

"Woo hoo" Tomo shouted and danced around. Yomi and Chiyo-chan jumped ecstatically.

"Four planes are reported destroyed by enemy action" Kaorin went on. "All other planes have acknowledged the recall code."

"All is well that ends well" Tomo said with a grin.

"Excuse me, President-sama" Chihiro called in a somber voice. "I've got the Russian Premier on the line again - there seems to be a... problem..."

Yomi grabbed the phone and spoke to the Premier: "What? ... There must be some mistake... No, I'm perfectly certain of that... Just a second..." Perplexed, Yomi looked at the others in the War Room: "It seems that one of the planes hasn't turned back - the one that, according to SAC, was headed for Laputa..."

Tomo shook her head in disbelief and grinned: "Baka! That's impossible! I mean, look at the big board" she said, pointing to the board that showed the planes' positions. "There's 34 planes in the Wing, 30 recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, one of which was headed for Laputa!"

Yomi spoke on the phone again: "Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane except the four you shot down ... Oh... Oh..." Yomi looked at the others. "Now their Air Staff only claims three aircraft confirmed - the fourth may only be damaged..."

Distrustful, Tomo glanced at Chiyo-chan and then at Yomi. "Yomi, I'm beginning to smell a big, fat commie rat... I mean, suppose they're lying about the fourth plane, just looking for an excuse to clobber us!"

Yomi glared at her and picked up the receiver again: "Tell me, if this report is true and the plane manages to bomb the target, is it... is this going to set off the Doomsday Machine? ... Are you sure?" Yomi's face revealed a rapidly growing desperation. "Well, I... I guess you'll just have to get that plane ... Look, I'm sorry they're flying too low for radar detection, but they've been trained to do so... You know, it's called initiative! ... Now, you know exactly where they're going, and I'm sure your entire air defence can stop a single plane ..."

"It's not going to help either one of us if the Doomsday Machine goes off, is it?" Yomi shouted with anger. "Baka! There's no point in you getting hysterical at a moment like this!" Cooling down, she sighed. "I'm just worried, that's all ... Can I... can I give you just one word of advice? ... Just put everything you've got near Laputa and you can't miss!"

XXXXXXXX

"Osaka-san, the fuel leakage has increased" Sakaki said, worriedly. "It is now 205. Remaining fuel is 8790." She glanced at Chiyo-dad behind her, who smiled as always. "So, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we only have 42 minutes of flying time which will not even take us as far as the primary..."

Osaka looked at her severely: "Dammit, Sakaki, you promised we'd get to the primary!"

"Gomen nasai (1)! That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor, not on 205."

"Just get us to the primary" Osaka obstinately demanded.

"Gomen... We'll be lucky just to reach the ocean..."

"Well, shoot!" Osaka said, aggravated. "We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink! What's the nearest target opportunity?"

Sakaki examined the map for a moment. "Well, if the rate of loss doesn't increase, we have a chance to reach the missile complex at Kodlosk, and possibly make it from there to the ocean..."

"Yosh, I'll settle for that..." Osaka said. "Give me a heading as soon as you've got it worked out, will ya?"

XXXXXXXX

In the War Room, Yomi was still talking on the phone: "Well, just do your best - and remember, we're all in this together... Yes, we'll keep the line open..."

Yomi put the receiver down and seriously looked at Tomo: "General Tomo, is there really a chance for that plane to get through?"

Cocksurely, Tomo grinned: "Yomi, the Russkies talk big, but frankly, their bark is worse than their bite. You can't expect such a bunch of bakas to do as well as our girls..."

Affronted, Chiyo-chan glared at her.

"Just answer the question, baka!" Yomi said with annoyance.

Tomo grinned: "Sure... Now, if the pilot's good - I mean, if she's really sharp - she can barrel that baby so low..." Excited, Tomo spread her arms like a pair of wings. "You oughtta see it sometimes, it's a sight! A big plane, like a '52, vrooom! There's jet exhaust, flying chickens in the barnyard!"

"Yeah, but has it got a chance?" Yomi impatiently demanded.

"Has it got a chance?" Tomo yelled ecstatically. "Hell, ye... Oh!" Stupefied, she stared into space as the perspectives dawned on her.

XXXXXXXX

"Approaching target" Sakaki said. "Range: 10 miles."

"Roger!" Osaka replied with firm voice. "Ready for final bomb run check."

"Set bomb fuse to ground burst, delay factor three, zero altitude" Osaka ordered.

"Hai" Sakaki said, and pressed a few buttons.

"Check bomb arming test lights."

"Bomb arming test positive" Sakaki responded.

"Release first safety" Osaka commanded, and Sakaki pressed several switches. "Release second safety" Osaka proceeded.

"Range to target: 8 miles" Sakaki said.

"Open bomb bay doors."

Sakaki pressed a button, without result. She tried again a couple of times. "Uh... Negative on bomb bay doors, Osaka-san!"

"Switch in backup circuits" Osaka ordered.

Sakaki did as ordered, but had no better luck. "Gomen... It doesn't work" she said with a flat voice. "I guess the operating circuits are dead..."

"Damned, what do we do?" Osaka mumbled, staring dejectedly out the windshield.

"Target distance: 6 miles" Sakaki said. She turned to look at the big yellow cat, Chiyo-dad, who as always smiled inscrutably at her. "I'll see what I can do..." he said in his deep voice, and moved towards the hatch to the bomb bay.

"Target distance: 4 miles" Sakaki said, increasingly nervous. She glanced at Osaka, who stared into space.

"Target distance: 3 miles" Sakaki said in an uneasy voice. "Target in sight! Where's Chiyo-dad?"

Just then, an alarm signaled the opening of the bomb bay doors. Osaka immediately snapped out of it, and with a satisfied grin she pressed the release button for the bomb. The plane jumped up with the weight of the bomb gone.

"But, what about Chiyo-dad?" Sakaki said in despair. She glanced out the windscreen, and saw the yellow cat float across the sky, smilingly waving to her.

And then the Sun touched the earth...

XXXXXXXX

Depressed, Yomi sat in the War Room, surrounded by Tomo, Kaorin, Chihiro and Chiyo-chan. Even Tomo looked down.

"President-sama?"

Yomi saw Kimura-sensei standing in front of her, the usual gawking look on his face. "What is it?"

"President-sama, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens" Kimura said in his creepy voice. "It will be quite easy at the bottom of some of our deeper... mineshafts. The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided..."

Sceptically, Yomi gazed at him: "How long would you have to stay down there?"

"Well, let's see now" Kimura replied, pulling out a small note book from his pocket. "Cobalt thorium G... Radioactive half life of... I would think possibly... one hundred years!"

Yomi didn't look very happy: "You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?"

"Certainly!" Kimura stated, leaning his head on one side with a 'crack'. "Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred and slaughtered" he proceeded, in a surprisingly savage tone of voice. "A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But, I would guess that... dwelling space for several hundred thousand of our people could easily be provided..."

Dejected, Yomi stared at the floor. "Well, I... I would hate to decide... who stays up and... who goes down..."

"That would not be necessary, President-sama!" Kimura declared. "It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills."

Doubtful, the others in the room looked at each other.

Tomo leaned towards Yomi, a sly expression on her face: "I think we ought to look at this from a military point of view. I mean, suppose the Russkies stashes away some big bombs - when they come out in a hundred years they could take over!"

Dejectedly, Chiyo-chan shook her head.

"I think it would be extremely naive, Yomi, to imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policy" Tomo proceeded resolutely. "We must be increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking over other mineshaft space!" She jumped to her feet and shouted, her fist in the air: "Yomi, we must not allow a mineshaft gap!"

"President-sama, I have a plan!" Kimura-sensei said, his head still on one side. "It involves lots and lots of kawaii high school girls..."


(1) Gomen nasai/Gomen: Sorry

(2) Kirin: Large Japanese brewery