I'm walking through the Liberty building, the faceless office doors around me are all closed. My hands are empty and I turn back to my office quickly, chiding myself for forgetting my briefcase as I go. The hallway darkens, turning from warm wood paneling to black. The floor starts to get misty, like a chill morning's fog. It registers somewhere in my mind that this isn't reality, but, in the way that dreams run along regardless of logic, I continue.
My office is nearly pitch black, but my briefcase stands out on my desk as if it were glowing. I grab it and and turn to the door. As I reach to shut off the light, I hear something, faint and impossible to place. I shake it off and start walking towards the elevator. Annie will be waiting for me at home. The elevator's just down the way.
Annie's not the first thing on my mind though. For some reason it's Olivia and this time the phantom sound is also identifiable. Someone's crying. I shake off the sound as unreasonable. No one cries in an office building. I keep walking towards the elevator but it just keeps getting father away. All around me the crying gets louder. I jiggle a knob on my left but it's locked. There's a door on my right, but it's locked as well.
These offices shouldn't be locked. They should just be empty. I don't remember there being more doors between me and the elevator but the hallway just keeps getting longer. The crying is all around me, growing louder with every locked door. It's a woman and she's terrified. I have to find her. I can't tell who she is, but I'm struck with the sudden, desperate need to find her.
The hallway goes on forever now and I can't see the end through the mist. The sobbing fills my ears and finally I recognize the voice. Olivia's crying and I have to get to her. I have to help her.
"Gregory? I want Gregory-" My feet thud against the floor as I start to run.
"I need him-" Her sobbing rises in pitch and I can hear the pain behind her sobbing. She's in terrible agony and I can't find her because the hallway just keeps going. My briefcase hits the floor and I keep running. There are doors all around me but all are locked.
"Gregory!"
Her scream's still echoing in my ears as I sit bolt upright in bed. I can hear the rush of my breath out of my chest as my heart races to keep up. My hands are sweating as I clutch the sheets. Even though I'm awake I can't get the sobbing out of my mind. The crying followed me out of the dream and I throw off my blankets to get some fresh air. I throw open the window to the quiet night. It's raining slightly, but even that gentle patter against the leaves in the garden can't drown out the dammed crying. I've never had a nightmare persist so vehemently before.
I try force my logical mind around my dream. I started out at the work. Even my subconscious mind can't get itself out of the office. Hearing Olivia crying was obviously because I'm concerned about her. I've never seen her disappear into her mind like that before. Her eyes were blank. She had that empty stare where she looks right through me. I take a step out onto the balcony and hope the cold rain shocks me back to reality.
Trey is my son. The little boy I've been raising as my grandson is actually my ison/i. Those big blue eyes are Olivia's, not Caitlin's.
"Caitlin had to get a baby because she lost hers." Olivia told me dully as I tried to get her to sleep. "We killed her baby and losing Trey is going to kill her."
I shake her guilt out of my mind. "Caitlin may be our daughter, but he's our second chance Liv." I whisper to the rain as it runs down through my hair. "I'll make you see that."
Rain still gets cold in California, even if the air was hot all day. I rest my elbows on the railing of our balcony and watch the ocean dance against the shore. Our son is alive. The death certificate in my puzzle box is a fake, a lie of my new wife. Olivia springs unbidden to my mind again along with the terrible realization that I've betrayed her. I took into my bed the woman who stole our child. The woman who made me believe our baby was dead and told me the love of my life had killed him.
A shudder of guilt runs up my spine as I realize I've blamed Olivia all this time. I've hated her for a betrayal that was mine alone. I turned my back on her when she needed me. I accused her of murdering our son. No wonder my dreams are haunted by her sobbing. I created this horror. I built this nightmare with my own hands the day I left her alone.
What was I thinking? What could possibly be in my office that was more important than my wife and child? If I had just stayed with her, I'd still have them both. I'd be raising my son with my wife by my side. If only I had been more careful, more involved, more supportive- If I had seen Annie for what she was...
My fist slams into the railing hard enough to throw droplets of water all around me. A shock of pain runs up my arm and I relish it. I embrace the stinging of the angry nerves of my arm. Physical pain has no sway over the agony in my soul. No power over my own guilt.
I should have been there. I should have been home. She needed me to protect her and I ripped her heart out. After all of that, she's still in my bed. She still takes my hand when she's terrified. Olivia still cries my name out in her nightmares. That's what these months have been- a nightmare, that I've only just started to awaken from.
"I'm going to keep my eyes open now Liv." The encompassing black of the sky echoes my heart. I've done this damage. I've caused this pain and it's up to me to set things right. I can only hope I have enough life left to atone for all of my actions.
Small hands grab my arms and try to pull me back out of the downpour. When I refuse to budge, arms wrap around my waist and remain. I feel her head rest warm against my back, keeping the rain from me with her body.
When she shivers in the cold I recognize the feeling of her body. Too soft to be Annie, my body insists it has to be Olivia. I should push her away and remind her that I'm the one who has caused all her pain. I deserve her hatred, the same scorching disdain I treated her with when we were lost. I'm too weak to let her go. I turn around and hold her to my chest, not because she needs to be held, but because I can't stand to be alone.
It doesn't matter that we don't speak. It barely registers to either of us that we don't have anything to say. Right now we need the contact of skin against skin, the comfort of the sound of our heartbeats. Layers of emotion don't matter. Words are meaningless. We need, we beg each other and we answer in the only way we have left. Everything between us is fictional, my women, her men, the screaming and the crying is all part of the our tragedy.
But the curtain's down. The dust is settling and it's only the two of us. I'm trembling and she's still crying. The rain pours down over us as an icy absolution. How many wrongs have to be between two people before they find their right?
Eventually I'm the one who pulls us back inside. Without her I would have stayed outside until dawn, but with her I know better. With her I have purpose. The pajama top I threw over her head is drenched. Leaving her over the tile in the bathroom, I search for something else to dress her in. "Darling, we're going to have to move your clothing back. Wouldn't be right to keep forcing you to borrow." Annie's clothes are wrong for her.
Settling for a towel, I start at Olivia's head and work my way down her body. As I strip my wet shirt up over her head I earn the ghost of a smile. She's only a notch above sleepwalking and she probably won't even remember the kiss I leave on her cheek as I tuck her in. I dump my own sodden clothing in a heap on the bathroom floor. Running a towel over my body, I crawl in next to her. She immediately curls up in my arms. The smooth skin of her back is still cool from the rain but starts to warm against my chest.
This is it. Her hair tumbles damp over my arm, my hands rest on the skin of her stomach, her back presses softly against my chest and I know the one absolute. The truth I've been in search of all my life.
This is where I belong.
