"I can't do this Gregory-" I have to set down my coffee cup because my hands are shaking too much to keep it from spilling over my lap. "If I don't remember what happened enough to tell you and you're my husband-"
He smiles gently, waxing nostalgic as he reaches for my shaking hands. "It's good to hear you say that again."
Sighing, I curl my fingers up beneath his. "It's good to say it out loud." I rest my head on his shoulder. "I have to confess I never stopped thinking it. I had to keep correcting myself, adding the ex."
Gregory lowers his head over mine. "Not anymore." This is so easy for him. He has us both back, but he has no idea how close he is to loosing us. I nearly died in that courtroom. When they told me the little boy I had worried about from the moment I knew I was carrying him was Gregory's son my heart nearly stopped. The lies and the secrecy were pointless because all that time he was the child of the man I love.
Drawing me back to the present, Gregory runs his hand up my arm. "And you can do this Liv."
I pull away, shaking my head slowly. "I can't, I don't remember what happened, as soon as that leech Annie's hired starts attacking me-"
"Cross examining-" He corrects patiently.
"I'll fall apart, she'll make me look like a drunk and a liar." Letting him calm my fears is something I've missed desperately. I wonder if he knows how much as he brushes my hair, and my concerns out of my face.
"You aren't a drunk and you certainly aren't a liar." Gregory's blind support just adds to my guilt. He still doesn't know about Cole and I, and I'll be lying about that until I die. At least I can count on Cole to do the same. He knows as well as I do that the last thing his wife needs to hear now is that we slept together.
"No one on that jury is going to expect your memory to be perfect Liv." He's always been so good at knowing what a jury wants. "By the time Annie's attorney gets to do his cross the DA will have already explained that you were dragged from your home, nine months pregnant and only hours after being taken to the hospital for false labor." Getting up from the sofa, Gregory slips fully into lawyer mode, constructing the DA's case in his mind as he talks.
"You had no business being out of your house at all, but Annie threatened to destroy your daughter's marriage with that pornographic tape of Cole and that slut Jade." His momentary peace with Cole yesterday is already forgotten. "And as soon as you arrived in that forsaken little hovel in the woods, she attacked you, tried to drug you with something she knew nothing about. A substance insidious enough to alter your memory and send you into labor."
Even watching him talk about Annie and that cabin makes my stomach tighten up in a knot of terror. My hands start to sweat as my memories threaten me again. I can feel the sick cold fear settle in my chest but I haven't moved, and he's still thinking out loud.
He's carried away with his own genius. He's dealing with his own turmoil in typical Gregory fashion, beating the rest of the world by being a lawyer. "But instead of calling nine-one-one, your doctor, or even your husband as you begged her do to, she risked your life and the life of your child so she could take that child from your arms moments after he was born-"
"Gregory stop!" My plea drags him out of his imaginary courtroom and back to my side. I can still feel the terrible emptiness of my arms as Annie rips my baby from them. "Please stop. I can't-"
His expression flashes immediately to apologetic. Gregory starts to take my hands, but decides to take my shoulders instead. "He's safe, Junior's upstairs with Sean. His big brother's reading him a story."
"I can't believe he's back." I whisper into his shoulder, wrapping my fingers up in the softness of his old green polo. "I have to keep telling myself it's not a dream."
"Not all dreams are bad," He reminds me as he finds the wedding band on my hand.
"Lately I like being awake." I kiss his hand, grateful a thousand times for his return to my life. "But darling, I'm so worried about this trial. What if I mess it up and she goes free? I don't think I could handle that, after everything that's happened."
"You can handle a lot more than you give yourself credit for." He promises with great sincerity. "You certainly handled me."
I have to leave the sofa, I can't return the look of admiration. I cross the bar, starting to pour a glass of water as he continues to apologize.
"I turned on you when you needed me the most and you survived." The softness in his voice is that same innocence respect that young law student had developed for her so many years ago. "I don't think I would have made it through that."
I set the pitcher down slowly. I have to tell him but the words aren't there. Starting to take a sip of water I stop halfway and set my glass down. "I tried to kill myself."
Nervous, bitter laughter bubbles from my lips. "Twice actually."
The summer heat's gone out of our living room. All I can hear is the faraway thud of my heartbeat. Once I start talking the words come unbidden to my lips. "I thought I killed our baby, you thought I killed our baby and I couldn't live with that. It hurt- I hurt- I just couldn't."
I can picture the sorrow in his face, the stillness that settles over him as the gravity of my words sinks in. "I tried once and Cole stopped me I don't know how he found me, or how he knew, but he wouldn't let me do it." It's like I'm talking about someone else. Surely it was someone else in the grotto with Cole and that drug-laced bottle of champagne.
"I tried to jump on the ship. Got all the way out on the railing before AJ made me come back." That was just months ago, but it was someone else. She had my voice, my body, the same pain in my heart but it couldn't have been me. "Ironic isn't it?"
Water doesn't burn the way I wish it would and I find my eyes on the cabinet below the bar. It's the last thing in the world I need, but I can't turn around and face him. I certainly can't reach for a drink. I walk to the window, putting the sofa between us as a physical representation of the silence. That terrible silence just keeps getting bigger. Growing until it fills the void between us with everything I can't say.
Would it be enough for me just to say that I don't feel that way now? I could turn around and smile at him and tell him everything is fine now. Does that take away how lost I was? Can a kiss promise him that I'll never want to take myself away again? I won't. I can't leave now, both Gregory's need me. I can't think of anything else that would come between us. There's only one skeleton left in my closet and that one is so far back it'll never see the light of day.
I hear the rustle of the leather as he stands up from the sofa. Gregory's still at a loss for words and I can't help thinking I've pushed too far. I was ready to end my life and he didn't know. He didn't let himself see the pain I was in because he was just as lost as I was. Maybe worse because he didn't have the strength to end it. He clings to his pain, pulling it close around his heart like armor. When he's buried his heart deep enough nothing will heart him anymore.
"I hate them both." Gregory admits softly, his voice shattering the void between us. "I've hated AJ for years, hell, I've tried to have Cole killed-" He runs his hand through his hair, that adorable nervous gesture of his, and shudders. "If I had succeeded I'd have lost you."
"I couldn't-" His silver tongue turns to lead in his mouth. "Liv- even when I hated you. I-"
I turn around quickly to save him from admitting what's obviously on his mind. Dropping my water glass as he catches my hand I'm sucked into the pain in his eyes. It shatters as it bounces around my feet, water splashing around the pale blue shards of my glass. It crunches beneath his feet as he grabs me and crushes me against his chest. He's on the brink of tears and the words fall from his lips and shatter just like my glass.
"I can't live in a world that doesn't have you in it." The glass continues to grind into the floor as he moves his feet. My own feet are bare and I don't want to risk slicing them on the glass. Gregory can't look at me. His admission is to the floor, realizing the danger to my feet as he admits the danger I am to his heart.
He guides my feet onto his shoes, like I'm a little girl learning to dance at a wedding. "Stay here." Gregory's nearly smiling now that we have something less serious to talk about. "Wouldn't want you to get hurt."
"You've always done your best to protect me." I promise him as I wrap my arm around the back of his neck. "You should trust that."
He takes a slow step, moving us out of the glass a little. "I don't know how to trust that. Look at what I've done with my life-"
We turn slowly, dancing our way out of the mess. I smile suddenly, filled with a rush of warmth. "I think your life is wonderful and I'm glad I'm part of it."
"Part?" He disagrees with a raised eyebrow. "The center- my soul-"
"You give me too much credit." I slip from his shoes and try to retreat from the intensity of his arms.
Gregory won't let me. "I've never given you enough." He lifts up my chin forcing me to see the tears threatening his deep brown eyes. "But you stayed with me anyway."
I kiss the hand holding my face but Gregory wants more. He draws me in close to his chest. I stop him as he leans in to kiss me, turning the physical to explain what keeps catching in his throat. "Darling, that's what love is."
He laughs softly, and I'm seduced by the mystery of it. Catching my puzzled expression he kisses my cheek and smiles. "You're going to destroy Annie."
I can feel his breath on my face as he finishes his thought. "There's no contest."
