Chapter 5: Complexity
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: I wanted James friendship, and now I can't live without it. I'm trying to stop the love he feels... but I can't help but feel that little ping...
AN: I've decided that I'm not going to put an exact date of stopping time. I'll stop when it's ready. I'll see what I can do with this chapter. Thanks for reviewing!
Complexity
He stared at me, lost for words. I looked away nervously. This was a part of our relationship that needed to be stronger... something I needed to fix.
"This is what we need to talk about..."
"Look—"I silenced him by putting my finger towards his lips.
"I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry you're in so much pain... but please stop. Please stop loving me—"
"I wouldn't even if I could," he interrupted.
"James—"
"Lily—"
"This is what I was afraid of—"
"So you meant to throw my feelings back in my face—?"
"No! I want to be your friend, James. I don't want to be more than friends with you!" He stood up and crossed his arms. "I can't stand us... I can't stand us being like this right now. I'm so sorry James—"
"I'm not," he said, his face softening. "I'm not sorry I fell for the most amazing girl—"—why did I have to blush?—"—in the entire world!"
"There's someone better than me out there, James."
"Look Lily—"
"I don't want you to love me! Do you know how bad I feel? Do you understand?" I wiped a tear away. "Do you understand how I feel, seeing you with your longing looks? I see it everyday. I see that you love me... and I hate that I can't love you back--!"
"You can love me back—"
"No, I can't James. I can't do it."
"But Lily—"
"Please try; please try to get over me."
"Why can't we just go out once—?"
"James!"
"What?! You tell me you want to hang out with me, and be around me, and be my friend! I just want a date—"
"There's a difference between dating and hanging out—"
"Not that I know of."
I stood up rolling my eyes, and regretting the fact that I started this conversation. I couldn't date him. I had been talking everything over in my mind. Everything I was going to say was already planned. But I forgot what I was going to say once I saw those entrancing hazel eyes. Had they always been like that? I've always like blue eyes, but James' eyes are so gorgeous... Wait.... Okay... so they are! That doesn't mean... anything...
"Please?" I begged, as he pulled me into a hug. I sighed into his chest and he curtly agreed.
"Okay, okay," he said almost regrettingly. "I'll try—"
"That's all I ask for."
James let go of me and wished me goodnight. And after the scene I pulled it was so ironic that my dream that night was the kiss replaying over and over again. I woke up the next morning, smiling.
I found myself in a cheery mood the next morning, even though I woke up before the sun. Walking down to the common room, still in my night dress, I saw my four favourite guys talking.
"Came in late last night, Prongs? Was it a girl?" I recognized the voice as Sirius', and I could hear the laughter and the liveliness in his voice.
"I was with Lily," said James.
"Oh... nice."
"You misunderstood—"
"So you're friends again?" asked Sirius. I could see the outlines of Remus and Peter, watching their friends talk, as though there was no other place they'd rather be. I saw James smile and nod, and I heard the boys' congratulations.
"What happened?" asked Remus, finally coming into the conversation; Peter nodded in agreement, saying he too, wondered what had happened. "You two were in pretty bad shape."
"She was crying—"
"Why--?"
"Afraid to lose me—"
"Lose you--?"
"As a friend, mind you," said James, sitting on the couch and holding his head in his hands. I sighed from the stairwell. I wanted to run over there and give him a hug, but that was probably a bad idea. I settled to feeling like shit, when I saw him being miserable.
"Don't get all worked up," said Sirius, placing a comforting hand on James' shoulder.
James started to talk about what we had said, and I decided to stop eavesdropping. Going upstairs quickly, I took a shower, and got dressed. Today was Saturday so I had nothing but extra schoolwork to do; which wasn't much. I came back down to the room, and saw Sirius, Remus and Peter sitting there.
"Where's James?" I asked sitting down next to Remus on couch.
"Shower," answered Sirius, and I nodded. "Can I escort you to breakfast, dear Lillian?"
I laughed, "I'm not too hungry—"
Sirius cleared his throat. "Could I talk to you in private?"
My grinned faded, as I understood what he meant; so I got up and followed him. We left through the portrait hole. When we were a couple corridors away from the common room, he became blunt with me.
"I know you like James."
Thunderstruck I said, "What are you talking about?"
"He told us what happened."
"So?"
"You—"
"I said no to dating him and now I fancy him?" I cut him off, feeling irritable.
"Look Lily, if you just give him a chance—"
"Did he tell you to say that?!" I asked enraged.
"No, and he'd kill me if he found out!"
"Then why are you doing this? I'm perfectly okay with being just friends."
"He's not that bad—"
"I... I can't give him what he needs, okay Sirius! Is that what you want to hear?"
He looked at me. I was surprised I had even said that. Okay, so it was true. James wasn't what I thought he'd be. He was better. He was great. He needed and deserved better. He deserved more than I could ever give him.
"What the bloody 'ell are you going on about?"
I took a deep breath. How do I tell Sirius? How do I tell anyone? More importantly, will he tell James? There are two ways to look at this: good and bad (How very original of me). Good: if James knows, he may back off... then again he might go all crazy and tell me I'm perfect the way I am. Bad: He might go all crazy, and think I'm suicidal... or deranged and never want to talk to me again. Each unlikely in its own way.
"Look," I sighed, then whispered, "I'm not good enough for James."
"Excuse me?!"
"And even if I was... I don't have those feelings for him."
"Lily, you don't understand. You need to give James a chance... you need to understand that he loves you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You need to know what he says—"
"And you need to shut up, Padfoot."
Sirius and I turned around to see James, leaning against the wall, as though he had been there for a good time. Which, I reminded myself, he probably had been.
A/N: I had a hard time thinking of part of this chapter. Sorry, guys. Here's more. Please read and review. Thanks.
MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: I wanted James friendship, and now I can't live without it. I'm trying to stop the love he feels... but I can't help but feel that little ping...
AN: I've decided that I'm not going to put an exact date of stopping time. I'll stop when it's ready. I'll see what I can do with this chapter. Thanks for reviewing!
Complexity
He stared at me, lost for words. I looked away nervously. This was a part of our relationship that needed to be stronger... something I needed to fix.
"This is what we need to talk about..."
"Look—"I silenced him by putting my finger towards his lips.
"I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry you're in so much pain... but please stop. Please stop loving me—"
"I wouldn't even if I could," he interrupted.
"James—"
"Lily—"
"This is what I was afraid of—"
"So you meant to throw my feelings back in my face—?"
"No! I want to be your friend, James. I don't want to be more than friends with you!" He stood up and crossed his arms. "I can't stand us... I can't stand us being like this right now. I'm so sorry James—"
"I'm not," he said, his face softening. "I'm not sorry I fell for the most amazing girl—"—why did I have to blush?—"—in the entire world!"
"There's someone better than me out there, James."
"Look Lily—"
"I don't want you to love me! Do you know how bad I feel? Do you understand?" I wiped a tear away. "Do you understand how I feel, seeing you with your longing looks? I see it everyday. I see that you love me... and I hate that I can't love you back--!"
"You can love me back—"
"No, I can't James. I can't do it."
"But Lily—"
"Please try; please try to get over me."
"Why can't we just go out once—?"
"James!"
"What?! You tell me you want to hang out with me, and be around me, and be my friend! I just want a date—"
"There's a difference between dating and hanging out—"
"Not that I know of."
I stood up rolling my eyes, and regretting the fact that I started this conversation. I couldn't date him. I had been talking everything over in my mind. Everything I was going to say was already planned. But I forgot what I was going to say once I saw those entrancing hazel eyes. Had they always been like that? I've always like blue eyes, but James' eyes are so gorgeous... Wait.... Okay... so they are! That doesn't mean... anything...
"Please?" I begged, as he pulled me into a hug. I sighed into his chest and he curtly agreed.
"Okay, okay," he said almost regrettingly. "I'll try—"
"That's all I ask for."
James let go of me and wished me goodnight. And after the scene I pulled it was so ironic that my dream that night was the kiss replaying over and over again. I woke up the next morning, smiling.
I found myself in a cheery mood the next morning, even though I woke up before the sun. Walking down to the common room, still in my night dress, I saw my four favourite guys talking.
"Came in late last night, Prongs? Was it a girl?" I recognized the voice as Sirius', and I could hear the laughter and the liveliness in his voice.
"I was with Lily," said James.
"Oh... nice."
"You misunderstood—"
"So you're friends again?" asked Sirius. I could see the outlines of Remus and Peter, watching their friends talk, as though there was no other place they'd rather be. I saw James smile and nod, and I heard the boys' congratulations.
"What happened?" asked Remus, finally coming into the conversation; Peter nodded in agreement, saying he too, wondered what had happened. "You two were in pretty bad shape."
"She was crying—"
"Why--?"
"Afraid to lose me—"
"Lose you--?"
"As a friend, mind you," said James, sitting on the couch and holding his head in his hands. I sighed from the stairwell. I wanted to run over there and give him a hug, but that was probably a bad idea. I settled to feeling like shit, when I saw him being miserable.
"Don't get all worked up," said Sirius, placing a comforting hand on James' shoulder.
James started to talk about what we had said, and I decided to stop eavesdropping. Going upstairs quickly, I took a shower, and got dressed. Today was Saturday so I had nothing but extra schoolwork to do; which wasn't much. I came back down to the room, and saw Sirius, Remus and Peter sitting there.
"Where's James?" I asked sitting down next to Remus on couch.
"Shower," answered Sirius, and I nodded. "Can I escort you to breakfast, dear Lillian?"
I laughed, "I'm not too hungry—"
Sirius cleared his throat. "Could I talk to you in private?"
My grinned faded, as I understood what he meant; so I got up and followed him. We left through the portrait hole. When we were a couple corridors away from the common room, he became blunt with me.
"I know you like James."
Thunderstruck I said, "What are you talking about?"
"He told us what happened."
"So?"
"You—"
"I said no to dating him and now I fancy him?" I cut him off, feeling irritable.
"Look Lily, if you just give him a chance—"
"Did he tell you to say that?!" I asked enraged.
"No, and he'd kill me if he found out!"
"Then why are you doing this? I'm perfectly okay with being just friends."
"He's not that bad—"
"I... I can't give him what he needs, okay Sirius! Is that what you want to hear?"
He looked at me. I was surprised I had even said that. Okay, so it was true. James wasn't what I thought he'd be. He was better. He was great. He needed and deserved better. He deserved more than I could ever give him.
"What the bloody 'ell are you going on about?"
I took a deep breath. How do I tell Sirius? How do I tell anyone? More importantly, will he tell James? There are two ways to look at this: good and bad (How very original of me). Good: if James knows, he may back off... then again he might go all crazy and tell me I'm perfect the way I am. Bad: He might go all crazy, and think I'm suicidal... or deranged and never want to talk to me again. Each unlikely in its own way.
"Look," I sighed, then whispered, "I'm not good enough for James."
"Excuse me?!"
"And even if I was... I don't have those feelings for him."
"Lily, you don't understand. You need to give James a chance... you need to understand that he loves you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You need to know what he says—"
"And you need to shut up, Padfoot."
Sirius and I turned around to see James, leaning against the wall, as though he had been there for a good time. Which, I reminded myself, he probably had been.
A/N: I had a hard time thinking of part of this chapter. Sorry, guys. Here's more. Please read and review. Thanks.
MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus
