Chapter 29: Denial and Secrets

A/N: Thanks to all who have reviewed! Review some of my stories, please?! I mean... My birthday is this Friday, June 25th! Please give me birthday presents by reviewing! I'm turning fourteen! Lol Finally!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Denial and Secrets


The tears and the rain ran down his cheek to the point where I was unable to distinguish the difference between the two. Sirius pulled him into a hug and I could hear James sob loudly on Sirius' shoulder. I ran across the lawn, not looking back. When I reached the group of friends I was immediately pulled into a hug by Dorcas. I cried softly on her shoulder while Edgar, John and Amelia looked between the group of us. Edgar pulled Amelia into a hug, and John patted her on the back slightly. Meanwhile, I saw Remus and Peter look at each other hesitantly before turning to look at the pair hugging in the rain.

I let go of Dorcas only to be pulled into a hug by John. I sat in his arms trying to calm myself down. I coughed loudly and he started rubbing my back in a manner much like the one he used with Amelia. Slowly, but surely Sirius threw his arm around James' shoulder and helped him walk back towards the covered area; thunder booming and lightning striking all the while. I didn't immediately let go of John's hug when James walked towards us. But James pulled me away and kissed me hard on the lips. I pulled away, holding him tightly against me; while he rested his chin on the top of my head.

The Marauders shared brief hugs before James let me go, walking towards my friends. Sirius pulled me into a short hug and I hugged him back forcefully. Amelia and Dorcas all hugged James hesitantly before kissing him on the cheek. A little confrontation came next between John, Edgar and James. I hugged my arms to my chest as we walked up into the castle. However, James entwined his fingers with mine as we walked up the stone steps. Nobody spoke, nobody smiled, nobody cried.
Three days later James and I were sitting in the common room with our friends. Well... no exactly. James and I were snogging in the corner and our friends were talking silently. I suppose they were used to James and I snogging as of late. We had done it a lot, I'll admit. He pulled himself on top of me and continued kissing my lips; when he started moving his hands to take off my shirt I pulled away.

"James," I whispered. "James!" Everyone looked over at us as I yelled James name and he stopped. "Not here."

"Let's go up to my old dorm then," he suggested, picking me off the couch.

I stared. "I... I'll be up in a minute. I've got to tell Dorcas."

"That we're upstairs doing stuff?" he asked quietly.

"That we'll be upstairs, I won't say more. Wait for me up there," I whispered kissing him softly.

When I walked over towards the group James hopped up the stairs three at a time. I plopped myself down on the couch, trying to flatten my hair.

"Done snogging?" inquired Dorcas.

I shook my head. "We're going upstairs. He's waiting."

Dorcas looked away. "What are you doing here, then?" asked Sirius for her.

"Just needed a breather," I insisted, running a hand through my hair.

"He's using you, you know?" said Dorcas turning to look at me.

"Excuse me?!"

"He's taking advantage of you. He wants you to make up for his feeling of betrayal and loss."

"He's not taking advantage of me! What right do you have to say that?"

"All you do is snog, Lily!" yelled Dorcas.

"He needs me!" I yelled back.

"He's taking advantage!"

"I don't think you'd be saying that if Sirius had his tongue down your throat!" I yelled, standing up and walking towards the stairs.

"FINE! Don't listen to me! But don't come back crying when you realize I'm right! He! Is! Using! You!" she yelled back.

"He's not using me, nor is he taking advantage of me!" I said trying to calm myself down. "Just leave us alone."

She made an indignant noise before running out of the portrait hole. Sirius was at a loss of what to do; so he just ran out after her. I rolled my eyes walking back up the stairs where James was waiting when I walked in. He locked to door and then pushed me against it kissing me hard again. I kissed back closing my eyes and pretending not to have Dorcas' conversation run through my mind.

As James pulled me back towards the bed he unbuttoned my shirt kissing my bare shoulders softly but hungrily. I stared at the ceiling as he kissed my neck. When he reached back up to kiss me fully on the lips I didn't exactly kiss back. He stopped and while breathing heavily, he looked at me. I stared up into his eyes running my hand through his hair.

"What?" he asked softly and when I didn't answer he yelled. "WHAT!?"

I looked away. "Nothing."

"Then why aren't you kissing back? What's wrong?" Tears were coming out of his eyes now and I wiped them away.

"Nothing... I just think we should talk."

"There's nothing to talk about!" he replied, leaning down to kiss my chest. I rolled my eyes and sat up; he missed this time and kissed my stomach. He then looked up at me, running and hand through his hair.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked solemnly while sitting up. "The fact that everyone in my life is dying? Getting picked off one by one? My fear that you'll be next?"

I looked up at him, feeling tears creep up ready to fall. "I'm right here though."

"Lily you're right in the middle of all of it," he said shaking his head. "You're the one that's spying for Dumbledore, recruiting people, making observations nobody else makes!"

"So?"

"You're surrounded by this war! What if you were right? What if Snape is a Death Eater and they went to attack my father yesterday? What if those were Death Eaters in Hogsmeade and one finds out that Dumbledore's spy has spotted them?!"

"Then I'll have made the effect... I'll have made the difference I have been wanting to make."

"You're putting yourself in so much danger, Lily," he said wiping his own tear away.

"James," I said holding a hand to his face. "Your mum wasn't in the Order, neither was your father. That never stopped them from being in Voldemort's wrath—"

"No kidding," he said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," I said pulling his head to my shoulder. "I'm sorry for wanting to be outgoing! I'm sorry for putting us all at risk! I'm sorry for everything!"

James sat up. "It's not that," he replied leaning up to kiss me. "It's that I can't help. I can't do it with you. You have to do it by yourself. You have to be your own person. You have to go undercover by yourself..."

"And you're afraid for me," I finished for him.

"Of course I am," he replied, pulling me closer to him and started kissing me.

"James..."

"Come on... just kiss me," he begged throwing himself on top of me.

"Why are you kissing me?"

"Because I love you..."

'He's taking advantage...' Dorcas' voice rang through my head. I shook my head, pulling away from James. He looked up questioningly at me. I pulled my shirt off the chair and threw it on me running out the door. I didn't really care at the wolf calls I had gotten when I ran down stairs with a half buttoned shirt on. James came stumbling after me pulling his pants up as he walked down the stairs.

"Lily!"

"What?" I asked turning around.

"Listen to me," he said loudly. I turned away rolling my eyes. "At least button your shirt up then."

"Oh, did Potter get shot down?" taunted someone from across the room.

James looked around. "Who said that?"

"Potter can't even get some from Evans!" taunted some from the other side of the room. James and I looked around for the person. "I'll do the job if you can't Potter."

I stared around the room utterly upset with whoever was talking about me like that.

"Who are you?!" he yelled.

"Evans! Nice knockers!"

James shot a look at me before pulling me towards him protectively. "Stop talking about my girlfriend like that or I'll kick your ass—"

"Nice threat, Potter. Sorry that you can't pop Evans' cherry!" someone shouted.

I looked around the common room; there must have been every Gryffindor in the tower listening to us or looking... some on the stairs, most in the common room itself.

"I bet she's already shagged someone! I've heard she's easy—"

"Who is saying that?!" yelled James taking out his wand. When nobody spoke he threw a hex in the direction he thought the insults were coming from. A first year fell stiff to the ground. I pulled James arm, stopping him from cursing anyone else.

"Just stop James," I said quietly.

"Lily? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't ask me what the hell is wrong with me!" I yelled. "Don't swear at me! You're so rude to me!"

"How am I rude to you?"

I looked away, thinking about how incredibly unfair I was being. James was now an orphan and I'm sitting here yelling at him for kissing me and defending me. I buttoned my shirt up and sat down on the couch shaking my head.

"I'm sorry," I said after a minute. "I shouldn't be yelling at you. You were trying to protect me... You were just kissing me. It's just... Dorcas told me something."

James sat down next to me. "What did she tell you?"

"That you were taking advantage of me."

"Do you believe her?" he asked quietly, scratching his head nervously.

I shrugged. "James, I don't care what those people say about me."

"Well I do."

"Why?"

"Because they're saying things about you and I love you. You'd get mad if you were me."

I nodded. "Probably... but you wouldn't care if you were me. I'm used to this."

"You're used to this?" he asked.

"People yelling things at me for different reasons—"

"What kind of reasons?"

I looked away, but he titled my chin up to look at him. "They've been doing it since third year."

"What kind of reasons?" he asked again, but slowly this time.

"My family... friends... body..."

"I know the Slytherins do that... but what about your body? What kind of things do they say?"

"First they'd call me ugly," I said shrugging. "Then they'd... talk like they just did now."

"People are actually yelling at you about shagging?" he clarified. "Are they?!"

I nodded hesitantly, standing up. "I think we need to talk in private."

A couple groans were heard around the room but one look from James shut them up. He took my hand and pulled me out of the portrait hole. We were silent until we reached our own common room and sat down on a couch.

"This isn't a big deal, James. After seven years, you kind of get used to it."

He ran a hand through his hair. "If you're telling me not to worry then you are getting nowhere."

"I don't like to be protected!" I yelled loudly.

He looked straight into my eyes. "I know... and I love that about you. But there comes a time when I need to protect you. I can't protect you in the Order, I can't protect you at work, from Amos... why can't I protect you from the world in general?"

I stared, "Because it's not fair."

"How is it not fair?" he asked trying to get my attention as I looked away.

"You can protect me, James. But who can protect you? I can't.... I can't, James."

"I don't need protected—"

"Neither do I—"

"But I want to protect you—"

"And I want to protect you—"

"There's a difference—"

"I don't see it," I said stubbornly. "We both want what we can't have."

"I'm not losing you to those bastards Lily! I'm not losing you to anyone in this world—"

"Haven't I already told you that I am not going to ditch you for a one- night stand or another man?"

"I'm not talking about that! I just lost my father, like I lost my mother... like I lost my brother—"

"What?" I asked looking up in alarm. "Your brother?"

"He... he should be in third year," said James in a quiet voice now. "He... he went to Diagon Alley with his friend and his friends mum so they could pick out wands for school.... They were going to be in first year when he got killed, Lil. He... he went to Diagon Alley and got his wand, people had told us... But he... he never came back, Lily... He never came back."

"Is that why your father stopped caring in your fourth year?" James nodded and I took his hand in mine, but he pulled me into a hug.

"I've lost everyone in my life... I don't want to lose anyone ever again. I looked forward to him coming to school so much Lil. I wanted to teach him things; I wanted to be his hero, so much Lily."

"How come you never told me?" I asked quietly.

"I've only told Sirius..."

I nodded in understanding. "I wish I could promise you that you're not going to lose me."

"So do I, Lil. So do I," he said as one angelic tear rolled down his face. "And I feel so stupid."

"Why?" I asked turning to look at him. "Why James?"

"I... I still have his wand."

"Where?"

"It's in my trunk... they said... they said it would have been good for Transfigurations, like mine was."

I pulled him into a hug and he hugged back with all his might. I held him close to me until he fell asleep. And when he did I ran up getting his cloak and went out exploring.