Stop Looking at your Shoes and Start looking at the World Around You
Chapter 3: Eating Away at his Soul
I left with plenty of time to get there, I told my mom where I was going and hopped on my bike. It took me about 20 minutes to get there at a nice, even pace. I arrived at the hotel with time to spare and chained my bike up to the bike rack near the entrance. There were a handful of other bikes there too. But none of them looked like Carver's. I guess that went up in flames as well. I looked at the hotel map inside the lobby. Room 95, it was on the ground floor. As if I didn't trust my own judgment, I held the note up to the map for comparison. Why did I bring the note? 95 was such an easy number to remember. I guess it was that "Don't bring Tish" part that was still dancing on my brain. I wanted to ask him about it.
I found the right hallway and worked my way down it, counting the numbers on the doors thinking that I might pass by Carver's room if I didn't keep track. I was still holding the note in my hand, "put the note down" I kept telling myself. I eventually listened, shoving it into my back pocket, hoping that I would forget it there. Turns out that I didn't need to be counting the doors, because as I rounded a corner, I found Carver there, a short distance down the hall, leaning against his door as if he was waiting to be found. I gasped, sure I was expecting to see him, but for that moment my mind reverted back to that morning when I wanted nothing more than to see him. I called to him, "Carver!"
He looked at me, or at least he turned his head in my direction. He appeared as if he'd been exiled to purgatory for a million years. Lor was right, he was bloody dismal. As I approached I got a better look at him. He wasn't wearing his usual colorful attire, I guess that was gone too. I've come to accept that he had lost everything he ever owned. Instead he had donned a worn out sports jersey with ripped blue jeans. I recognized the get-up as having belonged to one of Lor's bothers', but I couldn't remember the name of the donor in question, all of Lor's siblings look alike to me. No really, they're all identical! Why is that? And for that matter how could Lor's mother physically manage to birth so many children? Honestly, those very questions rattled my brain the first time I met her family, but at the time I thought I would be over-stepping my boundaries if I had asked, and I'm really not good in awkward situations. But that's neither here nor there, I'm getting off topic.
"Hey Tino." he said apathetically when I was within a range where he didn't have to raise his voice. He sounded a bit raspy and his eyes looked sore. Had he been crying? I couldn't blame him.
"Hey Carve." I returned, " You look… its good to see you."
He didn't respond, he knew exactly how bad he looked. I dug through all of my thoughts that stuck in my mind, searching for something that would strike up a conversation. I finally settled on the question that has been burning in my back pocket. Without even thinking about it, the note returned to my hand.
"Hey uh," I began, " before we get started here, there's something that I need to get out in the open."
Again I got no direct response out of him. He sunk his back against the door and closed his eyes like he wanted to shut the world off. He had too much to think about.
"Yeah so um, this note that you gave to Lor to give to me…" I was trying to choose my words with tact, "why didn't you want me to bring Tish along? She really wanted to see you today."
"I don't know," he said through a tired voice, " I just… I didn't want her here playing therapist…. Not today."
I didn't like it, it was a poor excuse. But I let it go for the moment, I didn't want to make him feel worse. I looked around for a trash bin to throw the note into, to free myself from this burden. There wasn't any in sight. I shoved the note back into my pocket. I wanted to throw it on the ground but it would have just laid there, staring at me the whole time "Yeah, I can understand that." I lied, "So what did you want to talk to me about?"
An awkward silence loomed over us, I felt the need not to pressure him, and I look at our surroundings for the first time. The hallway was on the outside wall of the building, it had a fantastic view of the beach where the sun was sinking into the sea. The hotel's heated pool stood in the threshold between us and the rest of the world. The steam coming off the water, fading into the cool evening air, was all inviting. I didn't realize until that point that Carver's room was on the west side of the building, he wouldn't be able to wake up to the phoenix. Too bad, it helped me before.
I looked at Carver's feet, he was wearing one of his best pair of shoes, I guess it was the equivalent to comfort food for him. I caught him looking at his shoes as well, but he wasn't happy, like he normally would be. Had I known then what I know now, I would have seen severe hatred in his gaze, as though he were daring his shoes to burst into flames. I was about to say something but he broke the silence first.
"I'm so stupid." His words came out with all the grace of vomit.
"W-What?" I stuttered, " Why would you say that?"
He didn't give me a straight answer, he told me what happened that night from his perspective, illustrating at a point by showing me his left hand, which bore an ugly and probably sensitive burn mark on the palm. You already know what happened, I've told you this part remember?
He cut himself off at the point that would have answered my question. He was so ashamed that he couldn't get the words out. I sensed that he really wanted to tell me but he just couldn't. He grew weary trying to fight himself, after a while he just pulled himself away from the door and reached for the handle. I couldn't help but notice that his hand flinched a bit before he grabbed it. Guess he's still a bit gun-shy.
"I'm tired Tino." He sure sounded tired. "I'm going to bed. Thanks for listening to me."
I wanted to say so much to him at that moment. If only I could find just the right words to bring back the Carver I knew the day before. All I could think of was the weekend we had promised to give him. "I'll still see you tomorrow right?"
"Yeah… Tomorrow." He said, though his voice sounded distant.
"Okay…" I was at a loss for words, "Later days." What can I say, it was a reflex response. Carver didn't return the gesture. He wanted to escape before I could see him at his lowest point.
I walked my bike home and went straight to bed. I was tired as well, it had been a trying day for all of us. I was worried about him, more so than ever. I lulled myself to sleep thinking about how good it will be when things get back to normal.
Saturday morning came around, it truly felt like a new day. The girls and I got together at my place before we went to pick up Carver. I sensed that Tish was still harboring feelings of rejection, so I tried to justify Carver's excuse.
"Playing therapist? What makes him think I would do that?" she exclaimed, "Carver is just psychologically distancing himself, unable to face up to reality. I'd say I should have marched over there with you last night and made him see the light of his situation!"
Lor laughed hysterically, "Dude," she chuckled, " You are such a shrink!"
Tish turned to Lor. Arching her back, she brought the tips of her fingers to her chest and adopted that fake old-English accent she used when she was being jokingly dramatic. "Nay, for as a thespian, 'tis my passion to reach into the very souls of the people and well up their true emotions through my art."
"Wow Tish," I said with a grin across my cheeks "You sure picked an odd time to come out of the closet."
She dropped the act and smacked me across the arm, "I said THES-pian!"
I knew what she said, I just loved teasing her sometimes. And hey, it got a laugh out of everyone. After seeing Carver last night, my secret plan was to get everyone's spirits as high as possible that morning, hoping it would rub off on him. What a fool I was. Even my own mother had taught me time and again that misery is far more infectious.
Around 10 o'clock, we made our way to the hotel, but Carver was still in bed when we arrived there. We had to practically drag him out the door. His parents knew that this is what he needed.
We went through the paces of our usual Saturday, only this one was all about Carver, doing his favorite things, treating him like a king, not letting him pay for anything (not that he did anyways). But it was an up-hill battle, like it hurt for him to hold a smile. What could I compare it to? Picture you're at the amusement park with your friends and you had just eaten enough chili-cheese fries to sink the navy. And your friends are all like "Com'on, let's go on the all of the wildest rides in the park!" And you comply, despite the fact that your stomach is twisting and grinding with every loop-de-loop and 40-foot drop… Ahh, memories… Okay, it wasn't literally like that, but it was like he was holding something back that he didn't want us to see, and if I had inherited any of my mother's mind-reading abilities, I would have seen it right there and stopped the ride to let him off.
It was getting into the afternoon, our day had progressed us to the mall. Despite our efforts, Carver still wasn't anywhere near being Carver again. I admit, I was starting to get a little annoyed.
"Don't worry Tino," Lor said in a whisper so that Carver couldn't hear as we walked along the corridors of this shrine to shopping. "Everything may have been hopeless up to now, but we've prepared with the cram duh la… the camp al a… the cream of the cramps!"
I gave her a raised eyebrow.
"I think you're trying to say 'crème de la crème'" Tish corrected.
"Right," Lor said, " The best damn part of the day."
Tish rolled her eyes, resolving that it is a fruitless endeavor to try and add a bit of culture to Lor's vocabulary.
I was curious, "Okay, what is it?"
They both looked at each other like twin sisters and spun around on their heels to face our droopy comrade.
"Carver," Tish started, " Guess what we're going to do now."
Carver wore the question on his face. The girls giggled a bit in anticipation.
"Oh God, I feel like such a girl saying this," Lor sniggered. Think it's ironic? Not if you know Lor, "We're going shoe shopping!"
He snapped to attention, finally we were getting somewhere! We rolled with it. The more we talked about shoes, the more of a reaction we got out of him. It was fun, we honestly thought we were doing a good thing, how could we have been so blind?
I looked over at my friend and I saw it happening. It was like something from deep within him was clawing to the surface. He was going mad right before my eyes. I've already stopped talking but Tish and Lor just kept going on about shoes this and shoes that, if only they could see what I saw. Everything good about that day had just went completely down the drain.
I remember shaking my head, eye's wide, mouthing the words "No, no, no, shut up, shut up!" I can't remember if I said it or just thought it but it was all too little too late. Whatever was tearing away at Carver's soul just broke free. At that moment the world ceased to exist and time came to a grinding halt. I had enough time to analyze every horrifying moment. I saw him turn his torso away from me, I saw him recoil his fist, and I heard him give out a battle cry. I felt every individual beat of my heart as my pulse quickened. Was he going to hurt himself? Was he going to hurt one of us? It was like playing a game of Russian roulette. Someone was going to get hurt.
And then it just happened. I saw him release his fist like a wild dog. I saw his target. It didn't seem real. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Carver would never hit a girl! He would never hit a girl with glasses! He would never, ever, in a million years, no matter what happened, dare to lay a hand on Tish. I did't know who he was, but Carver wasn't there anymore. Only some kind of monster in his image remained. I did all that I could. I dove at him, I thought I could stop him. The problem about time being slowed down is that my muscles were under the same pressure. I didn't know if I would make it in time. I closed my eyes. I heard Tish scream, and for a moment, I was her fear.
I braced myself for the sound of the impact, "Here it comes!" I said in my mind. And there it was, a deafening CLANG. Clang? I opened my eyes, the world had returned to normal. I was nowhere near holding Carver back. He had missed what I thought was his target entirely, breaking his knuckles against a steal pillar a mere foot from Tish's head. Whether his true aim had been intentional or not, it was too much for any of us to handle. The pillar was resonating from the blow, taking its sweet time calming down from the force Carver had unleashed on it. Had he really lashed out at Tish? I had no doubt he would have done her a considerable amount of harm. Tish had had the wits completely frightened out of her (and that girl had a lot of wits to scare out). She had jumped a good couple of feet right into Lor, who managed to catch her. The girl had admittedly better reflexes than mine. Tish was unscathed, but hyperventilating. Being the resourceful one, Lor tossed the donut that she had been munching on into a nearby trash bin and used the empty paper bag in the classical method to aid her friend. Between shallow breathes Tish managed to yell out "ARE YOU INSANE!" I turned to the animal dressed as my friend. He didn't say a word. He lifted himself off the pillar, his knuckles were bleeding. He began to walk away. I stopped him, grabbed him by the shoulder and threw him against the pillar. It rang again, sounding like the collective moans of a thousand lost souls.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I screamed at him, still in the moment. I was so furious with him, how could he have just taken everything we'd done for him, all of the crap we'd ever put up with over the years, and just throw it all away? I so wanted to hit him, to make him feel it, my arm was aching to plow right into his face. I struggled to hold myself back.
He just lowered his gaze into mine. "I didn't hit her." His voice was so cold, so calculated. As if he felt that he had every right in the world to send that poor girl flailing to the ground in a mass of blood and tears. I was afraid of him… I was so afraid.
I didn't even notice that the mall security guard had come over to exercise his authority. "I'm sorry but you are causing a disturbance and vandalizing mall property, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
I shot half of an icy stare at the security guard. I don't care if it's his job, this had nothing to do with him. Who gives a damn about the pillar, it wasn't even dented. The morning before, I was afraid that my friend was dead, but now I was afraid that he had been replaced by a monster.
Carver pushed me off of him while my attention was drawn, I stumbled back a few feet. He began walking away. My anger withdrew. The friend I knew was fading away, and I was powerless to help him. I raced after him, catching up to him at the mall entrance, "Carver! Wait!" I said, like I had to apologize.
He stopped in his tracks but didn't look at me, "Just leave me alone. All of you, just leave me alone." And with that he took off in full sprint. I didn't chase him, I wanted to, but I couldn't…. the friend I knew was already gone, he died in the fire.
End of chapter 3. Wow, I sure ended that one on a darker note than I had intended. This chapter took the most rewrites to finish and ended up being twice as long as the first two (I was almost considering releasing this one as two separate chapters, separated by the Friday night and the Saturday morning. But that would have been redundant and I promised everyone the big shocking scene for chapter 3). I have a feeling that the following chapters will be even harder for me to write as I dig so deep into Carver's psyche that my path can no longer be illuminated by the light from the surface. So many times I wanted Carver to break down and cry, to reveal everything that was torturing him. I hung over the Friday night conversation between Tino and Carver for days trying to get it right (I still think I've only scratched the surface, but I didn't want to reveal too much at the time). I could put myself into Tino's shoes no problem, I've been there, but Carver was a challenge to say the least. I just hope that I was able to make his inner struggle and self-loathing clear. Despite my earlier protests, I did end up writing a considerable amount of conversational humor into this chapter. It was just the chemistry of the characters, it couldn't be denied.
I know many people still can't understand why I took up this challenge to write an emotional Carver story (especially a certain notorious Carver hater whom shall remain nameless), and sometimes I ask myself that same question. What can I say, I've never been one to take the easy course with these sort of things. If Weekender Fan Fiction is a path up a mountain, I went and scaled the rocks instead.
One last note, I don't know if anyone else picked up on this, but in chapter 2, I made mention that Tino's parent's got divorced when he was 9 years old and then he moved with his mother to Bahia Bay. Well, Lord Malachite pointed out that Tino's parent's separated when he was too young to remember what it was like living with his dad and that he's always lived in Bahia Bay. I didn't have a stock of the episodes for reference. So I turned to my own life experience for that scene. But continuity aside, I think I got the message across.
Well, keep those reviews coming, they really help me decide how to mold the outcome of the story. And I'd like to personally thank Lord Malachite for standing in my corner while I wrote this chapter, he will always be the true King of Weekender Fan Fiction in my mind.
