At the masquerade ball, such fun

Firmin and Andre come in leading their poodle-esque dates. Carlotta and Piangi swagger close behind

Everybody starts singing and dancing randomly

All: Masquerade!

When do we get paid?

Masquerade!

These costumes itch like hell!

Christine: 'K. this is pretty cool, this secret engagement thing. I love you, but I won't kiss you, hug you, hold hands with you, overall touch you, or come within a ten-foot radius of you.

Raoul: Fair enough. Let's go spike the punch.

Dance continues. Authoress gets dizzy from watching

Firmin: great party, Andre. But I wonder why anybody hasn't spiked the pre-spiked punch yet?

Meg falls over laughing like a hyena.

Firmin: There you go!

Everybody starts running for the stage. Christine and Raoul kiss

Christine: Maybe I violated my principles, but that was one helluva smooch!

Raoul: Yep. You're even better than Meg!

Christine: Excuze moi?

Raoul: Didn't say a thing. Oh look, culture on the stairs!

All on stairs: Masquerade!

Someone hit me with a spade!

Masquerade!

This number is driving me batty!

Phantom: Enough dramatic tension! Here I come!

Everybody: Whoa. A dude in red. Why isn't he wearing black or gold?

Phantom: Shut your ponyholes, you peanut gallery. I've got a boatload to say!

Firmin: Hold me, Andre! Handsome young men in masks scare the bejesus out of me!

Phantom: Yep, I'm back, and nobody seems to be jumping for joy. I brought you a copy of my opera! It took me forever to write, because Kinko's was friggin' closed!

Firmin looks down

Firmin: Dude, it's called a jockstr-"

Phantom: SILENCE! I'm not finished. Carlotta, get that cork out of your butt and stick it in a wine bottle! Piangi, whoever the hell you are, observe Atkins. Firmin and Andre, go hump the legs of the obscenely wealthy somewhere else.

Andre: I'm sensing some bad vibes. He says it like it's a bad thing.

Phantom: Shut it, you limp noodle.

Christine's is just staring dumbly. Raoul runs to the can at the most inappropriate time possible.

Phantom: I'm sure she'll do well. After all, I am her teacher.

All: Gasp!

Christine walks up to phantom.

Phantom: 'Sup? What, did you lose your fop in the wash?

Christine: No, he's in the john.

Phantom: Yanks off her necklace that's not the point! You cheating little-

Everybody stares

Phantom: Guess I'm too weird for the room. Later vanishes in a big fake, fiery kaboom

Raoul ambles back in cinching his belt

Raoul: What'd I miss?