Somewhere random behind the scenes

Raoul: Say, guys, I've got an idea. The guy you think is the phantom is just a regular dude!

Firmin: I'm not following…

Raoul: We should, like, set a trap of some sort. Dig a pit in the middle of the floor and cover it with leaves.

Andre: I'm not following…

Raoul: Or we could just have Christine sing in his opera. He's sure to come watch.

Firmin: I'm not following…

Raoul: We basically catch him like a fruit fly in a cookout potato salad. Does anybody notice that I seemed to have gained like fifty I.Q. points since that asswipe stabbed me?

Andre: No. This plan sucks. Suppose he doesn't come?

Raoul: Then that's your problem!

Firmin: Whatever. The fop here's due for a big screw up anyway.

Raoul: Cool. Excuse me while I go flat iron my hair.

In the creepy chapel

Raoul ambles in

Raoul: Whassamatter? Do you just sit in this creepy chapel for kicks?

Christine: Nope. I'm just weirded out by your dumb plan. I'll bet anything phantom kidnaps me!

Raoul: I'll bet you fifty francs and my curling iron that you walk off that stage safely.

Christine: You're on, bozo.

Raoul: thinks she's so great. Mummy said I would end up tending ferns for love.

Raoul tries to hug Christine

Christine: Buzz off, creep. I've got enough pests to deal with as is

Phantom in hiding: Ooh, shot down!

Raoul: thinks yep, only if mummy could see me now!

Ambles away

In Phantom's lair

He's waiting in his whitey-tightys for the washing machine to stop

Phantom: Damn Maytag! I'm going to miss the show because I bought one of their junked up washers!

Waits longer

Phantom kicks washer

Washer: Ding!

Phantom pulls out a pink shirt, pink undies, and pink slacks.

Phantom: What the hell? This was a white load.

Pulls out a red sock

Phantom: Ha ha ha. My ghostly sides are splitting! The world is a funny place, but only if you like sick humor.

Puts on pink clothes

Phantom: This will be a memorable night, if I can make it to the stage without getting beaten up. On with the show!