Dun dun dun! Don Juan Triumphant!

Orchestra dude: Get on the stage, you slobs!

Ugly people dance onstage

Audience: How disgraceful. There isn't even a cliché love story or garish costumes. What has become of this already lax art?

Christine totters onstage. Falls into the orchestra pit

Orchestra dude: Stand up straight, you ditz!

Christine ditzes to the middle of the stage

Christine: Lalalalalalalalalalala trips

Piangi: I vas goh to ze glory hole. Vill be bahk ven ah feel laik it!

Waddles off Phantom strangles Piangi

Phantom: I don't know you; I just know that I hate you.

Audience in 2004: Yeah. Get bent, dude!

Phantom sneaks onstage

Passarino: Master? We are not worthy!

Phantom: Go find your grandma. I want to do this alone!

Christine is just like staring at the audience like an ADD watching squirrels cross a road

Phantom: sings

You have come here

In pursuit of your deepest, most sublime, kinkiest drools itch

In pursuit of that wish that should stay silent

Christine: Mother f-

Phantom: I'm not done! Sings

Past the point of no return

No backward peeks now

What warm, unspoken secrets titters will we learn?

Beyond the point of no return.

Raoul is reading a YM magazine

Raoul: So, according to this quiz, I'm a pretty pink or a giggly green. Yippee!

Christine: I- damn it Raoul- have come here- that's him- hardly knowing the- the phantom- reason why- picking his nose!

Phantom looks around, embarrassed. Takes finger out of nose.

Christine: sings in my mind I've already imagined our bodies giggle entwining, defenseless and silent.

Phantom: Ooh, dirty girl. Does the little whip noise

Raoul: It's final. I'm a pretty pink! Once again, YM has saved my life!

Looks onstage

Raoul: Hey, who's that hot guy on stage? I've always had a thing for guys in masks.

Phantom: Okay, I'm thoroughly creeped out. Looks at Christine I vote we get outta here before the frog prince up there gets any weird ideas!

Christine: Wait. I have an idea!

Yanks off phantom's mask. all the ugly comes out

Christine: Ew. Gag me with a spoon.

Phantom: This sucks. Let's get outta here before you get any other bright ideas!

Christine: 'kay.

Both jump in hole that happens to be in the middle of the stage

Audience: Gasp! Wait, I'm confused. What the hell does this have to do with the opera?

Orchestra dude: It's… avante garde?

Audience: Works for me!

Phantom's voice from above: Eat crystal, beeyotches!

Chandelier falls

Audience: Scream!

Raoul: This is one screwed up opera. Goes back to reading magazine

Phantom: Wait, I thought you were slightly smarter!

Raoul: Let me put it this way… don't stand near the gas lamps for more than five minutes!

Phantom: Oh. Well, I stole your chick.

Raoul: Hey! That's not fair! You aren't supposed to do anything that causes me mental strain!

Phantom: I'll send you a muffin basket. Dumbass.