In Phantom's Lair

Phantom: So, babe, which do you like better, lilies or dandelions?

Christine: Bite me.

Phantom: That could be arranged. Purrr.

Christine: You've been living underground for too long. I've seen better pick up lines in front of a daycare!

Phantom:… are you coming on to me?

Christine: No!

Phantom: Fine then. I'll just give this big ass wedding ring I got for you to charity.

Christine: Oooh. Shiny. Maybe I am coming on to you.

Phantom: I don't understand women one bit, and I'm not going to try to make sense of this one!

Christine: Can I hold the pretty ring? Can I taste the pretty ring?

Phantom: Enough yammer. We've got company!

Raoul comes and starts banging on the portcullis

RaoulI'm going to kill you with my bare hands, phantom! I nearly drowned in one of your god-forsaken traps!

Phantom: Crap. I forgot about those. Well, everybody keeps telling everyone else to build a better mousetrap, so voila!

Raoul: Let me in. I've got…. Licorice!

Christine: Let him in! I'm sick of eating vermin.

Phantom: 'Kay. So, nobody sees any danger in this situation?

Raoul and Christine: Nope. Why should we? We both seem to have the collective I.Q. of a dust bunny!

Phantom lets fop in

Raoul: Nice place. So what do you pay for a dump like this?

Phantom: I'm tired of people dissing my pad. Hang 'em high!

Puts noose around fop's neck

Raoul: something tells me that I was just an accessory in a cruel joke.

Christine: Yep. Your entire life seems to be a cruel joke, eh, Raoul?

Phantom: this is too good to be true. I can either kill the fop or keep Christine! My fortune cookie was right!

Reads fortune cookie

Phantom: You will either kill a loser or keep a reluctant chick. Isn't this Far East craze awesome?

Raoul: Not really. Sesame noodles give me the vapors.

Phantom: Riiiight. Now, Christine, pick what you want. A life with me and a free fop, or freedom and a dead fop the choice is yours!

Christine: eenie meeine minie moe, catch a tiger by the toe…

Raoul: Something tells me that she doesn't give a rat's ass what happens to me.

Phantom: Yeah, kinda takes the gratification out of it.

Christine: Too hard to choose. I have a better idea. Why don't we just get phantom a gerbil and I'll kill Raoul myself later.

Phantom: no, gerbils creep me out.

Christine: Then I guess I have no choice.

Kisses phantom

Audience in 2004: aw! That's kinda cute and gross at the same time!

Raoul is silently having an aneurysm

Phantom: Wow. You're even a better kisser than Meg!

Christine: What?

Phantom: Nothing. Now beat it, both of you.

Raoul: My rescue mission is successful!

Christine: Jackass, I saved you.

Raoul: Whatever. Let's get outta here before freakazoid over there gets any funny ideas,

Christine: Wait. I gotta do something first.

In Phantom's bedroom

Phantom: Masquerade,

My heart just got slayed

Masquerade

Guess I'll go watch Jerry Springer.

Audience in 2004: Sob. How sad!

Authoress: Waaah! Boo hoo blows nose on friend's sweater

Phantom starts laughing

Phantom: I'm sorry. The monkey is just so funny!

Christine comes back

Phantom: Yes, you can take my collection of international cheeses. I hate it anyway.

Christine: That's not why I came back. I wanted to give you your big ass bling back.

Phantom: Oh. All right.

Christine: I'm leaving now. You just take care. I'll send you a quiche. Leaves

Phantom: this blows.

Mob: Let's get 'em! Fat Tony, gimmie that bag a' cement. We gots some stool pigeons to take care of!

Phantom: Wrong mob. This isn't The Sopranos

Right Mob: Huzzah! Track down this murderer he must be found!

Phantom: Ooookay, this puts me in a bit of a pickle.

Starts breaking mirrors

Audience in 2004: Alrighty then… he's breaking mirrors when he's about to be lynched. What's his problem?

Passageway appears. Phantom goes through

Phantom: See you in hell, mob!

Mob comes.

Mob: Huh. He's not here. Well, we should have seen this coming. Who's up for Chinese?

Mob leaves

Meg and Persian fall out of closet

Persian: What'd I miss? Wipes lipstick off his face

Not the end