Harry and Ron started the walk down to the Great Hall for breakfast by themselves. Hermione had said she'd catch up with them later.

"I wonder who put that chicken right by my bed last night…" wondered Harry aloud.

"What chicken?" asked Ron.

"You know… the live chicken in our dorm last night?"

"Are you sure you weren't dreaming? Because I distinctly remember a night free of chicken."

"But…" Harry then decided to drop it.

They both entered the Great Hall. As they were walking to their tables, they took out their schedules.

"Oh, no…" said Harry. "We've got potions first…"

"Yeah, I know," agreed Ron. "Potions is useless and horrible enough without Snape…"

"It's not just that," said Harry. "Malfoy… he's probably still sore at me because his father's in Azkaban, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…"

"In fact…" said Harry, "He's probably going to try and get me good… he's had an entire summer to think of how to get me back…"

Ron's eyes widened. "Harry, this is serious. You know Malfoy is nasty enough to… you know… really hurt you…"

Harry had just come to this realization, too. "Guess I'll have to watch out…" he said, sitting down at the Gryffindor table.

At that point, an embarrassingly loud and very wet farting sound came from where Harry sat. Harry's entire face froze as the entire Great Hall fell silent, the teachers and all. The farting sound echoed off the walls for what seemed an eternity.

Suddenly, a very loud and obnoxious laugh cut through the silence.

"HA HA HA!" roared Malfoy, pointing at Harry. "It looks like Potter still has a ways to go in his potty training! HA HA!"

Soon, more people joined in the laughing. Eventually, the Great Hall was filled with roaring laughter.

"Hey, wait a second!" said Harry, jumping up and snatching from his seat what looked like a squished balloon. He held it up for all to see. "I didn't do that! It was this whoopee cushion!"

As the laughter started to die down, Malfoy's face turned scarlet. He pushed aside his breakfast and jumped up onto the table, looking straight at Harry.

"POTTER!" shrieked Malfoy. "You may have foiled my first plan to GET YOU BACK, but trust me, I have more! Many more! Before long, I will GET YOU BACK!"

He then turned on his heel, and started to stalk out of the Great Hall, ignoring his unfinished breakfast.

However, turning on one's heel is not a very good idea when standing on the edge of a table, and he fell over to the ground in a crumpled heap. Getting up, trying to act like nothing happened, Malfoy started to stalk out of the Hall again. However, he tripped on the edge of his now disheveled robes, and fell a second time. Getting up angrily, Malfoy started to run out of the Hall, but he accidentally ran into an absent-minded Neville, who fell forward into a punch bowl. Confused and drenched in cherry punch (with a hint of grape), Neville hit over an entire stack of silverware and dishes, which sent many Gryffindors scattering. Malfoy, who was now in a flat-out sprint, hurdled the Ravenclaw table on his way to the double doors that led out of the Great Hall. The Ravenclaws, being smart, jumped out of his pathway. It was a smart decision, because Malfoy's back foot got caught on his way over the table, and as he fell (yet again), one of his hands desperately grabbed the edge of the table. When Malfoy hit the ground, he managed to pull the table over onto himself. After he managed to get free, he managed to hobble out of the Great Hall, very slowly. Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were eating his unfinished breakfast.

"That was his plan to get me back?" asked Harry, very confused.

"Hey, I recognize that!" said Ron, taking the whoopee cushion. "My brothers made that brand themselves. 'Extra loud.'"

Harry just shook his head and started to sit down again. However, he paused. Someone was just entering the hall, a familiar someone, and that particular someone caught Harry's eye.

"Hermione?"

"Where?" asked Ron, trying to see where Harry was looking.

"Over there… but… wow, she's changed over the summer!"

"What do you mean, we saw her this morn-,"

"I mean REALLY changed! I mean, it's obvious it's her, but she's gained… more than a little weight…"

"What?" said Ron, still trying to see where Harry was looking. "I didn't notice that earlier."

"No offense to her, but HOW COULD YOU NOT? And…" said Harry, squinting to see her at the other end of the hall, "What's that? It looks like… it looks like she's grown a beard!"

Ron was now thoroughly confused.

"No, Ron, I'm not kidding. I think Hermione has grown a beard! And… oh my goodness… this is just wrong… either that's an optical illusion, or, for some reason, she's packing a bit heavier than normal downstairs…"

"HARRY, YOU BLOODY IDIOT, THAT'S HAGRID!" burst Ron, finally realizing what was going on.

Harry fell silent. "Oh…"

Ron was in disbelief. "HOW DID YOU MISTAKE HERMIONE FOR HAGRID?"

"Hey, come on, at least I realized it when I saw her manhood…"

Ron just yelled at the top of his voice to drown out all of the wrongness.


But where was Hermione at the moment? In reality, she had been taken hostage… taken hostage by two men, a tall one and a short one, cleverly hidden behind two statues, a tall one and a short one. The tall one was behind the short statue, and the short one was behind the tall statue.

"This has to be the worst hiding place ever." The tall one had said.

"I'm not complaining." The short one had retorted.

Through the aid of magic, both men had managed to heal their injuries in a relatively short amount of time. However, their bodies were still sore. In their condition, a direct attack on Harry Potter would not be ideal. They were forced to get to him… through his friends.

"So… why are we taking the girl hostage, again?" the tall one had asked.

"To get to Harry, we have to get to him through his friends." The short one had replied.

"I don't get it." The tall one had said.

"QUIET! She approaches!" the short one had hissed.

Hermione, who had been on her way to the Great Hall, was ambushed as she walked past the two statues. The tall one had used a stunning spell to stun Hermione, while the short one was to catch her as she fell. However, the short one, being short, didn't really catch her. He more or less acted as a cushion for her fall.

"So… much… pain…" the short one had mumbled under the unconscious Hermione.

"See?" the tall one had said. "I TOLD you that I should have hidden behind the tall statue, instead of the short one, and that I should have caught the girl, instead of you, but NOOOOOO."

"Shut… up…" the short one had mumbled.


Hey, you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Yes, I can see you. What, you don't believe me? Well I can. I can see what you're wearing right now. Seriously. I can see every detail of your face. I can see your home. That's right, I know what you look like, and I know where you live. So, review. Or else I might just pay a visit to your house. And... I don't know, maybe take a blade of grass or two? Yeah, that's right. I'll do it too.