Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 4

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: January 5, 2005

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Michelle for beta-reading, and thanks for all the reviews - I'm glad people are willing to give this a chance.

Author's Note: Well, I said this was going to be RLSS, but not slash, didn't I?

I've been having a wonderful time re-watching all the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes dvds, speaking of people who are logical, temperamental and morose (and have gorgeous voices), and, of course, have kind, wise and supportive friends.

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Chapter 4

"He's a girl," Ron said.

"Woman," Hermione said, without thinking.

The form on the bed was definitely a woman, no matter that Lupin's face looked, as always, so young, beneath the lines and grey hair. Or that his - her - body was so thin and wasted now.

Hermione's eyes moved up to look at the faces of everyone else standing around the bed: Harry and Ron, eyes wide with shock and astonishment, Dumbledore with his sad expression. And Professor Snape seemed transfixed, his eyes locked on Lupin's face, his body completely still, as if he'd forgotten even to breathe.

And Umbridge, who was standing now, and, though she'd seemed as surprised as any of them during Lupin's transformation, there was now a look of smug self-righteousness on her face.

"What did you do to him?" Harry said, his eyes fierce.

Umbridge looked back, a twisted smile on her face. "Why, child," she said, "how could I have done this? I didn't go near Professor Lupin."

"It was the potion, the last one," Snape said, eyes still locked on Lupin's face. Then he looked up, and his eyes flashed, "Get your hand away from that beaker!"

They all turned, to see Delworth, his hand hovering just above the final beaker on the bedside table. Delworth froze, and turned pale. His mouth gaped open like a fish.

"I watched," Snape said, his voice soft and deliberate, "Everything went perfectly, in the laboratory. Someone had to have added something after it left the lab, when it was brought here." He stepped toward the foot of Lupin's bed, moving toward the other side where Delworth stood. Delworth staggered back, bumping into the bed next to Lupin's.

"Are you trying to divert suspicion elsewhere, Professor Snape?" Umbridge said. "You were there, after all, in the lab." She gave her simpering smile. "I hardly think an ex-Death Eater is in any position to accuse anyone."

"I did not touch anything," Snape said. "There are plenty of witnesses who will verify that."

"He's right," Professor Begay said. "Professor Snape acted as an observer only. And the potion was tested, before it left the lab. Someone must have tampered with it." And he, too, looked at Delworth, an expression of horrified disbelief on his honest face.

"You added something to it when you carried it out of the lab," Snape said, still stalking toward Delworth.
Delworth made a terrified eeping sound, and tried to move away, but Harry and Ron stepped to block him while Hermione drew out her wand.

Delworth looked straight at Umbridge, his face pleading, but she cocked her head. "Horace, what have you been up to?" she said. She looked at the others and added, innocently, "Whatever he's done, I certainly had nothing to do with it."

Delworth's mouth fell open even further. He froze, then looked, first at Snape drawing nearer from one side, and Harry, Ron and Hermione blocking him on the other. He closed his mouth, and, with a bang, he vanished from the room.

"He's Apparated!" said Harry.

"Yes," Umbridge said, and she stood officiously. "I will return to the Ministry at once to report this. Officials will be sent out to apprehend Master Delworth." She smiled at them all one last time, and then left the room.

"Arthur," Dumbledore said, "Return to the Ministry as well. I would prefer any investigation to be in your hands."

Arthur Weasley nodded. "I'll get on it. And don't worry, I don't believe Umbridge for one minute when she says she had nothing to do with this, and I'll let that be known." He hurried from the room.

"Severus, Professor Begay," Dumbledore said, quietly. "I ask that you both examine the empty beakers, and see if you can determine exactly what was done to alter the potion."

Snape bowed his head. "Of course, Headmaster." He and Professor Begay gathered up the beakers from the bedside table, and quickly left the room.

The St. Mungo's Healer, who had stood frozen in astonishment through the whole confrontation, turned back to Lupin's unconscious body on the hospital bed.

"He, er, she," she hesitated, "I mean, Professor Lupin, is stable now. I'd like to get some other people in here with me to see what alternatives we have." She began to make summoning motions with her wand. Within minutes, a number of other St. Mungo's Healers came into the room. Dumbledore, Harry, Ron and Hermione reluctantly moved away from Lupin's bedside to make room.

One of the Healers, an officious looking man who was clearly one of the officers of the hospital, approached them. "I think it would be best if you left for now," he said. "I promise, you will be called as soon as anything is known."

Dumbledore held up his hand as Harry started to protest. "No, Harry, he is right. I think it is best if the three of you leave for now. You can do no good here. I promise, you will be told as soon as anything is known."

Harry nodded, though clearly unhappy about it. He, Ron and Hermione made for the exit.

The Healer nodded. "And you, sir, may I escort you to the door?"

"Oh, that will not be necessary," Dumbledore smiled. "I am staying, of course." He settled back in his chair. The Healer frowned, and Dumbleodore's smile faded a little, and he said, "Sir, an attack has already been made against my friend by a person connected with St. Mungo's. I'm not about to leave the Professor alone."

The Healer drew up, and his mouth tightened. Then he nodded and returned to his colleagues around Lupin's bedside.

Dumbledore waited. And, far sooner than he'd expected, Snape and Begay returned. Begay's gentle face was even more troubled than it had been before, while the look on Snape's face was ice cold. The other Healers grew quiet, and all turned to listen.

"We have isolated the problem," Professor Begay said, looking at Snape. "An additional element was added, as suspected. Everything points to a particular potion, one that had to be prepared in advance, and added to the final draft."

"A potion was added to deliberately change Professor Lupin's gender?" Dumbledore said.

"That is not the usual result of this potion," Snape said. "Master Delworth evidently did not take into account certain interactions between the two potions."

"This potion," Professor Begay swallowed, "It's actually a fairly common one. It's not used on humans, of course." He looked at Snape.

"It is used on animals," Snape said.

"So what was their intent?" Dumbledore said.

Snape's eyes were as hard as obsidian. "This potion is commonly used for neutering animals. It appears they intended to sterilize him."

There was a gasp from one or two of the Healers.

"If things had not gone wrong," Snape continued, "no one might ever have known."

"A final end to the werewolf problem, indeed," Dumbledore said. He closed his eyes.

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Lupin slowly became aware. Not again, he thought, not another hospital bed. I thought I was through with these for awhile. He could tell his new robes were gone, and instead, he recognized the all-too-familiar feel of a hospital gown, and cold air on his exposed arms and legs.

But I have arms and legs, he thought, wiggling them slightly. They moved. Now, why was I here? Oh yes, the cure. The cure! The horrible thought struck him, it didn't go right. It didn't work!

His eyes flew open. Hazy shapes resolved themselves, he saw the ceiling above him, and he turned his head, wildly, trying to focus on the vague forms around him.

"Steady, Remus, steady," he heard Dumbledore's voice near his head, and he turned, squinting, until the uncertain blob cleared, and became Dumbledore's familiar white beard, and long nose. And behind him, the black shadow of Snape. There was no smile on Dumbledore's face, his eyes were sad and concerned, and Snape's face looked pale and drawn. Lupin's heart sank.

"I take it things did not go well," Lupin said. His own voice startled him, it was so high, like a boy's. "Did not go well," he said again, trying to make it lower, but not succeeding. I must be very weak, he thought. "What time is it?"

"It is late, Remus," Dumbledore said, "Evening. And there has been a problem, yes."

Lupin closed his eyes, and tried to quell the rising sorrow within him. "It didn't work," he said, his voice still sounding so strange to him.

"Actually, no. The cure did work," Dumbledore said. Lupin sucked in his breath, and he looked at Dumbledore's face.

"The St. Mungo's people tell me that you are cured," Dumbledore went on. "Your body has been through a shock, but it is essentially healthy, though you'll need time to recover.

"But yes, Remus," Dumbledore said, "Things did not go normally. The potion was tampered with."

"Umbridge," Lupin said. Even with all our precautions, he thought, she managed to get to me.

"We do not know for certain," Dumbledore said. "If she did, it was through an agent."

"What did she do to me?" Lupin asked, still trying to speak in lower tones, but his voice wasn't cooperating.

"Not what was intended, but something else happened." Dumbledore moved a little closer. "You are fully human, Remus, you are healthy." Dumbledore hesitated, then sighed. "You have been transformed into a woman, Remus."

It took a moment for Dumbledore's words to register. A woman? But I don't feel any different, Lupin thought. And then he thought, but I wouldn't, would I. I'm not such a fool to think that I would. He felt a horrible weight in the pit of his stomach. No, this can't be. His hand moved as if of its own accord, to fall on his chest, searching for flat muscle there, and finding instead an unfamiliar softness. He managed to stop his hand from searching elsewhere, to see what might or might not be there. It's true, he thought (deliberately thinking, I am a 'he' no matter what my body may be). He began to shake, and forced himself to be quiet.

"The Healers here tell me that this can be reversed, that you can be returned to your former self," Dumbledore said. "But the transformation is irrevocably tied to the werewolf cure. To reverse the one requires the other to be reversed as well."

"And once the cure has been done once," Lupin said, "it can never work a second time."

"I am afraid so," Dumbledore said.

Lupin closed his eyes. "So, I may be transformed back, but I lose the cure, or I stay as I am, cured, but in a woman's body." He turned to look at Dumbledore. "And what happens to the program? What has the Press been told?"

"As of now," Dumbledore said, "the Press has been told nothing. Arthur has managed to stall them."

"And if I decide to change back, what then?"

"It could place the entire program in jeopardy. Even if we manage to keep the tampering secret, the competency of the Ministry will be called into question, I fear," Dumbledore said. "This could destroy any trust the werewolves have in us."

Lupin was silent. This is a dream, he thought, I want to wake up, and have this all go away. He looked into Dumbledore's face, trying to read anything there, and then above that, at Snape, whose eyes seemed to be locked on Lupin's face. Am I so strange, then? thought Lupin.

"You need rest, Remus," Dumbledore said, rising to his feet. "You need to eat, and then go back to sleep. You do not have to decide this now. If you are to change back, it must be done within before the next full moon, but that gives you a week to make your decision--"

"No," Lupin said, "I need no time. I know my choice." I don't want to do this, I don't want to. But there is no choice. "I will remain as I am."

Something flashed across Snape's face, but it was gone too quickly for Lupin to catch. Anguish for me, my friend?

"You are certain?" Dumbledore said.

Lupin nodded. "If only for the sake of the program, I must."

Dumbledore's face seemed even sadder, and Lupin tried to smile. "And for my own sake, as well. I would have cut off my right arm for this. I think that, even if I had known this transformation was the price, I would still have gone through with it."

Dumbledore placed a hand on Lupin's arm. "You realize, this must be kept secret. Whatever has been done to you, you cannot seek public justice for it. The credibility of the program is at stake."

"I understand. What will you say publicly?"

"One of the Healers suggested a finding a medical condition that would require this transformation as a cure. We will say that it was discovered while you were undergoing the werewolf cure, and this was performed on you in addition." Dumbledore smiled. "You won't have to make a public appearance, or speak to the Press. Arthur and I will handle that.

Lupin tried to smile. "That's one relief, I suppose."

Dumbledore squeezed Lupin's arm. "I'll go and speak with Arthur now." Dumbledore looked at Snape.

"I will stay here," Snape said.

"Good. Keep me informed, Severus." Dumbledore turned back at Lupin. "I'll let everyone know, what you've decided to do."

"Albus," Lupin said. His voice sounded far more anguished than he'd intended.

Dumbledore looked at Lupin, and his face warmed. "Your friends love you, Remus. I won't lie to you, this will take some adjusting on everyone's part. But this transformation isn't unknown, after all, in our world. You will always be our Remus, no matter what shape you wear. And I think you'll find, in time, that this will come to feel normal to you." And with that, he turned and walked off.

And that's it, I have chosen, no turning back now. I'm a woman, she thought. Dear Merlin, what have I done?

She heard a rustling sound beside her. Snape, sitting down in the chair vacated by Dumbledore.

"How do you feel?" Snape asked. Lupin turned to look at him, but he wore his unreadable expression.

"Like a freak," Lupin said. "Not that I haven't felt that way before."

"You still look a great deal like yourself," Snape said. "The same expressions cross your face. You even sound like yourself, in a way."

Lupin leaned back into the pillows. "I still feel like myself, except when I hear my voice." She took a deep breath. "I suppose, it's not exactly me I have to be concerned with. But the world is a different place for women. The rules aren't the same. The anatomy I think I can deal with. The conventions women are held to, I'm not so sure."

"You need to eat something," Snape said, reaching over, presumably to something on the bedside table. "You're tired, and you've had a shock."

"And you're being patient," Lupin said. "Things are indeed bad."

"I'm tired as well," Snape said, "Now behave, and drink this." He gestured at the bed, and the head began to rise. Lupin felt her shoulders being lifted until she sat almost upright. Snape held a mug to her lips. She took it from him, her hands a little shaky, and she sipped at the warm liquid.

"I have a sleeping potion for you after you finish this," he said. "You should sleep all night."

She looked at him. His hair was greasy and stringy, and the lines in his face seemed deeper, his nose and cheeks more gaunt. "You've had a hard day, yourself, haven't you? What exactly did happen?"

"In the morning," he said.

She finished the broth, and he passed over a second mug, filled with the sleeping potion. She drank it slowly. It was warm and pleasant tasting, and she could feel it working before she'd finished it.

Severus took the mug from her fingers, and she felt the bed lower until she lay flat. She felt Snape fuss with the pillows, then pull the covers up to her chin. I have to stay covered now, she thought. All these proprieties.

"Thank you, Severus," she said.

"I'll stay, until you're asleep," he said.

And she felt him there, a stir in the air beside her, felt his eyes on her face, until she drifted off into sleep.

TBC