Title: Home's the Farthest Way

Chapter: 5

Author: ReeraTheRed

Date: January 18, 2005

Rating: PG13

Summary: When Lupin is offered a werewolf cure, he dreams of no longer living in dread of hurting or killing an innocent person. But will things go smoothly? RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta-readers Patti, Michelle, Liz and Linda

Author's Note: Wow, such interesting and intelligent reviews - I find the different reactions to this completely fascinating. I'm not at all offended if anyone doesn't like this, so don't be afraid of telling me. I know that not everything is going to be everyone's cup of tea. There are some really excellent stories out there that I simply cannot read because they hit my own buttons - I can't do cross-generational romances, for example (so no SSHG for me, or any Snarry's).

I'm a Ranma 1/2 fan, and I guess once you've read that, switching gender just isn't unusual anymore.

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Chapter 5

Lupin awakened to the strange sounds of people in the room. Not my room. Not my bed. And then remembered.

Panic hit. No! I've changed my mind, I didn't mean it, yesterday! I can't do this!

She felt her face crumple up, and she turned on her side, curling up, trying not to sob, trying to keep her shoulders from shaking. There would be time for that, later, when she was alone. Merlin knew there had been many nights in the past, at home, alone, that had been spent sobbing quietly in misery and despair. But not here, there are people here, and they can't see me this way.

So she took deep, slow breaths, and managed to relax, straightening out her legs in the bed.

She opened her eyes, hesitantly. It was morning - bright light streamed through the windows. It's late May, she thought, the weather outside must be beautiful.

"Ah, you're awake," a cheerful, unfamiliar voice said, and a young woman's face appeared next to Lupin's bed. "How are you feeling?"

Lupin managed a half-hearted smile. "Weak as a kitten."

"That's to be expected," the young woman said. "I expect you'd also like a trip to the loo." She gestured with her head toward to bathroom at the end of the ward. "The Healer said you should be able to walk over, with some help. And we can get you washed up."

"Uh, yes," Lupin said. Am I ready to face this? But her bladder wasn't going to be able to wait.

The young woman helped Lupin sit up, and swing her legs over the side. Lupin was shocked to see how thin her legs were; wasted, bony things, gnarled toes at the end. She reached down and touched the floor with her feet, and tried putting her weight on her legs, only for them to give way under her. If the staff woman hadn't grabbed one arm, she'd have fallen to the floor.

Another woman who'd been tidying at the other end of the room came over and took Lupin's other arm, and Lupin let herself be half-carried as she stumbled to the bathroom.

"I expect you'll want to look in the mirror," the staff woman said. "I know this has come on you suddenly, and you haven't had a chance to take it all in."

"I'll draw you a bath," the other woman said, "and you can have a little time in here, to, er, look things over."

I'll have to sit down to pee, Lupin thought, as they shut the door. Merlin, what's that going to be like?

First, there was the mirror. Severus was right, she did look like herself. The face looking back at her was almost that of the boy she'd been, many years ago, particularly with the man's haircut that surrounded it, if it weren't for the deep lines and sunken cheeks, and the silver hair mixed in with the tawny. My own face, but softer. And looking like hell, worse than after a full moon before I was on the Wolfsbane potion.

"At least I won't have to worry about shaving," she said, trying to smile.

The two women looked at each other, and clearly surpressed a laugh. "Not on your face, at least," one of them said. "But don't worry about that today."

The two women helped her sit on the toilet, and, after a lot of helpful instructions, that was got out of the way. Lupin carefully did not look, it was enough to master unfamiliar muscles. I suppose I should be glad everything's working, and I don't have wear a diaper, she thought.

By the time that business was finished with, the bath was full, and the two women helped her slide into it. Seeing the look on Lupin's face, one of them said, "Tell you what, we'll leave you in here for a little while, give you some time to yourself, and then we'll come back and help you with anything. If there's any trouble, the room's spelled to give us an alarm, so you'll be all right."

And they left her.

This is it, Lupin thought, I've got to look sometime. She started with something safe. Her hand. She held it in front of her face. Not my hand, she thought, not anything like the man's hand I had only yesterday. Even taking into account the wasting from the spell, it was so much smaller, the fingers more slender, more delicate. When she reached for the bar of soap, she had to stretch further than before. Of course, she thought, my arms won't be as long. I'll be shorter, everything will be smaller.

She held a foot out of the water. It was like her hand, smaller, smoother, more slender. The same with her knee, it was less knobby. Women don't have the larger joints that men have.

Her hairy leg looked terrible. It's not fair, she thought, remembering the staff woman's words. No one thinks a man's hairy legs look bad. She sighed, don't worry about that today. There's enough to deal with today without that.

All right, there was no help for it. And she looked down at her chest. I have breasts. She closed her eyes and let that thought sink in. You have some other things, too, and don't have some things, came the thought in her head, but she pushed that aside. All in good time. Let's just think about the breasts.

Middle-aged breasts. Not to mention wasted, thin, and flabby, but that could be part of her current bad condition. She couldn't help smiling wryly to herself, I used to think breasts were some of the most beautiful things on this earth, she thought. Now, they're just bags of fat on my chest. And another thought, I'm going to have to wear a bra. Won't that be fun. The whole terrible thought of women's undergarments began to nudge her brain, and again, she pushed that thought aside.

It took a long time before she could bring herself to do the next bit. She skirted around it, investigating hips that seemed far too wide compared with what she'd had before, and a soft, curving belly, before she could bear to look there. And when she finally did look THERE, she was surprised at how little she felt. If you'd told me, only a day or two ago, that IT would be gone, I'd have felt horrified. Like a living death. But now, I don't miss it at all. What was the fuss about?

I suppose I'll be more interested in one on another man, she thought. And another set of thoughts had to be shut away - no sexuality today, please, I'm too tired. I'm sure that will rear its ugly head soon enough. But it already has, hasn't it? I was just helped into a bath by two young, attractive women, and didn't even notice. And it wasn't just because I'm tired.

I suppose, she thought, looking THERE again, it's not exactly gone, is it? A woman isn't a eunuch, she just carries everything inside. It's just changed shape, and pulled up inside me.

Along with a lot of other things she'd never had before, inside her - dear Merlin, please let me be too old to go through menses!

She sank down into the water. Everything is wrong, everything is strange. I want to go home, I want to be back home, in my own house, in my own rooms, in my own body.

And she quietly began to sob.

-
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They left her in the bathroom for a long time. When they did come, carrying towels and a fresh hospital robe, she felt completely drained and exhausted, eyes swollen, and throat a little sore, but the tears had stopped. She let herself be helped out of the tub, and dried, and wrapped in the new robes, and half carried back to the bed. Another aide, a young man this time, came over with an enormous tray covered with food, and set it up before her.

"You'll need to eat all of this," the aide said, "Especially this--" he pointed to a large mug "-it's your first potion of the day. You'll be getting different drafts throughout the day, to build up your strength."

He left, and Lupin looked down at the overwhelming number of things on the tray. She managed to eat everything, slowly forcing herself to take one bite after another. Everything tasted like cardboard, dry and uncomfortable in her mouth, but then, even the finest cuisine wouldn't tempt her palate at this moment.

She slept most of the day. Every so often, someone would come and lift her up, and pour a potion down her throat, or make her eat something. Cards began to appear on the bedside table and on the tray-table at the foot of the bed, and she sometimes had the sense that people were there, by the bed, while she was asleep, but they were always gone when she woke.

There were also various trips to the bathroom during the day. She managed better and better each time, and was able to walk unaided by the afternoon. I just have to remember to sit, she thought. Her face in the mirror also looked better each time, more full. Her body seemed to be filling out, too, and she had to admit she felt better. The healing potions were working.

By late afternoon, she was awake enough to read the copy of the Daily Prophet someone had left for her. She had to hunt for the article, it wasn't on the front page, but it was on the third. Just a small paragraph, with the headline "First Werewolf Cured at St. Mungo's." There was a line mentioning "Professor Lupin's condition" that required an additional procedure. The article said it was a sudden appearance of testicular cancer that wouldn't respond to conventional treatment and required a "gender adjustment." So that's what I'm supposed to have had, she thought. The entire proceeding was proclaimed a blazing success by all, though the final proof would be when the full moon appeared at the end of the week. She glanced down to the door at the end of the ward leading to the observation room. There would be a lot of people there, in a very few days, all watching, and her stomach lurched at the thought.

She heard Arthur Weasley and Dumbledore's voices in the hallway, and she put the paper down, the thought of a visit doubly welcome for the distraction from her own thoughts, though the sight of their grave faces as they came through the doorway caused her stomach to lurch yet again. But she smiled, genuinely happy to see them.

Dumbledore sat down in the chair by the bed, and Arthur sat on the next bed over.

"I've been dealing with people at the Ministry all day," Arthur said. His face was drawn and tired. "I can at least assure you that everyone is extremely upset about what happened. It's just a question of what to do about it."

"What did happen?" Lupin asked.

Arthur glanced at Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked sorrowfully at Lupin.

And then he told her.

Lupin blinked, stunned. Her mouth opened and closed several times, before she managed to stammer, "I never planned to have children." And that caused another ache, how could I have a child, when I can't even provide for myself?

"I think someone feared that others might do so, once they'd been cured," Dumbledore said. "You were clearly the test case."

"Oh," Lupin said. "Did it work? Am I sterile?"

Arthur grimaced. "No, I'm told that you are, um, not."

Lupin nodded, eyes still wide and dazed. ""Who did this?" she managed to say.

"Healer Delworth doctored the potion," Dumbledore said. "He has fled, but the Ministry has an arrest warrant issued for him."

"What about Umbridge?" Lupin asked, voice getting a little stronger.

"She denies any involvement," Arthur said, swallowing. "There's no proof that she had anything to do with it." He looked almost desperately into Lupin's eyes. "No one believes her. It's just that no formal action can be taken against her. Her career will suffer, there's already talk of kicking her even further down in the hierarchy, and maybe even eventually firing her altogether, but that will take time. For the moment, she still holds her position."

Arthur looked at Dumbledore again, and Dumbledore said, "This means that she will be present, during the observation at the full moon, when the press is there."

Lupin clutched at the bedsheets, knuckles turning white, and said, very quietly, "I don't want that woman near me."

"She will be kept away from you, I promise," Arthur said.

Lupin forced herself to relax, and nodded. "I'll have to live with it. For the sake of the program."

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. "For what it's worth, the Ministry people and the staff at St. Mungo's are very grateful that you've agreed to keep everything quiet, that you're going along with the public story that's been created. The Ministry has already agreed to some kind of reparation for you. Your costs here at St. Mungo's will be taken care of, of course. Plus the Ministry has already authorized some additional funds right away. For clothing and such - Molly will stop by tomorrow and get your measurements, and do some shopping for you."

Clothes, thought Lupin, in horror. Tomorrow, worry about that tomorrow.

"There's talk of more than that," Arthur said, "I don't want to get your hopes up too much, but I'm working on a bit more for you. You have a strong malpractice grievance against the Ministry and St. Mungo's, and both places are aware of it. And they're aware of what you have sacrificed for the program."

"Thank you, Arthur," Lupin said, "I do appreciate everything you're doing."

"It's a lot to take in, I know," Arthur said.

"Oh, yes," Lupin said. She leaned back in the pillows and closed her eyes.

"We'll leave you now, Remus," Dumbledore said, standing up. "Rest, and get well."

And they left her.

Too much to think about, Lupin thought. And she slept for the rest of the afternoon.

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Much later, when the light in the windows had the reddish cast of sunset, she heard a familiar shushing of robes, and looked up to see the long black form of Snape in the doorway. She gave a genuine smile.

He sat down in the chair, and held up a paper bag that gave off a very enticing aroma. Lupin found herself drawing up, nose twitching, for the first time all day. I must be feeling better, she thought.

"The St. Mungo's people told me you could eat real food now," Snape said, "And that the more you ate, the better." He opened the bag, fished around for a moment, and pulled something out.

"Eggrolls!" Lupin said, surprised at the eagerness in her voice. And her stomach began to rumble. "I didn't realize until just this moment that I was sick of potions and hospital food."

He put an eggroll on a napkin, and held it out to her. She took it from his hand, and forced herself to eat it slowly. He took one out for himself, and began to eat as well. She finished hers long before he did, but he handed her another.

"It's the first time I've been hungry all day," she said.

"You look much better than yesterday," he said, handing her yet another eggroll from the bag.

She could feel his eyes studying her face. "I'm starting to get used to things," she said. "I think. I had a bit of a crisis this morning." Snape raised an eyebrow. "In the bathroom," Lupin went on.

"Ah," Snape said. "Quite."

"Yes," Lupin said. "I'm assured that everything is healthy and working as it should be. All the correct parts are there."

Snape froze, for a moment, and then he carefully began to study the bag he held.

"And then Albus and Arthur came by a little while ago, and told me what happened," Lupin said. "I still haven't quite managed to wrap my mind around that. I'm not sure I ever will." She told him what Arthur had said about Umbridge, that no immediate action could be taken against her, and a scowl crossed Snape's face.

"So that's been today," Lupin said. "Right now, I'm concentrating on getting better, and getting used to the body. Tomorrow, I'll have to start dealing with other things, like clothes, but I'm trying not to think about that." She finished her eggroll, and Snape immediately passed her another one.

"Is this body so different?" Snape asked, very carefully.

She thought for a moment. "Yes, and no," she said. "It's funny, you'd think I would hardly notice it, when I turn into something that has four legs and a tail every month. But I expect four legs and a tail to be different. This new form," she held up her hand, "it's so close to what I had before, I keep expecting it to be exactly the same, and it isn't. It's almost the same, and I forget, and then I'll reach out for something, and I have to reach a little further. Or I look at myself, and it's just enough off to throw me."

Snape sat absolutely still, and wore his inscrutable expression. She wondered what he was thinking.

"But I know I'll get used to it," she went on. "Frankly, it's not all that different from every other time I've been in hospital, I always feel as if I'm rediscovering my body."

Snape nodded.

She thought for a moment. "I meant what I said, yesterday. I'm still better off, even with this." She turned on her side, head against the pillows, to face Snape. "To know that I am truly cured, and everything that means for me, I cannot tell you what joy that gives me." She smiled at him, and felt a warmth rising inside her, and knew that she really meant it. "I'll learn whatever I have to learn, and it's not really that much. A year from now, this will all be normal, I know that. Compared to my life, before this, these adjustments are nothing."

Snape's black eyes met hers, but she still could not read anything in them.

"I am still myself," she went on, "That will not change. I am still Remus Lupin, no matter what shape my body takes."

Snape nodded, black eyes still meeting hers. "You are."

She closed her eyes. "I do confess, there is one thing that frightens me more than anything. And that is, how everyone I know is going to feel about this. I can actually forget about how different I look now, I don't see myself every moment, but everyone who has to look at me, hear my voice. . ."

Snape's face softened a little. "At first. But, as you say, soon, this will be normal." And he held out yet another eggroll.

She was caught by his eyes. There was something there, but she couldn't decipher it. She took the eggroll from his outstretched hand, and felt her fingertips touch his, lightly, as she pulled it from him. Snape didn't jerk away, the way he usually did when touched by anyone. He probably understands how freakish I feel, she thought, how untouchable, and is making an effort for my sake.

She munched on the eggroll, and he continued to watch her closely. I have to get used to my friends staring at me, she thought, they'll all have to, until they're comfortable with the way I look. She found herself studying him, his long, pale face, his hard, black eyes, and that ridiculously huge, hooked nose of his. Not so ridiculous as it was when he was a boy, he'd grown into it, and the craggy lines of age suited it better than the softness of boyhood. She gave him a smile, and he did not smile back, but he never did. Poor Severus. Be glad this didn't happen to you, she thought, and had to stifle a grin at the thought of how he'd look if it had. And how he'd react.

Eventually, the seemingly bottomless bag of eggrolls was empty. Lupin felt no more than moderately full, though she had eaten by far the bulk of them. Another potion was brought over for her, the last one of the day, and the bed was laid down flat so she could sleep. Her last sight was Snape leaning back in the chair beside her, and even after she closed her eyes, she was comfortably aware of his presence there, watching over her, until she fell asleep.

TBC