Title: Home's the Farthest Way
Chapter: 8
Author: ReeraTheRed
Date: April 2, 2005
Rating: PG13
Our Story So Far: Post-Voldemort, sequel to my previous fic, The Wounded. RLSS, romance but NOT SLASH.
The Ministry has come up with a werewolf cure (of sorts) and Lupin agrees to be the first public test case, despite the fact that Delores Umbridge is in charge. But the cure potions are tampered with, and it goes wrong – Lupin is cured, but has been transformed into a woman. Given the choice between transforming back into a man but losing the cure, or remaining cured but also remaining a woman, Lupin chooses to stay female.
Lupin is recovering at St. Mungo's in the werewolf ward, learning about the way her life will change, and the ways that it won't. She has seen various counselors, and most of her friends have seen her, and accept her in her new form. Today, she faces the first night of full moon since she's had the cure.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to beta readers Patti, Michelle and Liz. And thanks, as always, for the reviews, they keep me going.
Author's Note: I do three nights of the full moon, not just one. I'm not sure why – I think I got that feeling from the books, plus all those old werewolf movies, where poor Lon Chaney never has just one night to go through.
On another note, I hope people understand that, in the previous chapters, I'm not making fun of New Age things or feminism, or supporting good causes, just the abuse of these things. Nobody's complained, but I just wanted to be sure.
My apologies for being so late with this update. School, as always, is very time-consuming. Plus, this was a troublesome chapter.
x-x-x
Chapter 8
Lupin sighed happily. The young woman who was currently massaging her feet grinned and said, "Feels good, doesn't it?"
Lupin gave another blissful sigh. She turned and looked at Molly, who was sitting in the chair next to hers, where another young woman was rubbing various lotions into her fingers. "You've all been keeping this to yourselves."
Molly smiled. "No, men just don't allow themselves to come to places like this."
Lupin leaned back in the chair and sighed again. "I suppose so. How very silly of us."
"Now you're sure you won't try any nail polish?" said Ginny, who sat in the chair beyond Molly's.
Lupin shook her head. "Not if I'm going to change tonight, in public. Anything like nail polish or make-up will stay on me, even after the change. Trust me, lipstick on a werewolf is not a pretty sight." She stifled a shudder at the thought of wearing make-up. Not yet.
"I guess that's why you wouldn't let them color your hair, then," said Hermione, on Lupin's other side.
"Yes," said Lupin. "I'm a grey wolf, and the brown around my head would look silly. Not to mention what it would like if it were styled."
"It looks fine, though," Molly said, "just with being longer, and with a nice cut."
Lupin ran a hand through her now much longer hair. That felt strange, she'd never had hair longer than a few inches in her life before, and here it was, hanging below her shoulders. It felt pleasant, slipping through her fingers, softer than her hair had ever been as a man, but it was still strange.
The hair person had talked on about various products; apparently, washing one's hair with a bar of soap wasn't allowed. She looked ruefully at a bag near her feet, which was steadily filling with bottles and potions. And that didn't even count the sack of supplies that Molly and Hermione had discretely handed her from the Apothecary's earlier that day, full of things Lupin had never even known the existence of before that were now apparently going to be necessary. Granted, there was a corresponding (though much smaller) set of things back at home that would have to be discarded because they were no longer appropriate.
And then there had been the gynecological exam that morning. That had been quite an experience. And there was another set of pamphlets to read, of course. And a packet of pills handed to her at the end, with the instructions to take one a day, except during THAT time. As if birth control were going to be necessary, Lupin thought, a little wistfully.
So much care and maintenance. And it wasn't all vanity, either. Just the basic health worries were so involved. Are women that much more complicated than men? Or do men just ignore their own health?
But this, now, the massage, this was wonderful. The manicurist was now working her way up Lupin's foot to her ankle, and then to her calf. Lupin lay back, closing her eyes in sheer bliss.
"Be glad you're in a witch's spa," Hermione said. "They have a lot of magical ways of dealing with problems that are a lot nicer than the Muggle alternative."
"Surely Muggles can give massages just as well," Lupin said.
"Well, yes," Hermione said, "But other things. A Muggle spa would have given you a wax, for instance. Here's it's just a wave of a wand."
Lupin decided not to ask what a wax was. It joined a number of things on her mental slate reading "I don't understand, and don't want to understand just now." There was so much that was strange.
The décor around her, for example, it was strange. It wasn't unattractive, quite the contrary, but it said, in no uncertain terms, that this was a female place. No men here, other than those employed here. There were brighter colors, the textures were soft, everything was graceful and light and beautiful. Not wrong. Just different.
And then there was the conversation. A lot of it was the same as it would have been when she was still a man. But some of it wasn't, and it wasn't all just because everything had to be explained to Lupin. These things I am going through now, these are part of their everyday existence, the things they have to understand, even if they choose to forgo them. And they would not have brought the subjects up with men around. I'm in the club, now, Lupin thought. I'd have left the room, before. Or they'd have not talked the same way with me. The counselor was right, barriers were down with her female friends. Just as barriers were going up with her male friends, too, she thought, remembering Harry and Ron, trying not to look at her chest. Sexuality brought tension, and restrictions.
Were barriers going up with Severus, too? The thought made her feel suddenly sad. But she could not bring a lot of this up with him, not with his absolutely Victorian sense of propriety. But, then, there were things she couldn't bring up with him, before. A whole lot of things, for that matter, and they hadn't changed.
The manicurist was working on her hands and arms now. Lupin sighed happily again. She closed her eyes, and listened as Hermione and Ginny chattered and laughed. I can have this now, with them, because I am safe. I never could have, before.
I think I like being in the club.
It was nearly evening when they all returned Lupin to the hospital. The other three, Molly, Hermione and Ginny, left her at the door, assuring her they'd be back that evening to watch her as she changed at the full moon. But that wouldn't be until much later; it was summer now, and sunset wouldn't be for quite a while.
Lupin entered the St. Mungo's lobby, and turned toward the elevators. Her eye was instantly drawn to a tall, black figure ahead of her.
"Severus," she called, moving to catch up with him.
Snape turned, and waited until she was beside him. She glanced down at the bag he held, and looked up at him hopefully.
"From the Leaky Cauldron again," he said.
"Thanks," Lupin said.
Snape said nothing as they crossed the lobby and entered one of the elevators. As the doors closed, he turned. "You look very nice," he said, stiffly.
Lupin smiled. "I think just about every square inch of me has been polished. It felt very nice, I have to confess."
The elevator doors opened, and they walked together to the werewolf ward. Lupin stretched out onto the bed and took the paper cup of stew Snape handed to her.
"So what happened, today?" Snape asked.
Lupin chuckled. "Beyond being massaged, I suspect you don't really want to know. The hair is obvious, they had some trick to make it grow out – a lot of wand waving, and some potions were involved in that. And they have a menu of things I've never heard of. I drew the line at a lot of things." She settled back into the pillows of the bed. "But I recommend a manicure and a pedicure. You get massaged with that."
Snape grew stiff and gave her a stern look. She smiled impishly at him before turning back to her stew.
They ate, and talked, until it was nearly time for the gathering, and Lupin had to change clothes. One of those barriers again, she thought. If I were still a man, he could stay with me.
"I'll see you, in a little while," she said, "when I'm in there." She nodded at the safe room door.
"Yes," he said, as he left the ward. He closed the door quietly behind him.
Lupin sat on the bed. The room suddenly felt cold and empty, and she was very aware of the safe room door at the other end of the room. There would be a crowd of people – they'd showed her, that morning, the ceiling had been opened to form an observation deck, with a magic barrier to protect the on-lookers. I don't want to do this, she thought, I want to go home. She took a deep breath, and repeated to herself, just get through these three nights, and I'm free. Just these next three nights.
She made herself get up. Even though the room was empty, she still went into the bathroom, where she carefully took off the clothes she was wearing, folding them neatly. She still struggled with the bra fastenings, though it was easier to unfasten than fasten – she'd had a tussle with it that morning.
She brushed her new, strange, long hair, looking at her reflection in the mirror – the grey that had made patches in her short, man's hair now ran in long streaks throughout the brown.
Then she wrapped herself carefully in a cloak that covered her from head to toe – one of her new things, in a soft blue that Molly insisted on, saying it went well with her complexion, though Lupin couldn't tell one way or another.
Then, when everything she could think of had been taken care of, and she realized she couldn't put it off any longer, she took a deep breath, and left the safety of the bathroom. Holding her cloak tightly around her, she walked on bare feet, first to the ward door, to open it, then back to her bed, where she sat down and waited for the time she would be called to walk through the safe room door.
x-x-x
Snape closed the ward room door softly behind him. He stood very still for a long moment, staring at the floor. Then he looked down the corridor, in the direction he would need to go to reach the public observation deck. There would be a crowd there already, all Lupin's friends, the St. Mungo's people, the Press, and anyone else who had been invited.
He took a deep breath, and let it out, slowly. And then turned in the opposite direction, and began to walk, down the corridor, toward the elevators that led to the St. Mungo's lobby. He moved quickly, with his usual fierce, stalking gait, robes billowing behind him, and his eyes turned down, to avoid meeting the eyes of anyone who might be in the hall.
Which is why he nearly bumped into Harry as he rounded a corner.
They each stepped back before they actually collided. Snape drew himself up, face tight and eyes fierce, but he said nothing.
Harry stood quietly, looking back into Snape's eyes. Snape couldn't tower over him anymore, Harry was nearly as tall now, and their eyes were close to the same level.
Then Harry smiled. He couldn't help thinking of the way Shadow, the dog, would stand warily, as if expecting to be kicked. I've got you figured out now, Harry thought, all those years, you were sure I'd attack you. As if we were both just children, as if it were you, and my father, again.
"Shouldn't you be going this way, Professor?" Harry said, nodding in the opposite direction of the way Snape had been walking. "Isn't the way to the observation deck down there?"
Snape did not move. He stood, stiff and wary, eyes fixed on Harry. Instinctively defiant. Then it was as if something went out of him, and he looked away. "I will not be attending, Mr. Potter."
"What? But you've got to," Harry said. "Professor Lupin will be very disappointed if you're not there."
"Professor Lupin," Snape said, still looking away, "has to prove that werewolves who have been cured are not a danger to society. She must look as respectable as possible. Having an ex-Death Eater among her entourage will hardly project that image, don't you think?" He turned and stared coldly at Harry.
"You are a member of the Order of the Phoenix, sir. That's an honor for her."
"There are plenty of other members who will be there," Snape said. His lip curled. "The great Harry Potter will be attending, after all."
Harry's face hardened for a moment, but only for a moment. "She'd still rather have you there, sir," he said.
Snape stared back at Harry. Then he looked away again, and shook his head. "No, Mr. Potter."
Harry looked back at him.
"If you will excuse me, Mr. Potter," Snape said, and he began to walk away, down the corridor.
Harry stood still, watching Snape walk away, a tall, thin, black shape, though his usual fierce pride seemed a little diminished now. He's right, Harry thought, he's a pariah, no matter what he's done to make up for it. And he felt a wave of pity wash over him.
And then he smiled.
"Professor Snape," Harry called.
Snape stopped, and turned back, staring at Harry.
"What if Shadow attended?" Harry said.
Snape started. He stared even more deeply into Harry's face.
"Shadow could go in with her, be down there with her," Harry said. "Otherwise, she'll be going into that room all alone, in front of all those people."
Snape stood very still. His eyes stared deeply into Harry's, as if looking for something. Harry looked back, still smiling gently. He tried to read Snape's face, but it was impossible to make out anything there.
After a long moment, Harry shrugged and said, "Well, I'll just head on down the hall, then."
Snape stared a moment longer, then nodded. He did not move.
Harry turned, and began to walk. Snape stood, and watched him; Harry could feel Snape's eyes on his back, as he took each step, until he turned round the corner.
Harry slowed down, listening. And smiled as he heard the sound of toenails clicking on a hard floor.
x-x-x
Lupin heard the familiar noise and turned. Her face lit up, and her heart lifted as she saw Sev-the-Dog come through the wardroom door and jump up onto the bed beside her.
"I'm so glad you're here," she said. "Thank you."
Sev-the-Dog nodded his head once, then stretched out, front paws hanging over the side of the bed.
A St. Mungo's orderly came through the hall door. "It's time, Professor," he said. He went to the safe room door and waved his wand at it. There was a series of whirs and clicks, and the door swung open.
Lupin was still for a moment, then, holding her cloak tightly around her, she dropped to the floor, and walked across the ward. Sev-the-Dog jumped down from the bed and walked beside her, and she placed her hand on the top of his bony head.
The orderly looked at the dog, and opened his mouth to say something. Sev-the-Dog gave him a fierce look, and the orderly closed his mouth, and shrugged.
Lupin hesitated at the threshold. She looked down at Sev-the-Dog, and made an exaggerated gulping motion, then gave him a twisted smile. Then she took a deep breath, and walked into the safe room, Sev-the-Dog keeping close beside her.
Lupin heard a low thunder of voices, but they stopped as she and the dog entered the safe room. Now, there was absolute quiet. Just the door being shut behind them, and then the clicking of the many fastenings. We're locked in, she thought. No getting out before morning.
The safe room itself was blank – white walls, white floor, everything covered with removable padding. They'd only have padding with a safe werewolf, like I'm supposed to be, thought Lupin, an uncured werewolf would rip anything to shreds.
The voices began again, but softly now, a low buzz. She looked up. When she'd first seen it, there was only a blank ceiling, she was sure there were one-way viewing panels in the walls, but they were, of course, invisible. Now, someone had enchanted the ceiling, so that it showed the sky above, which was streaked with red and orange. Also new, a viewing balcony circled the room just beneath the open ceiling; it was crowded with faces that leaned over the top, all looking down at her.
She pulled her cloak even more tightly around her, it felt very insecure, and she wished she'd worn robes, no matter how it would look as she burst out of them. She forced herself to stand straight, and turned her eyes to scan the crowd above her.
A frantic waving of hands caught her eyes, and she made out Harry, Ron and Hermione, the three of them almost hanging over the balcony. She smiled back at them, and felt her heart grow easier. My friends are up there, she thought. Beside the trio, she saw Arthur and Molly, and Ginny on one side. And the very welcome face of Dumbledore on the other. He returned her smile, and his eyes twinkled gently.
She was grateful to see other friendly faces in the crowd – Minerva was there, and Moody, and other members of the Order of the Phoenix, and the Hogwarts staff. For a moment, she even thought she saw Dobby, but it was just a flash, and when she blinked and looked again, he wasn't there.
Along another part of the balcony were the St. Mungo's staff, including Healer Chandler, the sensible counselor who'd talked to her a few days ago, and who now gave her an approving nod and smile. Professor Begay and his people were next to them, all smiling encouragingly at her, one even giving a thumbs up. Beyond them, she saw a photographer, and a fellow standing with a pad and pen – the Daily Prophet people, most likely. Next, there was Charles Willoughby, from the Ministry, who smiled and waved at her. A few other people were with him who she guessed were also from the Ministry.
And then, she caught her breath involuntarily, there was the flat, flabby face of Delores Umbridge, just showing over the top of the balcony. Umbridge's eyes met Lupin's, and a smile spread across her broad face, though her eyes remained cool. Lupin nodded gravely at her. Just a little while longer and I'm free of her, be polite until then, she thought.
Umbridge continued looking at Lupin, her smile growing even larger. Then she stepped back, and cleared her throat. "Hem, hem." It was soft, but it cut through the buzz of voices as clearly as if she'd shouted.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Witches and Wizards," Umbridge said, quietly, "The sun is setting."
Everyone looked up, and sure enough, the sky overhead was turning deep red. The sun must be almost over the horizon, thought Lupin, though she couldn't see it. But she could feel it, the sun's rays diminishing. The moon would already be out, it was only the sun that was keeping the moon's light from bringing out the wolf inside of her. She stepped away from Sev-the-dog, into the center of the room. The voices that had been talking grew silent again.
Lupin could feel the wolf rising within her – she knew it, she could even call it now, at will, so she recognized it. She felt a stab of fear – please, let this work! What if it fails, what if I go mad? I don't think I could bear it, not in front of all these people.
She crouched down on the floor, letting the folds of the cloak drape around her.
And the wolf came forth. She felt her arms and legs change, her skin rippled, her face thrusting out. But there was no pain, no fighting against it. No anger, no raging. I am still myself, she thought, even as she felt her form grow larger, more massive, as she felt the tickle of hair shooting out of her skin.
I am still myself, she thought, as she breathed in, and smelled everything in the room in the way that only a werewolf nose could, where scent was more important than sight. She breathed in all their smells, Sev-the-Dog beside her, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, each and every one of her friends up in the balcony, even the smell of Delores Umbridge, who she had never smelled before, as a wolf, but would know anywhere.
I am still myself. She could feel the smile spread across her wolf's muzzle. And she opened her eyes, and lifted her head, and stood up, on all four wolf legs. The blue cloak spilled off of her, and fell to the floor. She looked up at the faces that circled the room, and bowed her head, and gave a wave of her wolf's tail.
And everyone began to cheer.
She stood, eyes closed for a moment, basking in the joyous noise. Then she opened her eyes and she saw a rippling flash above her, then she was astonished to see Harry throw his legs over the balcony, and begin to fall softly toward the floor. The barrier, someone must have removed it, she thought, but then had no more time to worry about it as Harry reached the ground and ran over to her, kneeling down beside her, and hugging her great neck. She turned to look into his green eyes, and he grinned, and hugged her closer.
Something dropped onto the ground near them. Lupin looked up to see Ron walking over to them, and Hermione slowing falling from above, to land nearby.
"I'm really happy for you, Professor," Ron said, as he gave Lupin a hug, then he stepped back as Hermione threw her arms around Lupin's neck. "I'm so glad," Hermione whispered in her ear. "I know they said you were cured, but I wasn't going to be sure until I saw it." Lupin delicately licked Hermione's hand as it went by her muzzle.
She looked up, and saw a veritable waterfall of robes, and legs as others in the crowd levitated down into the room, and came over to grin at her, or hug her, or even shake her paw. Arthur and Molly, Ginny, who grinned wickedly and said, "I think nail polish would have looked just fine on your claws." Moody clapped her on the shoulder. Charles Willoughby, from the Ministry, his eyes reverent, "So marvelous, Professor Lupin, this is just wonderful!" A warm smile from Minerva. Hearty congratulations from Professors Sprout and Flitwick.
"Could everyone look up here at me for a moment?" It was the Daily Prophet photographer. They all froze, and then looked up at him, and there was a bright flash as he took a picture. Then they all turned back, and were talking again.
Lupin leaned into Harry and Hermione's arms as they circled her neck. I am quite giddy, she thought, looking into the eyes of all her friends. And then she thought, Severus.
She turned, looking for him, but couldn't find him in the crowd near her. She had to turn behind her, before she saw him, sitting quietly in the corner, watching her. She smiled at him, and thumped her tail. Come over with us, she thought, come over here with me. She tried to say it with her eyes. Sev-the-Dog looked back at her, but did not move, although he nodded his head at her.
Lupin turned back to the crowd. And stood up at attention as she realized the tall figure of Dumbledore was standing before her, smiling, his eyes crinkling behind his half moon glasses. "May you never have cause to fear the full moon again, Remus," he said, softly.
She raised her paw, and he took it in his hand. She saw a flash – the Daily Prophet photographer must have snapped another picture – but she didn't take her eyes off of Dumbledore's face. They looked at each other for a long moment, then she pulled her paw away, and he stepped back, saying something to Minerva that Lupin couldn't hear over the buzz of the crowd.
She half-closed her eyes, listening to the voices of her friends, she almost felt it physically, like a warm wind, or a soft blanket. I am very lucky, she thought.
"Hem, hem."
The hated sound cut through the noise around her like a buzz saw. Lupin opened her eyes, still looking down, to see a pair of patent leather slippers and lace trimmed socks. She took a deep breath, telling herself to be calm, and above all to behave, as she raised her eyes to meet Delores Umbridge's. She was pleased to note that, even sitting down, she was still taller than Umbridge, who had to tilt her face upward to meet Lupin's eyes.
Lupin felt Harry's arm tighten around her neck. Sev-the-Dog stood up quickly from his spot in the corner, and moved to stand beside her, eyes narrowed.
Umbridge smiled. Then she said, "Hem, hem," a little louder, turning around to address the crowd.
The talking died down quickly, and all eyes turned toward her.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Umbridge said, "Witches and Wizards." She turned and looked pointedly at Lupin, gesturing at her with one flabby hand. "The beast is tamed, it is a threat no longer. These monsters can be humbled, and soon there will be no need to fear them, ever again. I declare this program a complete success." She smiled at Lupin again, even more sweetly.
Lupin felt a flash of anger. This woman tried to have me sterilized, she thought, it is her fault that I am no longer a man. And I cannot do anything against her, for the sake of this program. She may never be punished for what she tried to do.
"Don't let her get to you, Professor," Hermione said into her ear. Harry didn't say anything, but Lupin could feel his hand grip her fur more tightly. Sev-the-Dog's eyes narrowed even further, and his lip curled up, showing a flash of white fang.
Lupin immediately forced herself to relax, and leaned against Harry, turning to face him. We must behave, tonight, Harry, no matter what happens to provoke us.
Harry nodded, still looking at Umbridge.
"Could you turn to the camera, Madame Umbridge?" called the photographer.
Umbridge turned in his direction, striking a pose. Lupin couldn't see her, but was certain she had on her most simpering smile. Lupin forced herself to look as docile as possible. Though Merlin only knows how it will look when it's developed, she thought. Between her, Harry, Hermione, and Sev-the-Dog, what would their images do in the picture, since the images would move according to their real feelings? Hopefully, that picture wouldn't make it to the paper.
"Can I get another picture, with Harry and the wolf?" called the photographer.
Bless him, thought Lupin, as Umbridge was forced to move away from them, while Harry drew closer to her, and they both looked at the camera, and smiled.
"Super," said the photographer, "Now, with the other kids."
Hermione, Ron, and Ginny drew around her. They all smiled, and blinked as the camera flashed again. The room was filled with voices again, the uncomfortable silence that had come over the room when Umbridge spoke was gone. I've never had so many people near me as a wolf, thought Lupin. It's wonderful, even if I have to do this in public. Even if I have to have my picture taken with Umbridge.
Like prodding a sore tooth, she found herself looking for Umbridge, and instantly spotted her, standing by the wall not far away, and looking directly at Lupin. There was something hungry in her gaze. I own you, the look said, I have power over you.
A crooked smile spread across Lupin's face, and she shook her head. You pathetic, little bully, she thought, you think you have control over me? You think you are better than me? I would not trade places with you for anything. Look at the people who are here for me. Who do you have?
An image of the picture of Umbridge's dead sister flashed across Lupin's mind, and, for one moment, she felt pity for the woman.
Umbridge's eyes drew close, and she drew back, angrily. She saw the sympathy in my face, thought Lupin, she's offended by it. Not that I care.
Lupin studied the little woman, standing, looking fiercer than even Severus ever had. It's over between us, she thought, you have no power over me, you are nothing to me. I have what I want from this, and so do you. After tonight, you are gone from my life. I don't care what happens to you, whether you are prosecuted for what you have done to me or not. Your life, your very existence, is bad enough. You are your own punishment.
Lupin turned away, and brought herself back to the friends who were around her. She closed her eyes, and let the warm sounds and smells cover her, drank in the press of bodies around her, the colors of their robes, all their wonderful, beloved smells. And was happy.
TBC
